I'm not a kid. In fact I'm a senior citizen and my entire life has been challenging. I had an neglectful, name-calling mother who influenced my entire small family to scapegoat me and, to make things worse, got picked on at school too. So my childhood was a nightmare. My mother freely admitted she did not feel anything at all when she was pregnant or when she held me and s he used to prop my bottle because "you stuffened in my arms." Names from her followed me all my life as did depression, anxiety, panic disorder, derealization/depersonalization (thankfully these two horrible symptoms have been gone since my 20's) and my own anger issues and lack of being able to control myself during triggers, which was almost always with FOO. I am through with t hem and did manage to have a good life with a great husband and kids.
I was so hard on myself that I thought I had borderline personality disorder because, after all, I was "bad." My therapists said I was too k indhearted to have that and my siblings, especially one, continue to all me that, more as a bait then a fact. I don't' talk to her anymore. Never will. My therapists all mentioned trauma, but I was not ready to hear it, I guess. I tended to say, "No, you don't understand. My mother was a good mother. It was ME. I was a terrible kid. It was MY fault." I did not hear "But you were a kid."
Fortunately, I wanted to be better, even though I did not realize the big picture and got help for the symptoms and really did get much better. I had a few setbacks. My mother disinherited me and that hurt, not because of the money (she didn't have much), but because it is such a complete rejection. I had to go through realizing that nobody in my FOO is really well or balanced and that it was probably good, especially for my kids, that they were not in my life. They cut ME off though, not the other way around until just recently.
Sometimes it takes 60 years. Don't let this happen to you.
Since I've been in therapy since age 23, I have many coping skills. One is to write. So here I am. It's another resource to learn (you're never too old to learn from others). I just learned, in fact, what an emotional flashback is and, because of that, I could figure out why I would lash out at my FOO and not others. The sound of t heir voices alone, any of them, are triggers. It seems just hearing them speak makes me feel small and child llike, when they get angry.
I suspect my mother was ubpd and my sister has traits too (as do I). My FOO denies mother was abusive to me. I was the scapegoat., Oh, well. I understand not wanting to think your mother was abusive/neglectful/a namecaller, especially if you were not the target. It is hurtful to think otherwise. I did break the cycle with my own kids.
I am happy I found this site. I just finished Pete Walker's wonderful book. Seemed like every page spoke to me...I guess to all of us.
Have a good day and so happy this forum exists.
I was so hard on myself that I thought I had borderline personality disorder because, after all, I was "bad." My therapists said I was too k indhearted to have that and my siblings, especially one, continue to all me that, more as a bait then a fact. I don't' talk to her anymore. Never will. My therapists all mentioned trauma, but I was not ready to hear it, I guess. I tended to say, "No, you don't understand. My mother was a good mother. It was ME. I was a terrible kid. It was MY fault." I did not hear "But you were a kid."
Fortunately, I wanted to be better, even though I did not realize the big picture and got help for the symptoms and really did get much better. I had a few setbacks. My mother disinherited me and that hurt, not because of the money (she didn't have much), but because it is such a complete rejection. I had to go through realizing that nobody in my FOO is really well or balanced and that it was probably good, especially for my kids, that they were not in my life. They cut ME off though, not the other way around until just recently.
Sometimes it takes 60 years. Don't let this happen to you.
Since I've been in therapy since age 23, I have many coping skills. One is to write. So here I am. It's another resource to learn (you're never too old to learn from others). I just learned, in fact, what an emotional flashback is and, because of that, I could figure out why I would lash out at my FOO and not others. The sound of t heir voices alone, any of them, are triggers. It seems just hearing them speak makes me feel small and child llike, when they get angry.
I suspect my mother was ubpd and my sister has traits too (as do I). My FOO denies mother was abusive to me. I was the scapegoat., Oh, well. I understand not wanting to think your mother was abusive/neglectful/a namecaller, especially if you were not the target. It is hurtful to think otherwise. I did break the cycle with my own kids.
I am happy I found this site. I just finished Pete Walker's wonderful book. Seemed like every page spoke to me...I guess to all of us.
Have a good day and so happy this forum exists.