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Wetas - an NZ insect. Google them 😜

And Heights

Okay so I have a two other diagnoses besides cPTSD, it is complex chronic pain syndrome. The meds I am on do a great job on the most part, but if I am exposed to too much sound it becomes pain - somatiform disorder.

And it is now midday and I still haven't left my bedroom yet. Too many contract lawn people in the houses nearby. Just as one finishes another starts!

This is tedious.

As woodsgnome says it is about learning to work on your inner critic. I thought I was doing quite well but at a recent review I was told I am still too harsh on myself.

I liked Pete Walkers "good enough" suggestion in his book, but I struggle to use it with an real meaning.

Welcome sasone. I hope you find your way forward with the help of your fiance and your therapist.

Fear is something we all understand.

Another voice of thanks.

Thanks guys.

I'm learning to balance my energy. To do limited amounts and then retreat into my quiet dark space. To not push myself to the state that I need adrenaline to continue to function because that has a huge cost to me.

Fortunately I can structure my world to make this achievable.

I am pleased. I had a horrible build up to my session today where all the conflicting scripts and needs I had were waging battle inside me.

Incredibly I managed to stay present whilst giving each of them the space to come out and be heard. My therapist and I circled round and back through various themes and despite starting the session in tears we ended in laughter. He heard my needs and acknowledged their validity and agreed to be my advocate with the insurance company (and gave me some sage advice on the best way to deal with them).

Adrenaline.

One state produces excess adrenaline to give you the energy, the other switches off the adrenaline.

One state denies the trauma and healing that is required, the other says "enough, I need to look after me".

Pretty sure it's just hypervigilance,

It is, in part. But it is more than just that.

Not all of us get the same "gifts".

(Ten thousand expletives deleted!)

I am just back from a bike ride. During which I continued to process my reaction to my insurers file on me.

I realised that part of the problem is that I put a large effort into getting ready for each consultation. Grooming, attire, being rested, being pleasant and engaging. This is all a script from my childhood encounters with medical events, and because I continue to follow that script now my therapists don't fully understand where I am at. So they have not given my insurers a full picture of me.

So my insurer has recorded in my file that perhaps I have made a "lifestyle choice" to be claiming insurance. (Expletives in the plural deleted!)

Seriously? Come live my life from embryo to here and tell me how much this is a "lifestyle choice"!

So they (the insurer) are not listening to me, are not believing me, re-traumatising me.

And so my circle of harm is complete.

Welcome and well done on making your first post. The recovery journal is a good place to start.

My psychiatrist opened my eyes when he said where as most people could sense a rainbow of moods - in other words six or seven shades - whereas I can see ten or eleven and that I can even sense a persons mood before they are aware of it.

Since then I have tried it out and he is right. It can be an incredible tool for empathy with others. Pity we wern't shown the same empathy as children.

What about new members being blocked from placing links within their posts until they reach a minimum threshold of posts. I've seen very little outside linking here anyway.

Welcome EZ Linus. I hope you will find this community to be part of your healing journey

Everyone has power, but I think this quote is often misused " they only have the power you permit" or some other bull, but a parent has power over a child this isn't given by the child it just is, I think people use this statement to say everyone is equally to blame for abuse like dv  - crap

some do, and some simply don't understand what an abusive childhood does to the surviving adult. Thank heavens I have an understanding partner who listens when I say "I need to leave this place right now!"