Messages

Adrenalisation is what has been against me for my life. Not having a space to be safe and to be slow.

That is fading. I don't know that it won't come back, but it's getting less. Consequently I am able to better be with bad feelings. Bad feelings + adrenalisation = not good.

Hopeful that this is a healing step. It feels like it, but I'm not taking it for granted.

I wanted to record the image of the dream I had before it fades. I thought about writing it down, but I realise I will never read it again. So I want to post it here, so that I may come back to it at some point.

Trigger Warning -- description of drug use, suicide, neglect

I was visiting my f's house, though in the dream I still lived there, I was also visiting. This is the way of dreams. The house was enormous in some scenes and tiny and cluttered in others, though it was always recognisably his house, the house where I grew up.

In some scenes the house was big and empty, but mostly it was small and cluttered. In the dream, I had previously broken into the house of a drug dealer I used to use and planted a bottle of liquer. I couldn't work out in the dream why I did that, it was on some impulse. It's still not clear to me what that part means. Maybe it just serves as a kind of device for the next part.

The dealer took it upon himself to continue this strange ritual by depositing illegal drugs in my house, in a place where I feared they may be found. The drugs were in a matchbox under a bed and the matchbox had a strange patter on it. For some reason, there was also a 'best wishes' type greeting card on a dresser, that had exactly the same pattern and every time I saw it I was triggered into fear that the drug would be discovered and I would be liable for it. That part of the dream was never really resolved, but the fear of being outed as a drug user to my parents was shameful. The fear of the shame they would put in to me if they found out was and is overwhelming.

The next thing was, there was a cluttered area of the house that I was responsible for cleaning. I think it was my bedroom. But it was full of old clothes (not mine) and stuff I did not want to deal with. I really did not want to deal with.

In the dream I came to realise that I was terrified that I had wrapped up the body of an old woman and kept it underneath all of this stuff. In the dream, I wasn't sure whether I had or not, but I didn't have the confidence to look. So I just wanted to leave the stuff as it was. I knew at some point, even if it was when my f. died, that all the stuff would be cleared out and whatever was there, if anything, would be found, so I knew there was no escape from it but I really didn't want to 'tidy up'.

My f., in the dream, was patient to the point of being infuriating and he expected me to do it. I didn't feel responsible for it because it wasn't my stuff, plus there was the possibility that I had murdered someone and hid the body underneath. This was a strange notion, because I had no memory of doing so, but nonetheless I was convinced.

That part over, time moved to another occasion I was visiting. I think I had left the house by then, by which I mean I wasn't living there. None of the clutter had been dealt with. There was old stuff everywhere. The house had expanded but was very delapitated. The dealer had obviously known I was coming and had left clues out that seemed to suggest he was playing with me and enjoyed knowing I was afraid of being found out.

The house had expanded, much bigger than it was irl, but was open to the elements and had obviously been used as a kind of doss house for various types of people. Doors were hanging off etc, there were holes in the walls and celiing. I walked into the bedroom of my f. and it was filthy, there were cooking utensils everywhere, all used and filthy. My f. was quite a tidy person irl so that was shocking.

I realised he was in this room and he was lying on the ground, but in a kind of fit, and obviously dying. I rushed over and hugged him and said unconciously 'I love you so much' and he held me and said 'Talk to me about father and son stuff'. We never got anything like this close irl. He had openend up and the distance between us had gone. The abandonment we both felt and pushed on each other also had disappeared. The issue about the 'body' didn't seem to be an issue anymore.

I didn't mention some street fighting that I had to go through in between entering and leaving my f's house, from locals where I grew up, some associated with the dealer, some not. Apart from that, the dream ended there. It was sad to see the house in that state. The ongoing thing with the dealer wasn't really resolved or explained to me, neither was the fighting.

The mess seems to suggest emotional messes that were never cleaned up. The body of the old woman I take to mean my m, who after a long illness committed a suicide attempt, when I was looking after her. That part happened irl. It was never discussed and I guess I have felt culpable all this time. She did die a few days later. I was never able to broach the subject of my m with my f, either her last action, or the years of mental instability she exhibited. I tried but I could never be allowed to talk about any of that. I take this making up to be a sign of me coming to terms with that, with healing.

The fighting outdoors may well have been a sign that the parents were trying to protect me (and my siblings) from an outside world they knew to be hard, and that would harm us if we gave it the chance.

This was the most coherent dream I have had in years, both in content and in relateability. I wanted to record it before it goes, because I don't want to lose the meaning I have ascribed to it. I don't believe in ghosts but I do enjoy ghost stories, because they often deal with redemption, and / or forgiveness.

It is almost 4 am and I don't want to distract myself with the news, because there is a certain election on and I don't want to have to think about it. I am condsidering putting a post in the 'Checking out' section, but I won't just yet. I might need some time to process where I am and where cptsd lies on my recovery and if it is now my main focus. I am not ready yet to declare that it is not a problem. I think I have other issues around addiction and avoidance but they might be comorbid. This might not be a step but just a shifting. So I think I will leave that for now but will think about it in the coming days. I also know that if I check out I will miss people here. I don't know if that is a good enough reason to stay. (A healthy enough reason, I mean). I also will think about that.

Thank you sanmagic, I feel very loved and seen reading what you have written here. I'm relieved that you recognise my feeling about parts being hard to let go of, the ones we must, eventually. Pace is very important, to be safe. I do feel less floaty this morning, and ready to face the day 

I just want to share that I feel detached and floaty. My father always had on insult for people, he called them balloons. I feel like a balloon, like my tie to earth is cut.

I was going to post in the having a difficult day section but I know that this will pass.

Sometimes it's easier to hold onto what I know instead of letting go of things that need to be let go. It's scary to think of dealing with life on the terms that seem easy for others. I don't like being constrained like this, but I still can't see a path out.

Hi Kizzie I just wanted to send you my best wishes and to say how strong I think you're being in coping and sharing too.

Hi, a lot of really appreciated insights here, thanks.

Hope, you wrote that "You may believe you have difficulties in your life because there is something wrong with you instead of understanding that your current problems may be a result of your past experiences."

I think this is so valuable. In my family, it was kind of the opposite  So I'm learning to think of it the other way. This is a really powerful quote, thanks for putting that there. And of course a hug is great and I don't think it was too long a reply, thank you.  NSC stands for Negative Self Concept and it's something I really struggle with. When it's not ok to be not ok, it's hard to be authentic, which lead me to these kind of ideas about myself.

woodsgnome, when you wrote "I don't feel a fraud so much as I feel trapped by having to be re-victimized, in a way. Stepping beyond the pain starts as an inner task, but it's awful when by reaching out one only feels the emotions are still trapped within." I understand what you mean and I recognise the feeling of being trapped, of being re-victimised, of reaching out only to be hurt again. It's a setback and it doesn't get any easier.  to you if that is ok.

dreamriver, what you wrote about your family's narrative I really recognised too. I too feel like I've been making up a story, attention seeking and or creating excuses and that there's nothing wrong. I suspect the 'dirty' aspect that I have comes from catholic guilt and there being a large measure of sexual shaming and abuse going on in my upbringing. It sounds strange, but I almost wish I were only wrong, and not dirty. It's an unpleasant sensation to describe and it can affect lots of aspects of life.

I want to put something here that I read today, just by chance, by way of putting something on a tender note. I was reading an interview with Joni Mitchell and she said something along the lines of pulling the weeds out from your soul has to be done or they will overgrow. I feel like it's a difficult and lonely task, and I dearly wish I had someone by my side to help me. I know I have everyone here and I am thankful for that.

Hi dontaskme,

You said that you are beside yourself. At the same time you indicate you are ready to start forgiveness. I agree with notalone that it may be helpful to see this, your act of looking and forgiving, as an act of love. The feelings that might arise might feel overwhelming, and even one bit of kindness to yourself could be looked upon as the beginning of healing, of learning to love those parts of yourself. Unconditional love seems a high bar to set initially. Maybe a little at a time is good enough, at least to start with.

Hello Violet, thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and for sharing your feelings and experience.

You said,

... I now understand that emotional abandonment is very real.

I want to laugh and shout with you 'Of course it is!'. I have been minimising and denying this for so long, and indeed I came online to post something almost exactly on that. I had so well been taught that what I experienced wasn't an issue that I came to (almost) believe it myself. So,  to us for that.

A  from me to you, too. It's great to feel welcome here. It is always and always has been a valued safe space for me.

Trigger warning: TW: I am asking for opinions about feelings I have from being abused that may cause others to feel same

--------------------------

Hi, as is usual I am not really sure of what I want, but maybe by asking the question I will get some affirmation, understanding or clarity.

Does anyone else who has suffered abuse feel 'exposed'. I mean, I feel like when I interact with people they instantly and instinctually understand that I am in some way tainted, dirty.

I understand to some extent that this is NSC. But I also feel there is some basis for it, because in order to survive I have had to develop a large measure of denial. When even I don't believe my denial anymore, it leads me to feel like I am fraudulently pretending I am coping. In short, I feel dirty and disgusting.

Not having had a safe place to explore these feelings, my only avenue was to bury them. Now that I am allowing them, I still feel that I can't be authentic, because I feel, probably wrongly, that I am inherently disgusting to other people. I recognise that this is a very negative pattern of feeling. Uncritical optimism is not however the answer. (I have used that to cope).

Hi sanmagic, thank you for your encouragement and hug  They are very appreciated 

Hi notalone,

Thank you. I don't know what else to do for the moment except keep going and trust it will get easier.

SaB

 

Thank you, Hope, I appreciate that 

Hi Hope 

Thank you for your welcoming and supportive message and hug 

I am feeling very abandoned. It's good I think that I can identify that and maybe I can be with it and it will dissolve or fade away.

I know I am feeling abaondoned because my neighbour said he would help me with something he's been working on with me and has forgotten me more than once. I know that he knows I'm here so I'm feeling the feelings that I am being ignored and not being paid attention to, which is very triggering. The most triggering thing is how convinced I was of it being true that I had come to accept it. I now know it's not, but it still gets me. I understand that my breakup and this are plumbing into feelings that are at my core and that they are only triggers, not the cause, but I guess I was hoping not to be with these feelings again quite so strong.

SaB

Hi, Hope, and thanks as always for your comment. I hope that you are well.

Have been away for some time. I notice that four months have passed. I had found what I hoped was going to be a restorative relationship. It ended very abruptly and harshly which has thrown me back into abandonment. Interesting and sad to me, how much things have not changed emotionally. It has taken a full two months of frantically trying to make sense of what happened to get to a point of accepting I will never know and that it was probably not healthy from the start. There were signs and, I guess I am not the first and won't be the last, I chose to ignore them over the hope that something good would come from it.

I guess that it is not unusual for these things to happen. I just didn't feel really that a) I wanted it to happend and b) I tried to take measures to avoid it, including explaining about my difficulties from the outset. I just feel I have had a door slammed shut in my face and it's very sad. 

But, I'm going to keep going and try to learn what I really need in life. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes,over a nd over.

I just logged in yesterday after a long absence. I'm relieved to find that I am still able to login and have an active account. 

SaB