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I, too, have bouts of sadness that come over me out of no where. I haven't had a name for this experience but now I do: " sadness flashbacks ". That is a perfect description. I'm having one right now that just started today. I came to the forum looking for what people had to say about EF's. I found this discussion which perfectly describes what I'm going through.

It is a beautiful, sunny, not too hot day where I live. That's when they always seem to happen - on the most gorgeous days of the year. I had lots of bad things done to me no matter what kind of day it was. But, when it happened on a beautiful day the shock and unfairness of it all seemed to make it worse. As a child I felt safest and the most carefree when I could be out in the sun and fresh air, playing by myself in my own little world ( probably completely dissociated ). I can remember being verbally or physically assaulted on days like that for no apparent reason, totally catching me by surprise. Even worse than whatever abuse I had to endure was the sudden shock of being jerked out of my imaginary world back into the "real" world of pain and sadness.


I appreciate the helpful advice of breathing and staying present in my body.  But maybe most of all I just need to grieve and cry over what that little boy lost and went through. He never felt he was allowed to cry. And at 61 years old I still have trouble getting the tears to come. I guess they'll come when they're ready. I'm in a safe place now in my adult body so I'll give it a try. Thank you everyone.


Luke

Hi Hope

Thank you for the empathy and encouragement - that's exactly what I was looking for when I came to this site. There is strength in numbers and common shared experiences. 

Thank you for reminding me how much my inner child needs love and support. He's had to deal with a lot of crazy stuff all alone for a long time. Now, when I'm feeling alone, scared and like I'm unable to deal with life, I try to remember to comfort that small child, tell him, " I'm here and everything will be ok. " But, it certainly takes practice. Sometimes I just roll around in my misery. I also like to congratulate my IC on how much he was able to survive. He's strong, competent and good. And that's true of all the other lost children out there who have survived abuse and neglect.


Best wishes to you, Hope.


Luke

Hi Hope,

Thanks for responding to my post. It was very helpful to write about my experience, to read about your experiences and 1000 X more helpful to receive such a kind, caring, compassionate response.

Actually, I believe you hit the nail right on the head. (I've spent the last hour or so contemplating all of this.) The whole out-of-body experience was like a representation of my entire childhood. The terror was having to be the abandoned little child again, with no one to comfort him. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abused throughout childhood, but the worst part was the abandonment - being left all alone to deal with the overwhelming feelings.


Thank you again, Hope, for your response and your compassion. The words you wanted to say to that scared, little child were heard by him and brought tears of relief to my eyes. I believe sharing and listening is the best help for letting things go.


I appreciate the  and send you the same  right back at you, if that's ok. 

Luke

Hi Hope,

I may be a little late to join the discussion. I'm relatively new to the site and was catching up reading the past discussions. This one really caught my eye because I have been tormented by recurring nightmares all my life, although they've become much more infrequent since I went through some extensive therapy beginning about 15 years ago. My nightmares would consist of a stereo-typical devil chasing me through buildings and houses where I could find no escape. Often the devil would morph into my grandfather at some point in the dream. I would wake up screaming at the top of my lungs. When I was in my teens and twenties it was very embarrassing, to say the least, when it happened while I was staying friends.


One night during the time I was in T, I woke up and could not go back to sleep. Eventually I began to have an out-of-body experience. I began to float above the bed and then down to the floor beside the bed. Everything around me seemed to start getting larger until I realized it was me that was getting smaller. I was soon the size of a small toddler lying between the bed and the wall. At this time a woman, 25 or 30 years old, began walking towards me looking down at me as I lay on the floor. She was wearing a long skirt and her hair was falling down on either side of her face, casting her face in shadows. I could see none of her facial features. She knelt down beside me staring at me. I felt cold, alone and scared. She looked at me impassively for what seemed like several minutes offering me no comfort. At this time I was jolted back into my full-size body on the bed and the woman was no where in sight.


I have been haunted by this incident ever since and thought I would add this to the discussion. It feels good to get it off my chest. I've never discussed this with anyone, besides my therapist at the time. We could come up with no plausible explanation of who the woman was. Hope, if you are anyone else, has any ideas or similar experiences I would love to hear them. I wish you the best in your search for answers.


Luke 

Hi Samantha,

I am a new member and have spent the past several days reading some of the topics and discussions. I totally relate to how you are feeling at this time ( when you made your post ). I have been where you are at many times in my life. It is a very painful place to be and I always feel like there is no way out of my fear. I have great difficulty talking to anyone about my situation because I think no one will understand me and/or will think I'm some kind of weird hermit, who is not fit for society ... which is exactly the way I feel about myself.


I now realize that I feel this way because of what I was taught as a child and because of the abuse and abandonment I was subjected to throughout my childhood. I do my best these days to accept who I am without judgement and without putting pressure on myself
to be like everybody else. We are all, each one of us, unique human beings and our uniqueness is what makes us special. There are some days I do much better with these new ideas than other days. But on days that I am able to embrace myself and these ideas I feel a great freedom and aliveness. On those days I don't care whether I'm the life of the party or sitting on a park bench all by myself.


I still don't have close friends and I often struggle with my low self-esteem. On my good days, I realize its all okay because that's who I am. Samantha, thank you for being the special, unique person that you are. Thank you for having the courage to share your pain on this forum. Your current experience helps me to relate, to not feel so all alone and to realize their are others who experience the same feelings I do. We're all in this together. I have confidence that everything will work out well for you and I hope you will share with us your progress and your struggles.

Hi Sunny. I am brand new to this site also. I'm 61 years old and have struggled all my life with the effects of the abuse and abandonment I was exposed to as a child ( anxiety, low self-esteem, shame, self-hatred, etc. ). I have had difficulty keeping jobs and have gotten myself in a lot of trouble, mainly from abusing alcohol and drugs. Although I have had some counseling, I was generally labelled as having ADHD and being depressed. Most of the mis-diagnosis was due to my denial about my childhood abuse and not wanting to talk about it cause I thought it was all my fault.


Then in the early 2000's I worked with a very competent therapist who was able to help me recognize the truth about my childhood as well as to open up and grieve about the damage done. That started me on a path of recovery that has not been fast or easy, but has been worth it.


I have been prescribed all kinds of medications over the years. Every time I try to stop or change meds I have a mental meltdown and feel unable to cope with life. Now I accept that I'm probably going to need to stay on medication for the rest of my life. I'm thankful to have that help rather than suffer the effects of overpowering anxiety that causes me to isolate from friends and others who can help me.


Good luck on your journey and on finding the support you need.