Messages

Hi I got this,

Welcome to the site. I'm glad you're here. This is a great resource to have. I've been a member here for less than a month, but have already learned a lot about myself from reading how others are coping with their trauma and  through receiving valuable feedback.

My message to you would be: Don't beat yourself up for forgiving too early or anything else. The good thing you've done is realize now how much you're still hurting from the damage done to you as a child. In my opinion, emotional abandonment and shame are the most painful parts of abuse, no matter how that's forced onto you. It sounds like you're recognizing that no form of abuse is trivial. Great job! That's an important hurdle to cross.

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. It takes courage to do that and to reach out for help. I wish you the best on your journey of healing. You"ll find a lot assisstance here, as well as love and understanding.

Luke

Good for you, Blueberry. My thoughts are with you on your journey. 

Hope, WOW!!! Thank you for writing that letter. It rings so true for my life. I related to all the points you made. Some of the specific circumstances were different due to the gender roles we were born into or in some cases may have had forced on us, but the general points were right on the mark. As I read through it I had all kinds of emotions coming up - I guess all my parts were able to feel validated for what they had been through. I cried as I read it. I know that was my little 4 year-old who felt so discarded and abandoned when he desperately needed true love and acceptance. He was always punished or ridiculed for his emotions so he never was able to cry. This has been very therapeutic for me and all my parts.


I was brought up by a very narcissistic M and a classically co-dependent F, whose main job was to please his wife. I know narcissistic abuse exists because I was the recipient of all kinds of abuse from my M - physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I'm right there with you in your evaluation of Libby's T.


And, Hope, it is always heart-warming to hear that you have such a healthy relationship with your partner, especially after hearing about all the rotten messages you were exposed to as a child. In my words I would say, "I'm grateful that the Universe has blessed you with that opportunity." Also, I hope it doesn't feel intrusive with me responding to so many of your posts. Its just that I come across them, sometimes days after you've made them, and it seems like you're telling bits and pieces of my life story better than I ever could. 

Luke 

Hi Blueberry,

I empathize with the tough situation you are in. Having money issues with FOO is never easy, especially when it feels like they have a noose around your neck. I can relate to what you're going through. My F died early, while my GF was still alive. The way the wills were at the time would've benefited me more than my M. But she got my GF to change his will days before he died. He was riddled with cancer and probably wasn't completely aware of what he was doing. She got everything while I got nothing. I felt like it was definitely punishment for me being NC with her.


I'm sending positive thoughts your way, hoping you find the resources you need. I especially hope you can continue your role here on OOTS. I appreciate the assistance you gave me the other day and for checking back on my well-being. I'm in a much better place now, less triggered and back on track, thanks to your help.


Luke

Hi ColorfulGirl,

Welcome to the site. Good to see that you got a new thread going.


I can't say enough about how much therapy has done for me. Dealing with the abuse and trauma from my childhood is about all that has kept me half-way sane and alive over the past 20 years. However, it has been 15 years since my last go in therapy and have just recently started again. Over those years I've had a lot of upheaval in my life - unhealthy, failed relationships, drug use (clean for 8 years now), one of my sons own addiction problems, etc. After finally listening to recovery friends and reading books about trauma, it has become obvious to me that my flashbacks, dissociation and anxiety were out of control. I know that there must still be a lot of unresolved issues bouncing around in my mind and body. Why do I keep fighting a losing battle without help?


So, I decided its time for more T, Although I'm somewhat terrified at bringing up some of the old junk again, I feel that it will be well worth it. Even though my life may sound a bit crazy now, it is a million times better than the years before my first venture into T.


Hopefully joining this site will help you to feel a little less crazy. It certainly helps me. There are some amazing people on here who are very wise, understanding and helpful. I'm sure many of them have been where you are now. My major concern is that you're involved with someone who is a trigger for you. I've been down that path and it only led to more pain.


Good luck on your journey. I wish you the best.


Luke 

Hi Hope,

I wanted to jump in here with a huge "thank you" for your open and honest journal. Its encouraging to read of how you are climbing out of the darkness of the past and moving forward in the present. I can relate to much of what you're feeling. I'm about halfway through reading Janina Fisher's book. It has been an eye opener that has helped me understand a lot of my behavior, actions and feelings.

I especially wanted to thank you for your answers to my first posts on this site a few weeks ago. I could feel a lot of warm, heartfelt empathy and understanding in your responses. You helped me feel I belonged here right from the start. Your generously offered  allowed me to feel accepted for who I am - a healing human being reaching out for help. I honestly want it to be ok to send you  back to you for being who you are and sharing yourself with all of us.


Luke

Thanks, Elph. I will check out your last journal and I'll continue to read the updates here. Hope your next session is helpful.

Hi Elph,

I read your journal this morning because of the words of wisdom you offered me several days ago concerning my attitude towards my own start with emdr. Your response to my "no pain, no gain" comment has helped me to do some much needed introspection regarding some of my old coping mechanisms. Those old ways still greatly influence me so many years after it all ended. I bounce back and forth between going numb and bringing pain into my life, often in the form of self-harm, just to feel alive again. Maybe I feel like I need to punish myself for disappearing. I want to learn to invite in a middle way with less extremes.


I admire your courage and tenacity in moving forward. Thanks for being open and honest for yourself and for all of us. That's a great gift to give to the world.


Thank you 

Hi Kizzie,

My first session with new T went well. She seems like a very understanding and empathetic person. ( Which is what I need rather than somebody that's cold and distant,) She said the next 4-5 weeks would be her getting to know me, This week I'm supposed to write down my earliest memories of abuse. So here we go!


Looking forward to hearing about your session on the 6th.


Luke

Hey SharpandBlunt,

Short answer here: I think that's sick, messed up stuff your m did. I would say your m definitely had serious issues with that and the screaming at you. That's not right to do that sexualized bs with any child. That's abuse.


My m did stuff like that to me and a lot worse when I was very young. And I don't consider what was done to you as trivial at all.


Luke

Hi Elphanigh,

Thank you for your response and the wise words of advice. I'm sure I'll benefit from your experience. The "window of tolerance" thing will be important for me to keep in mind. I often feel like I need to push through any and all pain to just keep moving. That's a very unhealthy way of thinking I began using when I was an adolescent - sometimes those old habits are hard to drop. I'm sure it helped me to survive then, but I don't need it anymore.


I'll keep all of your advice in mind as I move forward. Thanks again.


Luke

Hello everybody,

My thanks go to Kizzie for starting this thread and everyone else who has shared their experiences with EMDR. I'm seeing a new T on the 29th who specializes in EMDR. We have only spoken on the phone once, but after hearing my history and symptoms, she thought that EMDR would be helpful. She said our first session would just be me answering questions for her. So I expect it'll be awhile before we actually get into it.

I started T for the first time 15 years ago. It ended up being very helpful for me, but for the first couple of years I was overwhelmed with nightmares, out-of-body experiences and vivid flashbacks of my abuse. So I'm going in to this with a lot fear, wondering if this new form of T will bring up even more junk. I'm trying to go in with positive thoughts and a "no pain, no gain" outlook. I appreciate the wisdom given here about taking it slow. Now, that's going to be one of the first things I talk to my T about. If anyone has anymore advice or feedback I would love to hear it.


I only just joined this forum a few weeks ago. Now, I'm especially glad I did. I'm sure I'll need all the help and support I can get. And I'll be looking forward to hearing of your experiences, Kizzie. Good luck to you and everyone on their journeys.

Luke

Hi Freak,

There's a song by Haelstorm  that asks the question, "Are you a freak like me?" My answer is, "Yes, I am." I'm a freak because of the family I grew up with and the things they did to me. Throughout my teens and twenties, I had nightmares on a regular basis of members of my family chasing me through dark alleys, abandoned houses, etc. So I can possibly understand the terror you're going through every night. I finally found a therapist I could work with and the nightmares began to subside to where now they are completely gone. Although I still occasionally have vivid PTSD flashbacks during the day, I'm trying to accept that as part of my journey through this life.


My life has been a roller-coaster ride with lots of ups and downs. But like Blueberry said there are still some of us around who've made it through and are still alive and healing. And I'm proud to still be here! I especially like what Blueberry said about, "Its worth sticking it out ..." I agree wholeheartedly.


Despite the admonitions you received, I applaud you for having the strength and courage to share your life and struggles with us here on this forum. (I guess there has to be rules for it to work.) Stupid #^*%!@# rules!!! Your strength and courage says to me that you WILL make it through this.


Keep sharing, being open and honest, and moving forward. Good luck. We're all in this together.


Luke 

Hi Sunny,

Thanks for the encouraging response. I haven't posted for several days cause I've been dealing with "stuff". Life sometimes throws some unexpected twists and turns at you. These days I try to look at the unexpected as learning experiences - as a chance to get stronger. When I'm having a rough time, I try to remember that things will get better and I just try to ride it out.

I hope things go well for you at the University. And its exciting to hear that you are getting an apartment soon. Having your own place can give you a new sense of independence and freedom. I agree with you that feeling ok with yourself is very important. No matter what else is going on when I "get that", then everything else seems to fall into place. You know what? I believe that we are all ok right now, no matter what was done to us and no matter how big the obstacles seem to be in front of us.

Thank you for sharing your story about your struggles with meds.

Luke

* My inner-critic becomes overly active telling me I'm worthless, no good and that I'll never change ...

* I get hit with anxiety attacks and become afraid to be around others (they'll discover how rotten I am) ...

* I isolate and dissociate, attempting to hide physically and mentally, from my fears ...

* I lose the ability to stay in the present moment and/or to think healthy, positive thoughts ...

* I feel small, alone, and abandoned like I did as a child ...


Before I took advantage of any kind of therapy or recovery programs these feelings would lead me into some very destructive behaviours such as alcohol and drug abuse, dangerous activities or purposely hurting myself. In the present I just try to hang on till they pass. Thankfully the EF's are becoming shorter and less frequent, I agree with the last post by HallieChristine, "We can fight this together." Thanks to all who take part in this forum!


Luke