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All those small changes are really quite big well done

Hey San
All my love is heading your way today
xo Wattlebird
 

I'm always amazed at how you can start writing about something that you are stuck on and the solution shows itself, and you think why was I stuck on that its so obvious now!
Well done

I like your name
Denial and recovery don't always mix well, but you seem to be well aware of your issues with them both so I believe you will get there, just little by little and progress slowly accumulates before you know it. 

Hi sceal,
3 weeks is not far off, you will be ok, I've seen your strength, being brave in the fear just means not running away and I can see your not. Well done you always encourage me with your strength even though you don't feel that, your actions and direction show a bravery that's commendable. 

Mums are such an big part of us wether we like it or not, I don't personally like it but know that I need to process that relationship. Take it easy jdog and I'm sending a hug to make everything better! Well I wish I could make it all better

Good luck with the doc
I will wonder around the sight to see if I have any comments on your other posts and see if I have any insights, or just try and support u if I can, I'm glad you are here, ever one in the sight helps others just by contributing so thank you so much.
I've been pretty quiet lately, just been overwhelmed with life but now I'm feeling better I want to be more supportive of everyone here, they have helped me enormously 

How annoying I get the same thing going to therapy, suddenly forget the things that I want to say, my t said it may be pre verbal as well

Thank you so much 3r
Journal
I took a little time out, while trying to process a few things. I feel much better today, I had therapy today and addressed the issues troubling me, then came home and slept, (haven't been sleeping well)
Issue 1 is/was my mum has terminal cancer and I was feeling a pressure to forgive her before she dies, I have been feeling so angry that I am stuck in this position, I DONT want to forgive her, she purposely left me alone with my psychotic sister who was threatening to kill me in my sleep for 2 weeks while she holidayed, I asked her not to, I told her I couldn't handle it, I was scared beyond scared, terrified. She was manic, didn't sleep, physically abusive, verbally abusive, etc, a risk to herself and others, I was given no resources or help. My mum said something like that's just bad luck and gave me a lecture on family responsibilities till I felt selfish and guilty for trying to get out of the situation. So my parents left me to my fate and 2 weeks later of sheer *, they returned, I waited 1 week, I was waiting for her to say something about my time, ask if I was ok or my sister etc. She said nothing at all, never asked how I was, nothing. I confronted her about this and told her I was leaving home. She cried and begged me to stay but I was a broken person.
My mum admits to being a bad mother but has never in anyway mentioned that incident or asked for forgiveness, I can forgive her rages and morally questionable way of parenting but that one incident is beyond my forgiveness.
So we discussed that and decided that I didn't have to forgive her before she dies, it is for me not her, I can forgive her later if I want.
Second I was getting freaked out about DID working through my dissociation book has got me considering that is a possibility and this is just too much for me to handle, she helped me with that worry as well, so looks like it isn't DID thankfully, but I still have quite a severe and complicated dissociative disorder none the less, she also said that although I meet the BPD criteria technically that my behaviour in relationships was uncharacteristic of BPD partially the all good all bad way of relating to others which apparently is integral to bpd.
So after that session I'm feeling so much better, she did say my cptsd was severe and relational distrust extreme but I already knew and accepted this.
Now I can get back to recovery, and stop being scared of my parts.
Also my ex wants me to pay for the dogs food, we are divorced and he has the dogs I'm on a tight budget and don't see the dogs, so I feel like f u but I know this will cause a big argument so I'm undecided how to approach this? I don't want him to turn nasty (overtly) I still have a lot of possessions at his place and can just imagine him refusing to give them back if I don't cooperate.
So that's my week,

Hi hope
I'm so glad you post here, I can relate so strongly to your experiences, it's very reassuring, I was an art student once upon a time but I became so flustered at people's reactions to my work I ended up taking the feelings out of it. I was advised to get psychiatric help more than once, So I understand your fears, but lately I've found it very therapeutic. It's such a good way for me to focus on my parts it's helped me a lot.
I've been emotional this week as well, I really am uncomfortable but tolerating it ok.
Wattlebird 

Divorce is done,
I've been struggling with emotions this week, seems they are surfacing. Anger, grief, having them dissociated for so long has me struggling to cope with so much now, I keep wondering around wondering what to do with it all .
So feeling lost.
Just going to spend some time processing these emotions so I may not be around much or maybe I will, just wanted to drop in and see how you all were but I'm getting a bit triggered by posts so haven't been commenting much. But my thoughts are with you all. 

Thank you so much hope and blueberry, I was feeling down and when I read your responses it made me smile.

Thank you hope and sceal, I got a real feeling of comfort from your words, this new feeling I'm recognising this week is being comforted, last week in therapy I spent 5 or so minutes realising this feeling, it was so foreign to me and when I was feeling it, I was unable to communicate, It was a bit disturbing and I didn't talk about it, thinking it was inappropriate. I now understand that it was entirely appropriate, now I'm not saying no one has ever acted compassionately to me, they certainly have, but I always felt it was undeserved and usually felt ashamed that I had seeked comfort in the first place.
Really the more I learn about myself the more of a mess i see, it's quite depressing really but I also see the posatives thankfully

That must have been scary, I'm glad you are feeling better today, I'm getting surges of anger as well, it's horrible, I feel empathy for your scared part but I'm scared of mine, maybe I should be feeling empathy for my part 
Sending hugs to help 

Thank you for the support everyone I appreciate it a lot, the divorce hasn't happened due to a few issues (technicalitys ) so it was an emotional upheaval with little results (eye roll)
Journal
Feeling a fair bit better today, talked to a few friends, I'm trying to connect with people a bit better, attempting to trust people more, which is difficult and scary.
Had therapy yesterday and connected with my emotions a bit better, it's all extremely frustrating, I'm trapped by my trauma and the only way out is thru. I've spent a life time avoiding this but can't see another way out of this.
I think I'm angry