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that's a great list of words/ concepts/ mind-states, Woodsgnome
I can recognise their relevance to me, also
a challenge, but of the best kind

hi Hope

I just read that you've gone back to work part-time - wow!.... I don't really know you, but it does seem like a huge step, so that's great  ....  really hope you continue to integrate that as well as you seem to be, so far ... it's something I want to have in my life again when I am able, so I really admire that you've been able to achieve that

and I also agree about your relationship and the trust involved ... I'm happy for you that you have been able to build that into your life ... it seems like not only a sign of healing you've achieved, but that it can be a source of ongoing healing

warm wishes 

['I'm in the wrong.']

Even though I've known for a long time something like this would happen - especially so when about to re-iterate boundaries the other week - I have still been very affected by my F's total silence.

I often feel guilt and like I shouldn't be so sensitive and should just find the strength to speak to him. I feel ashamed that I'm abandoning him when he is old and has been supporting me. I also feel panic and deep grief that he may die with us being in this silence. I had actually been hoping I may be able to speak to him again, including about his childhood and family background. I even spoke to my T about that possibility, as I had been making some improvements and sometimes feeling like this was viable to consider, rather than just terrifying only. But yeah - I have been feeling strong waves of 'I'm in the wrong.'.It makes me feel messed up and like my family will all see it as further proof of my craziness and of being difficult or whatever else. So then I feel more isolated and alienated ....... gah! 

Anyway, I needed, for myself, to write something to him to try and put the ball back in his court and make a bit of a tie-off so that the silence wasn't just dangling into space. I needed to feel and express, somehow, that I wasn't going to chase after him or try to make things better, and that he has a choice in deciding what is of most value to him and how he can choose to conduct himself.

I don't want to feel beholden to him in any way, so I tried to send a firm but loving response that made no apologies for my boundaries, named the silence (nothing is still something, right?) and his responsibility for it, made clear I wouldn't participate, and gave thanks and wished him well. I don't feel I've closed doors, but I've made it clear if he wants those communication doors open again then he will have to do it and that he will know I am not going to back down on my boundaries.

I still am struggling with all the other stuff and I really am finding it hard to come more face-to-face with a potential future of total disconnection  . But in some part of me I feel something firm and clear, like I've drawn a line under something that needed to be drawn. I went through a few panic attacks after I sent it, especially over the "I will not communicate to a void" line. Maybe it could have been better, but I needed to just get it done and move on to next phase of processing, so I'm telling myself that we can't do everything perfectly, especially this really tricky stuff. Plus I'm being more grown-up, open and honest than him, so, there's that.

Also, it is helpful to remind myself of various instances and forms of abuse he inflicted 

$#&*@#$ *!!! .... sigh

congratulations on the sports win 

but definitely congratulations on the tattoo and feeling free - that sounds wonderfully powerful .... and it sounds like it is beautiful 

hey Blueberry

really hope you have a very nourishing and beneficial time at your retreat, and enjoy your 2 week break from your usual routine and being offline 

see you on the other side

that was perfect for me today, too
thanks for posting Three Roses 

just wanted to quickly say I relate to what you've written

I think it might be getting stronger, in some ways, but I am undecided if that is necessarily a negative thing ..... I think I am learning to feel my feelings and impulses more clearly and learning to honour them without too much over-thinking and rationalising, which I have overused in the past to keep myself in damaging situations and relationship dynamics, so for now I am valuing my aversions a bit more

maybe in future I will feel the need to work with this differently so that I can engage with more things rather than just avoid, but I'll deal with that when it seems I need to address it and in the meantime try to be non-judgemental with myself about it

not sure if that is a useful response, and sorry I can't expand more on what you've said at this point - struggling with a few other things atm, so my thinking is not as clear and comfortable as I'd like for writing
but I wanted to respond and acknowledge

tc

Thank you!, Donna, and to Kat and others who have described more about the ego states/ structural dissociation.

This sounds like what I have noticed in myself. I have spoken to my T about it, and she seemed to accept my attempts at description, certainly did not seems to dismiss in any way, but she also didn't elaborate or name anything, so I have never really pursued it as I thought perhaps it was normal for everyone.
I've sort of been aware for years of these distinct 'modes' of personality I go through, and only as I was really twigging to the effects of trauma did I start to see there was a connection to DID. I didn't feel what I experience was distinct and strong enough for a DID diagnosis, but I did start to wonder if it was like a kind of nascent form of it.

Anyway, I'm really grateful that you have mentioned it, Donna, so that others have had an opportunity to discuss it a bit more. I'm definitely going to try and find a copy of the book Kat mentioned, and try to find some online articles, too.

Glad you're here, and take care 

feeling pretty wiped out, today, and I have an appointment to go to, so I won't write as much as I want

but I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge everyone's replies and say Thank You - it feels nice to have the responses and also very useful to have some feedback from a more objective perspective about the dynamics I'm dealing with

hello Hope 
Thank you for the kind encouragement 

So this is what I had written earlier that I thought is probably more of a journal post:

A couple of years ago I wrote my parents - who are divorced and living in different countries - a long letter outlining my pretty dire situation (serious health issues, inability to earn income, unstable housing) and floated the possibility of some financial assistance. I went into it knowing it was a serious double-edged sword. I would not have done it if I didn't feel in a desperate place. Friends and T thought it was worth trying given my circumstances. I also laid out that I would only communicate with them via email, with no Skype or phone calls. I said I could not put a time-frame on how long I would need this arrangement in place. I said I did not want to be put in the position of being asked to discuss any of this. Even though there had been some very upsetting and tumultuous exchanges in the previous year, resulting in my being NC for a while, they both came back in great support and willing to help with important things when needed. For a long time we communicated by email in a sporadic to regular basis with no mention of Skype or phone calls, etc.

Then, there were a couple of occasions when my f asked if we could speak via Skype, "because it's been such a long time, Darling". And once even his wife asked. Each time I would go into a complete panic and become so angry and distressed. I would end up deciding to ignore, given my stated boundaries, and things always seemed to move on ok. T supported this. A bit of NoJADE approach.

Now, leading up to this xmas my father came up with an idea for a xmas present for me - that he and his wife would pay for my internet connection in my new place so that I could have music, movies, easy surfing and ..... we could Skype(!!!). Then he said we should try to arrange a Skype chat for xmas, even asked for my phone number when I informed him of delays on moving. I FREAKED OUT. Not only about the Skype and phone call, but at the idea of having some regular, major thing being paid for. The whole suggestion made me feel completely terrified and trapped like a cornered animal (a feeling I'm very familiar with, especially from my f). Not only did I feel that this time I had to respond to the Skype thing, but I also had to decline the gift offer - both of which I knew would result in fallout.

In a much more tight time-frame than I would like I worked up the courage to write a letter, first covering other topics and trying to keep it calm and clear and loving, Then I said I was not going to rush into an internet plan (he was getting quite excited and pushy about it) since my priority was making the place homely - it's been years since I've had my own space to call 'home'. And finally I calmly but firmly referred to my earlier letter and reiterated my boundaries on communication. I felt sick as I pressed send, knowing there would be fallout of some kind, but certain that I had to send it and ride out whatever came. That was a couple of days before xmas.

I sent he and his wife a message on xmas morning. I didn't receive one back. I have not had any emails from him since I sent that boundary reiteration. Not surprising, but still so upsetting 

I am going through so many difficult emotions and thoughts, especially given my parents age. But there is also a sense of inevitability and relief. I feel a bit like the new place can be a new start where I do not rely on my parents financial support any more. That will be challenging, as I am still unable to work, but with subsidised rent it may be possible. But there is a sense of freedom in thinking about not relying on them, but more so from feeling less obliged to them if they cannot respect my boundaries or responsibly address past damage.

For now I feel I have to address my f's silence - one of his major weapons. Part of me wants to just not write to him at all and just allow that silence to morph into NC. But I'm feeling I need to close it properly for myself, somehow. I am not him and I do things more openly and honestly. I want to communicate something to him that names the silence as his choice. Maybe to say that I am sad, given his age and my struggles with living, but that I accept his silence and in so doing will cease trying to communicate with him. I'm still contemplating how I might word it - I think it needs to be succinct. But I feel like it is haunting me if I don't close it off, or something.

I actually just wrote something of my recent issues for another post, and then got panicky that it was too long and not appropriate for the main board. I started thinking it might be better as a journal entry, so here I am.... 

I've been wondering about starting a journal, but haven't known where to start. I read bits of other people's journals, but so far I feel a bit overwhelmed by them because I feel I've missed so much and want to go back, but can't read that much. I also feel a bit awkward about commenting when I feel like I'm coming in part way and don't know people well, yet. And now that I am actually starting my own journal thread I feel like it's a stupid idea and surprisingly confronted by it. It seemed like a good idea earlier, but now I feel stupid


Anyway............. 

Before I begin properly, I want to say that I'm quite happy for people to share any relevant stories that may be prompted by anything I write - what I will call 'Appropriate Hijacking'. I'm also happy for people to pick out something that someone else has said and respond to that, a bit like more normal conversations when people bounce off each other. As long as it is essentially on topic, then I figure it is all potentially helpful and interesting and I welcome others input. I don't want people to feel overly concerned about hijacking, especially if it is all in response to a topic or idea raised. Hope that makes sense. 

 hi BeHea1thy
and no worries
it's a lot to read and take in, but it's brilliant and encouraging, eh

['hope']

hi Plantsandworms

I very much relate to your situation, including in feeling all mixed up about it.

My mother wrote me a letter a while back, sometime after I had been NC then carefully communicated MC. She acknowledged some significant things I had raised with her about our problematic past and apologised for aspects of it. In many ways it was a big deal for her to have made that step, and it came across as heartfelt and genuine. There was a part of me that melted and wanted to reach out. Showing my T, who I had not been seeing long at that time, she initially thought it was very touching and positive. But........

My greatest response was fury and contempt. For all the apparent sincerity her references were very minimised and augmented retelling of events. She was completely letting herself off the hook for the extent of her own extremely cruel, damaging behaviour, which she minimised to 'inadequate'. It was a cop-out. Also, completely failed to mention a willingness to attend counselling, as I had suggested twice (as last gasp attempt) and she cruelly dismissed. She wrote that she really wanted to reestablish a better relationship with me and that she hoped we could have that in the future, and the thought I had was - 'You 'hope' things can be better? So what's your action plan for that? Are you going to wish upon a star?!'. Again, she was copping out, side-stepping. There were other problems too, but basically, it was clear what she was 'apologising' for was not what needed to be apologised for and was falling WAY short of the mark for what has really gone down.

On one hand, I do believe it is important to recognise any positive step and genuine attempt to reach out and mend. But to my mind, the problems and discrepancies are continuations of all the dysfunctional patterns and behaviours that have driven me to have to go MC/NC. They are evidence that denial, avoidance, minimisation, etc are still at play. And I feel extra angry because I feel guilty about feeling angry at something so ostensibly loving and positive.  This has just been too much for me to get a clear enough grasp on, or clarity in, to be able to respond to that letter specifically, even though I have maintained communication on other more mundane matters via email.

I have been thinking of starting a draft response, and while I don't know, yet, how I will navigate all of these issues, I do feel even more clear, now, that ANY meaningful reconciliation MUST involve counselling. I'm no longer willing to risk my health and safety without that professionally bounded and informed guard rail. I think it has been good for me to wait in responding because I've protected myself from my peace-making, accomodating aspect of self as well as not going in with my rage and fury burning her up with blame. Waiting has given me time and space to try and get a clearer sense of what my needs are and what boundaries have to be in place to protect those. I highly doubt she will go down the counselling route, but by telling her my boundaries the ball is back in her court. It's for her to step-up. I'm all out of trust enough to increase contact without my stipulations. The stakes are too high for me and I'm done with going around that mince-mill with her or the rest of them.

So, from my perspective, I suggest sitting on your response until you have a chance to discuss with your T. I do think it is important to work out what your boundaries are with ongoing communication/ relationship before you open yourself up to the warm fuzzy feelings and longing to connect. It's easy and natural to feel drawn in by that, and in an ideal world.......... But we know from repeated bad experience that our families are not healthy and have not done enough work on matters of boundaries to be able to trust them. Tread carefully, I say, and make sure you prioritise your safety above all else.

  to everything you just wrote.
I still fall in and out of forgetting and remembering this. It's great to have you and other people reiterate the point because it is a big, important, useful one, I reckon.
We are actually monumentally strong.