Thank you so much, my "therapy-support" friends. I have had a very up and down weekend, but despite everything I still feel that I have got some positives out of a poor experience, but still have a strong, lingering doubt that it was poor because of me and not the therapist.
I realise now that reaching out to people, other than here, just doesn't help. They don't get it and don't want to get it. And that includes doctors and therapists. I feel very aware that I was looking for something, that I never got from my parents when I needed it, so am not going to get it anywhere else. I don't think I will ever achieve any degree of self love, but I am working on self acceptance. The therapist seemed to want me to change. As she put it, to rewrite my story. To do things I had avoided, and so on. But actually, I think for me, it is better if accept myself and my limitations, but the key is not to feel the overwhelming guilt about my life. For example, not to force myself to socialise, like I have done, but not to feel ashamed and guilty for not joining in. My therapist said that my belief that I didn't know myself, because I was only what my mother said I was, and that I tried to be whatever was required in the moment, which left me feeling vulnerable and fake, was nonsense. Something I had read and bought into because it suited me to say so. I don't know if you agree, but I think that is very central to Cptsd.
Therapy has taken away a lot of my anger at my parents, but now I am left with just the terrible sadness. Sadness for my parents, myself, my children, everything. I think that this would be counted as a success for therapy, but not sure if sadness is more tolerable than anger. At least with anger, I kept fighting. With this sadness, I just feel hopeless and powerless, which is what I felt always with my parents.
But having said all that, I feel at least, that I have finally made some decisions for myself - no therapy, no medication, no talking about my issues from my parents ( other than here!!) no forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, less guilt about who and what I am. It's a start, I think.
Hope, Eyesofblue, San Magic, Blueberry, you are all amazing. Thank you.
Libby.
I realise now that reaching out to people, other than here, just doesn't help. They don't get it and don't want to get it. And that includes doctors and therapists. I feel very aware that I was looking for something, that I never got from my parents when I needed it, so am not going to get it anywhere else. I don't think I will ever achieve any degree of self love, but I am working on self acceptance. The therapist seemed to want me to change. As she put it, to rewrite my story. To do things I had avoided, and so on. But actually, I think for me, it is better if accept myself and my limitations, but the key is not to feel the overwhelming guilt about my life. For example, not to force myself to socialise, like I have done, but not to feel ashamed and guilty for not joining in. My therapist said that my belief that I didn't know myself, because I was only what my mother said I was, and that I tried to be whatever was required in the moment, which left me feeling vulnerable and fake, was nonsense. Something I had read and bought into because it suited me to say so. I don't know if you agree, but I think that is very central to Cptsd.
Therapy has taken away a lot of my anger at my parents, but now I am left with just the terrible sadness. Sadness for my parents, myself, my children, everything. I think that this would be counted as a success for therapy, but not sure if sadness is more tolerable than anger. At least with anger, I kept fighting. With this sadness, I just feel hopeless and powerless, which is what I felt always with my parents.
But having said all that, I feel at least, that I have finally made some decisions for myself - no therapy, no medication, no talking about my issues from my parents ( other than here!!) no forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, less guilt about who and what I am. It's a start, I think.
Hope, Eyesofblue, San Magic, Blueberry, you are all amazing. Thank you.
Libby.