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[Only when administered correctly]

Alter-eg0,

I'm so sorry you were mistreated like this! 

Those tests are not intended for people who are depressed, and certainly not for people who are drugged out of their mind. So any results from administering the test incorrectly, the way they did, are faulty. Especially this part "here's a risk in overestimating her because her verbal intelligence is higher than the other categories".

What it should say is "test results show verbal intelligence to be the strongest scored category at this point". Again, the test never should have been administered under those conditions.

I hope you realize how damaging those lies are, and that you are so much more than what they can see in you. 

Only when administered correctly the IQ test I took most recently is very good, yet also very lacking in breadth. They only measure the logical intellect of the mind. I would love to take a musical based IQ test, among others. I don't know if they exist, but I know musical/artistic intelligence is as real as logical intelligence.

Hi Tee! 

That's wonderful your puppy has finished school and earned her certification; yay! 

I'm very upset to hear how unwelcome she is at the wedding! I can't understand people like that, nor do I want to. I'm sure you're right though, they don't understand how you're feeling. 

My mind immediately starts jumping to ideas to "fix" the situation, which tells me that the situation is unacceptable to me. I've learned that I can't fix anyone else's problems though, we all have to do our best to work things out for ourselves.

I think your emotions are stronger than most people's; mine are too! To people with emotions which are less strong, I'm sure they would say you are overreacting. It's important to realize your feelings are different from theirs, and they don't have any right to judge you.

You were given an ultimatum. No one is going to feel good about that, especially when it is between two loved ones. I'm sorry that your family is  treating you this way. I hope you find more positive and uplifting people in your life. 

Whatever you choose to do about the wedding, I'm sure it will go fine. If you want, I can tell you what I'd do, but our lives are different, so it's important for you to make the best choice for your own life.

Hey Blueberry,

Everyone makes good points here. You are right that those who are not traumatized are not triggered in the same way. This is one of the challenges of using words which are not defined in detail. So much of language is left out, because we all assume on some level that the other people around us know how to fill in the blanks.

Let's use "I feel triggered" as an example.

This is fine, anyone can correctly say this because it is only them expressing their feelings. What is unsaid is the important part. This is likely the unsaid part:

Trauma Survivor: "My survival response has been triggered more strongly than it normally is due to this event."
Non-Trauma Survivor:" "That loud noise triggered my anxiety levels to spike."

I hope this helps clarify things. I'm really picky on definitions too, because I think the things we don't say mean more than the things we do.

Hi Snowdrop! 

Sorry there is so much resistance on this topic, I guess there's a lot to work through. That's okay though, you'll get there!

It's really great how you are respecting your emotions (resistance); acting not to overwhelm yourself while looking for new ways to progress. That's an extremely impressive approach.

I hope you find a good way to work through all of this; I'm sure you will if you keep it up.

<3 Niko

Hi Libby! 

Welcome back! Thank you for catching up, there's so much written here! Thanks for your well wishes too. Things are challenging, but I'm making a lot of progress, so I'm great!

How are you dong?

<3 Niko

[Spatial Orientation]

I've been really curious about how my mind works now. Most people consider an IQ test to be a good measurement of intelligence, so I was curious what my score would be now that I am free from trauma.

For reference, my highest score in the past is 147. At the time this was labelled "borderline genius"; I see it is now rated "highly gifted".

I took a free test online using my phone, hardly ideal circumstances, but good enough for me to answer all of the questions with time to spare. I'm confident they are all correct.

Unfortunately the results are not free, but this is what they told me for free (SIC):

"Impressive! You completed the test in: 17m 34s Your strongest category is Spatial Orientationwhere you scored higher than 99% of people tested.

They did not give me my IQ rating number, but here are my thoughts on the matter:

- I do not believe Spatial Orientation is my strongest category.
- I am in the top 1% in the category I do not consider my strongest
- 1% of people are in the highest score bracket, labelled "highly gifted"

Based on everything I've written here, I expect my IQ score is at least 160 which is the highest on the score chart.

While there is so much more to how the brain works than what the IQ test measures, I wonder how I can use my "intelligence" to improve my life.

P.S. It is interesting to note that it is so challenging for me to write about this topic that I am slightly trembling. I need to go relax now, because stress is just as deadly now as it is when I was traumatized, yet I cannot so easily access the strength to fight it now.

Wow! I have not read the details of the situation, but the quote Hope has listed is extremely impressive.

That's excellent Zanzoken; I completely agree that listening and accepting the voice is the correct choice!

It has only been a few hours since I've accepted that my mind is different than most others. Already that acceptance has made a tremendous impact on my life. Everything is so much better now; I feel much more peace, which isn't scary.

I have always intellectually known how important it is to "be yourself", but I only truly know now through experience.

This point: "be yourself" is perhaps the most important thing I have come to realize thus far.

Rainydiary, I feel you are hurting right now.  I'm so sorry.

I am encouraged to see you are continuing to push yourself forward in your career, whilst dealing with everything else. Socializing is an extremely challenging topic. I find it more so due to how differently my brain works than others, I wonder if this is true for you as well.

I'm relieved to hear your cat only has 2 days of treatment left! You two are so close to the end of this challenging journey! 

I see much wisdom in your writing here, as usual. Keep being you!

Wow Sage, I'm so happy with how everyone treated you today. It sounds so respectful, which is massively important.

I'm even happier that it was so good for you. All of those relaxations you're making are right on, and now that you are aware of what's going on you can improve it if you wish.

I'm sorry of all that extra stress about the house inspection. That was one of my worst fears for a long time due to the catastrophizing (apparently that's not a word but it should be)

No landlord has ever complained about me though, some of them even thanked me for being such a good tenant even though I was unhappy with the condition of the place when I left.

Based on all that I'm sure everything will be fine, but the stress is understandable.

Chicken salad and a book sounds great! I'm going to get a bit of sorbet myself. I keep my sugar in take low so I can treat myself with sorbet and not have bad consequences. 🙂

Renaissance, I'm so sorry. 

I know how hard this is... it takes so much out of you, especially with the related dreams. However, as you pointed out, you are handling it exceptionally well, which is wonderful! You are absolutely making progress. This tells me you will be able to survive whatever happens. There's always options! When we can't find them ourselves, its important to just keep asking.

I don't know where you live, but I would find some more support resources. It really strikes me how you said you only get face to face contact about once a week, because I'm in a similar situation. There are more options here though. There are a lot of places I can go, with mental health professionals and without. So I expect there is something similar there for you to find.

While I fully understand you being tired of being one step away from bankruptcy and the streets, those are not the worst experiences I've ever lived through. From what you write they are a possibility, so you may want to do some research on how to make it easier. There are places to sleep and places to get food here, especially if it is only short term.

I wish you had a loving family who could take you in, but I understand that isn't the reality for most of us. While no  one can replace that, there are others who try to do something similar if you look for them.

I just today learned that a "distress center" is where I'm supposed to call when I feel lonely. Wow! I wish my psychiatrist had told me that 8 years ago when he started seeing him, never mind any of the mental health "professionals" prior to him. I hope you have that or something similar nearby.

If you need someone to talk too because you can't find anyone else, feel free to drop me a message and we'll go from there.

<3 Niko

A little while ago I noticed that song I really like "Ride of the Valkyries" is part of an opera. I've always been attracted to operas with their powerful music and sometimes words. They have a big impact on me.

So I was listening to it today, and I had a scenario running through my imagination of the neighbour coming by and asking why I liked opera, so I began to explain to her what I liked about it and how she could enjoy it like I do.

Then I realized that I now understood why I liked opera, because my mind is clear from the trauma. I sat down and cried tears of relief and joy for a few minutes.

I won't go in to the exact details here, but my mind is exceptional. I was talking to my sister yesterday after I got out of the hospital about noticing details, and gave her some examples of the things I noticed and what those details told me. I realized this is what Sherlock Holmes does, which I quite like. Then I realized Sherlock Holmes is autistic.

I really don't like the word autistic, so I don't know much about it, as I've avoided the topic. However I greatly appreciate my mind, and now that it is beginning to work after being shut down for 30 years, the results are amazing.

My biggest fear about autism, is that every example of it I've seen is limited to one part of the brain, usually the logical part. These are the Sherlock Holmes, the Rainmans, the card counters etc.

However with how quickly and fully I understood that opera it is clear to me that it is more than just my logical mind which is exceptional.

Given all of this, I think that trauma over-activates the part of our mind which best helps us to survive. For some that's logical so we can figure out what to do next, for some that's emotional so we can know which things in our life help us feel better, surely for some it is instinctive... they just know how to do everything right, physically.

Breaking trauma brings the one part of the mind down to a normal level, which lets the other parts of the mind activate. Based on this, I suspect that Sherlock Holmes et al. are living in trauma, using their survival instincts for the world, instead of for getting their mind back to a healthier state.

Surely there are developmental consideration as well, so not every autistic person is traumatized. What I write here is about me and the others like me.

EIdolon: are you still in acute care? I was just in something like that (not sure which words to use to describe it that won't be triggering), so I'd love to discuss the experience with you, as someone who can relate.

It was so extremely challenging for me. I hope you're doing well. 

<3 Niko

I am so happy to get this form from the emergency doctor at the hospital. It is the most validating thing I have. A doctor listened and believed me enough that he said I have shown a lack of competence to care for myself that will likely result in serious physical impairment to me.

This is my painful truth, and I love it! My life is in danger because my mother failed so thoroughly! This has been true for 30 years, it's just taken this long for a doctor to realize. I've made it 30 years so far, things are only going to get easier from here, so long as the doctors don't over-react. So far, so good! 

I'm so happy about this I'm framing it!  

Thank you so much, Hope! I always love your hugs and seeing your name and picture pop up.