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Blueberry, thank you for the reply! I know that having a therapist I feel comfortable with is important, and the therapist I met with, well, he was far from brilliant...

I'll fight for meeting someone who knows more about CPTSD. Thank you for giving me a push about the right direction to take here. It's gonna be hard to wait for the right one (where I live the waiting times are truly terrible), but better wait than risk taking damage from a "bad" therapist.

Met a therapist a week ago and talked about CPTSD-related problems for the first time. The therapist did not know what CPTSD was. He said he doesn't use diagnoses in his treatment. Then proceeds to give me several questionairs about depression and different anxiety disorders that I fill in. Afterwards he says he thinks I have general anxiety disorder (so much for not using diagnoses) and wants to treat me accordingly. The whole thing didn't feel hopeful at all. He barely asked me questions and seemed to assume everything about me. 

So to why I wrote the post, is it possible to treat CPTSD without knowing about it, or should I look for another therapist?

Sidenote: So happy the site is up and running again. Been a tough week without it, especially after meeting a therapist and not being able to talk about it to anyone. Didn't understand how much OOTS means to me until the website crash. Thank you all for a great community ♡

I feel the same, I have never appreciated any type of surprise. The sentence "I have a surprise for you" will most likely just give me anxiety. Maybe because I don't get to build up a defense for it and think out how to react or act before hand.

Badmemories, I too relate. I was bullied most of my teenage years and during childhood I was emotionally neglected by my parents.

I have lived in this town for 21 years. I don't know it's people, no street names or buildings. It's not until recent years that I started putting effort into fitting in by learning thouse things.

I navigate town differently. Every place has its own memories within me instead. Many hurtful ones, others are vague and brings up emotions.

I wonder sometimes why I still live here when I had the possibility to leave. I usually feel better when I am somewhere else.

DecimalRocket I do the same as you, I never mention my gender online. You also made me aware that I think the same as you when I think about myself in childhood - as a kid, and not as a boy or a girl. I never thought about that before but it's interesting, thank you for your post!

I do really dislike being called a girl or a woman. I usually relate it to oppression. I won't ask people to call me something else, too much effort.

Very interesting thread and as always on OOTS, a very open-minded and nice community.

I agree. My whole childhood was confusing because I couldn't understand my gender, it was awful and still I sometimes question and compare myself to others, especially when it comes to oppression and discrimination.

Today I view myself as someone without social gender. I am not a gender, but a person.

For as long as I can remember I have had a high tolerance for pain. However, I am also starting to notice that it's not only pain I'm less sensitive to, but also physical touch in general. Sometimes I don't feel anything at all when someone touches me, it's like I'm observing someone else and it's not me that they are touching. Is this also dissociating? Can someone relate?

It feels like I could have written your post. I've had the same thoughts as you so many times.

I think there is no easy answer. I did decide to tell a friend about some of my issues, because she had shared a lot of her life to me and I always supported her.

Sadly, it did not go as I hoped. She did not respond at all and it was hurtful. Everyone is different though so I think you have to feel if your friend is able to support or feel empathy. In hindsight, I think my friend didn't respond because she couldn't even deal with her own problems. Maybe try sharing something "smaller" first and see how the person reacts before telling the whole story.

Wish you all the best ♡

I'm doing an internship and it's soon about to end which means saying goodbye to colleagues, clients or others I've worked with during the past half year.

Saying goodbye is not my strong side and it's causing a lot of anxiety. In previous jobs I dealt with quitting by not saying anything to anyone, I just never showed up again. It's how I prefer it. But at this internship people have been very nice and likeable. My ICritic is therefore causing a lot of trouble.

On one hand it tells me that no one cares if I quit. That I'm not appreciated at work and just another colleague. On the other hand it tells me I'm selfish and mean for not saying goodbye and I will hurt people if I don't say anything, which really guilt-trip me.

I'm not sure what the best option is. Push myself to say goodbye to everyone and risk feeling emotionally exhausted and anxiety. Or I don't say goodbye, but then feeling guilt or missing out on positive feedback.

It feels like a no win situation, but maybe someone here has struggled with the same type of dilemma and found a third way I can't yet see.

I did say goodbye to one colleague yesterday and we hugged (hugs are very difficult). The whole thing felt forced and awkward.

Just wanna add that I figured out I can use the amazing tool "google" to find out why I mix up the order of words, and it's due to anxiety (surprise, surprise). Well, now I got that answered. The brain is very complex and interesting as always.

Out of the Storm helped me realize when I'm in an EF. Keep looking for information and you'll learn more and more about yourself, and also that you are not alone.

When I'm in an EF I get very angry and irritated at others. I start to feel hatred towards anyone, even if they have done nothing to hurt or bother me. I criticise, provoke and isolate myself during these periods.

Other times I feel numb and hollow. I dissociate a lot and usually I notice by thinking back and I realise I can't remember the last couple of weeks. When it's very bad I loose a sense of reality and myself.

Something else I became aware of by reading this thread is that I sometimes switch the order of words when I speak, could that be due to CPTSD maybe? I never felt that I'm not able to speak, but my thoughts can become very very slow and usually repetitive.

And thank you for posting ♡

I can relate to some of it. Usually when I do repetitive chores like dishes, brushing my teeth, walking from one place to another, I daydream. Just like melere, my daydreams are mainly conversations I would like to have with people. I sometimes notice myself doing facial expressions or are almost about to talk out loud. It's quite common that I get emotional reactions from the day dreaming too.

However, I've never experienced the daydreaming to be an issue. Only when I start to be repetitive in my mind or think the same scenario over and over. Does anyone else recognize the dwelling part of it?

Sorry for the late answer, but thank you for your kind words sanmagic7.

We went and saw a doctor together. The doctor agreed that my partner had issues that need professional treatment. My partner has sent in an application with the doctors support and hopefully he can go to a therapist as soon as possible!

My partner still have doubts and worries but I think we are both heading towards the right direction now.

Thank you so much sanmagic7 for your honesty and care.

To answer your questions, yes, my partner has voiced concerns. Yesterday we actually had a good conversation after I confronted him. I gave him an ultimatum, either he gets help or the relationship is over. He opened up about things I already suspected but not yet confirmed (for example addictions and lying).

I felt like the confrontation was an eye opener for him. He faced himself and spoke about things that he so far only kept to himself. Next week I will join him when meeting his doctor.

Maybe I give him too many chances. But it's difficult leaving someone who stood by me when I myself reached rock bottom.

I feel like I've gotten some clarity to the situation and you helped giving me the courage to confront him and to end the relationship if needed. Thank you ♡

I have issues with c-ptsd and my partner have always tried his best to support me. However, my partner seems to be having problems himself. He differs a lot from me when he feels bad. He isolates himself, doesn't want to talk or do anything, sometimes he expresses suicidal thoughts. I am not sure why he feels this way.

Usually I emotionally dissociate when he feels this way. I don't feel empathy for him and it doesn't help that he barely tells me what's going on. I think he needs comfort, but I feel unable to give him that due to my own problems.

He is not motivated so seek therapy or any other kind of help. Am I even able to do anything? I'm so unsure to what to do or think, all I know is that it feels stressfull each time he becomes depressed like this.

Maybe someone has advice. Otherwise it helps being able to just write down my thoughts.