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Many thanks!  I hope it lasts too.  I felt it slipping away earlier this evening but consoled myself that the feeling will return.  Then I went outside, felt the cold, saw the trees and smelt the air, realised I was part of that experience, and it returned!!

I sincerely hope that you, and all of humanity, can enjoy such an experience also - you already have it inside of you!  It's like I know how the rest of the world's hurt has suppressed my own inner beauty for so long, but I can finally begin to forgive (but never forget lest I repeat my own mistakes and the mistakes of others) with the help of this "field of energy" in which we all exist.

It is somewhat irksome that I can't write a "manual" on how to do this, as it goes beyond the ability of human language; maybe sometime with more practice and (literal) experience I will be able to "find the words" to describe the feelings in a way others may recognise.

At the same time I am more aware than ever that some experiences will need to happen under the haze and confusion of a flashback, but now feel (there's a theme here!) that I'm better equipped to deal with them.

I love your name "Hope", as this is something I am personally experiencing for the first time.

More love and peace to you from my green yet icy little corner of the world :-)

Success!  My patience and effort has been well rewarded, by the universe!

Although my recovery journey is still in its early stages, I had no idea that opening up to, trying to love all parts and facing many difficult days and nights of introspection could yield such a result so early on.

During a period of introspection last week, where I was talking with my inner children, and any other parts of my psyche that could be identified, I stumbled upon a new awareness, which is hard to describe empirically or non-emotionally, as it was an experience made purely of emotion; more specifically love, pure and unblemished.

I have personally never described myself as a religious, or even spiritual person, as such expressions I generally found to be those most despised by society, and my large catalogue of abusers.  However, I have now changed my mind.  Although the feelings cannot be related to any particular "belief system" (I don't like social structures and systems - never have (and it has been a source of some harsh abuse)) I am now convinced that there is a higher power, the best part of which is us!  We are all a little part of the absolute love, total intelligence and absolute power of Unity / God / Allah / The Force [insert name of your preferred deity here].

This quite literally changes EVERYTHING for me.

I managed to realise that I am not a certain thought (as those are only transient), a feeling (transient) or a product of abuse (transient) or anything else which is transient.  "I" am the "observer" who is always present.  The best way I can think of it is pure energy and "love".  My soul rediscovered, I listened to all the internal voices talking to one another for a while (luckily they were getting along way better than usual) and felt at peace, for the first time in my life.  I then felt (without alcohol, drugs or any chemicals) "out of my head" like I was observing not only my own internal aspects but the whole room, then the building, then the world, then the universe.  At that point I was "connected" in the most profound and beautiful way - suddenly all was made of love and compassion so pure.  I was overwhelmed, but kept with the experience for some time (next time I looked at a clock over two hours had passed in our time).

Despite a long-time knowledge of the science behind such concepts as energy = matter = energy = matter (as matter is energy slowed down), time being relative (to everything else and itself) and quantum physics, these things now make absolute sense, as they are all part of us and we are born of them.

I had suspected that the effect may only be transient itself, hence waiting a week before telling anyone about it.  Happily, that supposition was incorrect.  In the following couple of days, I felt many of my compulsions (such as materialistic collecting of "stuff", which had been a lifetime habit) simply melting away.  I worked out not only what I don't want, but also what I want.  I am now searching for a new job which should bring far more freedom and fulfilment than before.  And I have had the same experience since, where suddenly everything from myself to my surroundings seemed so wonderful, and then somehow "linked in" with literally EVERYTHING else.

I went out and the people seemed so much more receptive, and their pets were unusually calm around me.  The field f energy I project has changed.  The little birds in the holly tree outside my door (which I've never even noticed before) no longer fly away when I exit the house (I use the term "house" loosely lol).

I have become a completely different person over the last couple of weeks, and am becoming gradually more certain that this is only the start of a more permanent change.  Over the last couple of days, when I've begun to feel the crippling flashback terrors, it feels like I can call on "God" within me (he / she / it is in all of us and all things) for strength and love.

Only after the first "transcendental" experience I finished reading Pete Walker's first book (The Tao of Fully Feeling).  In a later chapter he briefly described a "numinous experience" which I guess that was.  I think this is something which is every creature's birthright, and something so wonderful which was denied to us by others who refused to take that particular (narrow and difficult) path.  And it comes from within ourselves.

I guess some of you will be highly sceptical at my attempt to describe the indescribable, which is fine.  But I feel that my life has changed in such a profound way in such a short time that it was worth sharing.  I think that experience of "oneness" was what my inner children were all seeking (and in some cases getting close to).

Has anyone else had a similar experience on their road to good-enough recovery?

Love, compassion and genuine heartfelt peace to you all 

Yes indeed, I spent a while in your tree house the other day!  The 13 EF management steps are certainly useful and using those over the last couple of months has meant I no longer let the various critics go on their traditional rampage, which used to result in a spiralling downward which would stretch out the FB for days (sometimes weeks).  They still catch me unexpectedly, but through knowing what's actually going on and using Pete Walker's steps they can generally be overcome over a couple of days.  My attitude re-adjustments to pretty much everything (at the moment) are still a work in progress though!

Sorry to hear that.  Sounds from here like your anger reaction is completely normal and healthy, at least you've got away from it.  Perhaps "mark as junk" may be tempting to click on...  I've done that when (non FOO) previous abusers have tried to "track me down" on social media.

Well I got pretty hammered last night and forgot to eat anything before crashing at about 2am.  However, this time the booze etc. did not actually kill the sensations.  It seems somewhat less useful than it was before.  Amazingly no hangover so my progress to work this morning was unimpeded.

I 'aint givin' up that easily.

Will give in to the compulsion this evening though, I'd feel overwhelmed trying to change too much at a time otherwise.  Will not get *faced for a while after this persistent FB passes though...

I'll just sit here for a bit then take your puppies down to the beach and teach them to play fetch if that's OK...

This is on-going at the moment, but it is good to know I'm not the only one, and hope others get the same feeling.  I'm still stuck in FB (at work again), my profound sadness (last night went wayyy beyond depression alone, I get that sometimes too but am sure it's another symptom) has turned into the the heart-pounding fear (again).  I've done some good (paid) work today but somehow feels it hasn't been enough.

After letting my emotions back in again, and paying attention to them, last night's drink and drugs binge didn't actually "de-activate" them this time, just made it all a bit more confusing.  Hopefully as the dulling effect wears off I can carefully work on reducing the compulsion to do so, as I really don't want to die of a knackered liver.

Having read 'From Surviving to Thriving' though I did remember to consciously re-assure the child that although he may be angry and hurtful, and has tried to hurt my adult self, I still love him anyway and will continue to provide the reassurance and support to him that was lacking in his time.  I can also remind him that he now has access to an adult body (for protection) and adult intellect, so through me he can put his emotions into words and express himself as he was not taught to do before.  Also, that expression will not be punished by me, even if it perhaps was in the past.

The age of 7 seems significant for me somehow; perhaps this is when my "thinking self" fully dissociated for the first time, and the fun carefree innocence was extinguished.

I will indeed take it slow and easy, and not be harsh on myself.  I am proud of the fact that I continue to weather this particular FB and have refused to dissociate this time.  Time for added tenacity (grits teeth)...

m very interested to hear other's examples of how they dealt with frightening and potentially dangerous inner children (this is like becoming a parent to a kid I didn't know I had sheesh).

Thanks again!  I'm auto-censoring most of the time anyway...  But this is the only place where some sort of mutual understanding can be found.  The only friends I have who can relate have dealt with things in their own ways, which often aren't too great.  A man told me last week the Doc had given him 15 years at most without changing his ways and in his words "I'm not changing anything!!".  I don't want that.  There must be more.

Speaking of which:

"one pint two pint three pint four.  Five pint six pint seven pint more!!"  This is so *g wrong.

I've been * at work recently having been rediscovering that which could no longer remain hidden.  Sad the rest of the world has to hear about it too.  Have been thinking of telling my boss, without being too specific, that recent ineptitude (although I've still earned high praise for doing my usual technical miracle work, which I should be proud of but somehow can't) was due to "unspecified" mental health difficulty, but am way too scared.  I know he wouldn't understand but would he even try?  Seems like a sound enough chap from a distance.  But this situation is so delicate a the moment I can't risk anything which may jeopardise it.  If I lose my "independence" and by inference have to move back in with the folks, life will be over one way or another.

A "dark night of the soul" this truly is.  I never guessed letting my feelings back in would present this many challenges!  Well the beer tells me I've survived everything else I can survive the streets too is I need to!  There's so many things which are so hard to hang onto which I need!  Oh * I thought the drinking would stop the worry.  But I absolutely WILL NOT RETURN to non-feeling.  That was too easy but yet so destructive.

Things would appear to have entered a "sink or swim" scenario.  I really need professional help here (caveat: from the right person - all I've seen so far have insisted I "pull myself together" before being worthy of help - what a *g joke!) :'-(

Thanks for the replies, most helpful and intuitive, the sort of reasoning I completely lose sometimes when in EF mode.

I've not really contemplated an inner teen before - this kid feels more like he's about 5 to 7 years old, hence the impulsive actions.  I had to grow up pretty fast, so have a much stronger memory of the teenage years.  People often said between about 12 and 16 that I was "older than my years", and my ongoing substance issues began around age 14.  That's pretty much the same person I am now, albeit with more responsibility (now there is an irony) and a bit more time for others!

The first "error" (at the party) I ascribed to the outer critic, which I am well aware makes me distrustful and paranoid about other's intentions.  It seemed that it was trying to find new ways to * me over to allay my attempts at turning it into something more useful.

However, after this evening's rather uncomfortable events, I suspect the inner child, and have developed a (drunken (sorry people it became too much)) theory as to why: he is trying to protect himself.  Memories of being "fake friended" by others and the resulting hurt means he is deeply distrustful and interprets any affection by another as a precursor to being hurt.  So in that respect he was trying to sabotage my relationships so they wouldn't have a chance to "turn bad" in order to protect me.

Yes rage / anger I am well in touch with.  As a male the emotion is bizarrely encouraged, and I am more than ready to accept that I am incredibly angry about the injustices remembered, and am becoming aware there are more that I do not remember.  I keep getting "flashbulb" type memories of a two faces which I do not recall.  I suspect there maybe something else hiding underneath all which has been uncovered so far which could well be quite terrible.  Whatever it is needs to come out.  I need compassion for the seven year old enough for him to tell me what happened, so that we may grieve the events together...

Actually I've started shivering as I typed the last paragraph, now shaking like a leaf.  Suspect there is more to come (sigh).

Thanks for the compassion, it is very much appreciated.  Please see my "inner child" post from just now - I realised what was making me upset this evening.  So good to hear that some humans do give a * when it feels like no-one else does.

I am well aware that all I'm doing is putting it off for another day, but I just couldn't cope this time.  It's amazing how just as quickly as these feelings start (out of nowhere it seems) they can be instantly "turned off" with (so far) three pints, a large glass of very nice scotch (bit of a waste of scotch TBH) and a spliff.  At least I can actually feel emotion now, so I guess that counts for progress (of sorts).

I was in the middle of trying to sort it out myself, but when I started the attempt at "being healthy" I decided not to be harsh on myself for falling back into old habits as it will be inevitable from time to time.  Have managed to cut down a fair bit though!  The substance abuse is one of my major motivating factors for change - I can hit this * pretty hard, and am well aware that on this course I won't have many years left.

It would be a good plan to shop around for a therapist but I just can't afford it!  I'm being taxed up the *, the rent is sky high round here and society is falling apart at the moment, which has an unfortunate effect of making everything more expensive!

Thanks also for the invitation to continue posting, although I feel shameful that I'm just using you all as "sound boards" to bounce my hurt off.  None of you deserve it - I'm used to being the stoic and supportive one day-to-day, and everyone else on here has the same (or more extreme) struggles they are having to deal with.

This journey is only just beginning but * is it one * of a rough ride!

Does anyone else have a scary inner child?  After "getting in touch" with him again and trying to do things that may make him happy (at least for a moment) he seems to be mostly composed of hate and blind rage.

After making a promise to myself and my inner child to honour and respect his needs and wishes, I have been "accidentally" doing things intended by my subconscious to hurt people.  I've never willingly hurt anyone before (except perhaps myself) but the inner child has a real appetite for destruction.

Two examples so far:  a friend was expecting me over for dinner, but I somehow "forgot" and had absolutely no recollection of the invitation (which was one day previous).  In another incident, I seemingly "misplaced" my tobacco at a party.  I was getting extremely close to hurtfully and aggressively start demanding of people (all friends who have only ever treated me with respect and compassion) "who's taken it" when I thankfully discovered I'd "misplaced" the pouch by putting it into my left pocket instead of the right, which is normally habitual.  This is the only time I can remember that happening, and of course I felt shameful at the way in which I was about to behave.

So it seems that my inner child wants to "strike out" at anyone in the vicinity, including sadly my adult self.

This is surely very confusing - it feels like I've been beaten over the head repeatedly with a blunt heavy object 

So has anyone else experienced nasty spiteful behaviour from their inner child, or am I just a complete wrong'un (local term)?

So it looks like my attempts to "look after myself" a bit better have backfired somewhat.  The less I drink and smoke, the more miserable I seem to get.  I've had one of those days-long-flashbacks which seem to be most of the time.

Without the counterproductive self meds I'll have a day (maybe two if I'm lucky and nothing mildly irritating happens) then will be straight back into a crushing mix of anger, hate, fear and sadness.  Perhaps that is my "natural state" and I'm just born to be a miserable *.

Having allowed emotions back in again it seems there is nothing any good / of any use left in there.  Not enough left to work with.  I'm a *g write off.

I can't cry, and when I do I have no idea what I'm supposed to be remembering.  It feels like I'm just miserable for the sake of it.

The only "progress" made recently is realising that I actually HATE my parents.  Now, those two really did try their best and certainly did a better job than their own folks did.  The only way they failed me was in various subtle ways including infrequent physical violence (for which I have explained to my Mum was, from a child's perspective, an irretrievable breach of trust - explaining that should have made me feel a little easier but it didn't) and a complete lack of emotional connection or support (probably because they don't actually like kids).  But they don't deserve that level of vitriol.

As far as I can tell that does indeed make me a deeply bad person.  I am a complete and utter failure and can't remember a single time I did anyone any good in a meaningful way.  Being upset about how *y I feel isn't going to help.  So with all hope abandoned, I have two choices - either work out whether the door frame is strong enough to hang myself from, or do the only activity I actually seem to enjoy, which is get smashed.  Since getting smashed requires minimal preparation, I'll go for that option.

Got work tomorrow, but I don't care.

Welcome!  I'd definitely agree with Three Roses above that knowledge is power when going though the initial stages of recovery.  But it looks like you have identified the problem so have a decent starting point - wishing you the best of luck in your journey through recovery!

Welcome from me also!

I hear you loud and clear, having recently found the same relief of actually knowing why the occasional "meltdown" happens.  It's certainly good to know that it is caused by an injury rather than some inherent defect, and can be sorted out!  This morning I woke up terrified, but it was comforting to know why, which in turn helped me to face and then dissolve the fear (it had been caused by a dream I was having regarding past events).  Previously I would have spent the day becoming "scared of being scared" (if that makes any sense) until I could no longer function.  So even knowing what's going on can lead to progress.

Like yourself, I have done regular online "search binges" finding various possibilities, however that search can end as CPSTD seems to describe my experiences with 100% accuracy!  Wishing you good luck on your path to recovery.

Noticing I felt "nothing" (most of the time except while in flashback) was my prompt to investigate what was wrong in the first place.  I think it's a form of dissociation.  I remember suppressing all the "bad" feelings for years.  It has had the unfortunate side effect of also repressing everything else, and has become such a reflex it now happens automatically :-(

Really trying to get in touch with my buried self right now...