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Hi

Just wondered if anyone understands what is happening with me at the moment.

My relationship of just under a year is going bad, nothing too dramatic just seems like we are both storing up hurts from each other and not getting over things.

For me its tricky, I need to change to make the other person happy it seems, but I am resistant to being told what to do or how to be. I stubbornly fail to change into the person I apparently should be, I think I'm OK already really.

There's nothing really bad going on, just two people who nearly meet each others needs but who grate against each other over the unmet needs.

Not really in need of advice, it just seems such a shame really.

Been off the venlafaxine for over a week now.

Still a bit dizzy and suffering brain zaps

Stomach is a bit better, nightmares were much worse but seem to be easing. Well, easing back to normal levels, not easing in any teal sense.

Getting emotional, suddenly feeling tearful, have been short tempered too.

And mostly sleepless, normal for me

So, who is still with us?

Had another person trigger my fight response recently, someone pointed out to me I was about to jump on an aggressive guy, I hadn't even noticed I was about to attack. He wasn't aggressive to me directly but I was about to get involved regardless.


Found out today this guy is a really nasty piece of work, animal cruelty, bully, vicious.

I'm now wondering if my fight instinct is actually like a super sense, my automatic senses spot the threat and want to negate it without my having to think consciously.

If I only get triggered by psychopaths maybe its a good thing?

When triggered I need to pin the person on the ground like I used to when I worked in enforcement rather than hurt them. But I know inside that i would use as much force as needed, even if it caused injury to them.

I'm happier alone or with people I trust.

3rd night in a row, this happens when anxiety levels get very high.

The initial insomnia is standard, the EMW fluctuates.

Just reread my 40 + page psych report, its sort of helpful right now to remember how badly affected I am and how bad my history is.

Just ride it out, the anxiety levels off eventually, possibly once I am too exhausted to carry on fretting, not sure.

Just a thought.

When I was younger and healthier emotionally I had lots of friends who were really interesting, dynamic and great to be around.

Now that I am cptsd unwell I seem to have a lot of people around me who are needy, fragile and cause me stress in some way.

Not sure if like attracts like, if I'm too empathic these days so end up being drawn into stuff or what is going on really.

I have changed for the worse over my lifetime, and so have the sorts of people I have as friends or acquaintances.

Not sure if how I see things is accurate, thought I would comment on it to see if it makes any sense.

Just in case anyone else gets fight triggers. Had one Christmas eve, drunken idiot being racist, It wasn't directed at anyone, but it was hateful.

Someone pointed out to me that I was poised to jump on him, I hadn't fully realised I was just about to do exactly that, I was just aware how much I hated what I was hearing.

This out of control feeling is why I don't like to socialise. Not sure what my body will do or if It will get provoked.

Saw this on the internet somewhere and been smiling about it today so thought I would share:

If you love someone set them free.

If you hate someone set them free.

In fact, set everyone free and get yourself a dog.

Had a feeling of internal pressure and dread yesterday, (had some bad news). had a very long sequential epic violent nightmare last night.

The nightmare was similar to others I get when I'm stressed, they are bad and I awake thinking they are real.

I have nightmares every night, I only remember the really bad ones.

I think its due to Christmas. Its a different time of year, it has its own 'special' ability to trigger.

I need to understand I'm extra stressed, I hope everyone here gives themselves some kindness as its a tricky time of year.

I've just read the Pete walker piece.

Up to now I didn't understand what was meant by inner critic.

I now see I do all of those things to myself all the time.

Its sad to realise, but for some reason it made me laugh aloud.....

Another jigsaw piece.

Had a song in my head for a while, hippy 60's song

We are stardust
We are golden
And we have to get ourselves
Back to the garden

That is what recovery is I think.
We are all incredible, we need to recognise that and through recovery get our incredible selves back to the garden (of eden I believe), a place of innocence.

To me it is a hopeful message.

So, to me the lines mean we have value and our journey is to put right what has happened by finding happiness.

Just something I'm puzzled about.

I don't seem to be recovering at all.

Being on here has helped, venlafaxine seems to be helping a little, having a diagnosis was nice.

But otherwise I'm pretty much the same as I was.

Bad memory, short fuse, terrible sleep involving thrashing about and shouting, easily stressed into a variety of different kinds of meltdowns, dissociation, avoidance etc. Etc.

Basically a bit fragile, vulnerable and people notice I am a bit squirrely.

My psych said further talk therapy was pointless as it didn't work for me.

Now what?

If this is as good as I can expect to be then I'm sort of alright with it, but I thought cptsd was treatable.

I think I will need to be safe and live quietly for many Years before my symptoms improve on their own, and I am mid 50's so haven't got decades to spare, especially with the amount I smoke......

I need the grace to accept what I cannot change I guess.

Might try to find a can of that on eBay.

I'm not whinging, most people on here have had it far worse than me, I'm just feeling a little 'is this it?' Today.

And a little bit 'now what?' Too.

Today I am thinking that kindness is going to be key to whatever recovery I will be able to manage.

Kindness to myself (historically not one of my strong points)

Kindness from others (often not recognised, especially by my old self)

Kindness toward others (something I do without noticing it and appreciating it as important)

This forum allows me to be supported and to support myself and others.

I am thinking that kindness is key, that living in an isolated place and living defensively reduces threat but also opportunities to deal in kindness.

My reactions to trauma drive away kindness opportunities.

Is it as straight forward as that? I thought that being safe and time might lead to recovery, but if kindness is key then I need to be more active in my recovery.

I'm going to call it kind fullness, write a self help book and take it on tour, unless I'm talking rubbish.

My psychiatrist sent me a dissociation questionnaire from this site so it must be OK.

Some of the stuff is for psychiatrists so please don't get too carried away with it.

Just wanted to say how much I value this site and especially all you fellow stalwarts.

I used to think I was the only one with a hair raising back story and a lot of worrying symptoms as I hadn't met anyone with cptsd.

Now I see the reason behind my symptoms and have much more understanding of my beleaguered amygdala, all thanks to you guys.

Been thinking about my experience of cptsd and reading a lot on here.

Initially I felt I didn't connect with those who developed cptsd in childhood as their experiences seemed much worse than mine.

I had training, experience and maturity to help me deal with my situation.

Then I saw the similarities and felt connection.

Now I see the subtle differences more as I understand more.

I think that the causes are diverse but the symptoms are very similar.

If people read this who are ex military, ex emergency services or have experienced trauma as an adult and who did not develop cptsd due to abuse from family then can I say that the symptoms are what unifies everyone on here, not the specific causes.

We all have much more in common with each other than with our ex colleagues or other survivors who did not develop cptsd, Even if they directly shared our experiences.

I am an outcast from my old job, colleagues, even country but they can't understand me as I am now anyway, the people on here clearly do.

Just one of my thoughts.

I've read that the first part of recovery is to get yourself to a place of safety.

I mostly did this by moving to a different country. My psych called it a classic avoidance response.

I have some continuing stress from my former life due to a few court cases but I'm much safer than I was.

Now, what strikes me is that many people are still in the middle of whatever caused their cptsd and cannot make themselves safe.

It upsets me to read about situations like that, its like trying to heal a broken leg whilst being forced to play football every day.

Its not fair that people are traumatised, its not fair that some traumatised people cannot get to the basic human right of being safe.

I tend to minimise my experience and I see that here, people are so familiar with trauma that their expectations are very low.

I can't do anything to change this, but I would if I could, its just not right.

Dear all,
I post when I'm in pieces and you offer support.

Right now I am feeling good.

Wanted to share that good news, I am completely affected by cptsd, yesterday was terrible but I'm all right today.

Tomorrow will likely be rubbish but right now is fine.

My life is certainly like a box of chocolates...

Its me rain again, again.....
My girlfriend has decided to continue to let me know about things I do which I was unaware of.
This time it is poor sleep patterns and nightmares.

I have nightmares I remember about fighting for my life or trying to save others but apparently I also suffer from disturbed sleep every night.


Anyone know anything about any of the following?

Shouting out, especially on going to sleep, during nightmares and on waking

Fighting, thrashing and shouting also mumbling grunting during sleep

Not breathing for a while, apnea?

Grinding teeth

Grimacing and holding one arm across face defensively.

No wonder I feel terrible most mornings.

I've read that you can't move during dreams so my thrashing about is something else, I have no memory of it at all.

Seems like I do a lot of stuff I have no memory of.

I'm becoming almost bored by being so obviously traumatised, like my unconscious mind is an annoying acquaintance phoning all the time with more bad news.

lord knows what people who know me think of me, my girlfriend must be a saint to put up with all this nonsense.

I wondered if there might be a place for people to post funny stuff that has happened to them because of cptsd and associated issues.

I seem to often laugh about stuff, it helps to cope.

I'm not saying everyone feels like this but maybe if you are having a bad day reading about other people finding life ridiculous could help.

I have always used (sometimes) dark humour to help me cope.

It contains a sort of optimism and helps make the desperate bearable.