Messages

I feel like I've always suppressed an overwhelming hopelessness in order to survive. I've reached a point where it's hard to suppress anymore. And lately I feel I just don't want to fix it? I know that sounds bad. But I just kind of want to feel my own feeling, I think. I don't want to do self-help, I just want to experience it. Be seen. Talk about it but like...for comradery and empathy's sake but not to be "fixed". I'm not sure if I've ever let myself do that before. I don't have a lot of faith in myself lately, I hope it's not wrong to want to just sit with this overpowering hopelessness. But it's what I feel I should do, in my gut. Just sit with it like it's a friend. Let it be known, let it be normal. Maybe it's human, to feel this way.

I think when I feel lost like this, I default on wanting direction from others. (Which is an unhealthy habit of mine. I have a talent for finding untrustworthy people in that regard.) So trusting my gut when it tells me, basically, "Just wallow in depression I guess" is hard. Idk if allowing myself to feel hopeless = wallowing in depression, though. It feels a little different than that maybe. Almost a refreshing different.

This helped me think a little differently, thanks.

Take care of yourself!

I can't fathom walking through life like that, it feels so unsafe. To just let yourself be yourself, and to like yourself and be comfortable and worthy and happy more often. The world doesn't seem like the kind of place one can safely do that. Do people like... just feel that way? Or do they put on a sort of mental armor as they deal with life outside their "comfort zone" and only be vulnerable when they're safe?

Because I feel like protecting the most vulnerable parts of you is a part of taking care of yourself too? Like a kind of self-worth? A "I am worthy of being protected/shielded" kind of self worth? Idk I'm very confused. I know there's some flaw in my thinking or some part of the situation I don't understand yet.

I feel like there's an aspect to people I can't quite describe? Like a basic worth, a light, a worthiness? It's like a kind of love maybe even. A spark? Idk. I'm so dissociated from mine. When I even get a small inkling for it, it's so incredibly painful. I would almost rather be in a state of shame 24/7. But when I think about "Okay, but what if you were to connect to that feeling? Underneath that pain, it probably feels great. Then maybe you wouldn't have to hate yourself all the time?" it seems unrealistic, how could I possibly deal with the trials of life in such a vulnerable state?

I just hate myself so so so much. I'm overwhelmed by it.

A friend told me sometimes people perceive the state they go into when enduring trauma as a persona, and they hate that persona for being "weak enough" to be hurt or for "letting" the trauma happen. I still have so much hate. I just click into this mode, I feel like I look crazy and act meek and stupid. I hate my hair, I hate my face, I hate my shy posture and how my voice sounds so young and scared sometimes. There's too much hatred to feel it all. I'm so overwhelmed.

I remember feeling this way in the thick of trauma. I still have moments when I feel like all of that trauma was my fault. I ask myself why I let it happen. How could I have been so ...weak, I guess? Weak and embarrassing. I'm still weak and embarrassing. I don't know what my problem is.

TW for hopelessness about recovery. Also TW for suicide ideation - adjacent statements.

I realized I've been harboring a fear for a long time, about how some people seem to be able to face their demons (not that it's easy) and for others it's like you're asking them to drink the whole ocean. My brother is like that, it's like the sum of his experiences, trauma and coping mechanisms is so great he can barely process it. So much of his identity and ability to function- not just as a competent adult but as someone who has any small will to live- is tied up in those thoughts and behaviors and the ability to shut out his trauma.

Or like, my grandmother. She has a rare brain condition. She genuinely can't process emotional stuff sometimes. Or my mother? (Wow I've never written all this out, no wonder I have such a fear  ) My mother gets so completely overwhelmed and unable to process, she can barely handle seemingly small emotions of guilt. It REALLY messes up her life. It's hard to believe she wouldn't fix it if she could, with how extremely she's suffered.

No matter how far I've come, I'm terrified I'll hit a wall one day and find a trauma that's so dissociated, so blocked out, with such enigmatic emotional turmoil that I just won't be able to process it. I'll just have to live with it for the rest of my life. So much of me has become this person who can chart a course through any kind of trauma or hurt even if it's the most petrifying thing I've ever done. I don't know how I would deal with it if I put all these years of work into this just to get stuck and ...not be that person? Essentially.

I'm not sure what started it but just before Christmas I started having emotional flashbacks and more sensitive triggers that I don't understand, which is weird for me at this point. I feel in my gut that some big trauma memory from childhood is trying to re-surface but it's just so blocked. I feel so stuck. I'm having nightmares every night and I'm very scared and very tired. Nothing I usually do seems to put a dent in figuring it out and I think that's bringing these fears out of me.

Update: I didn't realize I was experiencing some inner critic stuff along with this. I think maybe the flashback management wasn't working because it's wasn't only a flashback, and I needed to understand how the inner critic works a bit better and learn how to manage that too.

Still not 100% there but it makes more sense now.

I know this topic is very old, but I saw there were no replies and wanted to say I have DID too, so you're not alone. 

I've used Pete Walker's 13 steps for managing flashbacks to help myself come out of emotional flashbacks before. But the first step is understanding that it's a flashback, it happened in the past, and that things are different and safe now.

With spiritual abuse, I was convinced that this was just... like the way the universe Is? Like, I was made to feel my abuse was part of how the dang fabric of reality is woven. I guess to people who are spiritual or religious, it's like your religion is The Actual Way Of Things, you know? So if it feels like the "unsafe" part is God or The Universe, it's kind of hard to convince myself that things are different and safe now when I'm in an EF because I am indeed still in the universe, you know? It's not gone? I can cut the people out of my life but the belief is still there when I'm flashing back. It's like being claustrophobic of existence itself.

How do you handle that? What do you tell yourself?

Oh, my friend, I know how you feel very much. I wish I had advice, but I'm right there too.

I always feel like there's something wrong with me, or something I could be doing better, because this feeling has drug on so long and surely it should be better by now. And I feel guilty like I'm asking the safe people in my life to have an inhuman amount of patience with me since they've been understanding for so long and I feel like my trust should be like a reward but I'm....withholding that reward from them somehow? I don't know, it's not a good way to think. It hasn't helped, lol.

I'm not sure if it's good advice but I try to tap into the feeling of "safe-ness" or "loved vulnerability". Since those are hard, sometimes I'll just start with the feeling of "content" or "comfortable" since I can feel those by myself where I feel safer. I've found "safe-ness" and "loved vulnerability" are feelings that have other unsafe feelings attached to them and that's why I have such a hard time. "Loved vulnerability" has this extra little feeling like "This is when it would hurt the most if someone hurt you. This is when you're the easiest target. Beware. Be prepared!" The vulnerable feeling triggers it. Which sucks and I feel like that's the sort of thing that needs to be mourned. It's sad in a profound way that my feeling of "loved vulnerability" could be wronged that way. I don't know if that makes those piggy-backing unsafe feelings go away yet though. I haven't gotten that far yet, but I'll get there. We'll both get there.

I'm frustrated to tears! I was doing so well!

I'm back in an old environment with family and it's like... I've made such great progress but here I am again back in the same routine. And I'm fighting it! I'm so confused. I don't know how all of my new tools and coping mechanisms work in this scenario.

I'm used to people who are manipulative in one way or another. I can deal with people who isolate, target all your healthy coping mechanisms and the general daily gears in your life that keep everything turning and functional and try to ruin it all and drag you down. I've been doing really great with building myself a strong little foundation in life for keeping myself stable and my feelings and well-being out of other people's grubby little hands, lol.

Right now I have to be around a family member who is less than healthy to be around but not because she's manipulative. She has developmental problems. She could step on your foot ten times, accidentally, and if you suggest maybe she could be more careful she will completely not understand. She didn't step on your foot to be mean. She's not wrong or bad. Why should she change anything if she's not wrong or bad? It was an accident, that's life, I should forgive her every time.

We're also getting into fights over boundaries about me owning my own stuff and like.... maybe ask me before touching/moving my things. Be nice/respectful with my things if you're handling them. Yes I get to treat them whatever way I want, they're mine. She told me a story the other day about how she liked a picture on someone else's key chain at the store so she just took their keys and started telling them how nice the picture was and was shocked and appalled when the person was upset with her for just grabbing their keys away all of a sudden. She was telling me how surprisingly rude the person was for speaking to her that way.

I don't know what to do! She genuinely doesn't understand when I get upset and then she gets upset and I feel awful. But also, she's not treating me with basic respect and humanity sometimes and when I get upset she gets more upset. Not to out-do me and not because she's angry but because she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand why I'm upset. (After treating me badly!) It's like a CPTSD nightmare. But it's that same old "I don't feel like I'm allowed to genuinely express my feelings when people treat me badly" song and dance for me! Also "I have to forgive this person eternally while they treat me badly because they can't help themselves" song and dance. Part of my emotional well-being and worth has gotten all tangled up in this somehow and I feel wounded. I need to understand what part of this situation is making me feel like she has control over my feelings/situation and untangle it and never give it a chance to tangle again. I don't really feel like I 100% understand it right now and I feel frustrated and hopeless! But I have to fix it.

I intend to do more research myself, but if there is anyone else who could commiserate with me or tell me if they feel the same way I do, I would appreciate that kind of feedback right now.

I'm still on the fence about whether my mother is a covert narcissist or just maybe codependent and manipulative. I had an a-ha moment a minute ago (I've been having lots of those lately) about how I always feel ...just bad around her. And also her parents. I don't feel that way around other people (outside of instances where I'm triggered, but at least I know I'm being triggered) but with family I feel like a harbinger of negativity and judgement. I feel shrill and hateful, because that's the way I seem to effect them. (and I'm pretty sure that's not completely normal, btw? Like maybe my sense of self could be a bit less ....effected by how people react to me? Thoughts?) I feel like I'm always having to express "Hey, please don't step on my foot!" to people who don't want to believe they do, ever, step on anyone's feet and how dare I think or say such an accusation?

But like, I don't know maybe I'm way off base or maybe I'm just angry, but it strikes me what a black and white situation that is, right? My mother is such a "Mother Theresa" mayter-y person. In her mind, she's a Good Person and a Mother. Totally selfless. When she does bad things, total accidents! She always has the best of intentions and probably also poots rainbows. (Selfless rainbows. For others. Probably children. ) She just kind of walks through life never seeing her own fault in anything, maybe feeling like a harbinger of ....jeez I don't know.. motherly kindness and selflessness? And I'm walking through life, at least when I'm around them, feeling like a harbinger of awful, mean antagonizing stuff.

Does this happen every time someone has this sort of ego thing? Could she maybe just suck my soul out through a bendy straw or something? I feel like that would be more efficient. I don't think she's on-purpose making me feel bad to make herself feel good but....actually I had a point but maybe I'm wrong and that does kind of seem to be what's going on here doesn't it? She doesn't want to feel bad, so she makes me feel bad. And then pretends to be "empathetic" or whatever to make herself feel good. She's totally making me feel bad to feel good isn't she?   

Like the title says.
I need to work through some criticism without feeling like I'm just cosmically somehow fundamentally bad. I'm having trouble focusing on the actual, change-able actions and mindsets I should examine without falling into a shame hole. I feel like there are so many shame responses and they're all different, I feel like I'm avoiding land mines.

Does anyone here have any advice?

Maybe this belongs in one of the six major symptoms categories? I wasn't sure.

I'm worried that all my motivation may actually be coming from my family. Not as in they're encouraging but maybe all of my drive is really just survival or anger or both? Anger is probably where most of my drive comes from.

Often, I'll be depressed and in a state of not really doing or caring about anything and the major force that gets me up and running again is that some catastrophic drama is happening in the family, and suddenly I have a fire lit under me to get away or continue whatever I'm working on because I feel like I want to prove I can be better. I've only ever half-heartedly been able to pull myself back up without interference, and even then I don't feel like I accomplish much. It's like I still mope around except I'm trying a little bit to have a lighter mood. Maybe instead of no motivation I have like 15% motivation.

I'm worried that if I can finally get away from everyone I'll just be a big, lazy, depressed mope all the time. Is this a thing for anyone else?

Hi, I'm sorry it's been so long. I wasn't going to reply since the tread is so old, but I read all of your comments and decided to finally look up what covert narcissism is.
I thought I remembered there being a rule on this forum about outside links but I read through the ruled and I didn't see one? Please let me know if I missed it?
I watched this video about it while I was calm and not expecting it to resonate with my experiences
https://youtu.be/2rzvoKbZXZg

I just wanted to come back and thank everyone who said something. That's a game changer for me. If it had been just one person who mentioned
npd along with everything else I wouldn't have thought twice about it but because more than one person mentioned it I looked it up. Just goes to show you that every comment matters even when you're not sure if you're helping! Thanks guys.