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This is maybe a bit weird... I was wondering if anyone else has these sort of nightmares.

I have nightmares almost every night, but they aren't violent. That is, they're so extremely violent that they flip and turn into completely non-violent nightmares. It's as though that's the ultimate cruelty my mind can make up... if that makes sense. In my nightmares my abusers are kind. They're considerate, they treat me humanely, look me in the eye, show concern and empathy. Aaargh... dreadful nightmares. They're so much worse than a violent dream. I mean after all, violence is nothing new. Violence would leave me indifferently thinking "that's it? Waking hours are worse. Pft" instead, my mind keeps showing me imaginary kind versions of my abusers.

I was wondering if you'd ever experienced this too. Though I hope not, they make me shudder.

I remembered something today that I keep thinking about. But it could be pretty triggering, so:

*Triggering*

When I was small I had read a book about the holocaust, and it said in there that sometimes in the ghetto, when jews were hiding and about to be discovered by the german soldiers and their baby cried, they were so terrified of being discovered that they could hurt the baby to keep it quiet. For me, it was such an immense, immeasurable revelation and consolation to read that passage in the book. It was just a story trying to describe a terrible time in history for the purpose of teaching history, but to me it was like a lifeline. I kept returning to the library to read that passage over and over. It was like medicine. I kept thinking "oh, so it happened to others. So what happens to me really exists. I'm not the only one. It's a real thing."

*End of triggering stuff*

What a weird, twisted thing to be consoled by. Like the darkest things felt safe, whereas happiness feels unsafe.

Does anyone else feel this way? Did you ever find comfort in horror stories as a child?

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
And thanks for keeping them so safe and cautious, with such clear boundaries.
Amazingly good work, and so so so meaningful to me. I have no doubt it is to others too.

Hi,

Urm, so... has anyone else here felt much, much, much worse once you started seriously reading about c-ptsd?

At first it was a huge relief to know what's going on inside my head and why I've been so tortured. But now it's like I just have more and more flashbacks.

To be honest part of it is because I have to live with one of my past abusers. So I have no place to truly be completely safe. But... I've lived with them till now and it hasn't been quite this bad.

Just wondering if you did anything that helped. If it's a temporary thing, awareness feeling awful but then getting better (please say yes!!!), I feel like I'm drowning in emotional pain. It takes me forever to calm my body and mind down from one long loop of flashbacks, then another begins the second I look away and dare to do something else. It's exhausting.

I don't think I can afford therapy so that's not a realistic option right now.

Thanks

Hi, I'm new here too. Thanks a million for these forums.

I'm not sure what I can write about myself that won't seem unbelievable... though I bet you'll know what that feels like. I had sadistic psychopaths for a family and the atrocious violence I suffered in childhood continues in adult life. At every turn I managed to find the local psychopath and the abuse continued at home, in the family, at work, getting worse and worse. There are no words to describe how violently I'm treated on a regular basis by an unending supply of psychopaths and happily obliging flying monkeys. Even though I've gone no contact with everyone I possibly could, there are some who simply stalk me and keep attacking, even now. They've openly told me they'll keep going after me for life, that they consider it their life's mission to make sure I'm hated and attacked by everyone and everywhere.

It's tiring... I work on myself a bit and then Wham! a new attack arrives and I fall back again. No rest.

Just started reading about psychopaths recently and the term "emotional flashback" was like a shock. I started reading about c-ptsd and was speechless... I had no idea. I just naturally assumed it was me, of course! That everyone in the world is lovable but me, with whatever inherent flaw and evilness that I obviously have deep inside me. I keep reading and thinking but I can't say I stopped believing in my own horribleness. It's so ingrained and the continuing abuse is a relentless deepening of the whole thing.

I wish I could believe there was a life after abuse but for me, I think there isn't. I'm no longer able to move away or change my life to rebuild it around normal relationships. Too many things that are totally beyond my control make it impossible, health and finances 'etc. 'etc. I now see much more clearly the habits I had and how I wasn't good at setting boundaries or looking after myself in the past, but it's too late to build an abuse-free life. Hopefully it's not too late for others.

Sorry I don't have much optimism to share today.

I wish no one else had to go through this, though reading about it I know many people do. I wish evil people came with a big fat warning sign that said "Beware, dangerous lizard-brain ahead! Run and don't look back!"

Sigh.
So in short, thanks for setting up these forums...