Messages

[I've done it many times before]

I'll do something a little different for this entry. I still have yet to find the strength to talk about a specific event in my life. But I feel like I will need to say it one day to finally feel at peace. But even though I struggle to talk about it, I want to talk about it. I want to spill out my heart but it hurts when I try. So for this I'll try something else. I have a fictional character who I realized has a similar story to my own. Not exactly, not the same place, not the same people. But the feelings and emotions are very much the same. So instead of sharing my story, I'll share his. And everything in bold will directly correlate to how I feel in my own story.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation

"It was almost just a normal day, I've done it many times before. Light a lantern and peer inside, let it sit on my desk and watch the flames. I adored the way it shined, flickered, and danced. Although this time, it was slightly different. Instead of just letting it perform its well-rehearsed routine, lighting the interior of my room, I wanted to make it better. I wanted to make this lantern efficient, I wanted to make it shine brighter. I'd never done something like that before, I thought it would be easy to try - I did the research, I planned it out. I tried to move pieces of the lantern, tried to rearrange its shape. But why? Well it was to be a gift to my parents, my carers. I adored them so much, I thought they'd deserve a present - something specially from me. I wanted to see their happy faces, I wanted to please them. All I wanted, was to make them happy.
I worked so hard, I thought nothing could go wrong. I was almost done, almost there. I was one step close to getting the finished result, the thing I craved the most. But then, I don't know what happened. Something went wrong. The fire inside leapt out of its cage, set the desk alight and soon the curtains. It happened so fast, I didn't know what to do or how to stop it. I didn't have any water with me, why didn't I think of that? How stupid was I! So what could I do? I ran downstairs, finding my mother and clutching onto her dress. I cried; "I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't mean to!" and she asked me what was wrong, what had happened. She was bewildered and confused, begging to understand. Then she saw the smoke, hanging below the ceiling and looming from the floor above. She rushed outside to retrieve her husband and my sister, she urged me to follow. She knew the house was on fire, and there was nothing we could do. It had spread too far, the damage had been done. I watched as they paced around, retrieving their prized belongings and then escaping outside onto the front lawn. I stood in the foyer, I couldn't move. Was this happening, was it real? Or maybe it was all a nightmare. It couldn't be... but I wish it was.
I saw the look on their faces. Not happiness. It was sadness, it was fear. What had I done? All I wanted was to make them happy. That's all I wanted. And I messed up. I messed up so bad. I felt guilt, guilt deep in my heart and I couldn't move. I heard their cries "Please, come out here". But I didn't. I thought, why should I? Why should I save myself when I'd caused them pain? So I stayed inside, even when the roof collapsed over my head and I suffocated. I woke up who knows when, but I still felt pain, emotional agony. I wanted to die, why didn't I die? I'm so sorry for what I've done. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused.
All I wanted was happiness."

"That is normal. Everyone feels like that"

Geez, I got this a lot too. :\ For both physical and mental problems.

"You're my princess" "this is all you are good for" "you're my favorite helper" "stop crying, no one cares"

Etc... just to show the back and forth of all of my abusers

Wow, Elphanigh. How frustrating that must have been...

@Ah: My goodness, what harshness! I'm horrified, honestly.  How dare they say such things about you.

@Woodsgnome:

Which was never good enough anyway--the message was don't even try, you won't be believed, any of your feelings are invalid.

I really understand this. I very much had the same feeling growing up, to not even want to try because nobody cared and I was worthless.
Thanks for sharing all this though. I feel for you. ^^

My own addition:
Whenever my FOO asked me to do something but I was feeling ill, I would tell them that I wasn't feeling the best and 95% of the time they responded with;
"Doesn't matter, stop making up excuses and do what you're told."
I want to one day be sick and be allowed to rest in bed... that would be nice. I swear, most of the time I felt like their personal slave rather than their child.

I think you have a lot of anxiety and "fear" of rejection, "fear" of doing something you know may infuriate other people, f.e. defending yourself, not agreeing...maybe you're numb and you don't know it (it happened to me). Anyway, I wish you luck with your recovery!

Oh goodness yes. :S I fear annoying other people or doing anything that may negatively impact someone. I'm still trying to get over this though and realise that sometimes people will get hurt no matter what I do and that's just how it is.

my latest ef was with something my t said that felt like being scolded or told i was wrong.  it is so rapid that our emotions get hi-jacked back to a childhood experience and we're in an ef without even realizing it.  like you, i was able to figure out the source, and the next time i talked with my t, i told her about it.  in essence, i did the same as you - stuck up for my boundaries.

it does take practice and awareness.  in a way, we can use ef's to accomplish both if we're able to do so.  they're so debilitating when we're in the midst of them.  i don't think we have to get angry at ourselves for having them tho - it's a hi-jacking that's going on, beyond our control.

big hug to you, a.a., filled with compassion and love.

Thanks San. ^^ The reply is much appreciated. Sorry you had that EF with your T.
I wish I could be able to tell when exactly I'm having an EF, I only realise I've had an EF much later when I'm back to my senses and able to think clearly.

Something else to consider, if you just nodded your head and agreed with manager, allowing the customer's lie to stand, then the manager would most likely assume it was true. It was good for you to defend yourself and the truth, which is you didn't refuse the customer's wishes. Even the cashier can back you up on that, or the ones working next to you.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. Well done. 

Thanks Andy. It means a lot! And you're right, it was best for me that I defended myself.

You moderators do such a good job of helping run the place, so I just wanted to say good job! 
But I shall aim to be more involved in helping you guys out! Would love to.

So this was just a curious thought of mine - that is COMPLETELY non-compulsory by the way, you can take part or not if you'd like. But I see a lot of people afraid they're alone here because of their age, they may believe they're too old or too young? Well I know for certain there's people here of all ages and I'm interested to see exactly which ones are more prominent and also hope that the poll will encourage others to speak up and feel less alone. CPTSD affects people of all ages, I believe. And it's a good thing to remember.

To the mods, if this poll is a little too personal or intrusive or whatever, feel free to remove it. Haha, or move the topic if it's in the wrong place. My curious desire for statistics can get the better of me sometimes.

As San said, I don't think 'accepting something' means you're downplaying what you've went through in any way. In fact, accepting it means you're even more aware of what's happened, and that you're ready to do whatever you can to heal. 'Accept' means a lot of things, and one of those meanings is to kind of take something, or as you said 'tolerate it', 'bear with it'. But of course, why would we ever want to willingly take and tolerate our abuse? Well the definition there is different, with trauma - accepting is more like "Understanding and believing what you went through".

1. I'm binge watching an action show. It's so exciting! Haha.
2. I got to have a good laugh with a friend by making a joke about how chicken is the answer to life and created a guide on the "Refined Art of Eating Chicken".
3. I get to read my books recently. The novel "The Kitchen God's Wife", a systems thinking textbook and a book about money. I don't know why I suddenly have the urge to read money when I have no use for it — Eh, I don't know — I read from every part of the bookstore.

Wonderful to hear, Decimal. It's nice that you have all these positive distractions.

I'm going to try this here to keep myself accountable. Here goes:

1. I created an account here to participate after lurking forever
2. My dog is sleeping next to me and just sighed contentedly
3. I unloaded the dishwasher

Welcome! Well done on the chores there, even the most simple of tasks can feel like such an effort.

#1. I had a customer today pitch in a good word to my manager about me. I'm apparently quite friendly so, that's nice.
#2. I just feel thankful that painkillers exist. lol I hate being bedridden and not being able to do anything, but the painkillers make it possible for me to be productive!
#3. It feels nice to be back on the forum. Last time I think I was feeling a bit pressured to try and read every single new post on the forum but I'm starting to realise that's a lot of reading! So I'm going to try and take it all a bit more easy and not turn this into some kind of chore like I do with a lot of things. lol

This is a huge sensitive topic for me as well. Though I'm slightly comforted reading all ya'll posts about this, makes me feel less alone.
TRIGGER WARNING
Whenever I needed 'to be punished', it wasn't just a one hit thing, it was over and over and there was always that moment when my FOO would say; "We don't want to do this". SO WHY DO IT!? I firmly believe you can educate your children without the need for physical abuse, and I think that you're incapable of being a good parent if you have to resort to violence. That's just my opinion though, probably a biased one.
I don't exactly remember when the hitting stopped but even when it stopped, I was afraid. People would raise their hand, and that alone would cause me to flinch. I couldn't ever get close to my FOO in fear they would hit me. I would avoid passing them in the hallway at all costs because being so close to them would cause me to feel fear. It really messes you up. But I think with time I've finally stopped flinching automatically at least. And now I suddenly remember getting slapped on my hands, how I forgot that fact I don't know but interesting that it's just come up now.

I play games a lot, mainly because when I'm playing a fictional character, it seems that their problems are so much easier to fix than my own - and fixing their problems makes me feel satisfied and accomplished in some way. So I enjoy strategy games, roleplaying games, things that engross me and let me ignore the outside world.

This is a cute idea. I tend to laugh at a lot of things, including my own pain. I hit my knee against my desk the other day and it hurt a bunch but I was laughing because it was so ridiculous that out of all the places I could move my leg, it just so happened to move to where my desk was. I laugh at my CPTSD issues too though, the bad memory, conflicting thoughts, the random mood swings, and just being sensitive to a lot of strangely specific things. Also I take pleasure in telling people all the creepy nightmares I have as a result of my CPTSD and their cringing is hilarious to me. 

My fictional character I've made has a habit of nervously laughing and it's adorable.  When I think of nervous laughter, I think of him, and it's a nice little get-away from whatever is going on around me IRL. Also, laughter is medicine. Can't cure everything no, but it's nice and fun.

Well said Rainagain. That's how I feel about it all pretty much as well. It's not the causes but the symptoms that unify us. Just a mutual understanding of the pain and the fear that lets us speak and cope.

Wow this is a lot of replies.  Thank you guys so much. The support really means a lot! I won't reply directly to everyone, just kinda make an overall reply so it'll be less text to read. But I do want you all to know that I really do appreciate it.

In regards to the house renting:
I was talking to a friend about it and I think that when you do get your own place you're put on a kind of list, and in some places you can request that your details aren't shown publicly but that's something I'll have to research up on. It could be something to ask the police about.
I wish I could take a friend with me to go house hunting but I don't have any friends close by. lol But I know the basic stuff I need to look out for like... Is it close to a Bus route? Is it close to work? Is it close to a supermarket? Stuff like that.

In regards to talking to the police:
I'm sure my FOO would enjoy making up some story to the police about how "she's not independent enough!" or "she can't take care of herself!" when in reality that's what I've been doing for the past 18 years.  So yeah, I think it's a good idea to talk to the police first before they have a chance to have their minds swayed by my FOO.
I should try and see about contacting the police before all this other stuff goes down, I'm not sure which is the best way or who to talk to specifically though. Phone call? Walk in and ask to speak to someone? I don't know. I'll figure it out.

In regards to the letter:
I think, as much as I'd like to be able to have my last few words to my FOO brutally honest and harsh, that would just fuel the fire. And I think kinda falsely praising them is a good idea and will really help to keep them off my back, my FOO loves compliments... so that's a really good idea. But also just keeping it short and lacking information is a good call as well. I'll have to have a read through of some of the other letters that people have written. Thanks for the links and referrals to all those.

In regards to the name change:
My surname is apparently ranked in like, the top 3,000 most popular surnames. So I'd reckon it's fairly okay to keep it? I would change it if I had a surname in mind but I don't. Took me so long to just figure out a new first name, let alone a new surname. And I have met a few strangers who share the same last name.
From what I've read up, you need to state a reason for a name change because the government doesn't want you to get away with fraud or whatever. Which is fair enough. The general rules also state that it's preferable you provide evidence for whatever reason you have - which is why I'm thinking I could get the letter off my therapist in support of my name change.
lol I wish I could share my new first name here because I really adore it and all my close friends I've told really like it as well. But for obvious privacy reasons I can't share it here. Unfortunately. But it's a really nice name and all my friends are in support of me changing my name which was really reassuring and supportive to hear.

I'm really sure about this No Contact thing, changing my identity and becoming my own person. It'll probably be one of the bigger things I'll do in my life, such a feat. I think to myself, what exactly I'd be leaving behind. My family of course, my old school friends. But I've had to hide so much from them, just in fear of being abused. The person they knew all along was a mere mask. So this new name, new identity, would be like taking off that mask, and finally being able to breathe, finally being able to express who I really am. I'll be able to share my own sense of humour, my own ideas and motives. So yeah, I'm really excited.

Thanks again for all the replies. Sorry if I've missed anything! I'll add more if I need to later. ^-^

I personally like the 'complex' part quite a bit. It's like a little reminder to myself that I'm a complex human being with a complex past, and it's okay that everything feels complex because it is! 

Yay Aphotic Atramentous  and it's nice to see you back.  Even if being away for a while was probably really good too, and I'm also happy for all the people like you who manage to get on with their real lives without checking in here daily.

Thanks Blueberry. Nice to talk to ya'll again too.