Messages

Hi fullofsoundandfury.

Hoping very much that you are keeping up with the meals.  You're right about meals like soup, very straightforward,  and that's what I had for lunch yesterday as well!!  Quite enjoyed it!

The Pete Walker book is excellent.   Quite early on he basically says that it is almost impossible for people from dysfunctional families /with c-ptsd not to have some form of disordered eating.  Great validation. As I read on I came to realise that I had probably been in a regression for the past two weeks hence the extra triggering around food.   I have felt so awful for these weeks but being able to explain it as an extended EF makes so much sense.  Firstly it was my birthday which I find difficult to cope with.  Then it was the fact that my husband was on leave from work.  Holidays of any kind were so upsetting and stressful as a child due to my awful parents.   I don't remember any of my birthdays but remember all to well the absolute horror of family holidays. Everything my foo did revolved around food /how amazingly nurturing my nm was. It's so good to be able to understand what I have been experiencing for the last couple of weeks.
Talking here and putting that together with the book has been so helpful.   Thank you so much. I am feeling quite a bit better now.

Please keep up the good work of looking after yourself with these simple meals. We can do this!

Libby.

Yes, Slim.  I know exactly what you mean about feeling that life is irrelevant.   I think I have tended to use the word pointless. For several weeks I just can't be bothered to do much at all.  Lack of motivation and total exhaustion,  followed by feelings of guilt and shame at not doing anything useful.

I was particularly interested that you mentioned aged 4 as the start point for these feelings.   I know I have felt like this since I started school and I know that was when I was four.  I had a childhood of being told I just didn't try hard enough to be happy.   

I know that all of my feelings of hopelessness spring from my parents physical and especially emotional abuse and have started to read the Pete Walker book just today.   I am impressed so far so hope I may find help towards giving my life more meaning. I am also going on a trip to Switzerland with my daughter next month,  just to keep her company while she does something connected to her studies.   As I never go on holiday and see most activities as just a way to kill time, this will be a big deal for me.   

There is absolutely no shame in these feelings and yes, it's so good to share with people who truly understand.

Best wishes,

Libby

It was great to hear that you were able to decide on a sandwich and eat it,  with a bit of enjoyment.  I really hope this continues.

Thank you for starting this thread. It has made me look more closely at my food issues.   I think you are right that it is not just about food,  it's about existence.

Reading your last post made me realise that it is not really food and eating. You are so right. It is the fact that every meal  sets off emotional flashbacks for me as well.  Then the inner critic (the voice of nm) joins in and I immediately start to doubt my food choice and consequently just can't enjoy it. I have really struggled for the past two weeks as my husband has been on annual leave and I have felt so much food anxiety from eating to fit in with him.   Perhaps I will start to feel a bit better now he is out at work all day and I will make the evening meal.

I am about to start reading the Pete Walker book so I will have in mind how useful it has been to you. 

Here's to the goal of a bit more pleasure in food!

Libby.

Hi overcaffeinated.

I can really relate to your story.   It is so odd to think,  yes, I have a good life, good marriage,  lovely children,  but still not feel happy and complete.

You say that you are starting to look at your relationship with your mother,  whilst feeling depressed and unable to trust.   It does sound as if the two things could be linked.  For a long time I put my problems down to coping with three young children,  including twins with disabilities.   But even when this all improved,  I didn't and that's when I started to see all the damage my relationship with my nm had done to me. I am very new to c-ptsd but it always seems to be about layers of trauma, piling up until you can no longer function.  That was certainly the case for me.

I am in awe of the way you and others here manage to work and I hope everyone here can help you through this next part of your healing.

Best wishes,

Libby

This is so interesting ,  alchemist.  I think you have raised something that has maybe been overlooked.

I suffered from terrible PMS and period pain from the age of 11.  My nm did too and every month she would say that I had behaved especially badly because I knew she was pre-menstrual (I was five or six and knew nothing of these things when she started saying this) and so she would be extra mean and punish me even more. 

Right from the start I had awful period pain and looking back,  I probably had PMS from early on but became more aware as the years went by.  It certainly always mingled in with my depression.

After having my children,  both very traumatic births, I started experiencing what felt like PMS and pain, not associated with the actual cycle.  It seemed to last longer each month until there was no relief from it. Sounds like the feelings overcaffeinated describes. Hormones helped but not completely.   Looking back, I think this was all a symptom of my abusive relationship with nm and therefore depression /c-ptsd.  It was the first way the pain of my abuse showed itself in my body.   This went on for years and more types of pain were added on top (leg, shoulder, hip, back, digestive,  jaw) .   

It was all around the same time that I stood up to my parents and we went nc with each other,  that I stopped the hormone pills and found that I must have been through the menopause (a bit early at 45/46years) so never any more PMS.  Still have some of the associated pain feelings, in amongst all the other pain but so much better overall.  Can it all be a coincidence?

I don't know if this is a bit off topic,  but I can see now how big an issue menstruation was in my FOO.  For example,  my EF moaned constantly about the cost of sanitary products for a wife and two daughters.  I had to go to a local shop, with a note,  to buy sanitary towels for mother from a very young age.  It was all surrounded in secrecy,  with the product wrapped in brown paper.   I wasn't given an explanation but it all felt very wrong. There were other things but I think the worst was nm spending what seemed like hours,  trying to force tampons into me so that I could go swimming.  I hated swimming anyway,  but this was for a regular social event with another family and she was not going to let me spoil her evening.   By the way,  she never,  ever went swimming!   I have never told anyone about this,  but have wanted to as it felt so wrong so please forgive me rambling on.

Thanks for a really interesting thread that has provoked a lot of thought for me.

Libby

Hi combine59.

It seems as if we have followed a similar path here.   I had been nc with foo for about four years (actually it was more their decision,  when I stood up to them) when I found the OOTF website.   It really helped, but I felt that there was still so much emotional pain,  that felt so physical at the same time,  that I started to look at c-ptsd and came here.  I know just what you mean when you talk of the aching and heaviness and how hard it is to put into words. It's an awful feeling but reading here has helped me see these feelings as emotional flashbacks.   Just understanding more about my feelings has really helped.   I hope you find this too.

It's interesting that you mention movies. I realised that I avoid them and prefer more factual,  real life based programmes.  I find I just don't have the energy or capacity or commitment for a movie.   Perhaps this is a reflection of c-ptsd?   Having said that,  I am gripped by anything that deals with power and abuse where the abuser is found out and dealt with.   It doesn't take an expert in trauma to work that one out!!

I have a good FOC,  but no one to talk to who really understands. (My dd does, but I don't want to burden her too much). So it is so good to read and talk here.  I hope it helps you as well.

Best wishes

Libby.

Thank you so much for this thread.  It has suddenly helped me realise what has been going on with me for so many years. I realised that the absolute worse episodes of my adult life have been precipitated by major life stresses - two house moves, many years apart,  trying to return to work after many years and my daughter leaving home for college for the first time.   I fell apart for months and months on each occasion and looking back,  it feels that each time I crumbled, I never made up that ground, never fully got back to where I was before,  so the trauma was cumulative.   Am I right in thinking that this is a feature of c-ptsd? 

I have realised as well that these are all times when I reached out for the love and support of my parents but never got it.  No surprise there, I had never had love and support from them.  But what happened on each occasion,  is that my nm stepped up the sheer nastiness to new levels, just to make sure I really, really suffered.   And I did!  It makes so much sense to me to see these episodes as really severe,  long-lasting emotional flashbacks. I was made to feel young and unable to cope,  unloved and unsupported,  just as I had been all of my life with my parents.   

What also occurs to me, that seems to support this, is that when my children need support,  I am perfectly calm and composed and able to deal with things.  My daughter has had house moving issues and I have been able to support her practically and emotionally.  My son had autistic meltdowns and again I can deal with them and help him through them.

Thanks again for the insight and the opportunity to organise my thoughts.  I really think that understanding things makes them a bit more bearable.

Best wishes.

Libby.

Hi fosaf.

This is a very interesting post.  Like you I am new to the idea of c-ptsd,  but I have always had issues around food.   Not a full blown eating disorder,  more anxiety about food.

I am in the process of reading The Body Keeps the Score,  which definitely links trauma to eating issues.

I have always been aware that my food was a big issue for me.  My nm has always told me how difficult I was with feeding.   Even at five weeks old, she said I deliberately brought back my feed to spoil her evening out.   She believed she was an amazing cook so any refusal to eat by me was seen as a personal affront to her.  I was small compared to parents and sister but was expected to eat as much as them and was punished if I did not.  Food was thrown if nm was angry.  Eating out was *,  because I had to be grateful for the meal but not enjoy it too much or else nm would be angry that I liked other food better than her food. Food was absolutely used to control.  If I said I was hungry,  nm would say something like "you can't be because I'm not"  or if I said I was full, I was told to eat up because the rest of the family were still hungry.   Consequently,  I still don't know if I am hungry or not.  I feel sick a lot of the time.  I panic if I feel obliged to eat.  I panic if there is too much food - can't bear the sight of a buffet.  I panic that I might be hungry but not allowed to eat.   I worry that food will make me ill. I could go on but you get the picture!

This c-ptsd is so diverse in its manifestations,  but for me the whole food issue comes down to my relationship with my mother.  She had had an unhappy childhood with a depressed mother. It was almost as if she chose narcissism to save her from the family curse of depression. She saw herself as perfect wife and mother so cooking was a big part of self image.  She controlled every one through food,  but as I never felt any love or care from her, and was absolutely her scapegoat,  it affected me deeply.  I am doing so much better for having gained some insight into the roots of my problems, and it seems that you are at a similar stage so well done.

I relate so much to what you say about lack of trust,  avoidance,  toxic shame. There are so many layers of hurt to deal with, which seep into every aspect of our existence.

Reading the book I mentioned earlier is really helping to validate my experiences, including my issues around food. Just understanding where it all comes from stops some of the self blame and self loathing.   

I am probably at a similar stage to you so I don't have a lot of advice.  It's so good,  however,  to share experiences.  Thank you for the opportunity.  I would be really interested to hear more about your thoughts and progress and I hope you find answers to your questions.

Warm wishes to you.

Libby.

Such an important topic. Trust in all types of relationships is certainly at the root of a lot of my problems.   I really cannot trust anybody outside of my husband and children.   Even then,  I feel it is only really my daughter that truly understands me.

It seems that every interaction,  with anybody,  however limited,  leads me to trust even less.  For example,  just within the last couple of days,  my in-laws who I trusted just a bit chose to consider someone else's feelings over mine, so I have lost trust in them.  A doctor prescribed a tricyclic antidepressant on top of my current AD which all sources including my neuroscientist dd says is absolutely not right and potentially dangerous.  I enquired politely to my neighbour if she had enjoyed her recent family party.  She started to tell me all about it until another neighbour arrived at which point she ignored me completely.  I said goodbye,  but she didn't even notice.

When I write these things down they seem quite petty,  but they all just go on my list of why people can't be trusted. It's so long now with so many examples that I really don't want to interact with anybody for any reason.

I remember in CBT that it is said that depressed /traumatised people have negative biases and just don't see the positive. Consequently I look out for this, and I do see good sometimes.  But in reality,  I just can't get over the feeling that most people aren't to be trusted. 

To me, the biggest question is whether people who haven't been traumatised by their past ( in my case, from the day of my birth, by a very damaged, cruel mother),  just get treated better in all of their interactions or whether they simply don't notice anything negative. I don't really know why this bothers me so much.  I suppose I am just questioning whether I am the cause of all the negativity I experience, thanks to the damage my nm did to me.  As usual,  everything leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless. 

Thank goodness for my family and my dog and this forum. 

Thanks for listening.

Libby.

Hello hedafed.

So good to 'meet' you.  You summed things up so well - feeling crazy and alone, and that it would be better to just not be here.  Exactly how I feel every day.  I'm new here too,  but reading the experiences here is starting to help get a grip on my situation.  My relationship with my parents was so damaging that I am still suffering from the depression and physical symptoms after years of no contact.

All the best to you.

Libby

Hello purplegiraffe.

My heart goes out to you.  I understand so well the terrible damage that childhood abuse and emotional neglect does cause.  I am constantly shocked that doctors and other health workers seem to refuse to accept this and just brush it aside.  I just don't understand it.

I am new to this forum so I just wanted to say that I really feel for you.  Please just look after yourself and don't give up on asking for the help that you clearly need. Working whilst feeling so fragile and exhausted is just too much to bear,  I know.

Please take care and keep in touch with everyone here.

Libby

Yes, candid.  I am in the over 50 age group and believe my trauma began before I was born, due to my mother's family history and damage to her.  She would never admit it,  but I really think I am right.   Is there something particular about our parents generation that had led to so much pain?

Katie- I am new to the concept of c-ptsd but am not sure when the damage first manifested.  Perhaps I will be able to pin point it as I learn more. An interesting question,  though.

Libby.

Hi everyone.

All the talk of hair salons has given me the perfect opportunity to ask people's opinions on something I have always wondered about.  Like kat, I hated hair cuts because I always had to have a boys haircut,  which combined with the boyish clothes they chose and a boyish shortened form of my name, I really felt like a boy.  This explained a lot of my hatred of hair salons.

But here is my query.  Nm often told the story of how when I was a year old, she tried to cut my hair herself and made a real mess of it. From knowing her so well,  I know she would have been raging and upset and probably angry with me.  I was rushed to a hair salon as soon as father came home from work.  Could her extreme stress have affected the one year old me and set me up for a lifetime of stress in this area of life.  There were lots of other stories of my very early years which also follow this pattern so I do wonder if I am not making too much of it.

Libby

Hi sanmagic.

Thanks for validating how I felt about the situation with my mother and DD.  I thought I was just reading too much into the situation and sort of making it all about me.  I was thinking that surely my mother isn't that clever and devious. But that led me to realise that she repeated a lot of the exact same controlling and shaming behaviours on my DD as she did on me, like criticising her clothes,  making her feel guilty for her choices, so it's not a question of cleverness - it's just who she is.

Thank you again.

Libby.

Hi everyone.

As I am still very new to the topic of c-ptsd, am I right in thinking that the inability to cry is often a feature of the trauma?   I realised that I haven't cried for as long as I can remember.   I thought it may be due to anti-depressants, sort of numbing emotions,  but your comments have made me question this. I would love a really good cry and think I would feel so much better for it.

Thanks for listening.

Libby.