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I can say that my instinct was to figure out my abusive father. It didn't harm me, it helped me understand how and why.

I was the scapegoat because I was strong, I was the only one who could stand up to him and above all *gasp* I was a woman. How dare I?

Although it is my mother who is the issue this resonated with me. I was the one who questioned and stood up to her even if it just got me the description 'difficult'.

Since having children and learning something about infants as well as my mother's history other things fell into place. My mother did not look after my older sibling, she was hospitalised with mental health issues and family members stepped in. When she had 'recovered' her child was a year old, and probably sleeping through the night, maybe even talking. She wasn't supposed to have more children because she hadn't coped with the first. But have me she did. As I learnt, second time around every one assumes you know how to look after a baby, but I doubt my mother did, she didn't have the instinct for it, which was apparent when she was with my first born. Neither did I, but I learnt fast. It is hard, a steep learning curve.  So, I wasn't the well behaved baby that she got 1st time around, I was difficult. Her first child was 'compliant', I wasn't.

My mother was also adept at using her illness. That may sound harsh but I saw it used to effect when she wanted something to happen. If you didn't do what she wanted after a normal request she would use her phobias to make you, she would not be reasoned with. My father had tried everything, nothing madea difference so hehad given up. she told him lies, and he believed it all.

now I am NC and then profess not to have any idea why. me being difficult again.

The Scapegoat, the Black Sheep, that was the first role I read about, it made so much sense. I was always the one to ask questions, point out inconsistencies

Even now people notice that I ask questions, whether it is the Q no one dared ask, or the one no one wants to answer. But, if I dared, I would do it more.

I also put the Invisible Child, because I could disappear for hours with a book, a daydream. I seem to be invisible to some people, they just do not see me, or hear me. I am adept at blending into the background, mainly to escape the attention of anyone, whether it is positive or negative attention, I cannot cope with attention, and yet, sometimes I crave attention, to get my plight noticed, to get my Q answered. For someone to validate me, instead of just telling me I am difficult, or make them uncomfortable.

I did worry that I might be like my mother, but I had already done some work on myself and I was clear I did not want my mother looking after my children.

I do still feel guilty that I may have damaged my son, my first born, I have learnt so much since having him. It was when my mother used him to justify her own behaviour that I went vocal and no and I haven't looked back.

Sometimes my kids ask their dad why they don't see my parents but we are very honest with them. Had to be honest with them last week, I had an IBS attack after some manipulation from my sister. They know my family is nuts.

And, best of all, they seem to prefer to have me as their mum than any other mums that they know.

The thing that was hardest, with my first born was that I did not know anything. When I did some training to be a counsellor I looked at infant development. Other people said how they instinctively knew how to look after their child. Nope, not a clue here, probably because I didn't have that instinctive care. I was the youngest child, but my mother had been hospitalised when my sister was born, she didn't care for her, her mother did. She hadn't got a clue when I came along either, and, with the second, everyone assumes you know what you are doing.

I guess, everyone here is aware of the damage that can be done, so, if you don't want kids, don't. However, awareness does make it less likely that you repeat what happened to you, you just make different mistakes.

My kids, (14, 11) are wonderful, annoying, bright, cheeky, I am honest with them. I would not be without them.

Like I am being shouted at by a very angry person but I have disappeared so far inside myself I can't hear the words, I am just waiting for the storm to pass, or for me to die so it will end. Aching from the tension. Hot, flushed, shame, dread of what might happen next. Incapable of speaking or thinking. Or, more recently I cried, was completely unable to stop.

Or, if I have to ask for something, meek and shy, hardly able to meet the other person's eyes. Hot and embarrassed.

Having to ask someone for something, especially if they seem to have more authority than me
Feeling I have done something wrong
Feeling I have upset someone
When someone is angry, annoyed, frustrated....leads to the above feelings.
When I am misunderstood
People messing about, being silly, I just don't know how to behave
People ignoring me
Rage towards a child
Too much happening at once
The thought of seeing my mother

I will probably think of more. My counsellor asked about asking for help today and I said it triggers me.
How does this help? Having shown her the NHS information about C-PTSD which is added on to PTSD she says it is as if I am in a cage, but the door has been opened, I just don't know what to do about it.

Sorry Dee, I don't know anything about anorexia. I was around 8-9 stone so a pretty normal weight. My mother had done cookery courses so she seems to think she knows everything about nutrition although, she tried to make me drink milk when eating iron rich foods when I was pregnant and milk actually prevents iron absorption if drunk just before or after eating iron rich foods.

Hard to say if nutrition was involved, everything else seemed fine, I did still have periods, just not every month. What I ate didn't really change when I left home, I still cooked the things I was used to.

Hi Dee, I've never been anorexic, thin yes, but I always ate unless really upset and even then hunger would not let me go without food for long. I think my skinnyness was more to do with anxiety, as soon as I started taking ADs I put on a stone in weight and am now a 'normal' weight.

Hi Kat, how can there be no effect? I have no idea if my sister has health issues but she has more of a split personality. She was more GC whereas I was SG, and, outside of the FOO seemed to do whatever she wanted. The 2 parts of her life did not meet.

Thanks for responding

Hi Carnation

Could your meds be causing more dreams?
When I was on Fluoxetine I woke in a sweat every night after dreaming of the place a I grew up.
I still dream now but not so much now I am on different medication.
My counsellor also suggested a visualisation before sleeping which did help with my recurring dream that causes the sweats. It did help, I don't get that particular one anymore.

When I lived in my FOO I had irregular periods. Something which was annoying but no hassle really, I would just skip several, sometimes it seemed seasonal, with more skipped in the winter months but not enough to definitely say why. Then, I left home at the age of 23 and have been absolutely regular ever since apart from in pregnancy, breastfeeding etc or actual stressful periods.

Its something which one therapist found interesting. Obviously stress can effect cycles, but, when I left home I had an alcoholic boyfriend, the stress of which, just resulted in more ibs symptoms than menstrual irregularity.

Just curious really, it obviously wasn't an issue with my body as I have had 2 children without any medical interventions or assistance.
G

I don't have a diagnosis of anything, apart from palindromic arthritis, but I have been looking for answers my whole life and been on and off anti-depressants for about 10 years. VLC with my parents for 9 years.

I found out about CEN somehow which resonated with me, my mother had some kind of breakdown after having my older sister and had 'deep sleep treatment' and was on tranquillisers, told never to have anymore children. But then, she had me, went back on tranquilisers and certainly saw some kind of mental health professional when I was a child, but was still scary.

From my discovery of CEN, I also discover OOTF, then a C-PTSD group on fb. I also read 'The Body Keeps the Score' and have got further reading since, finally I have started reading the Pete Walker book on C-PTSD and found this site.

I am in the UK. It seems amazing to me that I don't remember any checks being made on me through my childhood but, I suppose, my parents were pretty good at appearing normal, and things were different in the 70's.

What resonates with me from the information on C-PTSD is the information about EF. I think I have been experiencing those. When someone is angry I suddenly get hot, red, feel small, like I want to disappear, shame. I freeze and can do nothing. I just want to curl up and die. Then last week, I had a really busy day and a rude, passive aggressive remark directed at me on fb triggered me, then, at the doctors the receptionist wasn't sure that I had an appointment, although I had been told I would be seen that day, and that doubt and disbelief triggered me again, I could not stop crying. It was cathartic, but it was nothing to do with the reason I was there and totally out of proportion.

I am scared whenever I have to ask someone for something, I feel I have to fawn and grovel, and I feel that physical shame again.

Does any of this make sense? Am I in the right place? I did some training to be a counsellor and really believe that there is some transference of my mother onto my husband, but, because I was inexperienced, the people doing the training said I didn't know what I was talking about and should not talk about transference.

Here in the UK it seems like no one knows anything about this stuff, very few even understand gaslighting. I have a counsellor who has done some inner child stuff with me but these terms are new to her, gaslighting, CEN, C-PTSD even Resting * face was new to her.

Sorry, this is long, really just feel the need to be understood at the moment.

Hi Avemaria - Raising children can be triggering no doubt about it.  Are you seeing a therapist?  I ask because one way to help our children is to help ourselves first.  It's a bit like flying when in the safety briefing they tell you in the event of an emergency to put on your mask first so that you can then help others. FWIW, I think the same applies to those of us with CPTSD.  We need to do something to help reduce the EFs (i.e., process the trauma),  so we have enough oxygen to parent in the way we want to. 

Yes Avemaria, raising kids is so hard, I sought help from everywhere I could as I didn't have a clue. I found the 12 steps of Alanon helpful (had an alcoholic boyfriend once) and any kind of parent support group going, the last one originated in the US I think and it was based on the work of Webster-Stratton. It is all about making sure you meet your needs in order to meet the needs of your children. BTW I found when my kids started school there were other triggers too as I had been bullied at school. Be kind to yourself. The slogans I remember best from Alanon, 'how important is it?' And using 'when' and 'then' from the parenting help groups. 'When I have done this, then I will....' 'When you have cleaned your teeth, then I will read you a story' for example.

Just sounds rude to me, that kind of thing has happened to me too, although not at a church.

Hi,

I am new to the idea that I might have CPTSD. I've read a bit about emotional flashbacks,..................it was triggered by a loud voice and resulted in a pounding heart, a hot, flushed face and an intense feeling of possibly panic that caused me to freeze. I think it was only a couple of minutes long

Wow, I have just found this after being on OOTF for a few months. This you have described is what I get every time my OH is cross about something.

I have just got Pete Walker's book on CPTSD (my counsellor has never heard of CPTSD) & I had what can only be described as a massive trigger this week. Well, it was a couple of triggers on a really stressful day, the second being at the doctors where I had an emergency appointment. The receptionist wasn't sure if I had an appointment, didn't believe me and I just got overwhelmed, crying. They offered me a private room until the doctor was ready. They assumed it was because of the reason I was there, but it wasn't, it was these triggers. This had never happened before, I am very good at controlling myself.

This is all new to me but what everyone has said in response to you is making so much sense. It helps to make sense of the weird and disabling feelings I get.