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Seasaw_:    I hope you're feeling at least a little better by now. How are you now? Are you safe, or do you have to cope with triggering people/situations/places for a while longer?

Hi seasaw_! I'm glad you posted your story anyway. Those nagging doubts sound very very familiar to me. I'm reading a book called If You Have Controlling Parents, which helped explain things. Whatever I did, there was always someone to comment, correct, or smirk, so I'm now often extremely self-conscious.

I found the paragraphs you wrote above VERY articulate! Your style is clear, easy to understand, and you get your point across very well. Even if it weren't - did you ever watch The King's Speech? The part where the stammering King is asked why on earth his speech therapist should listen to him? And the therapist (who knows what he's doing) goads him so much until the king bursts out with the true reason why people should listen to him: "Because I have a voice!" And that's it, I think: a part of the answer for your self-consciousness and for mine.

The ironic thing is, I just now started to re-read this post, thinking: "oh, this is probably too blunt, this is too unintelligible, this is----" So I'll just press "POST" now.

I added a few sections. They sound wonky because they're just things I remembered off the top of my head. If anyone has examples of what worked for them, or things they'd like to add, or if there's a good thread on this forum that we could link to, could you tell me? Thanks! Also, there's bound to be more...

 

Thanks, C! It's in the list now. Sorry it took me a while, I had a bit of a flashback that flattened me for a while.

It hurts more if you're rejected by people whose role it actually would be to support you. At least that's what it was like for me. If a stranger or an acquaintance acts like a jerk, it's a lot easier to shrug off. I'm sorry to hear that your family reacted so coldly. This sounds like a hideously unsettling situation to be in. 

Don't give up. The thing is, sometimes it's a blessing in disguise if people openly act as jerks. It's a litmust test. They're showing their true colours. Granted, maybe there's still hope and they'll come around after a while. But for the time being: is that how your family of origin has always treated you? Were they always THAT unwilling to consider your point of view, instead shaming and blaming you for anything you did or said that rocked the boat? Have you always been that abandoned?

If your folks have always been like that, then - would it be so very bad if your Inner Child wanted a few hours of escape? I think it would only show that she has a great deal of common sense. There are some situations that you MUST escape from. Your heart can take only so much pain. You desperately need to find something that's funny or happy or entertaining, something that gives you the feeling that THIS isn't all there is - that it IS possible to have true friends, that justice CAN prevail, that you can live in the headspace of someone who's able to just go and do things.

I have that same mindset you mentioned. Don't spend money, fun is a waste of time, fun is something you earn if you've worked hard.

I once read an article about growing up poor, and they mentioned these very same attitudes. It makes kind of sense, I guess. If you're broke, you don't earn money; you can't afford fun; and if you do afford it, it's as a reward for hard work. My family had enough money, but my parents were the first generation to not be poor. So that mindset was probably passed down to us.

Hey wow! Congratulations!    And the best of luck to you with your knees.

Lonewolf, I get that too. Nice things I can do for myself, and then somehow I put them off. Now, I'm not at all sure about this, but my working theory right now is: I got taught that any attention is bad attention. Anything that draws attention to myself also draws emotional abuse to myself. Anything REAL that I show anyone will only give them more ammunition - and their barbed comments and smirks are only going to hurt the more because it's hitting something REAL. So, ironically, the very things that are most "me" and that would please my Inner Child - those are the very things I learned to hide, hide, hide, hide, hide. Or to just stop doing them altogether, that was safest. Whenever I think about playing the piano or painting or buying myself some book I'd like, there's this strong reflex that tells me "oh dear me, no, don't EVER do that, it'll just give them ammunition, don't take that risk, not just now".

It's one of the reasons why my one and only attempt to get therapy fell flat on its face. My T was being very professional. That meant that I couldn't read her. I couldn't ever tell what she thought of felt about the things I was saying. She reacted very sparsely and held herself back. No smiles, no comments, no empathy, no feedback. If I told her that something wasn't working for me, she quietly heard me out and then... did nothing. It was really unsettling. In the future, I'd rather tell my story to a coffee dispensing machine. At least those make comforting whirring noises and you get a hot drink at the end.

My mother is very controlling. So that's another trigger. If someone tries to control me, it feels so very uncomfortable, like a trap. Which probably also makes it harder to find a T who won't do that. I probably need therapy before I'm well enough to get therapy.

I agree, grieving is hugely disagreeable. It's a bit like throwing up: really really uncomfortable, but the alternative is worse, and once it's out, it's out, and you're feeling better. (I hope.)

It does make me feel better to know where my feelings are coming from, yes. This is probably because of how I got my CPTSD. Most of it was caused by emotional neglect and emotional abuse. All of it was low-key and long-term. And that means you have SUCH a hard time recognizing it. It's like a slow poison - tasteless, colourless, nigh invisible. You simply end up sick and weak, and you never know why. It colours your perception of everything. It changes you profoundly. But you never know why. And of course, everyone around you gives you the message that this is normal, you're treated well, you should stop being so sensitive. Our abusers honestly believe that this is true. Or so I think. It's all to do with their limited ability to empathize. They honestly CANNOT see what they're doing, they can only see their own side of the story. That's why they abuse you. That's also why they then teach you that everything's fine. It brainwashes you a little bit. And of course, if you do end up feeling depressed, or unmotivated, or fearful, then everyone reacts like it's a character fault of yours.

Looong explanation, no? But that's why it's so wonderful to realize WHAT has happened, HOW it's affected me, and most importantly, that it wasn't my fault. It's nothing I've done to myself - it's simply the effect of a situation I was trapped in. PHEW! I'm not lazy/stupid/weak after all. I'm a good person who grew up in a bad situation. If you've long believed the opposite to be true, that's a rather nifty thing to realize.

In texts about PTSD, I read about "secondary symptoms". So "primary symptoms" of CPTSD would be the true CPTSD stuff, like flashbacks and so on. But the flashbacks then cause more problems, like you can get social anxiety if your family and friends often react to your flashbacks like jerks, or you can get depressed because it's all so hard to bear, or you can feel toxic shame because you think it's all just a character fault of yours. And for me, realizing where my bad feelings come from gets rid of toxic shame. And without this secondary symptom, the primary symptoms are actually a LOT easier to bear.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your parents pretty much left you to deal with your own problems - like you didn't get enough support, like you never had the certainty that you could always ask someone for help if you needed it. Which sounds pretty much like neglect to me, at least at first glance. So maybe all this is familiar to you? Do you think it would help you if you could associate your free-floating anger with the actual traumatic situation that caused it? Or would it make things worse and overwhelm you?

Ask away, it's fine. I just can't promise that my replies will be helpful.

Where the feelings are coming from... It took a long while before any picture emerged. Lots of little "ah-HAH!" moments about my past, things I read, memories that came up... and over time, I got a better idea of what had happened back then. Also, a better idea of what this probably meant for me. And then it was easier to look at my present-day feelings and go "huh - that's what I must have felt back then, when this-and-that happened.

If I can't see where a feeling came from, then that's okay too. There's no need for pressure. I can still look at the flashback and describe it to myself: how it happened, in which situation, what might have triggered it, how it felt like. And then I can put it aside. Maybe something will occur to me later on.

In a way, the very act of describing or examining a flashback helps me a bit. I used to be fully immersed in my flashbacks. It seemed like this was all real, this was what the world was truly like and I was finally seeing things clearly. Very distressing, that. So examining a flashback means: I'm taking a step back, I'm dis-identifying from it, I'm taking control of my own perception of it.

But this is just me. We're all different, so we all need different coping strategies. Maybe mine will change over time. Maybe it would be better to just go for a long walk instead of living in my head so much, who knows.

[Stay safe.]

Hah, we have the beginnings of a list.    I hope we get more things to add.

Stay safe. When you're caught up in a flashback, it's so easy to just lose touch with the here and now. Sometimes that can make us a little heedless of danger. Please look after yourself. Maybe your folks treated you like you're dispensable, but that's abusive nonsense. You deserve to be treated with care and consideration. Things to avoid: anything that could kill you, get you addicted, make your flashback worse, or get you in trouble later (like leaving bills unpaid, crossing the road without checking that it's safe, or taking a walk without looking where you go and then getting hopelessly lost).

Grounding & Mindfulness. CPTSD flashbacks make us live in our heads and hearts, and we kind of lose touch with the here and now. Anything that helps us stay grounded can help us to not get quite as lost in our flashbacks.

Examples:

Practicing listening to people very closely.
Drinking a few sips of water as slowly and mindfully as possible.
Buy small amounts of healing scents, then "sniff" during an EF.
A slow walk observing closely the smell, sounds and sights.
Putting on make-up, especially mascara and eyeliner (this helps one member to concentrate and steady her hands, an area that feels shaky during an EF).


Less stress. Simply just having CPTSD uses up energy. CPTSD recovery uses up still more energy. Stress also uses up energy. So anything that we can do to de-stress our lives is bound to be helpful. Examples:

Look around your flat. Is there anything that makes you think "...oh dear"? Can you get rid of it? (Clothes that no longer fit, half-finished projects, childhood photos, presents from people who hurt you...)
Exercize. Anything that moves the larger muscle groups gets rid of adrenaline (long, brisk walks, swimming, boxing...).
Dance.
Do you get enough downtime where you don't have to do anything productive?
Does the food you eat make you tired? (Possible culprits: white flour, sugar, junk food, tea, chocolate, coffee, additives)
Do you drink enough water?
Can you organize your day so there's no need to hurry?
Can you avoid multitasking?
Do you breathe properly? Sounds weird, but some of us (=Cat) react to stress with shallow breathing. Or they stop breathing for a few seconds.
Do you have enough time alone?
Meditation.
Creative pursuits (like painting, writing...).
Cleaning your rooms can be relaxing.


Rituals. Sometimes it's helpful to have something real and tangible that expresses a change we want to make. Things that have helped some of us:

Decluttering a room and rearranging the furniture makes Cat's mind feel "tidier".
Burning sage or incense, as C. does. "I place the sage on a special plate, then light it and walk around the spaces in my home with it and blow on it lightly.  You can also stay in one place and move the smoke around your own body.  It burns slowly, with small amounts of smoke.  I sometimes combine this w/prayer or meditation.  This practice is called 'smudging'.  It's a practice of many American Indian tribes.  You can substitute a candle, incense, etc."
Collecting polished stones that represent healing topics (rose quartz for self-love, etc). You can display them or carry them around with you.


Inner Child Work and Self-Parenting. Wasn't this in a thread somewhere... Techniques I remember: ask your Inner Child questions, have her answer in writing and write with your non-dominant hand. Or ask your Inner Child questions directly, and wait to see what emotions or mental images pop up. Maybe your Inner Child wants a present? Positive self-talk: saying soothing and validating things to oneself (either just in your thoughts or out loud if you're alone and it feels okay). The idea of an Inner Teen - not sure if that's official, but I liked it, and my Inner Teen loves doing things that my FOO wouldn't approve of (like painting my toenails or making espresso - my FOO was so overcontrolling that it's ridiculously easy to rebel).


Nutrition. There's this new theory about a connection between depression and symptoms of an inflammation? Must look this up. There was a thread about that. The bottom line was, eating sensibly helps with the inflammation thing and that in turn improves your mood.


Dungeon-Diving. Also known as Grief Work. Facing up to the abuse we experienced, and working through our grief. Techniques? How do people here a) identify what they need to grieve about, b) feel actual feelings, c) do the actual work - grieving, angering, venting, and that fourth thing I keep forgetting? Only ideas I have so far: journalling, feelings journal, reading books on types of abuse you've probably experienced (bc they often have handy lists of questions you can ask yourself), working off your excess anger by making vegetable soup - the kind where you have to chop up a celeriac root - very cathartic sometimes. There has to be more out there.


Ghostbusting, aka Shrinking the Inner Critic. Link to Pete Walker's texts. There was a thread about this - must research. Maybe something about brainwashing and its effects. Maybe something about what introjects are, how to identify them, and what to do with them later. No idea how this holds true for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder, so this section would need a warning. (A book I read says: if you feel like you're split up into several personalities, then it might make matters worse if your T or you give those entities names and address them directly. So for people with DID, it sounds like it's best for them to address that problem separately and consult a T who knows these things.)


Open The Closet, Say Hi To The Skeleton. I'm thinking of things that's made our lives difficult, but no one ever told us about them. Asperger's, High Sensitivity, maybe issues related to Racism, Sexism, Ableism, spiritual abuse, etc - things we had to combat but were taught to ignore, or maybe we were expected to act as if nothing at all was the matter. Maybe also parental problems - poverty, alcoholism, workoholism, narcissism, busy-holism, mental illness, narcissistic family systems... Link to symptoms you show if you're an Adult Child (which turn out to be common to people who've grown up in all kinds of narcissistic family systems).


Discover Yourself. CPTSD shrinks your sense of identity, or you even develop a fake self, or you're just too depressed to even have proper feelings, or you've been conditioned to never have preferences and wishes etc. Do we have techniques for that? Things people did? Success stories? I liked that thread in our Café section about what hot drink we prefer. A small start. Maybe this is linked to Self-Parenting? Befriending the Self? What did everyone do to find out who they truly are?


Resource Work. Anything that gives you energy. Well, anything that gives you energy and is legal and preferrably non-addictive. Examples: ....? (Entertainment, downtime, creativity, laugh-out-loud fun, interesting hobbies,...) (this is probably closely linked to de-stressing yourself and also to rediscovering yourself)

I'll start.

Less stress. Simply just having CPTSD uses up energy. CPTSD recovery uses up still more energy. Stress also uses up energy. So anything that we can do to de-stress our lives is bound to be helpful. Examples:

-- Look around your flat. Is there anything that makes you think "...oh dear"? Can you get rid of it? (Clothes that no longer fit, half-finished projects, childhood photos, presents from people who hurt you...)
-- Exercize.
-- Do you get enough downtime where you don't have to do anything productive?
-- Does the food you eat make you tired? (Possible culprits: white flour, sugar, junk food, tea, chocolate, coffee, additives)
-- Do you drink enough water?
-- Can you organize your day so there's no need to hurry?
-- Can you avoid multitasking?
-- Do you breathe properly? Sounds weird, but some of us (=Cat) react to stress with shallow breathing. Or they stop breathing for a few seconds.

-----------------------------------------

So. How about you? What else is there we can use?

What works for you? Methods, techniques, lifestyle changes, grounding techniques, Inner Child work, flashback management techniques...?

It occurred to me yesterday that this board is full of useful tips about recovery. But they're scattered everywhere, and I keep on forgetting about them. If you're new to Out Of the Storm, it's probably a daunting task to face the many, many, many threads. No chance is any new member going to find every last useful tip, not unless they take a week off and do nothing but read.

So how about we start a list where we collect everything?