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I'm working to get a better knowledge of what my emotional flashbacks are like. Once I know that, I can recognize them more easily (I hope). One thing I'm trying to find out is, what do they feel like physically, both during an EF and afterwards. Also, what changes in behaviour are triggered? I'm looking for things that could maybe function as clear signals that I'm flashing back.

So how about comparing notes? Maybe we can gather enough data so each of us gets a better idea of what EFs tend to feel like. An EF roadmap, kind of.

One thing I noticed, EFs dehydrate me. I'm often really really thirsty for a few days, to the point where I'm drinking up to 3 to 5 litres of water per day.
During a flashback, I have a strong urge to physically hide, to be less present, less noticeably physically. So I've got a huge scarf I'm wearing, as a kind of portable nest. Or if several people choose seats in a room, I'm picking one that's in a corner and close to the door, or in a position where I can see all the entry points. I'm sitting hunched, a little on the edge of my seat - you know, the typical way women have of sitting in a way that saves room, in situations where men (and very relaxed women) would sprawl and lean back and stretch out their legs.
Also, I tend to feel peckish for comfort food, often a particular food.
Then there's feeling small and insignificant and boring.

So how about you?

There's a text somewhere out there saying that emotional abuse has an effect that's similar to brainwashing. I did some research on that, and found several websites of women who've survived hellish marriages, and they also say that emotional abuse brainwashes you. If this is true for emotional abuse you get as a grown-up, it has to be doubly true for the abuse you get as a kid. If a grown woman is eventually worn down, then what hope has a child?

I'm torn. On the one hand, it fits to what I know of myself. Even some of the stages of brainwashing applied - I remember one of them very vividly, and I remember how terrifying and painful it was, but it never made sense at the time and so I thought it was just me being overdramatic or thin-skinned or whatever. But then I read that text about stages of brainwashing and I went: "...sounds familiar... hm, a bit familiar... nope... yes, that there is familiar again... and what's this? AAAGH!" I closed the tab and sat there, utterly spooked, heart pounding. Finally, that one hellish time in my life made sense. Hooray. That's good. But it also means that it really happened, it really was just as bad as I felt it was, and that is scary. (I'm fine - I've got time enough to work through this, and dh is a very good listener nowadays.)

But can this really be true? It's not like I grew up in a cult! What do I have to complain about? It was just emotional abuse, it wasn't the GULAG.

On the other hand, to this day I've got trouble believing in my own opinions. I'm so used to thinking: "oh, but that can't be true - after all, it's me thinking it." Now THAT certainly isn't an attitude I was born with.

How about you? Anyone else feel that? Or is it just me? What are your experiences with this? If this truly is a part of CPTSD - being unused to validating one's own opinions and experiences - then that would be a major stumbling block on our way to recovery, right? How can I win if I haven't got myself on my side?

I'm hesitant about even posting this, but...

It occurred to me that many here might not have all that many experiences with being soothed as kids. I know my own mother was often too harried and impatient, and quite often, she'd ignore things or tell me to buck up.

However, now in recovery, I'm supposed to "soothe my inner child".

So I thought: there have to be quite a few parents here. Or people who had positive experiences with being soothed, or who've researched the thing. Would it be helpful if we just collected a few ways of soothing people? Or stories of how successful soothing experiences. Soothing strategies. Guidelines. Anecdotes.

I'll add mine in a separate post.

Hi, I'm schrödingerskatze. I'm new here. A few years ago, I was triggered on an internet forum, and I haven't posted anything anywhere since. This is my second post since then. I'm already feeling a liiittle bit panicky, so if I end up posting not very much, that's probably why.

My story is this. When I was a toddler, our family situation suddenly worsened (someone got critically ill in a way that changed their personality - not a mental illness though). Everyone was under stress for the next twenty years. I was emotionally abused and emotionally neglected at home, got depressed, which in turn got me emotionally abused and bullied at school, which over time got me my CTPSD. No one cared much: everyone was busy with their own lives, and with my family member who was sick.

The worst was, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was always tired, I could never really concentrate, I sleepwalked through my day, I was always late, always too slow, always clumsy. I had great difficulties making decisions for myself. I dithered, I was constantly second-guessing myself, I had very few opinions and was always trying to please others enough so they'd simply ignore me and leave me be.

Things got better in my twenties. Then, in my thirties, I was retraumatized. At that time, I was jobless and in a foreign country, which was bad, but it left me with plenty of time to research, which was good. As soon as I returned home, I got therapy. Only a little; it wasn't helpful at all. I constantly felt that my therapist had her methods custom-tailored for "real", proper traumas: the kind that happens ONCE, so you have one single, clear-cut situation with a series of identifiable triggers - triggers like a specific scent or a clearly identifiable social situation, not triggers like "social groups" or "every single institution ever, even hairdressers to some extent if I'm having a bad day" or "authority figures" or "people who seem cooler or more self-assured than I am, which, on a bad day, is pretty much everybody". I was left feeling that I had to get better before I could face therapy again.

So I've done things on my own. What's been helpful so far:

The concept of the "inner team". I'm doing a technique where I freewrite dialogues between parts of myself. It grew from a writing exercize where you relax, then ask your inner critic a question (on paper), and see if he'll answer. I scoffed at the very idea. It couldn't work, I just knew it. I gave it a shot anyway, and it was BRILLIANT. Awesome. Might have saved me years of severe distress - or severer distress than I had anyway.

Related to that: some things I read about egostate therapy. Never did the therapy, but the basic concept of it rang true. I love egostates. It explains why I get into (difficult or triggering) situations and suddenly I feel twelve.  That's because this happens to everybody. Certain situations activate certain egostates. We're one kind of person at work, another kind of person with our family of origin, a third kind of person with our friends, and so on. Fascinating stuff.

Then, articles on cracked.com on the effects it has if you've grown up poor or in a messed-up family. A humour site seems a wonky source of research. But on the other hand, humourists are really good at bringing things to the point, and they use a conversational tone, not cold and clinical psychologese.

A book called "Reinventing Your Life" by J.E. Young and J.S. Klosko, both Ph.D.s. The underlying concept is: we each of us repeat behavioral patterns we've learned in childhood. If your family constantly criticized you, you might end up feeling fundamentally flawed. They call that the "Defectiveness Lifetrap". The authors explain how such lifetraps come to exist, what they look like, and what you can do to escape them.

One technique from that book is for when you're cut off from how you really feel and what you really need. I forget what Lifetrap that's for (I've got several), but I read somewhere that it's a symptom of CPTSD, so maybe this is helpful for someone else? They recommend you write down how you feel three times a day. It's been interesting. I never realized before how many things make me anxious and stressed out.

I'll post this before my courage runs out. My apologies if this is too long. But I'm glad to have found this place, and I hope everyone is having as un-* a day as they can. The foreign country I lived in had a good word for this: "how's your day?" someone will ask, and they'll make a so-so face and sigh and say: "normal".