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I think that's all so true, and a lot of that stuff is echoed in the OOTF site. They have created a coping mechanism that minimizes your issues so much that is works for them. Not you. And to them you are a cliche. My parents would accuse me of things a typical teenager would do my age, but things I never, ever even thought of doing. When I came home late from play practice, just about to do my homework, so that I could get straight A's in my advanced and college level classes, my mom would tell me she almost called the police because she thought I was off somewhere doing drugs or having sex. Nothing I ever did screamed I'm going to rebel and do those things. And I almost wanted to do those things anyway. You've already pegged me as that kind of girl, you don't trust me at all, so why not just go ahead and do it? I wouldn't be disappointing you, I'd be giving you something to complain about to your other mom friends. Oh my silly teenager. She's such a cliche.

And whenever an attending thinks of me as a med school student cliche, I get so angry and frustrated I want to cry. An emotional flashback for sure. I just had this epiphany today. Med students, they don't really want to get to know patients, they just want to sit and study for their exams. They don't want to sit and talk to patient's about their problems. Doctors also have this detached I don't care attitude because we all know full well under the surface we care so much we hurt. I'm not a cliche. I'm a person, and very different from most med school students I know, who either are or learned to be emotionally retarded. Feelings? What are those? I mean it just feeds my dysfunction. Any emotional abuse I speak of with my family I typically just get "oh silly parents, mine are just like that." response. No they probably aren't! Or if they did maybe you need help too! Don't minimize my problems!

Urgh.

I have this memory that pops up periodically. I have always kind of pushed it aside because I thought, well, it didn't directly happen to me, so I shouldn't be traumatized by this memory. Well I decided to stop shaming myself today and see what happens.

When I was in elementary school, my sister was a teenager, and it was a Friday night. Normal teenagers get to go out on Fridays, but for some reason my sister wasn't allowed to go to something, I can't remember why. My mom was probably forcing us for no reason to have "family time," which is usually do whatever my parents want to do and deal with it. This time it was sitting down for dinner together and watching a concert. I knew it was going to be boring as * but I knew better than to complain. Bad things happened when we complained. The night just had a weird vibe to it. I often had these feelings of being really uncomfortable and couldn't place my finger on why. Early intuition I guess.

My sister was ticked off, as teenagers who don't get to go out usually are, and had argued with my parents earlier in the evening. My dad asked my sister to turn the light off and my sister snapped "do it yourself' at him. My dad then flipped out in a way I had never seen before. He slammed his food tray down and went at my sister, she tried to run away and then he pushed her into a corner. I could't see what he was doing after that but I heard her screaming. Then my mom pulled him off and pushed him away. She's had to do that a lot. But a part of me thinks she enjoyed that part, being the rescuer. I think she would sit back and let it escalate and then jump in to save the day.

I carry a lot of guilt from that day. I remember afterward everyone left but I wanted to pretend like nothing happened, so I stayed with my dad and watched half of the concert and then when I couldn't stand it anymore I went to my room. I heard my mom talking to my sister. I guessed they were words of comfort but knowing my mom now, she was probably manipulating her, being gentle and loving and at the same time hinting it was her fault somehow. I keep thinking, I should have left my dad alone to swim in his guilt. I shouldn't have pretended nothing was wrong. I should have hugged my sister and comforted her. I just stood in my room paralyzed for a while. No one really talked to me about it, or if they did, I don't remember. I don't remember dad apologizing. I don't remember being told that behavior was not ok. I don't remember being able to talk about my feelings. And sometimes, I have nightmares.

I know that my sister pretends that day didn't happen and has abuse amnesia. She prides herself on not holding grudges, but I think it's to a fault. She does what I did that day. Pretends like everything is ok. And doesn't comfort me when I come to her for it regarding our parents. She used to be my lifeline. She used to protect me from them. But after having her baby, it's like I don't mean anything to her anymore. My parents are gods with all the advice on parenting. While I just pray that my niece doesn't become us. So far I think my parents haven't really gotten to my sister and she's a very freely loving mom. I pray she stays that way. I try to encourage her but she just keeps her distance from me.

I lost my best friend because I pulled away the curtain and saw my family for what it was, dysfunctional. And it makes me very sad. I cry about that day like it happened a week ago or something. I'm trying to figure out how to let go of the guilt, but it's been so far ingrained in me. And I wish I could tell her I'm sorry. But I think she would just act as though she had no idea what I was talking about. And I don't think that would make me feel any better even for the sake of trying to be altruistic, my usual tactic for self satisfaction.

I feel better for sharing though.

Thank you for the lovely post BeHea1thy. I live in New York too! Just temporarily. Anyway, thank you, I will continue to look at resources for help on my inner critic. My safe place always seems to be my home, I put a lot of time and effort into the places I live, no matter how temporary. I'm signed up for my current place for only six months but I set up a dining room table and decorated with a lot of knick knacks and art prints. I find the grocery store oddly comforting too. I used to dodge my parents while I was studying for the boards and I wasn't 100% sure if they would be in their condo, where they go on the weekends, or their regular home. I would always try to be in whichever home they weren't in, which means regular long, long drives on the weekend and me rushing to get all my things packed for the weekend. Super stressful. But in the times I wasn't sure if they had left the other house yet, I would often use Starbucks as my second home, and there are a lot of them in grocery stores, or I would do an extra long grocery shopping trip to kill the time.

I kind of shut down on the weekends. I usually have a long list of errands I couldn't get to during the week but I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically I just do whichever ones I can get around to. If I had a lot of money I would seriously consider hiring a maid. Right now I just kind of deal with being a little more gross than I used to be. I kind of use that time to zone out and not think, or listen to a bunch of podcasts, a few of which I find oddly comforting and sometimes listen to ones I've already listened to.

It is perfectly fine to use the short form of my username. I just love the name, it's a Hawaiian princess from long ago and the name has a nice flow. OOTF has been a huge support system for me during my tough times and helped me get a therapist in the first place. I find freedom to be extremely difficult. Even a year later I find the wounds to be really fresh. That and I'm pretty much experiencing all holidays completely alone. Holidays are a big deal in my family, steeped in tradition that I upheld more than anyone else in my family. I made sure the decorations and events were almost exactly the same as the previous year. I don't have any of that, and especially around Christmas, it was incredibly difficult. I was almost on call at my hospital that week too which would have been even more depressing. But I tell myself that it's far worse to be with my family and deal with the traditions that aren't so great, like the belittling, guilt tripping, and inevitably my dad will get really drunk and attack someone. Usually me because I'm stupid enough to defend the siblings that rarely defend me. My silly way of reclaiming control over abusive situations I think. I confronted my dad about one drunken Christmas fight where he pushed me down on the couch after I told him to stop yelling at my brother. He looked at me confused and told me he never did that. He genuinely had no idea. Oh boy.

I am trying to learn to be compassionate toward myself. I have no idea how to do this, I'm working on it. I've been reading a lot of self help books, especially the Emotionally Absent Mother book, and have tried to be my own mom. Like what would I say to my child going through these difficulties. And I struggle with it. It feels fake and inadequate. I wish someone else was telling me these things and comforting me, alas, I cannot really find anyone like this. My therapist does a great job of being my support system and cheerleader. Unfortunately she costs a lot of money and my insurance company makes it extremely difficult to get compensation. She helps out, I go on a "tab" of sorts and pay her back whenever. But I feel so bad about doing that. She tells me not to feel bad, this is her choice and her boundaries. It's so true. I still feel terrible. I cannot reason my way out of it.

This is my issue. I feel, and have been told, that I have a lot of insight into my issues. I'm good at reasoning this stuff out. But it's like my body isn't listening. I still feel the old feelings. I have been listening on an audiobook to The Body Keeps the Score and the author does an excellent job of explaining this. My reptilian and mammalian brains have not reconciled what my higher brain keeps trying to tell me. And I hope here, I can figure out how to resolve this. Knock myself out of my constant survival mode. I'm always on high alert. I'm always panicked, always full of doubt.

I actually literally just bought the book you suggested! I got in on Kindle and I will probably delve into it soon. I eat up these self help books, and part of that is personal, some of that is because I would like to be a psychiatrist in my future. I think this would ultimately help me heal, devoting my life to helping people exactly like me. Altruism I think.

Thank you for the welcoming! I think I will stay here for many years to come. OOTF has watched me grow, I hope I will grow here too.

I choose "squicky" but I have no idea how else to describe it. I started this post on another support site and want to continue it here. I talk about my past with violence and sexual abuse, just fyi.

I watched "Gone Girl" with my boyfriend and it sent me into a feeling I'm quite familiar with now. Does anyone else go through it? I just get these prickles up and down my back, I shut down. I want to cover up and hide any evidence that I am a woman. Any sexual features I have. I get this way sometimes for not really any reason, and start to get the feeling that every guy in the room is oggling me. I want to wear big baggy clothing, in fact a lot of the time when I go to the bar with friends I wear sweats while other girls are dressed to the nines. The guys I hang out with love this, they find it hilarious. I tell myself it's because I'm comfortable in my own skin. But I am not. I want to cover up all of my skin.

I get angry. It isn't fair. Men don't have to do this. I've been harassed at bars for simply looking good. Guys complain about this a lot, how a girl must be dressed that way because she wants that kind of attention. I want to look sexy sometimes, I want to be looked at, but sometimes, that's it. Looked at. I want to feel pretty and confident. Not harassed. I was raped by my first boyfriend. Other men since seem to be of the mind set that if I am their girlfriend, they can have sex with me anytime, and if I want to stop at anytime, that isn't fair to them. And now when my current boyfriend wants to touch me when I don't want to be touched, I completely shut down. I sit very still and hope that if I don't make any sudden movements, he won't want to touch me. If I do anything slightly provocative, he runs after me and starts pawing at me. It scares me. I kind of have this saying to myself sometimes. I wish I could take off my boobs and hide them at will.

What do you do when you feel these feelings?

OMG! I am about halfway through The Body Keeps the Score and it has been very healing for me. I suggested it on the Out of the Fog support site. Also some days very difficult to listen to because it's all so close to home. I will watch this for sure.

I think a lot of us don't think what we went through was "bad enough." Until I talked it through with a therapist I didn't even dare say I was abused, because a lot of it was covert and subtle. But I think it matters how you feel. I couldn't figure out that I was having emotional flashbacks until I read about them on this site. It's pretty empowering to put a label on the hurt that you have felt, wondering if other people have felt that way too. This is a place to heal, not judge. Welcome. I'm new too. I hope we both find peace here. I am also a kitty lover. Mine is curled on my lap as I type. Kitties are great for the healing process. She's my best buddy.

Hello all. I'm from the Out of the Fog forum as I'm sure many of you are. I was so scared to make my first post on the previous site and a lot less apprehensive on this one, because I have gotten so much love and support since I joined. I am a medical school student. My journey has been very tough, because for the longest time I had a lot of anxiety and depression and didn't even realize it until I took a survey our psychiatry professor suggested we give to psychiatry patients and scored extremely high levels of anxiety and moderate levels of depression. This started a somewhat painful journey of self discovery that has ultimately granted me freedom, my one major desire in life.

I struggled a lot, I failed some medical school classes and struggled to keep grades up, and I couldn't figure out why, I have always been quite smart, sorry if I sound narcissistic. I have many weaknesses, but intelligence in not one of them. I'm also painfully shy at times, never really want to leave my apartment if I can help it, and believe strongly in the healing power of cats. I discovered my struggles and shyness were a result of my mom having undiagnosed borderline personaity disorder, as discovered by me and my therapist that I finally gathered the courage to seek out. We discovered my tainted past, the years of manipulation and abuse I was never even aware of. I just spent most of my life feeling that I was horribly flawed, and not of much value. My first boyfriend also most likely had uBPD, along with a few other boyfriends after. I am a victim of emotional abuse, physical abuse, all of which were mostly covert, and sometimes overt. Covert in my opinion is almost worse. No one on the outside sees the pain you go through, and when you explain they usually leave the conversation in doubt and disbelief.

My first boyfriend raped me. Boyfriends after sexually assaulted me in other ways, to the point where I don't think many men have any self control or respect toward women in the bedroom. I don't like to admit this to friends or subsequent boyfriends, and usually do not. Because my whole family that enables and rallies around my mom are all about self pity. I refuse to be a victim. I don't want to be known as the girl that was abused and raped. I am a survivor. I admittedly struggle and have difficulty opening up because of this. But I have fought long, hard, and all alone with very little support to be where I am today. Where most medical students were getting emails from their moms saying they miss them with dorky cat videos attached, I got constant reminders from my mom full of guilt tripping and how much money I owed her. That is her favorite sword of Damocles. Money. While studying for my boards and applying for rotations, my parents were abruptly removing all financial support, threatening to kick me out of their home, and whatever else they could do when I began to refuse the abuse they were hurling at me. I never submitted. I simply ran away and lived and worked on my own until I could afford to go back to school. And I did. I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year. My siblings have all but abandoned me completely.

This will not define me I will learn to thrive. But right now, I'm stuck in survival mode, always fighting through what feels like a sea of molasses, struggling every step of the way to make it through the day and end up with a successful career, and some day, a family. I need your help to do this!