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Ugh, after the Christmas disaster i have not been doing well. It's like after the incident occurred i felt a shift in my brain. I feel like no one gets it so I often find myself escaping to this site because you guys seem to be the only people who can relate to how I'm feeling. I was doing so well in my recovery and now its like I'm back at square one. I can't sleep because at night my anxiety is unbearable when I get tired. I can't wait to move out full time (I'm in college) but it just isn't realistic any time soon. I can't be a full time student and afford to move out. I can't afford a T who specializes in trauma. Don't get me wrong there are some wonderful T's at school but sometimes I feel like they just don't get it fully because it is not their area of expertise. I just feel so withdrawn and unhappy and trapped in this stupid house. I know I shouldn't think so negatively but I can't help it.

So I'm moving into a college dorm for the first time in about two weeks and I'm debating on whether or not to tell my roommate(s) (they won't tell me who I'm living with for another 24 hours aahhh!) about having CPTSD. The reason I'm debating it is because I have anxiety habits that may be seen as odd to an outsider. For example, whenever i have a horrific nightmare, I will get up and lock the door. There have been times my bf said I did this and I dont even remember. I just don't want to get a reputation of being crazy you know? So I don't know if it's best to bite the bullet and tell them because of my inexplicable behaviors or to just not say anything and then they get frustrated with me because they don't know why I do these things. 

I'm so mad, I needed new medication so I went in for my appointment as usual. She began asking me about my back story and I said I was and still am to a degree abused. She asked what kind and I said mostly psychological (as in verbal/emotional etc) Then she snickered and said "So what, you think you were abused just because you were yelled at?" I became defensive so I told her I was also physically abused and it was only then that she took me seriously. The reason I don't usually talk about that is because the physical abuse only happened when things got really bad; but the emotional/verbal and whatnot was pretty much daily. It just makes me so mad that a mental health professional could say something like that! I felt so invalidated and that was triggering because my feelings were constantly being invalidated and deemed unimportant growing up.  ugh...

These past few weeks I've had bad dreams every night, some worse than others. Last week I had a dream where my boyfriend was telling me that I shouldn't complain about my childhood because his was worst than mine. Now this is something he wouldn't ever even think of saying to me! He even apologized when I told him about it! That is how caring he is towards me that he feels guilty that the dream version of him said something mean. With this being said, I think the dream has two meanings that I am aware of. He too was abused in his childhood, but he was physically abused mostly while I was mostly emotionally abused. I know you can't compare two situations, and consciously I make an effort not to. But whenever I complained about things that bothered me as a child, I was invalidated. I was told that I had a good life and that other children had it worst and was shut down, so I feel as though I do that to myself now. Also, I have this fear that someday he won't be nice to me anymore and he'll abuse me too and I'll be trapped in a lifetime of abuse. Does anyone have any advice on how I can overcome these feelings?