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I'll do that. Thank you.

Anyone else ever had one of those times when your anxiety spikes, and you just want to rage at everything until you calm down? I'm having one of those couple days.

I opened up to my roommate yesterday about just how terrifying it was to grow up with my M. He was appalled. It helped a lot, because I was having one of those moments when I thought it was all in my head, and nothing that bad happened. Now, I'm quite sure again that what I went through was quite traumatic, and I'm angry. How could someone try to destroy their child like that, in the name of love, of all things?

I don't have any outlet for my rage right now (I'm at work), so I'm being prickly. I'm trying not to be, but I really want to curl up in the dark and I'm sure it shows.

I like this guy. He presents his material in a relatable way, and he gets right to the point. Having his stuff on is like having a conversation with a friend in your living room. Good stuff.

[have]

I'm a bit puzzled on my feelings and thoughts. So if anybody has a perspective on this, please shoot.

The situation:
I have a couple of great friends. Who also have friends. On the whole I regard them as acquaintances, some are nice, to others I'm indifferent.
Let's call them Friends of Choice (FrOC) and Friends in Law. (FrIL)
I recently (two months ago) had a fall out with two FrIL, a couple. Her I like, him not so much.
She had invited me over for diner, her BF was invited too (they live separate). All started out fine, but within half an hour I got into an argument with BF, basically over the idea "one should always take into account the intent of another person".
Since I have an uHPDmom, I've only just learned that I don't have to take into account her 'intent'. If her behavior bothers me, her intent does not have to be of concern to my response.
He called me selfish, egoistic.
I tried to defuse the situation, but he kept banging me up. Things got unpleasant.
I left! Ha! I had never done such a thing, but I thought of myself: "What a brilliant move, Uncle. Way to go!" Obviously I was also embarrassed to leave the hostess and her diner (well, actually I left right after diner was done, but I still left diner, as far as I'm concerned), but I quite literally didn't see another way out.

Just to put my two cents in, I agree with you there. You don't always have to do anything. Eventually, you'll be dead, and you'll become part of the ground, and air, and universe, and then you won't even be you anymore, so how could you possibly take intent into account then? Some people just don't know how to look at the bigger picture. That's fine. It takes all sorts. But we can still 

This is just the introduction. Bear with me

This weekend there is a yearly get together with both FrOC and FrIL. This is a great event, and actually joining this event about 7 years ago has played a major part me in coming out of the FOG. (that I only realized later)
One month ago a dear FrOC told me that something should be done, the 'fight' appeared to spill over to this yearly get-together.
I was surprised, and a bit annoyed. Enmeshment... Yikes.
So after some deliberation with myself, I decided to phone them both, and apologize for 'letting it get out of hand', in which I undoubtedly also played a role (the 50% rule). I made sure to just apologize for my part and NOT bring up "but you did...blahblahblah." No fauxpologies from my side.
With her the call was 'easy', she apologized as well, things were smoothed out. We said we would meet at the get-together.
With him it was quite different. He accepted my apologies, downplayed them somewhat, but made clear he didn't want to see me for a while. Fine, his choice, his right. I didn't insist, didn't mention the get-together. That seemed as 'putting gasoline on the fire' to me. I would see how his remark would play out. There was still a month to go anyway.

Hmm... I don't know if I would even bother apologizing, in retrospect. How did he downplay your apology? How out of hand did this conversation get, that he doesn't want to see you for a while? He seems off to me. It sounds like he could be the type of person who wants you to insist he be there, so he's doing a favor for you, and has something to hold over you. Did he apologize? From my end, it could be interpreted as, "Yes, you were wrong. I've won. Now let me provoke your anxiety, so I can get the validation I need to know that I am wanted in this friend group."

Of course, we're talking worst case scenario. The reality is probably somewhere in the middle.

Then a few weeks ago news reached me both would not attend the get-together. I got a bit anxious about the blame being passed on me, but I managed to calm me down. The others are too great people to shift blame in the first place, and of course not going is their decision, not mine. And I didn't call them names, BF did. I still don't know why he got in such a frenzy.

Wait just a second there. When were people calling each other names? How did this escalate? 

I'm glad the blame wasn't put on you. I would have been anxious, too.

Then yesterday the GF called me. It was OK, we chit-chatted a bit, and then she told me I should not feel bad for them not coming this weekend. That was OK. I showed my appreciation. She went on a bit, and I told her I was not bothered anyway. That it was their choice anyway. Perhaps that is JADEing, but I somehow needed to tell her that she should not feel bothered about me possibly feeling bothered of them not coming. Or some such thought-process. Call went on for a while, all fine and dandy, and we wished each other a nice weekend.

Now here's the clue, the question.
At first I got a bit anxious anyway that possibly by saying (paraphrased) "oh, I'm not bothered at all by you(plural) not coming" might be misconstrued. But I managed to calm that down.
But now I think: was it actually a nice thing to do by her, calling me up two days before the event they have foregone? Why stir the pot? Why bring up I might feel bad about it? Now I 'had' to reassert my not-being-bothered, and mostly towards myself I had to reassert: "It's their call anyway". And so this call has to a certain degree only upped the ante.

Now, I'm convinced there is no malice from her side. We are cool with each other.

But how do I process all these thoughts and feelings?
And in a way: Am I being "selfish and egoistic" for 'brushing aside' their non-presence? By partying just fine with the other FrOC and FrIL like there is no difference? These people are an important part of my support-system (what a stupid word in this context. They are not a system at all, they are people.) and so there is something at stake here...

You absolutely are not being selfish, because you are not responsible for the actions and feelings of others (this is one of my mantras, by the way  ). You do not have to take care of your friends' mental states. There is already a difference at the party: they aren't there. So why do there have to be other differences? It doesn't follow, to me. You haven't brushed it aside, you've done everything in your power to make it right, and the guy's still being an * to you. What more can you possibly do, and retain your sanity and sense of self? Sometimes, people are dicks, they blow things out of proportion, and there's nothing you can do once they've decided to feel a certain way about it.

Enmeshment. I've just started to see and unravel the enmeshment with my FOO, and now it seems I have to deal with enmeshment in my FrOC.

Sorry about your life.  I wish you all the luck.

I'm going to have a good time regardless, and so will everybody else, I'm a 100% sure of that. 

That sounds like the right attitude to take. You decided you'll have a good time, and you will. That guy you fought decided that he's going to be resentful, and hold a (rather stupid, IMO) grudge against you, and so he's going to be huffing and puffing about you for the rest of his (foreseeable) natural life. He could have made the decision you did, adopted a healthy attitude toward the whole thing, and had a good time with everyone. Unfortunately, he arranged his priorities so that not encountering you is more important than hanging out with his friends.

I'm a 15 year long bachelor after three 'failed' ones. So I'm not exactly the on-board expert. 

Even though they failed, you gained experience from each one. Things to watch out for, things you wouldn't do again, and you can take a sampling of the interactions you had, and know roughly what to expect from a romantic partner. The person I'm with is the first person I have ever loved romantically. I never dated as a teenager because life got in the way. I'm a very private person. I don't talk much about anything, let alone something that makes me feel as vulnerable as my relationship. I don't have friends who have much experience, even in failed relationships. My uPDM basically told me that men are all * and whores who will take advantage of me, have their way, and then leave me. I never had anyone to help answer relationship questions. I've had to blindly grope my way through this whole thing, and it is exhausting.

I don't mean to rant. What you said threw into perspective just how far behind I am, and how hard I've had to try to catch up, and it makes me feel like a failure that I haven't made as much progress as I'd like. It gets easier, and it's mostly a forward journey, but it's disheartening not to have what so many people take for granted.

[does]

Yeah, mental hangover about sums it up.

I don't have much experience dealing with relationships. From what I have experienced, "it's no big deal" isn't how a slip up like that is dealt with. I expected a jealous response. I was prepared to deal with anger, resentment, disappointment, or even the loss of my relationship. In what little personal experience I have, I'm used to having to walk on eggshells. I guess, though, after 5 years of building trust and respect, to throw it all out like that would be strange.

What if he really doesn't care, and the reason is because he doesn't care about me?

Is that the scariest thought? I would get anxious from that thought...
I think your BF does care, for all the good reasons. Possibly he meant "It's no big deal" when he said "I don't care".

Yes, that is absolutely the scariest thought in the world right now. And, honestly, it's not fair to the man I love. He doesn't deserve to have his love and care constantly in question, after he's proven it time and again. He deserves someone who can trust him. After the life I've led, it's hard for me to give him that trust, though. I'm working on it.

Hey there! How are you doing?

Hi again, everyone! 

I haven't been around lately, because although you guys are wonderful and supportive, I get triggered a lot here. With the stress of work being busy again, I couldn't really deal with it. I could barely deal with work! Then, August came around. It's not a good month for me. There are a lot of bad memories, and a lot of anniversaries. But it's almost over, and I think I can deal, so here I am. I missed you guys. 

This story is going to involve (legal) substance abuse, sexual overtones, and bad choices.



I got stupidly drunk last night. I mean, full-on blackout, telling strangers I love you, "this bar is the greatest place in the world! WOOHOO!!" drunk. I was with a couple friends, and having a good time, when I guess (I don't remember) I decided to kiss one of them (we'll call him D), because I thought he was adorable. I'm in a long-term relationship with someone else, though.  D and my other friend walked me home, and (I remember this part) I was hanging on to D for balance while I walked, and he groped me. I was too drunk to care at the time, but in the morning, I messaged him to let him know that I'm not okay with him touching me like that. That's when he told me I kissed him.

I told my bf what happened, and he said he doesn't care. He brought it up again later in the day, though, at an odd time, which makes me think he's lying. We have a pretty open relationship, in all honesty, but we always discuss it first if we're going to do something sexual with a different partner.

I feel super guilty, ashamed, and anxious about the whole thing. I'm having a small panic attack just thinking about it. What if my bf is lying to me about not caring? What if he really doesn't care, and the reason is because he doesn't care about me? I feel really bad for confusing D, too. Despite my open relationship, and that it was only a kiss, I feel like a tart; like wanting to kiss someone I'm not in a relationship with is bad.

I understand how you feel. I feel the same way. I was doing a guided meditation the other night, and in it I was instructed to give love to someone, or something. I had no problem with that, but then I was instructed to feel love coming from it in return. Immediately, my defenses went up, and I couldn't accept the love back. I told myself I don't deserve it, that I will eventually harm the thing I love, and that I have to pay penance.

The meditation also said that whatever I was feeling at the moment, even if it wasn't what I was looking for, was exactly right, and to just sit with it for a while. I think that makes all the difference.

I lived like you seem to for a very long time. I was emotionally dead inside. Too much dissonance made me give up and push everything aside. It couldn't stay that way forever, though, and I would rage and sulk in episodes to release some of it. I couldn't feel until I decided to sit with the numbness, get comfortable with it, without judgment, and peer past it to see what lies beneath. It was ugly, and I felt like I was going insane, but I spent a few nights on it, and came out better for it.

What is your numbness trying to tell you? If you sit with it, and talk to it, what does it have to say? Try to feel the numbness in your body. Let it be, because it's okay. Whatever you feel is okay, because emotions aren't like actions. There is no wrong or right. So I think that you're right, it probably does have to do with your wanting to feel it, in some way.

Sometimes you need a break from people. It happens. Isolating yourself completely is usually a bad move, though. Why can't you pick up the phone? Are you okay?

I think knowing my family history does help. It makes me feel like there was a precedent set, and I have already broken it, so I feel that is an accomplishment.

It helps me relate to people. I can hear a story about racism and prejudice, and know what the long-term effects are going to be. Same with unprepared pregnancy. In fact, knowing my family history, and how things turned out, has solidified many of my beliefs, and has given me a base on which to rebuild myself.

It does have its downsides, though. Sometimes I get stuck in the past, and because I know what happened in such detail, I can get lost relating things. The past really does repeat itself. If I stopped there, I suppose it would be okay, but there is very much an emotional component, as well. Thinking about it can be very triggering. I have to be mindful, and consciously pull what I need from the past into the present, instead of getting mired in it.

Geez, I'd ask her if she left anything out.

That is an impressive list from her. 

Perhaps you could ask her if she know what projection is . . .

So sorry that you have to listen to all.  Hard to keep your soul from taking it all in.  But that you are looking for humor says you understand she is not to be believed.

How have you been, blue? It's nice to see you again. 

Yeah, I know I can't believe anything she says about me. And if you ask her directly, there's so much more she would say. It's hard to believe I thought someone who would treat me like that loved me. No one I know has anything like that to say about me. I think the worst thing I've heard is that I get defensive when criticised. Which stings, because it's criticism, but it's true, and something I can change. My M's judgments of me are ridiculous, and so they can't be changed.

I'm so afraid of others thinking that of me, though.

"My mother," as referred to in that post, is really my inner critic. But those are all things my M has legitimately said to me. Not so specific to the situation, but still...

Hi there. 

Jeff Foster sounds pretty cool. I do like his lack of jargon. It seems like he's speaking to you as a peer rather than an authority figure in his article.

Something I have a lot of trouble with is keeping present. I look to the future, try to expedite my arrival, and then burn myself out and end up in the past. I'm looking to break this trend. Thank you for the help in doing so.

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's difficult to process the fact that someone will never be in your life again, even if you didn't expect them to be. It's also really sad to hear that someone's life was cut short when they had the potential to do so much more with it. As a teacher, you saw that potential firsthand, and so it is probably even harder to get past.

The world is a dark place sometimes, but we have to be able to see that there is even more good. Many young people are growing and reaching their potential as we speak. You've helped me, personally, grow, just like I know you've helped others. Thank you.