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One time I was driving, and this powerful song came across the radio by a singer I'd never heard of before. After just a few of the words, I had to pull over and take it all in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlaoR5m4L80

I've always felt haunted by EF's flashing in and out, back and around, no matter what I'd try in an attempt to stop them. I'm sure there's a reason, as was said, and they're painful with a natural instinct to want them to stop. They don't, we wonder, but maybe it really can only be the mystery laid out in the song.

I have to say: What a song, sir! 

I always forget to talk to my T about things during my visit, and then smack myself upside the head afterwards. I could write it down in a notebook, but I get my best ideas for topics when I'm talking to my friends. So feel free to add your own list of things you'd like to speak to a T about, or comment on mine. Thanks for helping out! 

My List

Why it feels as though there is a battle going on inside of me, between two opposing forces, one trying to drag me down into the mires of depression, and the other that can actually look at the world without cringing, and find the beauty in it.

Family roles

Guilt because of conditioning (Every time I mess up, I punish myself. I'm like a house elf. ) ((Poor Dobby ))

The outlook on life of the average person my age

What inhibits me from being friendly when I'm not smashed (I made friends with an entire bar this weekend. Apparently. They all know my name, but I don't remember much... )

Trees, woodsgnome, stillhere,

What an interesting, and thought-provoking conversation. I'm glad I checked back. I have quite a few thoughts, not all of them as well-formed as the others, but I would like to give them all time here.

I have thought it might involve sort of offering a sympathetic willingness to just listen without cringing.

This strikes a chord in me. I tend to more deeply connect with people who are older than I am. I have a friend who is almost 50. Today, I was talking with her, and she asked about the scars on my arms. I told her I used to cut, and that I tried to kill myself. She said that everyone reaches a low point at some time in their life, and it made me feel like it was nothing to be ashamed of. She said that it's fine for me to have had dark times in life, and to not be happy all the time, because it makes me seem more real in her eyes.

Perhaps I have been very lucky in my life to find a couple people who have seen the darker side of life. I come from an impoverished area. Although the people I connect with might not understand completely, we can share our pain. It reminds me of a song lyric:

"Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."

I don't think anyone, even here, will ever completely understand me, nor do I expect them to. I feel that I am the only one who will ever completely understand me, or my story. Even when I make a strong connection with someone, I don't try to connect my whole being with their whole being. We share bits and pieces, and help each other when we can.

Sorry, for rambling. Just one last thought:

Could it be that, every time someone asks this question, that you want them to understand you completely because you don't understand completely yourself?

So far, being cheerful has worked, even though at times I've had to do it to spite my IC. Seriously, though, screw that guy. 

I have to remember that I don't deserve extra punishment for doing things wrong. I have to accept the consequences of my actions, but I don't have to sabotage myself to prove my guilt.

I usually either lie, and tell people it was fine (I've had a lot of practice...  ), or I tell people I don't want to talk about it, and change the subject so that no one looks too hard at my response (again, A LOT of practice). I think it's just one of those things that gets easier with time and practice.

I try to focus on the positive or neutral aspects of my childhood. Sometimes, all I have to say is that I've lived in Florida for people to provide the rest of the conversation, and change topics for me. I have a mental list of things that are safe to talk about. Probably borne out of necessity in my childhood.

I find that I'm in something of an interesting position. Since my sister is so much older than I am, I was both the second child, and the oldest. I was very much responsible for my siblings, and definitely more of a 10 going on 40 type of child. Because my M perceived me as so mature, failure wasn't an option, and I was punished harshly for things I probably wouldn't have failed at if I'd had a little more experience. My impulsivity manifests itself mostly after I've failed. I think I die a little every time I fail at something. Like, I may as well not be on this planet anymore, because what's coming is going to be unimaginable pain.

Good point, Southbound.

To clarify, I guess what I'm talking about is impulsiveness. For example, if my emotional state is dark, I want to be able to resist the impulse to entertain suicidal thoughts.

As a martial artist, I've gotta say that while self-defense classes are kind of useful, without practice, most people can't pull off anything new they've  learned under duress. In the heat of the moment, you react first, and think later. Imo, self-defense classes are counterproductive sometimes, because they create a sense of confidence which drives some people to stay in dangerous situations they would otherwise back out of. If you encounter a dangerous situation, the best defense is to not be in that situation. Be alert if you're travelling alone. Don't wear headphones. Don't carry obvious valuables. High heels, designer bags (especially if carried on one shoulder), or putting your phone or wallet in your back pocket all make you an easy mark as well. If your proactive protection fails, do what you need to do to get away from the situation. You're not going to be able to take down a fully grown man with the intent to harm you after 6 weeks of hastily learned martial arts.

Travelling with a group sounds safer. You're a lot less likely to have something go wrong.

Good luck, and I hope you take your trip. Sandy beaches sound wonderful. 

I hope you're feeling better today. That's a horrible thing to have gone through. I think you're really strong for sticking to your path. 

Many, many 

Hey all,

I noticed that a lot of the time, I do things because of how I feel, and not because of what is going on at the time. Anyone feel the same way? Does anyone have any tips on how to improve?

I've tried meditation. It should help by itself in the long term, but are there any other tools to break this habit?

Thanks for the reminder. I needed that. Splitting like that is really easy to fall into.

Sometimes, even when I have tools available to cope, I fall into old habits, because I don't have enough practice using my skills. Or, I won't have the tools to use the tools effectively. There's something to be said for maladaptive coping processes. They're really easy to use, short-term.

I have decided that, from this day forward, I am going to try to be cheerful out of spite. So there.   

I'm in a funk, too. They come and go, and they're something people like us have to live with. There are ups and downs in life. We're in a valley, but there is a hill coming.

Something that helps me, is to forget about trying to feel better. I just accept the fact that I'm in a funk, and go where it takes me. Ironically, that acceptance and validation helps me feel a lot better. Another thing I do is self-reflection. Say I think I'm getting nowhere. Well, that thought raises a lot of questions. What was my goal? Is it truly unattainable? If it seems that way, what do I need to change to make it attainable? What will happen if I stay where I am? Is this really the worst position I could be in? What could make my position more comfortable?

By asking myself questions, I turn a vicious and unending cycle of thought into something that may or may not be productive (I have no pressure to act on my answers), but is definitely more healthy than ruminating.

If your thoughts are racing so fast you can't catch them to question them, try writing them down. If you can't focus enough to write them down, think about writing them down. If you can't focus enough to do even that, take a walk. Go somewhere new. Watch a new movie. Even if it seems uninteresting, seeing new things forges new neural pathways. It might help introduce other thoughts, and slow the present ones down.

Feeling isolated is very common among people with C-PTSD. If you need a face-to-face connection with someone to feel heard, a T is probably your best option. I wish you the best of luck. 

I haven't slept much since last time I was here. I'm still seeing a T, and I'm talking with her mostly about problems at work. Talking about problems at work doesn't address the elephant in the room, though: my past traumas. I go into full flashback mode (which is what the sweating and shaking were about, btw) every time I get close to thinking about what was done to me. I have trouble accepting that these are really my memories, and not some story, or nightmare I went through. The nightmares have been constant, and vivid lately, which isn't surprising, given that August is when a lot of anniversaries happen.

My performance at work is slipping, and my boss hates me.

I opened up to my roommate about some of ways I was physically abused. I was shaking and sweating just remembering. Actually talking about it, I realized that a lot of it was more mortal than my young mind registered. There were many times when I could have been killed. Or maybe I knew it when it happened (I survived somehow, right?), and blocked the knowledge from myself. Maybe I closed my eyes and decided that I couldn't cope with the knowledge that I'd almost died on top of the pain I had already. My roommate was appalled, and said my M took it way too far. It was like being tortured. I never knew if I was going to be woken up by being beaten, I never knew whether my M would attack me, and all the while I was living in terror, I was told that this was what love is, and that love is wonderful. No wonder I wanted to die. If that was the best I could hope for, I was better off dead.

It's still almost impossible to connect the being that is me to the being that suffered such violence. Maybe that's why I have such dark dreams? My brain is trying to go through what happened, and the feelings that I had, and make me believe it happened to me?

I'm in such a dark place right now.   

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm sorry no one has apologized. That's tough. Unfortunately, in our lives, closure is sometimes not an option. We all, as humans, have this way of thinking, that life, or parts of life have a beginning, middle, and end. It's not a bad thing, to have a personal narrative. It's just one tool the human race has learned to use to make sense of the world. However, it leaves people like us, who have suffered harm, wanting, because there is no justice a lot of the time. We're used to seeing it in movies, books, and TV, and when reality leaves off open-ended, it's hard to cope.

I spar a lot to blow off steam. Yesterday, I was feeling really adrenalized, so that's what I did before bed. It doesn't really help at work, though, since throwing punches and kicks at coworkers is rather frowned upon in polite society.