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Messages - Cocobird

#16
Since my asthma was getting worse, my doctor suggested that I get a second opinion. So I went to a new doctor, who seemed okay. He asked me what my health issues were besides asthma, and I told him PTSD. He seemed to understand what that meant.

He decided my asthma was out of control, and gave me different meds.

When the appointment was almost over, he told me that I needed to lose weight. He gave me a diet and exercise plan. Weight is one of my worst triggers. I explained that now was not a good time because of my PTSD. He told me not to be so negative, and walked out.

I tend to have delayed reactions. I was shocked and angry, and decided he wasn't the right doctor for me. So I wrote him a long email, letting him know that he might need to learn more about mental illness before cutting someone off like that. I never got an answer, but it felt good to say something.

His office gave me a hassle about sending prescriptions in, and after three phone calls, they still hadn't done it.

I have a different asthma doctor now, who understands what I'm talking about. It's a big improvement.
#17
General Discussion / Re: What does recovery feel like?
December 26, 2015, 01:29:28 AM
I've had problems with depression most of my life. After a nasty crisis a couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. I was glad about that, because it made more sense about the way I was feeling.

I have gone to my therapist for two years, my Recovery meetings for two years, and on meds forever.

There are still days when I blank out, and can't cope. I used to feel that way most of the time. Now I have good days and bad days. I've learned how to deal with triggers, so that they don't send me down into a hole.

I'm adapting to the changes C-PTSD has made in my brain. I don't like a lot of things I used to love, and I now enjoy things I used to hate.

I'm tired a lot. I also have asthma, so that may account for some of it.

I do feel like I'm on the right path, and heading in the right direction.
#18
My ex and I went for counseling. I had gone through a major depression, and got very little support or understanding from him. He told his family I was off from worth because of asthma problems.

Therapy went okay for awhile, although we didn't get any closer. Finally the therapist gave us homework -- we had to sit down and talk to each other for ten minutes every day. It lasted two days. We realized that we had nothing to say to each other.

We broke up soon after that.

It was a while ago, and I can now see all the excuses I'd made for his self-centered behavior. My friends saw them long before I did, and didn't like him.

I continued to go to therapy on my own, and went back to work. The depression never left. My abusive mother was going downhill and needed me to take care of her. I had avoided being alone with her for years. I found her a nice retirement home, made all the arrangements, did the packing and she moved in. Dealing with her was very unpleasant. She was still complaining about things I did 30 years before, and made lots of mean comments about my daughter. I decided I would only see her when she went for doctor's visits, and that helped a little. But no one understood why I was being so distant, and it only got worse when I tried to explain.

A lot of bad stuff happened, and I went through another trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD because of several things that had happened over time. I learned about CPST, and that fit even better.

I have some good days and some bad days. This is progress, because all of my days used to be bad.
#19
Friends / Re: Losing friends and stigma
December 10, 2015, 06:04:05 AM
Thanks everyone for all the support and stories. I kind of thought I was the only one that lost friends. But my good friends have hung in there, and my daughter is great. So I don't feel lonely at all.
#20
Friends / Losing friends and stigma
November 27, 2015, 01:24:25 AM
I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago. Before that, I had a few major depressive episodes.

I had several friends who couldn't deal with it. One very close friend, who I used to talk with every day, completely withdrew. When I went back to work, I went to lunch with her, and she kept having to reassure herself that I was better.  And one man completely stopped speaking to me because I told him that what he wanted me to do was triggering other things, and so I couldn't have lunch with him 50 miles away.

I am trying to end stigma, so when someone asks me a question, I try to give an honest answer. This has backfired several times, but I keep telling myself that CPTSD is nothing to be ashamed of, and needs to be acknowledged at least.

Any suggestions to deal with this kind of junk?

#21
Successes, Progress? / Thanksgiving
November 27, 2015, 12:51:33 AM
I always have a problem with holidays, because they trigger memories of abuse. I went to my daughter's anyway, and it was okay. A few people brought up things that trigger me, but instead of dwelling on them, I focused on something else very quickly. My best holiday in years!
#22
I love to read, to this is what works for me. When I'm getting more and more worked up, to stop and reset my mood I grab a book I really like, go to a coffee house, and read for a couple of hours. When I go back home, I have calmed myself down.
#23
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Coping skills
November 11, 2015, 04:11:31 AM
I recently learned something about coping and self-punishing behavior. I lost my wallet, which gave me a lot of extra things to do, and I try to keep my life simple.

I was telling myself that I couldn't cope with going to get a replacement drivers license -- it's always crowded there, noisy, and can easily lead to a panic attack. Then I realized that what I really meant was I couldn't cope with that today, but maybe I will be able to tomorrow. I used to beat myself up for the things I couldn't cope with, and that made things worse. Since I've been doing this it's helped.
#24
Physical Issues / Asthma
October 24, 2015, 03:04:38 AM
I was going to a pulmonologist who never listened to me. My GP told me to switch, so I went to a new one.

This one seemed even less interested. He said I needed to lose weight. I told him it might be difficult because that is very stressful, and I'm having PTSD symptoms. He told me not to be so negative and left the room. I guess he doesn't know much about mental problems.
#25
General Discussion / Re: Telling others about C-PTSD
September 12, 2015, 07:31:03 PM
Quote from: Kizzie on September 11, 2015, 10:06:27 PM
Quote from: Cocobird on September 11, 2015, 02:40:02 AM
I told my adult daughter, who didn't understand at all. Whenever I mention anything, she changes the subject. I just don't talk to her about it anymore, but we were always close and now there is this huge barrier. Our conversations have become mostly superficial. Her dad committed suicide, and I think she depends on me to be the 'stable' parent, so she feels threatened.

Interesting Cocobird, my 24 year old son was just home for two weeks and I tried to test the waters by showing him this site.  He thought it was interesting, but did not take it any further.  My H and I talked about it afterward and we came to the conclusion that he is not quite ready to see us as anything but his parents yet.  He still see's us as his reliable, stable mother and father and isn't ready to think about the fact that we are humans and have problems.

I was a bit bummed but at the same time I'd rather not have him become uncomfortable around me as has happened with your daughter.  And I'm so sorry to hear that is the case  :hug:   Would she respond if you told her up front she can put this matter aside until she is ready to talk about it, that you are recovering and don't want it to come between you?

My daughter is 44 -- I just don't mention it anymore. It seems to be working -- we are seeing each other more now.
#26
I'm definitely an HSP. It was such a relief to read Aron's book -- it made feel that possibly I was an okay person, and it resolved a lot of guilt.
#27
General Discussion / Re: Avoidance
September 11, 2015, 02:45:57 AM
You need to protect yourself and your feelings. Probably better not to go.

My mother was only abusive when we were alone -- and this was after I was an adult. I finally made sure that someone else was with me whenever I saw her.
#28
General Discussion / Re: Telling others about C-PTSD
September 11, 2015, 02:40:02 AM
I've told a few close friends, but mostly I don't talk about it.

I told my adult daughter, who didn't understand at all. Whenever I mention anything, she changes the subject. I just don't talk to her about it anymore, but we were always close and now there is this huge barrier. Our conversations have become mostly superficial. Her dad committed suicide, and I think she depends on me to be the 'stable' parent, so she feels threatened.
#29
That's really hard to deal with. I'm glad you have cut her off. You need to take care of yourself, not other people who obviously have issues.

Hope you feel better about it as time passes.
#30
General Discussion / Re: Accepting the battle
September 11, 2015, 02:33:40 AM
After a couple of years of therapy, my therapist is pleased that I can accept what my life is like. But sometimes I have trouble with it. I was abused as a child, and a few years ago, because of the economic downturn, I lost my job, my savings, my house. It was a dreadful time in my life.

My life is very simple. I am retired, have a part time tarot reading job online, and am learning to cope better when stuff happens. I know my triggers and eventually, how to distract myself.

But the person I used to be -- full of energy and loving a challenge -- is gone. I miss that a lot, and there is no way of knowing if any of that will return.

I try to focus on what I'm doing. I read a lot, watch TV, play on the internet to keep me busy. It's not an awful life. I have a parrot, who is now 17 and a great companion. Still there are days when it's easier to deal with than others.