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All the best on a tough day MM, I hope it goes well. 

Tks for this FMV

It's a bit on the scary side to think that our brains may have been changed by the trauma we experienced, but understandable considering that with CPTSD the trauma/stress is repeated/ongoing and our bodies are constantly flooded with chemicals/hormones. I know when I have an EF I often feel hungover for a few days while the chemicals wash out of my system.  I also find that I can't think during an EF, it's just a big old mish mosh of strong feelings and this article sheds some light on why this may be so. 

The good news is that I have been reading more and more about our brain's plasticity and our ability to change/build neural pathways (e.g., Doige, N. 2007. The Brain that Changes Itself).  I think this is the basis of CBT and DBT which focus on thinking differently, EMDR which as I understand stimulates other parts of the brain so the trauma can be processed properly, and perhaps in the emotional grief work in Relational Therapy if Walker is correct in his book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving:"   

Verbal ventilation, at its most potent, is the therapeutic process of bringing left brain cognition to intense right brain emotional activation.  It fosters the recoveree's ability to put words to feelings, and ultimately to accurately interpret and communicate about his various feeling states.  When this process is repeated sufficiently, new neural pathways grow that allow the left- and right-brain to work together so that the person can actually think and feel at the same time (2013, p. 231)

Not having much knowledge about childhood sexual abuse (CSA) specifically, I don't know if these approaches/techniques would be helpful, but in the book by Doige there are a lot of examples of people who overcame some pretty debilitating problems (e.g., stroke victims, OCD and other mental health problems). So, for trauma in general they seem to offer a fair amount of hope.

[Journal excerpt: Coming to terms with my condition...]

The following is an excerpt from an interesting site called Stoning Demons (http://stoningdemons.wordpress.com/ ) by writer Kimberly Callis who suffers from CPTSD:


Journal excerpt: Coming to terms with my condition...

May 23, 2014 - I wrote this as I was learning more about Complex PTSD and coming to accept my illness.  This short journal entry helped me focus on my recovery with a sense of balance.  I didn't expect it to be easy, but I did expect to get somewhere... Looking back, I see that I have accomplished most of the objectives I had.  I'm still growing and still getting my life back on track, but I have made some progress.

I have an illness. I am dealing with it and it will take time.

My illness has caused some changes in my life.

Recovery is not only possible... it will significantly improve my way of living.

I deserve the time, space and resources to recover.

I am responsible for seeing that I receive the right treatment and care.

Recovery will be emotional. I am responsible for my emotions and will be respectful of others and myself during my recovery process.

My recovery will shape my understanding of myself, of life and of others as I moved forward.

My recovery will require me to focus on my physical health as well.

I will not stop. Sometimes I may need a break, but I will not stop getting better.

I will make it through this and create a life of my own design.

[Journal excerpt: Coming to terms with my condition...]

The following is an excerpt from a site called Stoning Demons (http://stoningdemons.wordpress.com/ ) by Kimberly Callis who suffers from CPTSD and uses journaling as a tool in her recovery.

Journal excerpt: Coming to terms with my condition...

May 23, 2014 - I wrote this as I was learning more about Complex PTSD and coming to accept my illness.  This short journal entry helped me focus on my recovery with a sense of balance.  I didn't expect it to be easy, but I did expect to get somewhere... Looking back, I see that I have accomplished most of the objectives I had.  I'm still growing and still getting my life back on track, but I have made some progress.

I have an illness. I am dealing with it and it will take time.

My illness has caused some changes in my life.

Recovery is not only possible... it will significantly improve my way of living.

I deserve the time, space and resources to recover.

I am responsible for seeing that I receive the right treatment and care.

Recovery will be emotional. I am responsible for my emotions and will be respectful of others and myself during my recovery process.

My recovery will shape my understanding of myself, of life and of others as I moved forward.

My recovery will require me to focus on my physical health as well.

I will not stop. Sometimes I may need a break, but I will not stop getting better.

I will make it through this and create a life of my own design.

I posted this under "Resources" but thought it might be good here as well.

http://ourhealth.org.au/stories/complex-ptsd-breaking-silence-fringe-dweller

This article "Complex PTSD - Breaking the silence of the Fringe Dweller" is by an Australian woman Jacqueline King, who suffers from CPTSD and found her way out of the storm through art, in her case glass art and sculpting:

I came to glass as a form of therapy and never having showed any meaningful creative talent in the past. It taught me to breath, to be still, to develop patience, to see beauty in and around me. It offered me peace and meditation, a sense of the power of the present moment. It ultimately became my obsession & my salvation.... My arts practice offered playfulness, imagination, colour and ultimately the reformation of a new identity, a new me...a mosaic from all the shattered parts of me...from business executive to glass artist who is even brave enough now to speak as an advocate for others with CPTSD.

This article "Complex PTSD - Breaking the silence of the Fringe Dweller" is by an Australian woman Jacqueline King, who suffers from CPTSD and found her way out of the storm through art, in her case glass art and sculpting:

I came to glass as a form of therapy and never having showed any meaningful creative talent in the past. It taught me to breath, to be still, to develop patience, to see beauty in and around me. It offered me peace and meditation, a sense of the power of the present moment. It ultimately became my obsession & my salvation.... My arts practice offered playfulness, imagination, colour and ultimately the reformation of a new identity, a new me...a mosaic from all the shattered parts of me...from business executive to glass artist who is even brave enough now to speak as an advocate for others with CPTSD.

http://ourhealth.org.au/stories/complex-ptsd-breaking-silence-fringe-dweller

Hi and welcome to OOTS Nettiemarie, glad you found your way here.  I was the Scapegoat (and Lost Child) in my family too and while it was no picnic (wouldn't be here if it had of been), I'd rather be that to the Golden Child.  My GCB has uNPD I think because he was always told he was special, could do no wrong and was entitled which to my mind can lead to the development of his  personality disorder.  I see that there's a path out of this CPTSD whereas so many PDs, especially NPD are treatment resistant. How did your siblings fare?

Has belonging to OOTF helped with your parents PD behav?  It helped me so much, and actually I don't think I could have turned my attention to my CPTSD if I hadn't first come out of the FOG.

Looking forward to chatting 

I had to be really really nice to myself - like I was the most important and most precious person in the world. I had to get out of the house every day and force myself to do/buy something which I would normally enjoy and feel it/them.

KF, tks so much for posting this - it speaks so clearly to our need to be kind, patient, and loving with our selves. 

Maybe like me you will have to put your emeshment on the back burner until you get so other support system in place.

Some good advice from Badmemories Emotional Overload.  Perhaps instead of feeling badly about being enmeshed, try to let it go for now and just focus on doing more for you. You may find the enmeshment starts to take care of yourself. 

I attend a support group (going today as a matter of fact) for people with a mood disorder and it helps.  Is there something like that in your area perhaps?  I love the online forums and all the support and information and encouragement, but it's nice to get an actual hug or smile once in a while.

And do you have any interests that would take you out of the house, that you would enjoy (it can be anything from small to large), and that would help you to focus on you rather than your M? 

My uNPDM who is ground zero for my CPTSD came for a visit in June, not all that long after I went through a really bad stretch and surprise, surprise it actually went quite well. I didn't have a single EF and that's a first in my 58 years.  WE have lots of techniques in palce now for dealing with her, but the main one this time was that my H and I made sure that we always had something in the day that made us happy so if she got on a roll we were not just simmering and sidestepping the PD behav, we had something for ourselves. And it worked! 

So if you want to brainstorm some ideas here I'm sure we can help to get the "It's all about me for a change" juices flowing 

[to realize that I was a product of the abuse not a cause of it!]

@Kizzy, the word defective hit a thread in MY mind. When I was a child at school I was bullied continuously. Defective was one of the words the children used to call me. LOL

Plastic.. retarded.....dumb....stupid.....dwarf..( i am short.)
I don't think much about being bullied at school. Really NOW it is one thing that tells me that the problems of MY family wore on me at such a young age!  When I look at school pictures when I was young I LOOK VERY SAD!  That is healing for me also... to realize that I was a product of the abuse not a cause of it!

Well said BadMemories!  That is a big part of what being here is all about I think - getting that younger us to realize we were most definitely NOT the cause.  Great mantra for the inner child     

You're most welcome Hopeless.  Here's a link to Walker's site if you want to start having a look at some of his writing - http://www.pete-walker.com/

[Hopeless]

Hey Hopeless - not a great way to start the recovery process believe me - it was that awful that I'm happy never to drink again, ever.  As EO suggests, alcohol was more a medication to numb myself which I guess is why I don't crave it now.  What really makes a difference is that I know what an EF is.  They used to scare me silly and they still do -- like getting anxious about a panic attack, but at least I know what's going on and I didn't before so started to drink.

Meds are a bit of a crap shoot aren't they EO?  Wellbutrin ramped my anxiety up so high, as did Ativan and Clonazepam, but Celexa?  In a word, wow. I hope you get your meds sorted out, they really helped me but they're not for everyone.  If I could do this without meds I would but for me I don't think that's going to happen.

I also tried EMDR and had a major panic attack after each - to be fair that was in the throes of my downhill slide and I did not tell the EMDR T that I was having as a bad time as I was - another "don't' do this" lesson lol. How do find the EMDR EO? 

Relational therapy is just talk therapy really, but with a focus on the relationship between the T and you - s/he is a model for a healthy, open relationship that you can try in IRL once that all important trust is built(and of course that usually takes some time because of the trauma).  This is from Walker and other articles I've read by the way, I'm certainly no expert.  Anyway, the T serves as part of the "reparenting committee" and helps to build trust and advocate for you and your right to grieve, be anger and heal (as I understand it).  Are you finding you're comfortable with your T?  So many of us have difficulty finding just that right T because of our distrust.

Hi Hopeless and welcome to OOTF, glad you found your way here 

You've taken a big step by reaching out so kudos!  You don't sound crazy, not to worry - we are here because we live in a storm of sorts, confusing feelings and thoughts that stem from trauma, past and/or present.    We're bound to feel like we're not making sense but that's the beauty of a web site like this - everyone gets it so even when you think you're babbling, you're not, you're just describing that inner storm

Trust is a huge issue for most of us, having been subjected to abuse/neglect and it makes sense really not to trust - it protects us except that as you it is so very lonely.  Posting here is one step to coming out of isolation - it may be that you will get more comfortable talking about CPTSD to the point where you can give therapy another try.  Once you begin to champion yourself, the people pleasing will fade.

I don't know if you saw any of the references to the work of Pete Walker, he's getting to be the CPTSD guru, but if not have a look at some of his articles at his site and see if they resonate with you.  A lot of us find we relate to what he says.

You deserve to be treated with kindness, politeness and respect - and much more too - love, joy, laughter, fun, and best of all being comfortable in your own skin.

Developmental trauma, complex PTSD, and the current proposal of DSM-5 - Article by Vedat Sar which discusses the various disgnosis relating to CPTSD - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3402152/#CIT0002

Just touching base Glenna - are your panic attacks any better?