Messages

   Ditto what BF said.

Yup, group hug time     

Hey SMG, sorry to hear about the interview.  I have a fair bit of anxiety when it comes to interviews too so just wanted to send you a  for the next one.  Hope it goes well!

It probably was a good thing to dissociate or distance yourself from your emotions in this case.  How did the interview turn out?

Hi and welcome to OOTS Homes     

From what you have said about your childhood and your current struggles, it may be that you are dealing with Complex PTSD which is somewhat different than PTSD (although many of us suffer from both).  Childhood abuse/neglect, feeling different from everyone, and reliving past events over and over are common in CPTSD. In any event, have a look at our "Home" page and see if either or both descriptions resonate with you.

A great place to start is reading here and also at http://www.pete-walker.com/.  If you do think you have Complex PTSD then please feel free to post here.  If it's PTSD then you may want to look at the site "My PTSD" at https://www.myptsd.com/c/.  Whichever site you choose, either is likely to help you with the past and present.

You have taken a big step by reaching out and I wish you well on your journey. 

Take care BH and don't let the situation take too much from you 

[Sent Box for PM's]

Sent Box for PM's:

Under "My Messages" click on "Read Messages."   Down and to the left there will be a button "Messages," roll on top of that and then click on "Sent Items."  Note: The only messages that are saved though are ones where you have clicked on "Save to My Outbox" when you send them (lower left of the PM box).  In other words they do not save automatically and unfortunately there is no technical fix I can make to this feature.

Last PM Showing at Top of Out Box

In "My Messages" click on "Preferences" and then check the box for "Show most recent personal messages at top."   

Hi Toby -  I have adjusted the filter so this should not happen anymore.  If you have any other problems you can always PM me.

Kizzie

Yes, we are going to get our jingle on that's for darn sure! 

Feel better Cat! You've been using a lot of energy dealing with CPTSD so a little rest wouldn't be a bad thing.       The book has waited this long, a couple more days won't make a big difference in the scheme of things.

Thanks for the support and encouragement KF and Zazu   

Update on the whole pension issue - we just heard back that my H's file has been expedited and we should see the money tap turn on this week or next. What a relief and just in time for Christmas - huzzah!

Hi VA and welcome to OOTS     

I can relate to what you are going through as I too looked like I had it all together but inside felt llike a total imposter. It got so bad that I started to drink (never drank before although my F was an alcoholic) last fall, and eventually that got so bad I had to reach out for help this past spring.  I was not one to ever let the facade slip but things got worse and worse until I had to let it go. Personally I think I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired some part of me said "Enough is enough, we are going to get help no matter what!" And I did. And I was scared, scared, scared I will admit, afterall what would be left if I didn't have my personna?  Well, in a word - me     

So VA, I know as do many here what it's like and I applaud you for having the courage to reach out - kudos!  You are in a good, safe place to try out letting the mask slip a bit and see what's inside. A good place to start is to try and hear that Inner Critic and to question it: "Is that negative voice right, am I worthless?"  Like most of us you will probably begin to see that that voice is not yours, but that it is a relic or ghost from the past. 

As Rain and others have suggested, here your voice will be heard - at long last. 

Many thanks for all your work on these summaries Cat!       and   

[Feeling "safe in the present" after emotional abuse / neglect]

Summary of Thread: Feeling "safe in the present" after emotional abuse / neglect, started by schrödinger's cat

Credit: schrödinger's cat, Rain

Emotional abuse and neglect don't feel dangerous. It's possible to recognize the danger in them, but it doesn't come naturally. The milder forms of emotional abuse are especially hard to recognize. When someone patronizes me excessively, how easy is it to say: "I'm in danger, I must keep myself safe"? Many people would see patronizing remarks as excusable, or as simply a part of life we have to endure with a smile.
A way of coping with emotional flashbacks is to remind yourself that you're safe in the present. How can you do that if the danger is so subtle, so hard to spot?

So here's some brainstorming on the issue, which may or may not be correct - see for yourselves.

Emotional abuse and neglect are dangerous because:

-- Children can't survive on their own: for them, affection, reassurance and guidance are vital. Not getting enough love feels threatening on a very basic, primal level. It damages our sense of self and hollows us out.
Things that make this worse (many of which are also true for physical abuse):
-- Children have no way of escaping toxic environments. We're stuck with our families, we're stuck with our classmates, we're stuck with the kids in our neighbourhood. There's no way out, no escape. We lack control. Lacking control and lacking the possibility of escape are said to make situations a lot more traumatic.
-- Emotional abuse is easily explained away by one's caregivers. Bullying is easily overlooked. Neglect is invisible and silent. That can make it nigh impossible to find help.
-- Abuse and neglect send us toxic messages about ourselves - messages we often end up taking on board. We end up neglecting and emotionally abusing ourselves.
-- We tend to unconsciously recreate the way things were when we were kids, down to toxic relationships and behaviour patterns. An emotionally abused and/or neglected child will later drift into friendships with abusive, neglecting people.

How do we protect ourselves from all this?

-- As a grown-up, I'm no longer stuck in my family without any means of escaping. I'm no longer stuck with the kids from my class and neighbourhood. I can create my own social environment.
-- If someone is emotionally abusive or very withholding, I can distance myself from them. I can seek out kind, supportive people instead. I have a choice.
-- I now know some basic techniques for controlling social interactions: Medium Chill, some basic assertiveness techniques, making myself seem blandly indifferent (so it's no fun needling me), or ever simpler stuff like finding a polite excuse to dodge out of difficult situations, changing the subject, or using body language to make myself seem calmer and surer than I am.... Rain describes some of her techniques in this post.
-- I no longer owe an explanation to anyone. As a kid, I was expected to justify my actions and to make sure they corresponded to my family's ideas. Now, I'm my own boss. If something is a dealbreaker to me, then it's a dealbreaker, period. I won't have to justify it.
-- I'm learning to trust my own instincts, perceptions, and judgments. I don't have to automatically assume anymore that the others are right and I'm wrong.
-- I'm better at reading people, and therefore better able to spot signs of danger.

Nov 18 PS - I actually bought crayons for my IC yesterday and am going to practice letting her be her authentic self.