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You've dipped your toe in the water BM and that's great - kudos     Be kind to yourself and take whatever time you need to go the rest of the way.   

I'll add my voice here too Phoebe, you are most welcome at OOTS when you're ready to come back   

Tks for the links Flook, she does indeed sound like a lovely human being.  I was impressed with her transparency (e.g., hypnosis is not a magic wand and  takes gentle persistence), and that she prefers to teach self-hypnosis so that clients will not become over-reliant on her - that does so much for my sense of trust when a practitioner is trying to get me out of her office (in a good way).
 
I'd be interested to hear what if anything she thinks about self-hypnosis exercises (similar to the one at Uncommon Knowledge) specific to CPTSD if you're inclined to "gently nudge" 

Sorry to hear you are deflated BadMemories  but I also see that you wrote The best thing is that I AM NOT as depressed as I usually am... But still find Myself in a freeze mode often. (At least not months and days on end like I used to be!!)   so another    and also "Yay you!"      

Sorry BeHealthy, we've gone a wee bit astray in terms of talking about distracting ourselves, but hopefully we've ended up getting some good discussion about what kind of content grabs or repels us and why as it relates to CPTSD.

BadMemories, there are a lot of really good "children's" animated movies out there like Frozen (I think your GDs loved that one didn't they?), that Pammy Sue would probably enjoy.  We loved "Up" and "How to Train your Dragon" and am going to download the second one when it comes out.  When I watch children's' movies like that I feel like I've taken a deep breath and let go of all the daily grind of grown up stuff.

Last night we watched a movie called "Pride" which is a British film based on a true story about a group of gays and lesbians who supported a year long miners strike in Britain in Margaret Thatcher's era.  It was absolutely the best movie I've seen in a long time and I felt like I was floating on a feel good cloud after I saw it!  Very, very empowering and hopeful and sweet and funny all rolled into one.  Highly recommend it if you need a boost. I know I felt a surge of vicarious pride about our community here at OOTS and the potential we have to raise awareness about CPTSD. 

[You]

Welcome to OOTS Middleground     and hopefully coming here will lead to a much better future. 

I must tell you that I also had real difficulty writing or even speaking about myself when I was younger, so I understand what it can take to put pen to paper or in this case fingers to keyboard.  Many of us were trained to be silent so that those who brought trauma into our lives in whatever form could continue doing what they did.  Like you though, I was absolutely determined to reclaim my voice and eventually it got easier, there was much more flow and less dissociation.   

So kudos to you for being here despite all that you have gone through. You......are....brave       

I went through this too VA (a noticeable increase in my ICr's voracity as I began to focus on recovery), and as Walker and others suggest I would shout the voice down. To some extent that worked, but it was when I read a post by Milarepa and tried a different tactic that I learned how to really quiet my ICr.

Her post is in here at http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=410.0 and in it she honours her ICr, thanking it for keeping her safe when she could not escape the trauma inflicted on her, and telling it how much she appreciated it, and that she hoped it would keep her safe - but in times of real danger now. 

I don't know if it this approach resonates with you, but it helped me tremendously so I thought I'd mention it.

....wonderful, just so happy to be here and with my FOC and heading into a new year that holds so much promise and hope.

I have worked with several clients who were unfairly labeled borderline by themselves or others. I could however tell by the quality of their hearts, that they were not. This was evidenced by their essential kindness and goodwill to others, which they always return to when the flashback resolves. They also exhibit this in their ability to feel and show true remorse when they hurt another, as we are all destined to do from time to time. Unlike the true borderline who has a narcissistic core, they can sincerely apologize and make amends when appropriate.

Tks Rain and Mr. Walker   Truer words were never spoken - we are kind and caring or I don't think we would have found our way here.  My M does not look for help because she does not believe anything is wrong with her, whereas until we come here we tend to think everything about us is wrong in one way or another.

Great thread Kudzu and all!

I'm with all of you that in the end it's really about the healing, but at the same time for me there is an important difference. BPD is a personality disorder whereas CPTSD is a stress disorder.  The former feels like a sentence of sorts (something fundamental is broken), whereas the latter refers to psychological injuries that can be healed if that makes sense.

Last year I had a huge blowup with my PDM and out of nowhere I found myself shouting at her, "I am not a bad daughter, I am a good person, I am kind, patient, loving and caring. I would not treat you this way and I do not deserve to be treated this way" and marched out of her apartment slamming the door behind me.  While I was quite clearly angry, it was a big "aha" moment in that I did not rage at her or try to hurt her like she had just done to me.

And therein lies the biggest distinction between the BPD and CPTSD for me. She will always be punitive and vindictive when she is afraid or hurt because her personality is disordered. My personality, however, is basically intact albeit a little frayed and bent in spots, and with some developmental arrests that can be dealt with according to Mr. Walker.  I believe him when he says that all of our natural tendencies are still in there waiting to be fanned into life, whereas in PD I'm not sure that's the case.

FWIW 

Awesome WB! 

Ok I see now what you meant, you would have been in your head and less able to tap into to your emotions.  I have noticed that in myself more these days and do my best to try to feel rather than intellectualize - it's actually hard work but one thing I'm finding is that things are much simpler than I would have imagined when I'm not overthinking them. 

I was just surfing around and found this site called "Uncommon Knowledge" about self-hypnosis - http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/clinical-hypnotherapy/unloved-child?5719,  and an article entitled "Overcome being unloved as a child: Hypnosis can help you let go of the painful past and live life to the fullest"

Has anyone ever tried this product specifically or self-hypnosis in general?  I tend to be a bit of a skeptic but I know lots of people believe in and have found relief from alternative therapies and tools for recovery.  I thought this particular CD might be really nice to listen to at bedtime.

Hey Zazu - you talked earlier about the inscription on the door being "truth equals death" and I realized when I read it that that is what my IC believes or believed actually.  My IC had this deep and really frightening feeling that if I went up against my NPDM she/I would die, I'm not sure if it was literally or figuratively but I guess to a 5-6 year old the distinction is moot.  My M had that much power over younger me and I carried that awful sense of dread right up into my 50's.

In some dreams, he stalks me but doesn't know that *I* know he's there. I try to fake him out. He seems curiously dumb, for someone with so much power to frighten.    

In the past year or so I've been able to see how small and frail my NPDM is for the first time, and her power over me (or my IC) has diminished. I wondered if seeing your thug as stupid is along the same lines, that you are shrinking his power down to real life size?

And I like seeing myself as ordinary too, being "special" is not all it's cracked up to be 

[you are important]

Hi Lovely - I just wanted to add a  for you. 

Maybe being angry is exactly what you need to feel right now and you should listen to what it is telling you (what you are telling yourself basically). I think if someone were driving my car and had had spin outs before I would be quite upset. And if I didn't say anything because in the past that person has dismissed me, didn't listen to me I would be angry at myself for letting it happen. You would have been well within your rights to tell him to slow down and even to take back the wheel if he didn't.  It's your car, your safety and your finances that are at risk.

I'm not suggesting that you rage at him, but perhaps consider honouring your anger. If you lay things out in a straightforward and assertive manner it may do a lot for your self because it will confirm that you are important. And once the car is fixed you might take back the steering wheel and do the driving. It is your car, his driving has cost you dearly and if he won't listen to you, he should not have access to your property. FWIW