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I think I'm not the only one currently struggling with the temptation. Looking at my social media timelines at least, it seems like everyone's coping mechanisms are either repeatedly dyeing/shaving their hair, Animal Crossing, baking... or drinking.


I won't lie, I've jumped on the Animal Crossing train too and those clippers look more and more tempting...


No, but I'll stop making a joke out of this and just say it outright:


I'm really, really struggling not to drink and I've been sober for years at this point. I can't imagine how people that are at an earlier point of recovery must be feeling.
Especially with drinking being so normalized as a coping mechanisms, it's a struggle. How's everyone dealing with that particular problem? Got any advice, need someone to talk to, anything else you'd like to say on that topic?


Remember we're all in this together 

Thank you everyone, it's very helpful to have an outside perspective on this!

So we've been informed of the results, thankfully her coworker does not have Covid 19. That could've gone very badly... I hope people take this as a reminder to be as careful as they can.

Thank you, Blueberry. It helps 

We don't know each other yet but I wanted to say my condolences to you and your family. May your relative rest in peace

[*** Content warning for Covid 19, Chronic Illnesses | Trigger warning for death anxiety, anxious rambling ***]

*** Content warning for Covid 19, Chronic Illnesses | Trigger warning for death anxiety, anxious rambling ***


So, I already mentioned this in the Coronavirus thread but one of my wife's coworkers might have it. The coworker got tested, but the results haven't come back yet.


And I'm freaking out. My mind's churning out worst case scenarios like crazy and I feel like I can't even rationalize them because... well, a nurse on a geriatric ward having Covid 19 could absolutely have a devastatingly terrible outcome.
I'm scared for the patients... and I'm scared for my wife.
She's at risk because of her asthma and some other stuff. At least I can somewhat keep the fear at bay because we don't know if her coworker actually has it, but there's a part of me that's already very terrified of her getting sick.


I feel so powerless. I did what I could, I left the house 4 times since a week before my country had us go into social distancing, I wore masks and washed my hands and disinfected...
But I can't control that. I can't control that nurses that should know better have meetings for pizza in the nurses room. I can't control that some of them didn't do social distancing right.


All I know is that two days ago, we went to see her risk patient cancer survivor mother for mother's day and what if we got her sick? What if my wife is going to lose both of her parents within slightly more than a year?
It's such a terrifying thought. I don't know how we'd deal with that... I know we could, somehow, because we're resiliant and made it through so many bad things but... I'd just rather not have anything happen.


Like, I'm slowly learning to deal with the anxiety and all the stuff left behind by my trauma but... that's over. That's something I can (somewhat) rationalize as being behind me.
But this? This is an ongoing mess and even if my city is doing really well despite everything, that doesn't matter if her coworker has it and got people sick before they caught on.


I also feel incredibly selfish. Others have actually lost people, other cities are dealing with so much... and my 360k city has had 17 deaths so far. But it just... hits different when the virus comes knocking at doors so close to home.


I'm going to do some anxiety fuelled cleaning now because I know that usually keeps me out of the worst thought spirals and helps when I feel powerless (because I'm still in control over my own surroundings) but this... this really wasn't what I needed right when I was slooooowly getting in control of my own mind.


And I feel so terrible for being so selfish. Just feel like going to bed and hiding under my blanket but I know that just makes me worse, so I'm not doing that at least. Small steps, right?

Allie, I hope you can get some support and you'll be okay!


Of course, I hope everyone else will be okay too.




Just got word that one of my wife's coworkers might have it. Seeing that she works in a geriatric ward, that might be... very bad. I'm feeling pretty anxious and powerless right now and I can't imagine how she feels.


Yesterday my 60+ cancer survivor mother in law was talking about going to the Netherlands for a shopping trip because apparently she didn't realize that the borders are effectively closed. I wish people would just stay home if they possibly can.

Thank you for checking!


No, it doesn't happen if I cut and paste. Guess I'll just do that from now, if it's a Chrome exclusive bug.

  I hope it helped getting some of that out of you onto the screen. And I hope your journey towards healing will get a little less painful.

So I just discovered this weird bug where when I mark and drag a portion of text in my post, it'll change the font size of text left behind what I copied down to a tiny font size.

I'm not sure I'm being clear here so, as an example if I write


Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat, sed diam voluptua.


and then mark and drag the "labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat" part, this happens:

Lorem labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut , sed diam voluptua.


Of course that's not a super bad bug or anything, just figured it might be good to know. For reference, I'm using Chrome version ]81.0.4044.129 for Windows 10. If you need any other info just let me know!

Note: Due to my mother having been dead for the last 19 years, this is in no danger of actually being sent.
I am okay with comments, if anyone has any. Please no justification for why she could have acted how she did.


I'm talking about unhealthy relationships, neglect and general life ruining here. None of it is graphic enough to warrant a trigger warning, I think, but if I should have added one please let me know and I'll add it in asap.


----------

Mom,


I started this so many times by now...


I'm angry. I'm unbelievably angry. I hope you get the payback for what you did and caused wherever you are. (*. It's *.)


It's not just what you did to me. It's not just the fact that I'm 32, time is running out and I'm terrified of having a child because I might become you. It's not just the fact that I can't go into health stores or craft stores without panic attacks. It's not just the fact that some days I feel so fundamentally broken.


It's what you did to dad. It's how you stripped him of his chances, blamed him for it, made sure he would stay unhappy for the rest of his life...
Imagine how life would've been if you hadn't manipulated him into having a child and waited until he would've been done with his degree. It would have been two/three years and we both know that's really not such a long time.


But I wish you could see him now and see what you've done and/or helped reinforced because he has CPTSD too and had it before you. He has like, two friends and even that might be stretching it. He has a job he doesn't like earning money that's just not enough. And he's too old to be doing that, especially with the drinking he did in the past.
And he could've been an engineer. But you didn't want that, right? Didn't want him to feel like he was better than you because he graduated and you didn't.


Now, on raising a child... I don't have one myself, as I said.
But I've seen people interact with kids. I regularly spent time with the kids in my wife's family.
I don't know what was wrong with you.


The needs of the parents are not and will not ever be more important than the needs of an underage, helpless, depending child. *, I have cats and even then I do a better job than you because I a) make sure they have food they can/will eat b) they get medical care when they need it c) I comfort them when they are in pain/upset d) I treat them age appropriate e) I love them unconditionally and if they do something I don't want them to I try to understand why and fix whatever the problem is.


I understand some of these things are harder with an actual human child that has its own ideas of what it wants and has to deal with outside influences but... the basics are the same.
Honestly I think I've done more caring things for my cats than you ever did for me and you've been in my life for 13 years and they've only been in my life for 10.


I'm disappointed.
Like, I'm autistic, I have CPTSD and a number of things else wrong with me and I know better than you.
I have once, once in my life tried to deal with a child doing something I didn't want me to the way you did with me and their reaction broke my heart.
And then I fixed it, apologized, made it up to them and never made that mistake again.


You could have had that. You could have had a child that loved you, wanted to spent time with you and would actually be sad with no mixed feelings after you died.


But the thing is, I'm here, you're not.
And in a year, I'll have a kid. And I'll be everything you never were. I'll be the parent this child deserves, the parent they can depend on, do fun stuff with and if they like someone else more than me, sure I'll be a bit hurt, but that's what happens when kids grow.
You can't keep a kid 7 no matter how much you try.


Mom, I'm starting to have a good life despite what you did.
And I can't thank you enough for all the things I know not to do now.


Also I still kinda miss you.
(Also I kinda hope you're not really in *. Maybe purgatory, even if we don't really believe in that)


See you in around 50 years or so.

notalone, thank you. I think that's the most helpful response I've ever gotten to telling someone about this specific kind of sadness.


woodsgnome, thank you too. It helped sharing, I'd like to do more of that. Just have to get used to being "allowed" to.

[*** CN Emotional abuse mention, physical abuse mention TW mention of non-graphic suicidal thoughts ***]

Thank you to notalone and Three Roses for the kind words you offered, I'm sorry I couldn't get back at you folks earlier.


-----


So. Journal.


I'm having a lot of feelings today. It's May 1st, which means it's the 19th anniversary of my mother's death, she passed when I was 13.


I've made five attempts at writing this and I still feel like I'm always going into way too much detail, so the super short version:


*** CN Emotional abuse mention, physical abuse mention TW mention of non-graphic suicidal thoughts ***


She was emotionally abusive towards me and my father until she died. She was physically abusive towards me until I was almost 6. Her behaviour is/was a very, very large source of trauma for me.
She was also not okay herself, had struggles with depression and anxiety as well as having Lupus that was only properly diagnosed a year before her death.


I've had 4 family members die before I lost her too. Dealing with grief was... not done with grace or care in my family which only makes it harder. I only learned how to process grief last year, when my father in law passed away, at 31.


Being the only child, I was golden child and scapegoat all in one, sometimes the shift just took a minute. Scapegoat meant that my needs got ignored, I got ignored until I barely talked, I'd get punishments that would be lifted the moment I was back at golden child then reinstated when I did something she didn't like.


And I know if she hadn't passed away, I would not have made it until I would have been old enough to get away.
And that's the thought I struggle the hardest with, knowing that it had to be her or me. And the fact that, being the selfish human being that I am, I am glad it was her. I mean, logically I understand, no one wants to die, but emotionally, that's a whole different ball game.


So, I struggle today. I struggle hard. I want to write down everything that happened but that'd be 13 years of stuff. Some of which I'd just rather not remember.
But today, I mourn. I mourn the mother I had and I mourn the mother I didn't have. I mourn the mother I would have deserved.


And I struggle because I find myself censoring my words even now, even here. I'll stop here now because I've got this feeling that if I don't, I'll either write the novel that is the entire story of my life with her or delete this post again.


*** End TW and CN ***


I'm exhausted from just the general state of the world and all of this is just... a lot at the moment. But I think I'll be okay. And I think I'd like to start sharing more of my story here soon, just letting that bit out felt... freeing. Not necessary good, but freeing.

I have always had a habit of making stories in my head where I create a fictional character based on someone I admire (usually a musician) and daydream about a relationship between them and another character, who is not exactly me but represents me/my desires.  I think that might be similar?

I do this too! It was my main coping mechanism at... probably 12-18ish? But I've done it way past 18 too, still do today sometimes.


For me, it's escaping to somewhere I know it's safe because it's my imagination, so I'm always in control. Plus, making up stories in general has always made me happy, it's creating something that no one else can take away.

I relate to this so much. I've spent a long, long time wishing I was either dead or "ready" to commit suicide. I've never made a serious attempt for one reason or another (although my former T told me it counts if the intention was there, have a few complicated feelings about that but they're not for this thread) but I've definitely been there. When my abuse was still ongoing, I dreamt of not existing or killing myself every day, several times a day.
Like others, it got easier with time and with having things/people I care about. And, most importantly, getting out of abusive situations.


I don't know how it was for everyone else, but for me there was a time that the thought that I could commit suicide basically at any time for any given was a comfort and it'd go so far that if I even made the tiniest mistake or the smallest thing went wrong I'd think that I'd just kill myself.
And the hardest work was to "deprogram" that impulse from my brain. I'm not totally done, it's still there but it's a lot better. What helped me was first, step back, take a breather until the more rational part was able to step in and tell me no, no need for suicide because I accidentally broke a plate (or something similar), then slowly replace the thought of killing myself with something different (depends on the person and situation what will work) and only when I'd gotten a bit more stable I managed to examine the underlying feelings that I needed to deal with.


Self harm... was a struggle for me too. Almost 14 years.
And then I stopped. Just cold turkey because I didn't want to make it a full 14 years. I was dissociated a lot during that time to so... I'm not 100 % sure how I stopped.
Just know after a while, I relapsed and it didn't do anything for me anymore.
This doesn't help anyone else, probably.


I can also vouch for how therapeutic pets are, especially my cats are a life saver. Loving that tiny creature that needs nothing but food, water, a clean litterbox and some play time and will give you their whole love and affection in return is amazing. Even if everything else feels uncertain and unsave, I know these little creatures love me and won't leave my side by choice.

Thank you, san!


---


So, journal. Well. Turns out with the anxiety of my wife going back to work and the fear of sickness and death that triggered in me, the last couple of days were... hard on my mental health.


I've had an anxiety/mental health gremlin induced migrane for... surprisingly the first time in my life, at least as far as I'm aware of. It was very different from my "normal" migraines, the normal ones come with light and sound sensitivity as well as dizzyness but this one was painful, gave me vision problems and made me feel extremely nauseous.
Not a pleasant experience and honestly I was hoping... well, not to develope new symptoms at 32 years old.


To no surprise I didn't do super well on my to do list of the day, but I've crossed off four things. And I have to remember that if someone had told me I'd be able to cross four things off my to do list on a pretty bad day even half a year ago, I'd have laughed in that persons face.


Plus I was able to cook which is great because I couldn't find the energy or much less motivation for the last two days and cooking as well as feeding loved ones with good home made food is really therapeutic for me.


As far as this forum goes... I feel a bit bad for not having ventured out much beyond this thread. I feel a bit overwhelmed and like I'll post in the wrong place (even if rationally I know it's such a small mistake to fix for moderators, if needed) or... well, the good old ?? imposter syndrom?? not sure what to call it. That thought that others had it worse so my trauma isn't "bad" enough. Lots of hard work to let that one go.