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Hi Shaun,
You're welcome here as long as you feel you belong!

My brain often doesn't cooperate either, the problem seems belong to this diagnosis. Your English is really good. I wouldn't have thought you were non-native by reading your post, so don't worry about that.

Just one thing, I would worried about identifying myself by age and real name, or is Shaun not your real name? If not, then that's not a problem. Just a thought about being aware that anybody can read on here...
Blueberry

I've read your post a few times and I'm sad for you that nobody has replied. But maybe you're not bothered about that.

I've suffered physically under one brother, but it was always downplayed by the family. It wasn't 'real' and I didn't end up in hospital              so I get where you're coming from. Even if your experience was somewhat different. But it's still this physical abuse that's not really, really, really bad, not the kind of thing that ends up in the news, but still left an emotional mark, still left damage.
No, don't be hard on yourself for not realising earlier. That could even be a self-protective measure, emotionally-speaking. Especially if you were still living with FOO at the time.

If you like, then I'll send you 

Hi Mourningdove,
Sorry you've been dealing with FOO manipulations, especially that the EF really got going after you stuck up for yourself. But still: Congratulations for sticking up for yourself! Especially if part of you is still terrified of abandonment. I think that is just part of our symptoms / part of the illness isn't it? Part(s) of us still being terrified, I mean.
I feel for you.

Me, too. Most of my basic material needs were met. Clothing and shoes a little iffy, though money wasn't lacking. But feeling wanted, loved, protected, valued?? No. For years I felt so unhappy and alone in this. I have talked about it a lot and it's not really so painful anymore. YAY! Healing can happen.

I told her I had looked on you tube and internet search and she told me I must not do this as I will only focus on the negative results and not the positive ones which I guess in some way is true but I need to know what my next step is and that it is the right one for 'me'.

Eyessoblue, I have little alarm bells ringing in my head when a therapist doesn't want me to look up information about my diagnosis, my illness or therapy forms.

It sounds as if sanmagic was able to give you an idea that you can work with. So that's good! Step by little step we progress and move forward.

I know all about feeling guilty about expressing anger or annoyance or even just setting a limit. But I do try to keep going setting limits in the present and expressing anger at current annoyances. That helps to not add to all the stuff out of the past and compound the trauma. It helps me to not continue to feel like a victim. The more I practise doing it and not feeling guilty, the easier it gets. It can help to tell somebody, like post it here and we'll cheer for you!

I posted before that you might have another feeling under your anger, I wondered about pain. You write yourself in your second post that it's fear behind or mixed in with your anger issues. Based on my experience, I'd say be really careful and go slowly. I don't know if you have a therapist at the moment or are looking for one? You don't have to answer that! I think a therapist who really understood C-PTSD issues could help you through this. If you get enough ideas and support here in the forum, that's great! I'd be really happy for you. But it sounds more like a problem where a good therapist would be helpful. 

All the best with it. And keep posting if you want. I'm sure more people than me would like to hear how you're doing with this topic.

Welcome, Achelois!
I've heard that traumatisation is "a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances". I don't know who coined that.  We can't give you a diagnosis, but I will certainly say that that sounds like extreme emotional/verbal/psychological abuse, that went on for years as well. So I agree with Coco that with that on-going situation in your childhood, it would have been odd to not develop some of the symptoms you mention.
Anyway, you can join up here without an official confirmed diagnosis. I hope you find the site helpful and supportive.

Oh, hurtbeat, I'm sorry. That's a tough one, especially if you've already been retraumatised by a therapist. A lot of anger-defusing I've done has been in therapy.

Maybe with your dark sense of humour you can begin to observe exactly how people react to exactly what. Is it your tone of voice? your words? And try bit by bit to tone it down a bit, or at least in the company of people who object.

Also note that either on here or on Out Of the Fog (sister website) in the description of personality disorders, they say that everybody has some of these traits, so it doesn't automatically mean you have a PD. The same will apply here. OK, you and I and others here may have some N-traits and maybe anger comes out in the wrong place in the wrong way, but it's important to not go overboard on self-criticism or feelings of shame.

It's taken a long time, but I've learnt to remove myself from situations in which I tend to become provocative or am overly-criticising others. So if you feel a build up coming, maybe you can get out of the situation for a while?

One way I used to use to defuse anger was painting or colouring red. A few sheets of paper all red. There are lots of other ways, like yelling in your car, pounding cushions and pillows.

I've sometimes found it important to have a witness who validated what I went through and was feeling angry about. A witness in the present that is, not somebody out of my past. You'll find some of that on here, though before you write too many graphic details, check the guidelines on posting.

I don't know how many other people experience this and whether you do, but I've noticed sometimes that one emotion is on the surface but underneath is a completely different one. For instance under a veneer of anger, there can be a whole load of pain. Feeling pain and sadness can make us feel very vulnerable. In that kind of case, the anger is protective and it might be risky to try and 'get rid' of it. Again, in this kind of situation, maybe you need to remove yourself from the company of whoever you're with? Not necessarily forever but for a break. It's possible.

These are the things that have occurred to me. I may be completely off. Take anything useful and ignore the rest.

Welcome here! 

I haven't been here long yet myself but I felt the support right after my first post. I hope you get a lot of support and information here too. I'm sure you'll find that at least one person on here, but probably more, will understand you, whatever you write.

I'm glad you have a best friend in real life too, that can help so much in different ways to on here.

All the best!

It might be good for a while, to help you learn nurturing, but I think we need to learn self-nurturing. Also my gut feeling is one of fear that a therapist would eventually exploit that position. Even a good therapist. That might be mixed up with my own history and issues though.

I was seeing a counsellor for a while a few years back. It started out well, I got a lot of help and validation, but at some point whenever I was there I was stuck in an Inner Teenager, not a particularly rebellious one, but a teenager. The counsellor eventually said: "no way! Next time I want you in your Adult".
Then I realised it was impossible for me to get back into my Adult in her presence so I cancelled my next appointment and obviously all subsequent ones and wrote her a little letter with my realisation.

I can relate to your problems with break-time. Congratulations for going to the group at all, knowing that there might be a problem like that.

ChaosQueen,
I'm fairly new on here. I often read old threads. It helps me. Your post really resonates with me. I used to be really rigid and really strict. When people complained about this, I'd say they had it easy, I was way, way stricter with myself than with anyone else. It kept me going but it used up a lot of energy. At some point in therapy I stopped being so strict with myself and since then I have had a lot of trouble with self-motivation. Though it has been getting better recently. I hope this is the case for you too. Sometimes I don't know why it gets better, it just does, and sometimes I'm sure it's because of me doing inner praise (especially to Inner Children) instead of inner criticism.

Siena,
Thanks for your very long description. It really helped me to read it. It's not all new to me, but to read it all in one place, moving from one point to the next, that was really good for me.

Yesterday my T mentioned that I can't expect anybody in my FOO to protect me from anyone else in my FOO, that it's me who has to do that. I'm still working on implementing that, but yes, I know it's true. I finally realised that last summer. But still this comment threw me. I don't blame my T for saying it, I mean we have  been working on a major set of FOO problems including this since the summer. It's probably time for a few gentle suggestions.

But my inner critic goes haywire with: you're so useless, you haven't realised that yet (on your own); everything's your fault anyway; everything that went on in the summer (with FOO) is your fault.
I do see in my mind which member(s) of my FOO came up with these sorts of remarks even beyond my childhood. It's certainly not my T saying these! It's more that he's warning me: your family is not going to change! Your brother sounds pretty insensitive so you have to stop him as soon as he starts off with some remark or a topic: "NO! I don't want to hear it."

OK that's helped me to write it down, especially what my T is really saying. Before, I read a bit on here what others of you do with your inner critics but it wasn't very helpful, not at this moment, and nor were my own attempts in the same vein last night (basically shutting the critic out, even if just temporarily).

Having written that, I come to a new realisation: it's a question of shame for me. I feel ashamed because I feel that my therapist criticised me for  something I should have known. Since I didn't know it or act on it that means I'm stupid. And when you're stupid according to my FOO, you really have to be ashamed of that. (I teach and don't act that way towards my students, but towards myself, yes, well...)

I'm very grateful for having a place to write this, where nobody is judgemental. It's somehow different from writing in my own diary. If I'd tried to write it in my diary, I would've blocked far more, probably not come to those realisations so fast. Also I'm pretty judgemental towards myself. I hope I'm not towards others here, I try not to be.

[movementforthebetter]

Yes, movementforthebetter, it's called The Empire Strikes Back (the inner empire that is).

Joeybird, I try to do what you mention too. I congratulate myself, or especially an inner child or inner teenager if I can pinpoint which one, on completing a task, or just attempting a task. Sometimes I have to divide a task up into multiple parts to get it done. I used to give up before I started and accompanied that with a pile of self-criticism.