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gaahhhhh. yesterday was bad. I was knee deep in looking at the the whole story and just wallowing in bewilderment.

There's no answer to it, you have to get that much from it. People can be dreadful. They always will. I phoned the samaritans late last night, not suicidal but its important to k ow that they are there for emergency counselling. Sometimes all you need is someone to hear your story and confirm just how off the wall it was. And it was. That helped a lot, it was getting dangerously close to the self blame thing, and yet I'm not even remotly blame for what hit me, not even slightly.

Anyway, it helped. Today I start with my new counsellor. EMDR and all that. Yes I'm out on a limb, but it's my limb.

welcome to the way out!

recent thing I do is to have a list ready for when I wake up. Write down the practical and productive things you have got underway and then go straight to them if that vibe is lingering. Bad dreams also seem a bit easier if you accept that they are likely, almost plan for them. It's a way of taking control I guess. Never easy tho. Hang in there, it's just your brain trying to sort things out for you. The brain is on your side, even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way

54 here, I get it, we all do

you'll get there

x

oh don't worry in here, we get it all right.

So glad you got out. The transition will be demanding, troubling and a challenge, but you'll win. Don't let him define you, he only got this far by feeding off your strength. Proud of you

x

identifying with people outside of this is hard, totally get that.

good for you. great stuff.

I never had to call my darling brother out in public because he was caught between his bad behaviour and the public failure to back up his claims regarding care of my mother. This was then compounded by his online behaviour over the last very political year and suddenly, a lot of people who had certainly doubted my narrative for the last 20 years, suddenly saw what he is capable of. Once that was out in the open and people started talking, people began to contact me and apologise for having been so mislead over the years. Having since spoken to his ex-wife it was clear just how powerful his manipulation of mine and others reputation had been. But that's what they do isn't it? I'm just angry with myself for ever letting any of that stuff under my skin. Wasted years.

Personally, I am finding a very low dose (5mg) of Escitalopram really effective. That's if I don't touch alcohol tho. I can still wake with issues, like this morning, but I am much more likely to push forward and take action in my life. They increased concentration hugely.

Not long. I didn't really understand what I'd been dealing with until about 6 months back.
Be good to yourself about the perception of others, I find that on the occasions that I forget it all, and there are some, my two perceptions of an event can be light years apart. You can only judge yourself by yourself so don't trust it too much. Keep telling youself that the brain has been trained to talk you down, it's not reality. Reality is that you are a good guy who has weatherd too much and is seeking better times ahead. That will be the start of the road there. Keep on keeping on.

Hey inthedark, heart goes out to you. Life has been unkind but now, with the truth about what you are facing, you can turn around and fight. I strongly suggest you check out the Spartan Life coach on youtube. He's in a class of his own and can help give you that fire in your belly like no one else can. Zanex is a tough drug, there are alternatives, I 've just gone on escitalopram and it's very good at levelling out the peaks and troughs. Be kind to yourself. This is not your fault. It is not your fault that you are reacting in ways that scare you, yours is a natural response and you must feel free to take the pressure off yourself a bit there. Don't beat yourself up on top of all the other abuse, it's time to respect yourself and give yourself the room to adjust slowly and carefully. Take your time. Every step, no matter how small, is a victory against your past. You have a future, we all do, it's there. Trust me.

wonderful Eyessoblue. That sounds like progress. Let's beat this thing eh?

I'm fluctuating a fair bit. My counselling and maybe EMDR is a month of most likely but I'm now on meds, free to be my own person and when it gets really bad I contact the samaritans. Worth pointing out that they are there for more than suicide. Lean on them if there is nothing else. I find that they help most because every so often I need to hear from someone new that I went through something extreme. Telling my story to a stranger and hearing the reaction is a comfort, reassuing to hear that it is no suprise that I feel so bad now. I think many of us have had gaslighting thrown at us when we were asking for peace, its legacy being that we are never really quite sure of our own narratives going forward. I had four very messed up people hitting me with that for 6 solid years and I still find myself wondering if they were right, when I just KNOW they wern't. Any message said often enough will get under your skin eventually. Look at the power of advertising. Narcissists are very good at this, but they are weak pathetic people who are actually staking everything on your strength to save them from the world and all its responsibilities. It's a very strange compliment in a way, the parasite needs a strong host.

Bottom line with these situations is that if it isn't something YOU can solve or change, then it is pointless enduring it. You are not a bad person if you are driven to leave, the driver is. It's a very sad truth, bjut some things can't be fixed, and when that thing is a relationship, then it should not be endured. Looking back I can see that there was never a chance to have stopped any of it. They had no intention of changing, they had to stick to their own destructive agenda until someone got hurt, which was so going to be me. Left to their own devices they are living it out as if it's normal, let em. I am going to fill my life with better people now. It's time. I hope you break through soon. The good people on here will be ready to back you up, we all know this stuff better than the people around us. We learn, teach share and inspire. I'm yet to hear anything from anyone on here that sounds off, speaks volumes that we are all good people trapped in bad situations by less than savoury personalities. Making the change is going to be big, meeting new people who have warmth and humanity will be huge. Not all people are as dark as it may feel right now, there are some beautiful souls out here, and an awful lot in here.

understanding it is half the battle to regaining confidence. it does'nt go, it hides.

I walked out on an alcoholic and dropped what was left of my family and yes, the pain and grief flares, but it will subside and you'll be better off.

It's your life eyessofblue

put car into gear, foot on pedal....

Curious to know how everyone approaches tiredness management, alcohol, anti-depressants etc. I know this is broad but just in objective terms, I find that fatigue brings it all to the surface. Sleep in the daytime causes near certain anxiety attacks and I found anti-deppressants made life harder. Is anyone imposing a regime on themselves with any noticable results? I'm planning to start a strict no alcohol, early bed thing for a bit to see if I can mitigate some of the effects. I know this is all about how we feel emotionally but I am very eager to deploy any practical systems I can to flatten this thing. I'm just not gonna take this lying down. It's enough to have other people damage your life in the first place and another to let that result in a permanent effect. Has to be fought.