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I have read that MS is linked to either verbal or emotional abuse. I can't remember which. I think I may have even found a PubMed study a few years ago.

I've also read IBS has a strong link to adverse childhood experiences. It also is linked to trauma, I believe.

Hi, people

Kizzie,
That sounds very much like what I'm experiencing lately! I have also heard voices in my head but I never really talked about it much because I knew intuitively that it was not psychosis because I recognized that they were my thoughts. Plus, they would often give helpful observations. I used to dissociate a lot. Which I didn't mind but now I will talk like I'm in a trance during them if people talk to me but the stuff I'm saying is clearly (to me) trauma based, rather than an autopilot answer like I used to give. It's embarrassing but I'm more worried about people thinking I'm crazy because that's happened after I had a flashback when I was younger. Plus, I can get aggressive and disoriented during them, and they seem to come on suddenly if I'm stressed.

Is twitching and muscle jerks and spams a cptsd symptom? I've had the right side of my body lock up and odd sensations and muscle coordination so I was worried there may be something neurological going on like MS or epilepsy.

Flookadelic,
It is crazy! Also, I was raised catholic as well. My mother attempted to exorcism me and my brother during our teens  she would throw water on us and be like "Be gone, Satan!" It's one of the funnier memories. I imagine a rebellious teen does seem possessed to a psychotic mother 

It's nice to talk to someone that has experienced something similar. I learned at a young age that my experience was so out of most people's frame of reference that most people wouldn't understand and to not expect a been-there-done-that kind of empathy.

Overall, it was pretty horrible. I totally agree that was scary and stupid. So confusing and painful. The full impact is only hitting me the last few years because I noticed I was still craving the "father" and "mother" experience but I had to let go from the idea that I would get that from my parents. I've never been able to get a good answer from my dad why he allowed her to abuse us and remain unmedicated. Like with some abusers that at least seem sane in front of the father. I don't really get it. Noe that I'm older it really bothers me

Thanks for the welcome, everybody    I'm having too much fun with these emoticons, lol. It was miserable growing up    I'm LC or NC with most of my family so I'm doing a lot better overall now. I like it here, too 

I'm not as familiar with CPTSD. When I was younger and Googled some of my more dysfunctional behavior, BPD would often come up. I used to be a cutter but I also sometimes have episodes that are probably emotional dysregulations. I think I may have sensory processing issues or ADHD as well.

I'm pretty rational and reflective until I hit a particular stress threshold or are exposed to certain triggers. I also become uncontrollably aggressive for about five minutes on impulse sometimes   

I can also can snap into hating people if they frustrate me. I do split people black. I also can sometimes idealize people from time to time. I trianglate, too, but I've been working on that the last few years so it's starting to lessen since I began working on my assertiveness and boundaries. The interpersonal/communication habits have improved a lot since I distanced myself from PD's.

I definitely see some CPTSD tendencies, now that I read the page Kizzie suggested, though. I do have an unstable self-identity. I sort of have a fluid identity. I can be quite charming or fairly flat depending on my mood. I also don't date much. I don't really have a strong desire for a partner and prefer to avoid the complications relationships often entail.

When you say MPD do you mean multiple personality disorder? I didn't know there was a covert form of the disorder. I often feel like I'm two people a lot of the time but I don't have memory blackouts or different names. I do hear weird thoughts in my head sometimes.

Hi, People 

I'm on this forum to help me work through some emotional struggles I have from growing up in an abusive and dysfunctional family.

My mother has Bipolar/Schizophrenia. She was unmedicated until my late teens so I never really had the "mother experience." She would alternate between deep depressions and aggressive mania, but she was nearly constantly psychotic. She was also paranoid and violent. Personality-wise she is a waif/witch. She was very confusing and controlling. She was miserable until she was committed and forced to take meds. Now she is mellow and we get along okay, but she has trouble relating to me. I've researched Schizophrenia so I know this is part of the disorder that is not voluntary on her part but I still feel like our relationship is hollow.

My father is not diagnosed with anything but was her illness's biggest enabler. Despite her blatant hallucinations and delusions, he even allowed her to homeschool me and my siblings.   As I've gotten older, I see he has a lot of antisocial and histrionic traits that were hard to notice next to her issues. In fact, I think he may have craved the attention that her clearly disordered behavior attracted. He also has some BPD traits but doesn't seem to have the deep emotional turmoil that is associated with that disorder. My relationship with him is incredibly disappointing because his rejection feels personal. I don't see or talk to him because I feel a lot of rage towards him for not managing my mother's mental illness and his failure to protect me. I realize now, I also missed out on the "father experience."

The relationships with two of my three siblings are extremely painful for me. I used to be close to both my older brother and my younger sister but they both relate to me in very personality disordered ways and have strong BPD and ASPD traits. I miss the people they used to be but the verbal and physical abuse is too hard to take. Plus, they bring out the worst in me. It's become apparent that their old sides are probably not going to override their disorders, at least not soon. I have some hope for my younger sister but we've had a dysfunctionally codependent relationship so I think it's better if we don't continue it as that dynamic slips in inevitably.

I have an older sister that moved away from the family when she went to college so she seems to be the most stable of us. She has some fleas but our relationship is good.    She's been the most functional and successful sibling.

My family has multiple dysfunctional dynamics. There is extreme favoritism. My brother has been my parents' most enduring obsession. He even assaulted me when I was in my teens but it had no effect on his golden child status.

Ironically, my parents will ignore, encourage or reward self-destructive behavior but will ignore or sabotage behavior that promotes independence or success. Most of us have had drug problems, career issues, legal problems, rage issues, and/or abusive partners. It's so depressing.

So that leaves me. I'm probably BPD if I'm honest with myself, although I do seem to fear being controlled more than I fear being abandoned. I do share some symptoms that apply to ADHD, Bipolar, PTSD, and CPTSD. Most of the time I'm depressed with some CPTSD symptoms but BPD/ASPD traits will come out if stressed or bored (depending on the trait).

The BPD label covers 90% of my symptoms but I'm pretty self-aware so I've been trying to manage it on and off since my teens. I have a fear/hatred of authority figures so I've only been to one therapy session. I felt overwhelmed by it and reflexively avoided going back but now that I'm older I've been interested in working with a therapist on my issues. I noticed some improvement over the years but lately it seems like I've fallen two steps back 

Thanks for reading.