Messages

Hi. Rebel62 

Mental lists never worked for me. I would forget what was on there, but stress out trying to remember.

I love planners, though. I started using them again just for my college classes but then realized how much stress it relieved to write the items/errands down and not have to worry about forgetting them. And I got much more done. It's hard for me to lose them, too 

I'm happy you are in a better place. I think it is great that you are getting a respite from the stress. Stress kills.

And it is good you are getting to make choices out of a place of reflection rather than desperation. Desperate choices are usually only bandaid solutions anyways.

Hi, Contessa

Your welcome!

I am out of the situation. But I haven't really gotten over it yet. I'm still in the licking my wounds phase. 

But I agree with leaving on your own terms is important to how you feel afterwards. I've left two bullying situations, the first was empowering. The second is embarrassing, even though it was worse than the first, so leaving was a good choice. I have a lot of negative feelings about people and the workplace because of it, though.

I'm not surprised you are receiving resentment from peers. The abusers in my family prefer incompetence because it makes it easy for them to shine or blame their mistakes on someone else. Or they undermine competence.

I think a lot of people prefer to blame another person for "making" them look bad and try to trip up or tear that person down, than put the energy into reflection and self-improvement. And tolerate the pain and frustration of self-improvement. So they get jealous instead.

I'm happy the higher ups are appreciative of your efforts, though. I think this is a really good sign!

I think a good manager does not want to lose an asset. You may even be able to leverage this to your advantage if you need to. The workplace seems to be very political (for better...or worse  ).

I'm glad you are feeling at peace with the situation. I feel it is even more important to be "centered" when you are dealing with abuse.

Stay strong!   

Hi, people 

I've been having a reoccurring issue the last few years, and wonder if anyone on here has dealt with the same or similar issue. I seem to sabotage things that are going well in my life but it's sort of a barely conscious level. Most of the sabotaging happens at a critical point when one bad move could ruin the process, rather than early.

Like for example, I generally do well in classes. But I have noticed a sudden down spiral after my competence is noticed, or I'm nearing the completion of a goal.

I've sure this comes from my childhood abuse. My mother would get jealous of me if I was "smarter" than her, or more attractive. My brother dropped out of HS and once beat me (it was more like a bait then restrain type of weird assault) for working on an essay. My dad also ignores any independence or success, but is financially supportive when I fail in some way (he's like this with all my siblings).

He even refused to pay for my straight-A sister's college (by that point she couldn't get any scholarship) saying he had no money, but then two weeks later he paid the deposit and rent  of a rental house for my brother (only recently stopped paying their bills) for the next few years.

So I know in my family there is only room for one success (Dad and/or my brother), and that failure will be rewarded with love and resources. But don't fail too much either! Or you'll be ignored the same way being too successful is ignored. Then there is the problem of outgrowing my screw-up persona, which is probably related.

I stopped doing drugs, removed dysfunctional relationships out of my life, went back to school, and now I still feel out of control and unsatisfied with my life.

Does anybody have any suggestions how to manage impulsive self-sabotage? Or things that worked for them?

Hi, Contessa

I feel for you. This is an extremely stressful situation to be in.

I have been bullied at the workplace and even workplace mobbed. I'm glad you are channeling that negativity for your own benefit    I'm sure that is not what the bully was hoping for    You are handling it very well, in my opinion.

I really relate to your molehill vs. mountain analogy. I do the same thing! I also feel like this plays a role in the bullying. I personally feel the bully is threatened by either competence or someone who really sees (and tries to fix) problems rather than just giving up. If I see a mountain, I want to fix it. Not leave it for the next person.

But it tends to trigger toxic shame in some people, who then try to bully you out of the workplace to relieve these feelings. I also think some bullies are triggered by assertiveness and "see" someone who abused them in you, rather than realizing their own passive aggression is triggering escalating behavior from you.

Not sure if that makes sense, I don't want it to sound like victim-blaming. I think most are serial bullies, so they'd find (or make one up) a reason  to project their negative emotions into a target eventually, anyways.

Stay strong! And medium chill the whole workplace, lol! 

Hi, Kizzie

Yes, I've been trying to get my medical insurance worked out so I could see a doctor. I've thought it was psychological but I'm beginning to feel that it is something neurological that stress just worsens.

I really like the stuff you said about shifting parts to the self. I think that is very true. I really related to the part about one part being active while the others watch. That's happened to me a lot over the years. I've also felt that I just need to have all parts commune on decision making! Like all of me just needs to reintegrate after stress. Maybe trauma really does "shatter the soul," so to speak.

Rebel62,
That's good. I think it is hard to take care of so many moving parts at once. I also break things I need to do into a  list, and then work my way down. Otherwise I get paralyzed over what to do first and then give up.

Usually, it goes better if I set certain things aside for later rather than forcing myself to do it all at once. I've tried to just force myself but I've had breakdowns before due to the unnecessary stress, so I think it's smart you are scheduling therapy for later.

Not that you'd have a breakdown or anything. That's just something I tend to do, lol.

Your welcome

Yes, I have only started having the confusion about memory vs. dreams the last few years. These dreams are always really realistic. Like I may do something totally ordinary, like eat a bowl of cereal. But I have had memory issues for a while, so I think they are more related to those.

The wish - fulfillment ones are the best!  They are very vivid and sensory. I've eaten chocolate and really experienced it. I also make out with people a lot in my dreams. But some of them are more serious. I've confronted my abusers (or people who've hurt me) and gotten the reaction/response I've wanted or knew they would give.

I sometimes have nightmares about some of my abuse, but it's a lot rarer than my other types of dreams. Do you think the nightmare you had about your mother was symbolic? Like there are multiple sides (masks) to her personality, or she would use her flying monkeys to trap you (and her six doppelgangers represented the flying monkeys) in an abusive relationship?

I love analyzing my dreams. But I usually don't take mine literally, because I don't feel my own dreams are reliable in a factual way (most of the time). It's interesting that other people's dreams are, though.

Hi, TwinkleToes 

Hmmm, I'm cautious about taking my dreams literally. But I think it's ok to take at least symbolic meanings from them. I think ultimately only you can decide if your dreams are reliable at revealing your own abuse.

I think you are right that leaving your body is about abandonment. I think you may feel that someone passively abandoned you, like you were "forced" to leave by dying.

I know in my relationship with my ex I felt horribly abandoned even through I broke up with him. He was enmeshed with his mother, so there was no room (emotionally) in the relationship for me. He ignored most of my issues while I would help him take care of his, too. He was basically there for the physical stuff, but mostly neglected (or straight up rejected) my emotional needs.

So in the end I feel like he passively abandoned me first, but I had to actively abandon him by leaving the relationship. It still makes me mad, because most of the sympathy goes to the person who was left. Even though their behavior may have driven their partner away. This dynamic has played out in my family relationships as well. So they all cry abandonment even though the rejected me before I left. And I'm the big meanie 

I don't have very much input on the rape and death aspect. It does seem symbolic for dissociating your abuse, or even symbolic for PTSD. Like your not there but it's still happening anyways...? I do think it being symbolic for being dead on the inside makes a lot of sense. I like a lot of vampire themes when I'm really depressed or dissociated because their transformation reminds me of how it feels to have PTSD.

Hopefully some of that is applicable to your situation! 

Your welcome 

Yeah, it is really frustrating that our mothers can't be more nurturing. I think the feeling that I don't matter has been hard to unlearn. It's depressing when it comes from a parent because they are pretty much the only people you are entitled to receive it from. So it's a hard void to move past.

The pushback helps a lot. I'm beginning to feel that it is a necessary assertive tactic in all relationships to keep them balanced. My biggest problem is that it is much harder to pushback when I'm depressed and then people walk all over me    It can be exhausting to have to continuously pushback on people. It's necessary but so draining, especially with a PD because they are trying to unbalance the relationship more than normal people do.

But you are important! Even if your mother doesn't make you feel that way 

Hi, Mourningdove 

I don't let my mother get close enough anymore to do this to me, but I have a friend that does micro-projections like this to me. It's either demoralizing or annoying. Especially from someone you trust.

Your mother has ulterior reasons to ignore mitigating factors that affect your functioning (wouldn't want to consider she may not be the perfect mother, after all!). She doesn't seem like a safe person to talk about your struggles with. That must have been a painful reminder for you, though

Plus, let's get real. Everybody "picks and chooses" what they are capable of to some extent. It's only PD parents  that shame their children for this natural human tendency. No human is perfect.

Shame and guilt are what incompetent motivators use to motivate people with. Tell her she needs to "pick and choose" better motivation tactics. Or you could tell her to "pick and choose" her way into being more nurturing. Ask her why she can't "pick" or "choose" only one verb to shame you with?   

That's probably kind of mean, but I've found that some people respect your boundaries after some pushback. I've had a field day with some of my own mother's guilt and shame attempts, hah hah. I guess mockery is my go-to defense mechanism when it comes these type of comments.

Hi, Wife#2

I'm glad you feel better. Here is some extra electronic support 

And an electronic party that the offenders can't ruin for you 

That really sucks, though. I have also had meltdowns at work during  particularly stressful times in my life. I usually get very angry and I've even went on a rant before. It's one of the least pleasant events in my life.

I actually find that the workplace is very triggering for me, too. I have a huge thing about favoritism (unless the favorite is competent) and unfair/immature authority figures. So I totally see how being excluded and ignored could set you off!

This is really interesting to me. I also have dreams that have symbolic meanings in them but they usually are not the exact dream reoccurring over and over. It's like the themes/symbols will reoccur and I have to "translate" them to get the true message from my subconscious. These dreams often are very surreal, and the surrealness is usually the symbol.

Usually it's a warning or sad truth of some kind. I really feel that dreams are where we process trauma or other stressful emotions. I've begun dreaming (and remembering my dreams) a lot since I came out of the fog.

I have a lot of dreams with a wish - fulfillment aspect to them, too. They are usually enjoyable, though.

Are your guys dreams very vivid and/or realistic? Sometimes I literally have to check stuff to make sure it was a dream and not a memory of what I did the day before!

Hi, TwinkleToes

That is a really weird dream (especially the part about having fried eggs for eyes). Pretty disturbing, too. I wonder if your subconscious is trying to tell you something? Most of my dreams seem to have a message or wish - fulfillment aspect to them.

I started having more dreams after I came out of the fog. I've always been a very vivid dreamer. I've even had a few lucid dreams but now I'll dream about really ordinary, everyday things. My mundane dreams tend to be so realistic I often have to check stuff to tell if it's a dream or a memory, lol.

I think I process a lot of my trauma in dreams. I've had dozens of reconciliation/confrontation dreams. Usually I dream about getting the reaction/response I wish I could from my abusers (or people I'm upset with). I often feel better afterwards despite waking up knowing the dream will never come true.

I also have dreams that are unsettling or nightmarish. These ones usually are surreal but still realistic. The surrealness is the part that is symbolic. Usually they have a warning hidden in them. I think because I dissociate a lot, or when I ignore my gut feelings, my subconscious will try to communicate via dreams. They tend to have themes or symbols thst will reoccur until I get the message, lol.

The part about you remembering the dream and feeling weird makes me think it may have a message from your subconscious in it. Is dying or anything else that appeared or occurred a common dream theme for you? The worries about abandonment and justice seem like they could be significant. Also the fact that your remains were scrambled, I think is interesting.

Maybe you feel like your abusers abandoned you, scrambled your soul up, and then forgot about you. And you want justice before you can move on...?

I'm just throwing interpretations out to see what sticks, hah hah. 

I feel for you. This sounds like a miserable situation to be stuck in. Being stalked/bullied can be so draining and upsetting.

My PD bro and his PD wife are the most persistent stalkers in the family. They are delusional and think we have a relationship because I grey - rock them (due to past bullying of me on their part). I've tried to end it officially but the hoovering attempts were scary, or they just go into denial and continue as if I never tried to end it in the first place.

So I attempt to bore them to death as it seems they are too emotionally unstable for a "breakup", and boredom seems to be their only aversion. They really, really thrive on reactions. Especially negative ones. They really prefer me when I'm more emotionally expressive and try to set me off, if that makes sense.

I'll talk vaguely about my plans (lie or misrepresent them) and with a bored/flat vocal tone if I see them. I also avoid socializing with them like you, because I found most contact can re-kickstart their obsession with me. But they like to find out where I work and shop there     so I think they would move next to me if they had the money. Actually... they did move into the room next to me when they moved back into my parents house. I literally fled.

Which I'm embarrassed about, but it's healthy to protect yourself from an abuser and leaving is often the best way. Fear is not something to be ashamed of when you are dealing with a stalker.

These are my personal opinions, but I think you should consider moving, and possibly a restraining order. I don't know it you've heard of it but "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker really validated that the paranoid feelings I had about them were more rational than I realized. And that slowly "weaning" them off their obsessive contact with me was probably the best strategy I could have used anyways.

Thanks, people!

Yes. It's interesting how more jarring flashbacks are then they used to be. I think it may be because I'm more self-aware then I used to be so I notice the mental maturity shifts. I often wish I was oblivious to it, too, sometimes.

I think I was so constantly stressed out that there was not a lot of calm, mature experiences to contrast the flashbacks with until more recently.

I've only been to one therapy session, hah hah. I have done yoga on and off for a few years, though. I think that really helped me regulate my emotions more. I noticed books on assertiveness and boundaries really helped me, too. I always knew my family was dysfunctional but I didn't understand how entangled the interpersonal dynamics were until I started learning about boundaries. I've also tried all kinds of herbs, and alternative remedies over the years. I'm practically a     

Rebel62,
I hope you and your daughter are doing okay. I suffer from depression. It can be mind-numbing and I have trouble getting out of bed or even thinking/talking, but I've never been hospitalized for it. But I have noticed that it can be draining for the people around me because they wind up taking care of so much extra stuff. And I sort of act like a zombie version of myself, which is something I think affects people around me more than they sometimes let on.

Sorry if resurrecting a thread is faux pas.

That sounds like a discouraging experience. Sometimes it feels like any PD in a 5 mile radius can find me and I will happily befriend them, hah hah. Or I "pull" the PD out of people   

So I personally do feel like I may  behave in ways that either attract them, or allow the relationship to continue. I don't consider objectively looking at your own contribution to the situation victim-blaming.

But I think you actually handled this well even if emotionally it feels Iike you didn't. It sounds like you befriended a person/s, discovered they have emotional/behavioral issues that are harmful to you, tested if they were willing to consider your needs in the relationship (sounds like they were not), and then asserted yourself by leaving when they showed it was going to be a one-sided relationship to their benefit. You protected yourself from further harm from these people    The fact you recognized their harmfulness to you, and then ended the relationships (despite feeling fear and uncertainty) sounds like major progress to me 

I usually feel very down on myself for leaving a situation. I felt ashamed that I couldn't "make" the other person treat me well. But I think that feeling is a lingering effect of being told I "made" my mother scream at me or "made" my brother hit me. Like I have this magical power to "make" people feel or do things.

Working on my boundaries has really helped me, too. I find that I'm mostly normal around other people with good boundaries and assertiveness but I will slip into either an overly compliant or an overly demanding role with other people with poor boundaries. It's something I'm still working on.

I like to think I learned bad habits that I need to practice regularly to change. Unfortunately, some habits are slower to change because there's less chances to practice! So I personally think isolating yourself might make this problem worse, if it cuts you off from people who are willing to respect you and your boundaries when you try to assert yourself.