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Lindsey,

I used to be a cutter. I don't self harm very often anymore, but I still scratch parts of my body way too intensely sometimes. I personally still think self harm is a very effective way to relieve emotions, but I agree the aftereffects are not pretty. 

I like how everyone is throwing out their self-soothing hobbies, lol. Now I want to try ceramics and coloring books (I secretly was very interested in them, lol). I have a barbie I dress and pose sometimes. I used to play a lot of RPGs, but I need to find a new game to beat... I can tell myself it's stress management 

Hi, Contessa

Well, I had a precalc quiz today and I think it went well     I at least was able to work the problems out, and I think some of them were correct, lol. The last two quizzes, I was unable to remember stuff clearly enough to use it to work problems out, and I knew they were all wrong.

It's interesting you mention being unable to have a conversation about the content. I seem to have something similar when I'm learning. If I'm learning something "dense" like math or science, I tend to be almost nonverbal to absorb the information. Sort of mentally blank, too.

People will ask me questions but I'm often unable to answer or need it repeated as my brain switches back into social mode, lol. And I don't understand the content until I go home and try to do the homework. I also write things down, and have no comprehension (especially if someone is talking while I'm taking notes)   

I kind of think it may be an alternative  learning style from the norm, or maybe learning disability related. I have a lot of LD signs. It's interesting you mention you didn't always have these learning issues. I remember having some of these issues since childhood, but I've always wondered if some LD's might be trauma-related.

I don't know if my fatigue is medication-related, but I know it's stressed-related. I want to see a doctor because I think it may be a medical issue. I have a lot of joint pain and stuff, too. I definitely want to try therapy, I wonder if some of the fatigue is more about a backlog of emotions that need to be processed.

I liked the video link. I think I'm going to watch more of Tania Windigger's videos 

Hi, fog 

I've been in your shoes, and I think it causes cptsd.

I personally think it is abusive to leave children around an unmedicated person w/ psychosis, and even medicated schizophrenics often have severe problems with how they relate to their children because of the way the disorder affects their brains. So I definitely think "just" having a psychotic mother can be extremely traumatic.

My mother has schizophrenia. She also had bipolar mood swings, so she would veer from intense agitation and aggression to mind-numbing depressions but she was rarely not psychotic. It's nice in a perverse way, to know you know what a screaming fit is, lol. It was very scary to listen to her side of the conversation as the voices in her head basically tortured her. It's like growing up in someone's nightmare.

I often had meltdowns (I still do, unfortunately) and phobias. In my teens, I began to physically attack her back, or scream at her or my dad. But I had run away from or hid from her often as a child. I was terrified of her, and what she would do to me if I got too close to her on a bad day.



It's so hard to untangle which aspect or experience was the hardest about it. I've been trying to figure it out myself for years. But it's nice on the forum because everyone here knows what it's like for family to not feel safe


Here is an electronic hug from one COAS to another (yeah, I've been waiting years to make up this acronym, lol)   

How did you deal with it? I mostly read or played outside (away from her) a lot.

 

Yeah, I think I read in a book somewhere that it helps your nervous system re-regulate itself.

Hi, Contessa

I do have good moments of productivity. It seems to be the initial parts of learning I tend to struggle with. I'm in precalculus so they are introducing a lot of new trigonometry stuff that I'm having to memorize (ouch, lol). The first half of precalc was fairly easy so I'm hoping my brain just needs to warm up, lol.

It seems that info takes longer to sink in. Once I have a foundation, I seem to build on it as well as other people. Its the mental fatigue that is frustrating to deal with, and the pace of the classes can be hard for me to keep up because I'm usually groggy.

I think I start going to yoga again. That seemed to help a lot when I did Stats.

Thanks for the link!

     

Lol, the cycle of my emotions.

Hi, Sesame

I have mostly gotten over my confrontation anxiety but it goes into and out of remission along with my cptsd. I used to be very aggressive during confrontations or too passive. But I'm naturally more on the assertive side, which helps.

I've found its similar to phobias. You have to slowly increase your ability to tolerate the anxiety. So your brain can be retrained into viewing conflict as less of a life or death situation or a situation that is highly unpleasant. But just an activity that sometimes has to happen even if it is a little uncomfortable.

If you have a good friend (or person) you trust, I would see if you could practice on them with minor things like changing the radio, offering a contradictory opinion, etc. I think this works best if they know, so they aren't wondering why you are acting different. And then work your way up to harder conflicts

I feel your pain, though. I shake and become highly disoriented if I have to give a presentation. It's really embarrassing, and I wish there was a button to press to make it go away.

Sanmagic7,

I haven't read all the responses yet, but  I've had the same experience with yoga. The first time I tried it at 21, I found it very relaxing.

Fast forward to last spring when I took a different class after a few years of no yoga. WOW. It really highlighted the effect that the cumulative traumas have had on me 

I could barely follow the instructor, found it difficult to regulate my breathing, and struggled to do many poses due to pain or balance issues. It was not the relaxing experience I had associated with yoga, and I was secretly a little demoralized to see how scatter-brained I had become over the last few years.

Slowly, it seemed to calm my nervous system down. I was calmer, and more alert on days I went but it did take some time. It also made me yawn like crazy, oddly enough. But then I would be more alert afterwards, lol.

So don't feel bad about changing poses and stuff. I've done that during classes, or sat whole poses out. Both instructors I've had emphasized how important going at your own pace, and listening to your own signals is to Yoga. 

Thanks, people I think I kind of just need to vent.

I was feeling down and upset about failing another quiz. My math professor has been quizzing us on what we learn each week Thursday and I've been reminded of how bad my memory is. Plus, whatever I do remember usually is fractured and needs to be reorganizated before I can use it. And that's if the info is even relevant to the problem!

So I'm embarrassed I'm turning in disorganized, incorrect answers. It's like I'm overwhelmed by the information and basically drowning in it.   If I do understand the problems and what I need to do, it's frustrating to be unable to remember the prerequisite formulas and rules that I need to solve it.

And it seems like trying to pull the memory out harder (like struggle to remember it), just makes the memory harder to retrieve or it seems to disorganize other memories that have been retrieved. Like my working memory temporarily goes offline if I get too stressed.

It's really frustrating to have these memory problems. I don't really remember things in a conscious, exact way. It's like it gets put in my subconscious, in a generalized way. So it's definitely there, but I have to practice reassembling it a few times before it will be consciously useful.

It is nice to know I'm not alone. Most of the other students are memorizing things fine so I feel like I don't belong there or something. I'm tired of being a lifelong underachiever. I think normal people have to practice the material they learn, but I feel like I have to do it 2x as much.

I'm so tired all the time, too. It's like I don't relax or sleep deeply enough to really refresh my brain. It's actually gotten worse the longer I've been in school.

It's depressing. I even have major problems learning stuff on the job, as well. It's actually worse in the workplace because so much info is given verbally. It's demoralizing to run into this issue again and again; plus, people tend to make a snap decision that I'm stupid from witnessing it (I've forgotten how to open doors, multiply, etc).

To make matters worse, my life feels like a joke to me. I'm in my mid twenties and I've basically accomplished nothing tangible. While people I've gone to HS have babies, husbands, degrees, or real jobs. I'm worried I'll reach thirty and be no better off than I was at twenty-five. I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm lazy or not trying hard enough.

Is learning hard for everyone with CPTSD, or just me?

I swear college has been such a struggle. Although I like it most of the time, it's hard to get the grades I like unless I go part-time. But then even if I go part-time, I'm fatigued all the time and can barely remember anything I study anyways.

It's like I have no working memory. I've had issues with this since childhood  but I'm sick of overcoming things and putting a positive spin on it. It sucks. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot while other people study for five minutes and remember.

I want a STEM degree but I feel like I don't have the brain for it. But I don't want to switch to a different degree. I want something with the option of research.

Plus, it's like a personal thing. I want to be good at math. I know I'm never going to be Einstein, but I'm tired of being bad at it. And I want to be able to do cool things with it. I feel like I missed out on so much science-y stuff because I didn't understand it.

The worse part is, I know I'm not stupid but I feel like I'm never going to be able to prove it to anyone but myself. But I just can't memorize things as fast as everyone else. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Yes. I'm very much into physical comfort. I do these type of things a lot, lol.

I chew the inside of my cheek. Or I pet one of my eyebrows. Or sort of examine my eyebrow with my fingers for lack of a better term. I also pet my lips, lol.

It helps me focus 

Yes! I do (not as much, I tend to binge in cycles), and there were periods of my life where my drinking was very heavy. I also used to drink to get through family holidays. Like sloshed drunk, too. It was bad.

I've used a lot of drugs, but I can honestly say marijuana and alcohol are the main ones I've used over the years to cope with my emotions. Marijuana has been mostly positive, alcohol has had a lot of negatives but I have a tendency to binge on it so I think that is a big factor.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about using it to help you tolerate your mother for one night. I think the harm comes if you binge on it or regularly drink heavily. Too bad about Dry January, breaking a resolution would bother me, too.

Hi, bring them all in

I can see why you would have nightmares about teaching. I think teaching is one of those careers that people think is easier than it really is. I feel bad for teachers. I have a lot of problems with authority figures in general and I think some of my teachers got to experience that firsthand 

I think what your therapist said about it being related to your childhood experiences makes a lot of sense, though. Did you feel inadequate and judged during your time as a teacher? Or is are these feelings "super-imposed" over your experience of teaching only during the nightmare?

It's too bad a lot of people around here seem to mostly have nightmares 

Thank you, Mourningdove and Sanmagjc7 for your responses 

Mourningdove,
It really sucks having jealous parents. I feel like I can only win love or make them proud by hurting myself in some way, otherwise it's too disappointing to see the weird looks on their face when I am successful. Now I feel like I'm programmed wrong, and everyone else is running a different Success Program where you are supposed to be a little self-protective/caring and I'm still subconsciously stuck running some kind of codependent code that backfires and causes glitches in my life all the time 


Sanmagic7, 
I was thinking that it was like a withdrawal from the chaos, too. I noticed I seem to be more anhedonic since clearing dysfunction from my life and relationships. It's ironic. I can no longer tolerate the high level of stimulation from the negative stress but it seems like I need high stimulation to enjoy things. I didn't really expect that, hah hah.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to get people to reject me or sabotage my progress, though. It's honestly hard to imagine people loving me. I feel uncomfortable when they try to get to know me in the normal way.  I feel like I'm metaphorically trying to get people to dance a dysfunctional dance with me but nobody is taking the bait, but I'm not yet ready to adjust to normal relationships or something.

Maybe it's just a transition period 

Hi, Hope66

They are great! And I think that sounds like a wish - fulfillment dream. It's amazing how real a dream can feel. It's like you really get to experience something you may not otherwise. Like a personal version of virtual reality. I think that's a cool dream you shared, and you're welcome I love discussing dreams, I think they are fascinating.

Sorry you are going through a difficult time, hopefully it gets better!