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Hi, I felt I could relate to what you're saying. I've had very repressed memories and although aware I ve suffered a lot of abuse and raised by alcoholic narsacists I've just battled on knowing how different I am to everyone else. It was only 3 years ago when I suffered with insomnia and flashbacks to my childhood did I get the cptsd diagnosis and then everything started to slot into place and I was able to realise why I was like I was etc and huge family realisations where I would be the one protecting my mum but never got that protection or any love back. Been doing loads of therapy on and off and a lot of self help work on myself which has been really difficult. Now in a strange relationship with my mum, going through I can't forgive you stage and quite resentful towards her, I hate this feeling as we are both obviously older adults now and I know I should be able to move on but I can't, I'm doing emdr that's quite helpful at times but triggering at other times. I've always thought I was bipolar but have had the assessment and they said no as I ticked every box except 2, yet me dad and his parents both were so I know I definitely have traits of it. I too am in the process of writing a self help book I find journaling really helpful for me and if I can help others too then all the better!! This site is amazing and has helped me loads and I'm sure it will do you as well.

Have you all looked at the ACE scores? Well, according to me, I have a nine out of ten so that means I'm going to die early, have lots of diseases etc...;; ok, I have diagnosed cptsd. Depression and anxiety so does that mean I'm about to die?! I'm nearly 50, so I guess according to those results, that's It, I'm doomed!!' How can they work that out???

Lilytv. Yes you're so right, eft is really good though for changing these beliefs and helping you to realise that these needn't hold you back and other people's wrong doings aren't 'yours' and you can learn to move away from that feeling that holds you back. Emdr has been good too in moving that memory but it doesn't move the emotion whereas eft does.

Interesting one.... I've been looking at my limiting beliefs through eft and Cbt. When I was growing up I came from a really well off family but their choices on spending money wasn't good, alcohol before food, gambling the last penny. So I grew up in a world where I knew money was available but spent on the wrong things. When I was 9 my dad paid me regularly to do sexual activity with his friend, therefore I grew up with the belief that money is evil and I don't want it. I've gone through life working hard giving a hundred percent in my jobs but when it comes to the pay check, I don't want it, if people buy me expensive gifts I give them back as getting money to me is wrong. Through being diagnosed with cptsd I have so many poor beliefs on money and I too don't like it or want it. When my dad died I was next of kin and he left me a lot of money which I wanted to give to a charity or burn , I ended up giving it to my children and refused to take any of it, still now I hate money, my husband is the main earner and he can do what he likes with it as I don't care and I don't want it...... obviously this isn't healthy and it's one of the things I want to change hopefully through therapy if I ever get any again through the nhs, but I hate feeling like this but know exactly why I do.

Yes, this is my first memory too, and a lot more have appeared throughout my early life that I've been trying to figure out and deal with. Have you had any EMDR? This has really helped me to find out about what actually happened and yes it's not been nice but I have been able to process it and move on without it affecting me now.

Hi, I get what you're saying, but I also wonder, all these people you talk about that 'seem' fine, -are they?  I to most people seem fine yet if these people even my closest relatives and friends had any idea what I'm going through and how I'm feeling they would be beyond shocked, due to my clever masking up and getting on with life.
I think most of us go through the rut of life, what else could I be doing, the grass is always greener etc and some people who look like they have wonderful lives really aren't -robin williams- prime example.
I think it's. Easy especially in the medical profession to hand out antidepressants for someone who sounds depressed and we are very quick to label ourselves as having depression, feeling depressed etc when really we like others are just having a difficult time for whatever reason.
I've been on antidepressants for 18 years and for about the last 10 I've wondered why I'm taking them as still feel pretty down every day but I put this down to my cptsd and not actually having depression now, so slowly I'm taking myself off of them as I can't really see what benefit I'm getting now, I'll be interested to see in a few months exactly how different I feel etc but hoping I can just remove that depressed label I've been carrying and accept that it's 'life' that makes me like this in general. The more I focus on feeling depressed then the more depressed I come until I believe that the label fits me well.. I bet if you talked to a lot of people they would actually be feeling the same as you, there's nothing wrong with you, it just makes you human to think that there must be better and bigger things out there, probably there isn't but for you to feel more excited about life you're hoping there is. Most people I speak to talk like this regularly, it doesn't mean you're depressed though.

Memorex oh really that's great in Germany, but like you say a mess over here.

Oh wow, I could have written this myself!! Totally get this and am the same, it really affects me now as my bed is my comfort, my safe place all the time I was Ill people left me alone so I made a habit of being ill and like you got  so stressed and anxious I would actually make myself sick so it looked like I had a bug. But now a days this still follows me and if I don't want to do something I retreat back to bed and hide telling people I'm unwell and leave me alone, all these years later this is still my safe zone and is really unhealthy for me to do this but I can't break that pattern.not sure how to either, but just wanted you to know that I totally get it and can relate.

Sasha, sorry I realise this post is quite old but I've only just seen it. I too am from the uk and and battling through the nhs for cptsd. In my area I've been told there are no female therapists (which is my requirement due to my distrust of men) I'm about to be put with a trainee who will have to be supervised as she's not properly qualified, feeling like this won't work so am literally about to give up!
There are such things as counselling centres in the uk that offer reduced cost counselling I attended one sometime ago and paid £15 each time, if you have a look on the counselling directory there are some counsellors on there who also offer reduced cost counselling if you can prove you're not employed etc.  Again tho this depends on your area etc.
Trouble with the nhs they are so understaffed and no resources also you're only entitled up to 12 weeks which if any of them actually understood cptsd they would know that trust and safety are paramount i]and it will take at least 8 weeks before you probably even feel like disclosing anything by which time your entitlement is practically over. It's a frustrating situation with the nhs and mental health.

It's my last session next week, I basically got told if I didn't attend I won't be considered for anymore therapy within the nhs so feel like I've been forced to attend. It's totally irrelevant to how I feel or what I've been going through but having to sit in this group and listen to other people's stories and experiences has literally made me feel like I have it too even tho I never have before.. I've had to do homework which again has had nothing to do with how I'm feeling so refused to do it explaining my reasons and got told that I should have made an effort! Feeling like I need to scream and beyond frustration. Next week I'm 'supposed ' to be told what and who/where can help me next as they are aware the course hasn't been right for me. But I'm not going to hold my breath!! Glad you're doing ok tho, that's good to hear.

Snail pace; that's really worrying isn't it. These people aren't equipped to work with people like ourselves, not their fault but the desperation within the nhs to get staff to work for them shows that they go to any level. I guess in theory they may feel any help is better then no help but after my experiences of being in the wrong therapy or with a therapist who isn't trauma trained has been severely damaging to me and set me back a long way it's definitely two steps forward and ten steps back!

Hi, I just wanted to say, I understand, I've been put in group therapy basically to shut me up as nothing else is available, it's been horrendous I've hated every minute of it, I've been set so far back that I don't even know where I am now mentally, yesterday I had a complete meltdown as no one is getting it, I just got patronised and made to feel stupid which has set me back even more, I'm tearful every week and am getting triggered by everyone else in the group, it's my worse therapy experience so far.

Thank you, it's shocking how these ''professionals ' can act towards you, clearly they have no idea and wear the ;therapist' badge and think they can speak and treat you anyway that suits them- unfortunately not the right way!!

Sharp and blunt; thank you for that, it's really validating to have you here as from the uk and experiencing the same problems. Yes I do think these courses are great for those who are suited and I can see huge results in those that have attended, but when you have cptsd you're in another category all together and this is where the frustration sets in, yesterday on the Cbt course I had a complete meltdown and told them that this course was totally moving me backwards and not forwards, I feel like I'm in a far worse place Now then I was a few weeks ago. I told them how I was feeling and no one was getting it. The therapist running the group just sat there and looked at me and said 'oh well that's interesting ' and then carried on with the group, I felt totally patronised and almost disbelieved in the way he said it. I thought he may try to speak to me afterwards but just went on his way so that to me was disappointing.

I used to do this regularly when I worked, I gave myself a me day and used to enjoy every minute of it, I think we all should be able to do that every now and then.