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Messages - Sisue

#16
General Discussion / Re: How is Your Digestion?
October 01, 2016, 06:33:03 PM
Same.  I too, have digestive problems. 
I wonder what percentage of ppl with PTSD (or any emotional struggles) do NOT have digestive issues.  My guess is that it is relatively low.  After all, there is a significant relationship between our brain and our gut.  They share a lot of the same tissues and 90% of our serotonin is produced in our gut compared to only 10% in our brain.  Or so I have read!  But it would make sense why we have so many gastrointestinal dysfunctions.
#17
The last 3 years have probably been the most despondent years of my life, complete with months of suicidal urges that freaked my family out and I was admitted to the hospital.  The suicidal urges subsided and was followed by a year of severe flat line depression.  There was no "life" in any aspect of my life.  It was an existence just above the line of death.  I had absolutely nothing to keep me going.  I couldn't even talk about what was going on inside me.  Or more correctly, what was NOT going on inside me.  My whole being (physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual) went into complete shutdown mode.  I was being kept alive simply by the most primitive built-in  instincts.

No matter how many times I did activities, I never was able to participate.  I was an automaton.  Just going through the motions.

I am sure I would have benefited from the support I have found here, but just didn't have any energy to read or respond.  I couldn't even talk and when I did it was minimalist.  Think "yes or no" questions and answers but mostly just silence.

I am just beginning to feel like I MAY be able to participate in life again.  Just my being here is a HUGE step up from where I was.  I know I am not who I was and I have no idea who I will become.  I truly feel like I died and have to start completely over.  That, in itself is scary.  Add trying to understand the reasons and it is extremely overwhelming!

I could say "be patient with yourself".  But I won't because I got so sick of hearing that that I just wanted to punch anyone who said it.  Seriously?  Look up the word patience.  How can you accept or tolerate suffering?  Much less without complaint or annoyance! 

I truly have no great advice or suggestions. 
It's just less lonely to hear all of your similar stories. 
:hug: to all of you!
#18
Quote from: Three Roses on September 29, 2016, 05:01:47 PMwe can read the outcome of their actions, and our feelings about them

A painful truth.   :'(  I either... repeated the same thing or was not well equipped for another marriage. 
I have a multitude of past traumas that encompass every aspect of my being.  I am beginning to wonder if I will ever slog through the mess.  One step forward, two steps back...

I read the article on secondary wounding.  It really hit a nerve as I endured Intimate Partner Sexual Violence with my ex for many, many years.
#19
I'm gonna take the intro of Richard Grannon's video and pose a question.  He says the first clue that you may be with a narcissist is that you have turned into a detective.  I agree.

I was married to a narcissist for many years.  For all but the first year, I sensed something was off but any attempt to identify it was promptly put in my arena of fault.  So the turmoil began... Another bucket of stories for other times...  But I got out and moved on.  Or thought I did.  I say that because now I am in the midst of turmoil again and am wondering if I dove into the same type of situation.

Currently I am married and have been in the relationship for 5 years.  In a very loose sense, my current SO is outwardly very different from my ex.  The intent and presentation of actions is very different.  However, I have regressed in my own outward actions of how I am living.  I don't know if that is because of the current trauma of the relationship or if it is because I have missed steps in my original trauma healing.

My SO is supportive of me doing whatever I need to heal, but (yep! there is a but!) he is deeply offended by some of the actions I have to take to do that healing.  I understand that it can be bewildering and upsetting for him, so I am conscientiously trying not to jump to conclusions about his reactions.

I feel like my past has turned me into a hypersensitive super sleuth and I worry about over-reacting, to the degree of unhealthiness.  With that in mind, my question is:
How do I know if his actions/reactions are normal for a SO of someone with CPTSD or if he truly is undermining my recovery?

#20
I am new here and looked through many threads (here and on OOTF) as well as a multitude of other websites and videos, but didn't find anything on what to do when your spouse seems to be sabotaging your recovery.  Surely, there are others with this issue!  Please tell me I'm not alone!!!

Any threads you can direct me to?  Resources?