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I might have made a new discovery! Another chatty day

Last night was quite confusing for me, I think for the first time I tried to reach out to my inner child. a dismissive comment from my brother (kinda petty honestly) triggered an EF, and an unsure assumption on my dad not wanting to eat what I had made for dinner kind of pushed me over the edge. I ended up not wanting to eat and going upstairs to cry. but I started pacing and I thought "hey maybe this is my inner child feeling intense and alone and rejected, maybe I can say something to her" so I gave it a try and apologized. I realized a lot of my emotional suppression in recent years might have felt the same as how my FOO treated me as a child. so I ended up rejecting my IC. I don't know if I got to her but I did apologize, which made me cry even harder, and I acknowledge that I was doing to her what our (my?) FOO did to me. I felt I wanted to listen if she wanted to talk. I kind of rubbed my right thumb over the back of my left hand, to calm myself a little bit and it seemed to work.

A while later, I tried to write some questions and statements that I was there for her and tried to write any response with my left hand (a technique Kizzie talked about here: Neat Tool for IC Work), and I felt really intensely sad at "Hello. May I talk with you?" I wrote "I don't know. I don't feel comfortable" and I asked why and I (she?) wrote "Don't leave." I wonder if I was starting to lose focus afterwards or just get tired (I'd been up since 5:45am and it was almost midnight at this time) but the only other response I got was "clear sky," to "What do you need from me at this time?" but it was more so an image in my mind? I felt and saw a lot of images to other questions but nothing was written down. It was mostly colors (paint? did she want to paint! I did offer to say we could sit and paint and watch a movie, but that didn't happen  ) and images of the sky (sunsets, which I love) and clouds moving across rapidly.

Eventually after sitting with my eyes closed for a while, I headed to bed. I'm very new to understanding all of this, but I felt bad for going to sleep. I didn't feel any intense sadness (none at all), but still. I hope she feels rested and knows that I want to do more work reaching out and connecting.

Also! This morning when I woke up a few hours ago (so early still) I did some more research on the 4F types and made some notes about which type/s I might be.

Freeze Type thoughts

• I resonated a lot with the freeze type. very unaware of inner critic projecting onto others (friends especially, but FOO too).
• seems like justification to isolae myself as I can "predict" or assume others will do what I projected onto them
• a sort of "let me isolate myself before they do that to me, because I know they will, they don't ask me what I need and aren't around all the time" method. I did mention this the other day, and that I'd like to stop isolating myself out of fear of abandonment by friends. never realized that was my inner critic
• perhaps am closer to finding out whether I really do dissociate. (will save this for a day and entry where I can solely focus on this alone)

Fawn Type thoughts

• without doubt resonated with fawn type. I'm not even going to question! definitely me
• no wonder I have been feeling no sense of self lately. I think I already started grieving that loss without realizing (or perhaps inner child).
• I'm totally not very assertive, I'd rather listen and do what people I care for would like than request for something I need. all my relationships, while I feel I talk about myself a lot, I am thinking of others. what could I paint this friend? should I do this for that friend even though I don't need to? I hope they're doing OK. maybe I should paint them something to make them feel better. these two are talking but So and So got interrupted so I'll speak with them first. (though I'm prone to being interrupted a lot and I don't say anything)
• I think I still fawn over dad and brother. needing to be the jokester with brother who always needed something bright in his live (over childhood, it seems I was trying to become that person despite our age gap of 5 years (he is older)).
• and needing to be nice or the Sweet Daughter with dad (to make sure no danger/hint of anger). I've always been Dear Daughter, even these days despite the very low interaction we have.
• looking back, I feel I was such a servant to these two all my life that I truly did forget myself.
• I even still feel selfish and ashamed for thinking I should be more assertive and think about the things I need and want

Quoted from Pete Walker's site:

...and the fawn-freeze type who numbingly surrenders herself to scapegoating or to a narcissist's need to have a target for his rageaholic releases (the "classic" domestic violence victim)

This resonated so much with me! made me understand why I have once already rejected Pansy and MG's offer to let me move in with them away from this toxic home! And why I have not already said "Yes!" the second time they asked me (last month) Though I am still sitting on it. I feel a part of me will impulsively say yes but regret it because my FOO currently depends on me financially too. Ah.. but still! Some interesting new news Going to spend this weekend looking into how I use the 4F responses.

oh gosh I have somewhat the same thing! verbally, I'm not so good, but texting/messaging others compassion comes so easily to me. in my heart I know folks don't deserve the pain they're going through. but my heart seems to be confused when it comes to my own situation. whenever I try to say it out loud or even think any compassionate thoughts, I feel really emotional and start to cry. it's very confusing

annakoen! no no need to apologize! i really welcome any and all feedback (I'm trying not to feel bad for it but I really do need to feel like someone's out there listening to me and being understanding for once).

it took me some time, I think up to 2 years ago when I learned about what emotional abuse looks like, but I do understand it was a violation. at all the times I was confronted about my writings I was so outraged and embarrassed to tears and because they didn't realize or care that they were seriously overstepping boundaries, I've really done a lot of anger suppression over the last decade (since I started middle school). I didn't realize my wording made it seem like I justified them doing that. perhaps internally I do on some level feel that way. In so many ways I feel disrespected, but I guess I focused more on the fact that they didn't want me to express and feel any negativity. but I suppose also if they weren't the type to disrespect and violate my privacy, then things would definitely be much different.

also please again don't feel like you're butting in! i really appreciate you having Little Tea's back! it's so important for me to know others would have her/my back! thanks for the welcome as well! i'm already feeling so supported!

ah I continue my chattiness. I remembered another goal after reading some posts in the "Friends" boards

• tell friends about cptsd, try explaining what that might mean for our relationships (and bounce off of asking things I need from them, how we can work together)

I think they're all understanding and aren't the types to walk out on me. Pansy and her brother MG have offered twice to move me out of my house (I rejected the first time, fearing I'd be abandoning my brother) but this time I wonder if it'll be it. I might know in the next month or two. They both understand my situation the best next to Lily, as we have shared experiences.

Zinnia's another story. we're long term friends but in the past as i tried to explain certain things to her (like why I sometimes go for weeks or months not speaking) it seemed as if I was being bothersome or that she was annoyed that I had some issue/s that affected me mentally, which would affect my relationship with her. we shall see.

Yesterday and today have been so much better than the two weeks. I reached out to my friend Peach (a fellow artist I met online last fall. she's such a sunshine and is so nice to talk to! we both talk a lot) to try and un-isolate myself. She was really understanding and offered to give me space (though I really just needed to communicate more) and most of the day we sent messages about watercolor paints (I recommended her a set I had) and for the whole day I was feeling so good.

Today (as I write this actually), I'm still feeling good, but I'm very wary of losing the feeling. This happens time to time, in the last 4 months, every other week I would go from very happy, cheery, and/or just content.. to feeling really down, often empty, dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts, self doubt, guilt about family, etc.

I wonder if this is why I was isolating myself. Even after the negativity had passed. I don't want to approach this in a "enjoy it while it lasts" manner, and I don't want to coast my way through either. I'm not sure if coast is the right word here though. I think while I coast, I'm more inclined to watch TV or youtube videos, or scroll through tumblr kind of mindlessly just to pass time until I go to bed. Most of the time I daydream/daydream act (someone had asked me a while ago if I dissociated after I explained daydreaming but I don't know.. from what I've read prior and after being asked, I don't really know if any of that counts)

The days I don't daydream or force myself not to are really difficult. I feel kind of empty...floaty almost kind of waiting around for something to do. I feel really low-energy, very likely to stay seated on my bed (either daydreaming on and off or scrolling through tumblr for a couple hours). Sometimes I get up to go chat with mom and I'll feel elevated or until I go back to my room. Not really trying to be jokester-y with my brother considering he's very invalidating and it's tiring to be all smiles for him when he treats me like nothing. Sometimes I joke, but lately when I joke and it's ignored or brushed off, I start to tear up on my way back to my room. Ugh.. I hate that.

Yesterday was one of my best friends Rose's birthday. I texted her but didn't get a response. I hoped she was doing well. I know she has a party coming up but I don't know if I have the energy to make it this time. I should be honest with her about that, but ah...I don't want her to feel bad or that I might be lying.

Still have yet to speak with other best friends Zinnia, Pansy and MG. I want to but I feel like it won't change things. Or that I'll give up quickly and that will make them feel uncomfortable and make them stop trying for me. Is that selfish... I don't think I've been a good friend. I don't want to blame it on cptsd but everything feels so scary like I'm a child.

Also yesterday, after reaching out to Peach, I messaged my ex Lily. We're on good terms, though both mentally ill and trying to work on our own issues. Haven't gotten a response but I had waited almost 2 weeks to respond to her, and she may be struggling in a low mood the way I was. Currently not feeling bad about that. Trying to see it logically instead of as though I'm being rejected.

Last bit. I decided on a new goal. This will probably take some time and may happen after the other two goals I listed:

• work on removing self from daydreaming

There's a lot more thoughts on just that that I need to sort out.

I love flowers!

I do too! pansies, zinnias and alyssum are my favorites!

Tea-the-art,

I'm so proud of you for taking a first step in recovering and taking care of yourself! 

Journaling can be awfully hard, can't it?  That's terrible what your family did.  I'm sorry.     You CAN do this, though, even if it's just a few lines or even a sketch at a time. 

And I believe you will get a nicer garden.  I'm still waiting and praying for one, too.  And I believe we'll get them. 

thank you for understanding! i truly appreciate your support  it's taken me years to come to realizing that my FOO only wanted to hear and see that I was happy, but never caring or getting angry if I showed, felt, or wrote that I was feeling negative emotions. Just last year I realized this, and still struggle to express negativity without feeling guilt or shame. I think we all will get a better garden too!

hmm I just thought a little more on this. I usually do every now and then but I think today I realized something. when I was a kid my older brother used to and still does think of me as the star/prized daughter. I remember he told me our dad was lenient on me and for over a decade it's made me really guilty considering I think he got the worse end of CEBN than myself and nowadays I feel really uncomfortable being praised. I do wonder if this is related to the guilt or not.. I didn't really get praised for things I liked or liked doing more so school-related and as an adult, job-related. ugh.. now I wonder if thats also part of why I got into a lot of trouble. gosh there's so much to sort through..so many events. i'm not sure what's the cause of what *rubs head*

I do wonder if my brother has possible object constancy issue like myself. he doesn't have anyone but me that cares for his emotional well being, and while I have friends, they're not around all the time (or even physically living close enough) to emotionally support me the way I supported my brother since i was a kid. ahh... there's so many details.

I think I want to try journaling again. I used to journal a whole bunch when I was a kid but around middle and high school my parents would read through them often and confront me about things I had written (I think it was mostly because of swearing and pinpointed numerous "negative" feelings I "shouldn't" have been having, another point confronting and questioning about my sexual orientation and by the time I was 17 I stopped writing journals or (recently) struggled to just write positively. So this is kind of tough. But there's a lot of things I need, and I know one thing for sure is I really need is to have a space where I can safely organize my thoughts. Hopefully establish some goals (already it feels overwhelming). I've blogged about it, but I want to clean up that blog and return to it when I know things in my life have positively changed, that I can actually feel it and see those changes.

The garden I'm living in is rather decayed (ha, I must be a wilted tea rose then!), lots of intrusive weeds sucking away energy and the like, and I hope to be able to leave, whether on my own terms or not (part of me hopes for the latter to justify my own anger and sadness) and move on to root myself in a new garden and be and feel cared for and care for others in healthy ways.

I want to be serious about this. While I don't have method of transportation on my own terms (I rely on father) or ability/finances/support to go to therapy, I would like to really be committed to something. I think my attempts to cope in the last couple months really failed because I gave up too quick, overwhelmed with the feeling that I may not make it out. Logically... I think I will. On some terms, I'm not sure right now. In my heart, it's hard, like optimism was stolen from me but I have to regain that in time, and not rush and give up if progress isn't visible.

At first I wasn't sure what I might journal about, but I think I know now. I know people in my FOO aren't changeable. It really hurts, feeling like they have never cared outside of "obligatory family love/care." I still haven't accepted that yet But I know I can change myself (I've done so many times, but that's a topic for another entry).

I want to start letting my friends know about things that I need. I do have a lot of issues with guilt and feeling selfish if I ask for things I never got growing up or even nowadays. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or like I'm being unusually needy and strange (I don't really ask for much to be honest... I think I'm kind of easygoing in safe environments and have always tried to be self-sufficient... but being self-sufficient... isn't sufficing.

I also don't want to be uncomfortable asking these things if I know or feel it will benefit me. Some things I'd like to be able to ask my friends (hopefully before the year ends):

• communication at least twice a week, once if possible

I think I have some issues with object constancy issue? (Not taking validation well? Possible object constancy issue?) but I feel I maybe I just need to hear more from them, and learn to actively reach out myself and not waiting alone and thinking I've been abandoned.

• reach out if I've seemed to isolate myself again

I've always been one of those children (and now adults) who cried alone in their room at night wishing somebody could just reach out and be there. validation is a hard thing, and these days with all my intrusive thoughts it's getting harder and harder to believe them, but I think normalizing contact with good people will help me.


I think that's all I can jot on that topic for now. I'm kind of feeling a bit anxious about journaling suddenly... like I want to or need to get this right since I feel and said I feel like I need to be more serious about it. I wish I was better at long term goal planning. I've recently felt like I tend to just coast along and not really being in much control unless it was an immediate, short term thing, and kind of going day by day. Anything more I feel so overwhelmed and immediately exhausted because any changes or plans weren't happening right then, right that second. But I hope this journal can help me organize better and feel more committed... to myself. I should be honest with myself and understand that... despite it being because of trauma, I've done quite a bit for people in my life, especially my family. And even now, I'm going beyond what I think I should be doing, and for once I really need to focus on myself.

When you find your self criticizing your self, stop...
Ask the critic-in-you what it's so afraid of...
Then do what you can to help this old and frightened part feel safe enough to be comfortable
with you being just how you are being right now!

By Robyn Posin - http://forthelittleonesinside.com/

this is interesting. I had only read about it sometime last week, and correct me if I'm wrong but this sounds like self-compassion? the sort of way of treating yourself as you'd treat a friend who would be feeling this soft of way.

ah I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling. I've been thinking about what I could do and I'm wondering if letting my friends know about this might help or start some changes... when I think about it I feel kind of selfish though

So I've got like 3 tabs open for different threads because I'm so overwhelmed.. I've never been able to defend myself as a child nor did I learn how to, so now, a decade and years later, I feel bad to talk too much or be too wordy... but also feel bad being unable to really express things without missing details or not being asked questions that matter. But hopefully this will go well.

I think one of my biggest things, especially recently, is understanding, feeling and accepting validation from other people. And making sure it sticks with me. Unfortunately, I still live at home, so it's really hard to stop intrusive thoughts and being in contact with abusive people.

But whenever people say something nice to or about me, at the moment, it feels pretty nice, but then moments later, or sometimes days later, I've completely forgotten. Or I'm overwhelmed and crying (not sure why...). I know what they said, but I don't remember the good feeling, maybe because I don't believe it true about myself. Things like "you don't deserve that! i love you!" or "I'm here for you if you need it" just don't work for me. My best friends are very supportive and loving, and I do appreciate that, but recently I've been rather quiet. I guess isolating myself. Two of my best friends (Pansy and MG) live over an hour away and have jobs. The other (Zinnia) is 6 minute drive, but it's rather complicated... My other friend (Peach) is an online friend I met last fall and we talk a whole bunch, but I haven't talked to her since a few days ago.

Part of me feels I just can't... stand to talk to them if I can't see them and can't see them the next day, even if for a little bit, and the next day and so on. I feel incredibly lonely, but I hate.. hate hate the feeling I get as soon as I leave the house and start counting down to when I have to come back and wonder when I'll see them again. Or knowing when my friends have to be back to their homes, and that last hour hits and I suddenly feel or see the wave of certain abandonment coming. I last saw my friend (Pansy) last month, and had the same feelings. We had a nice time, but still, that last hour I felt really anxious but didn't say anything as usual.

I'm not sure which direction it affects, if this affects how I take validation from them. Most validation comes through texts (I hate phone calls) or IMing (with peach), but we normally like to joke around and be lighthearted in person (with pansy and her brother MG and our friend Rose). I like being complimented and validated about art, and it makes me more passionate about my purpose regarding that, but even recently I've questioned my purposes. Yet another thing to journal about I guess.

I think a lot of the time, even when trying to validate myself/be self-compassionate, I'm thinking of my brother and how he was hurt too, and how I might have hurt him when I didn't have the right skills to help or do better. How the Actual person who "deserved better" is him and how I'm just fine, and will be fine if he's fine. Quite silly hm? In my mind I know it's silly, but in my heart I can't shake how difficult receiving and giving myself validation is. I wonder if my friends are annoyed, reading my sad girl blog posts about how terrible I feel, days or minutes after we were just having a good time together or talking.

I don't know if it's an object constancy issue (sometimes it makes sense for me, sometimes it doesn't). It's frustrating... to not have validating words accompanied by their physical presence. Or just constant physical presence. I don't recall being hugged much as a kid.. I really need that presence. Having them really see me and not be or seem uncomfortable if I'm in tears. I don't like crying in front of them and haven't for a few years (with Zinnia, I can't remember the last time I cried in front of her). I really feel like a child or a baby, but ah... I never had emotional support when I was kid so.. I'm not sure. I think I'll end my thoughts here and see what anybody might think about this? If this is normal or something.

Your authentic you is in there somewhere. I think you are right that the personality traits you show when you feel safest (around friends, etc) is more likely the 'real' you.

I'm the one who can't say it right LOL. I just meant don't give info that, God forbid your father finds his way here, he figures out Tea is his daughter, you know?

Sadly there are a lot of Narc Dads raising two kids, and he'd have to self-identify as a Narcissist to know it's him, hopefully.

Anyway, welcome. We're glad you are here, even while we hate the reasons that caused the cPTSD.

I'm glad you think so! And yeah I definitely won't be doing that. I think one of my issues is remembering, so I'm going to make a real effort to make things general, change names, etc (I read in the guidelines to change names of people in life if we choose to reference them). Thanks again for the welcome!

hey, tea,

glad you made it here.  i can relate to not knowing who i've been for many, many years.  the chameleon complex - whatever personality was needed for the situation, that's the one i put on.  along the way i'd sort of figured out who the real me is, but then i had a lot of people in my life who wanted me to be different, so i felt like i was always battling.  it's taken me time and work, but i'm now comfortable in my skin, comfortable with who i am, and loving it!

so, posting here may help you figure all that out - it's helped me a lot.  best to you on your journey.

ah I'm glad someone else relates to that, sanmagic! it's strange, I only noticed it recently, and felt kind of embarrassed. copying rather "pointless" or even day-by-day ~essences~ if that makes sense. Not sure how to word that specifically, but of course there's the Me At Home and the Me who sort of feels safe with friends. but that's really great things have changed for you and you love that and are comfortable! *thumbs up*

hopefully I can get some more strength to post, kind of struggling with validation and don't really want to talk too long or be wordy. I was thinking about starting journaling (again, but here) and really trying to focus on some things and really be committed even though I'm still living at home. thanks for the encouragement!

Hello! Thanks for the welcome Wife#2. To be honest, I think that personality is hidden too, or only comes out if I need to hang with friends. Or something. I've definitely been told before I don't owe my brother anything, and I do agree. I guess it's just a lot of guilt, feeling like I'd abandon him if I decided to put myself first and move out if I ever could move out.

I'll definitely be taking a better look around (today's my first day in the forum, but I've been reading many of the glossary and other resource/info pages on the site.

Oh also.. um.. I think I was a bit confusing? I guess when I said I couldn't say who I am, I meant.. I'm not sure "who" that is? Not that I'm scared to be revealed (though, sure I am?) but more so I just cannot verbalize "who I am" as a person. I think I've copied a lot of minor behavior I thought was appealing over the years and combined it into "me" but I think that's false. Hopefully, looking around, I might find someone else who relates to that. Feeling like, trauma has literally created me and developed me, but that "me" isn't the Right Me, if that makes sense.

But thank you very much for the support!

Hello everyone. You can call me Tea and a 23 year old kinda-freelance illustrator.

I wrote a huge thing of text trying to "introduce myself" but I'm not even sure what's the right approach. Honestly, I just can't say.

I used to be rather outgoing, typically happy, but nowadays I wonder if that's because of the emotional abuse/neglect from my parents (and now, recently realizing, my brother too?). I don't even know if I truly have CPTSD or any mental illness at all. I don't exactly have any resources. Maybe I'll just talk about my family? And how things affect me? I'll try to be short, but I just don't like not getting the chance to cover all the details.

My dad is very egotistical...narcissistic. He goes from 0 to 100 very quickly over petty things, making it always difficult to approach and ask him for or about things. Sometimes I decide I don't want to hang out with friends because I'm too uncomfortable asking or letting him know that I want to go out. He's previously (middle and high school) read through my journals, and confronted me angrily about negative things or swear words I wrote. He's told me repeatedly "I don't care about your feelings," "I don't care if you cry," but has also told me "I don't think you care about your dad." Nowadays, I interact as little as I need to, but I'm still living at home and only go out for work (I don't have a car... surprise..). I often feel like I gotta test the waters and see if he's angry with me because in the past, sometimes I would come home from school and things would seem fine until I get called to my parents room about something I had done/written or didn't realize I had done (or written and left in plain sight trustingly). I definitely haven't learned my lesson, not sure why, as I got in trouble (and subsequently my brother) again, years later, in May.

With my mom, we're fairly close. I don't go to her for problems (emotional or not). I kind of see her as an enabler (probably intimidated victim) since she never challenges my dad and never steps in strongly whenever he's verbally and emotionally abusing my brother for the effects of having a stutter, which he can't control. We goof around sometimes. I don't have much to say except I dislike when she says my dad can't be changed. I never understand that... I know he cant be changed, but it makes me sad we have to deal with the consequences.

My brother, we were super close. Like two peas in a pod really. Even though he's 29, we were pretty much best friends, I guess I was the only one who still stuck by him when his stutter developed (his middle school years, I was maybe 7 or 8 ). Not very emotionally close, but he vented to me frequently since I was maybe... in middle or high school? We mostly goofed around though. Last year on his bday, he thanked me for hanging with him when our parents stayed in the living room and I was confused, being thanked for doing something normally that I know he deserves. Unfortunately, I guess I started drifting last year when he first told me "whatever it is you're feeling, it doesn't matter" when I was having a meltdown after being told I was just like our dad for not responding perkily like I normally did (I was having a bad day). And then again, a few months ago. Then a month ago, when I just got tired of talking, he confronted me like usual asking why I didn't speak, I tried to be open and honest and said that when he says things like that, and when he brings up his bad situation, implying he has it worse and my problems dont exist or mean anything, it makes me feel worthless. It was quite baffling... he continued to bring up his own problems. I think he literally started with "but see in my case..." and by the end, he had dominated the conversation, I spoke maybe 1% of the time. I think he thinks it's resolved...He's stopped venting, and maybe that's why I feel rather crummy lately. Like my job to be there for him.. isn't there.

Well... now here I am. In the last year, I've been just all over the place emotionally. I can't find any ways to cope that aren't unhealthy/maladaptive (like watching TV just to ~not think~ about anything or daydream... I can't explain that one.. not quite yet I suppose). Sorry I couldn't even say who I am. I used to be really outgoing but I'm not sure... I feel like it came from the trauma because that's what my family needed to see from me, that I needed to be emotional support for my brother and always have a cheery face so he feels OK.

Sorry this turned out to be so long! I feel I have even more to say but maybe I will post in a different topic or thread! I hope this sounded alright and made any sense!  I've found this site pretty helpful in me figuring out what's going on and what might be happening to me (and happening in my mind). Please take care!