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A handful of days before christmas I called mom to update her on a medical situation I was dealing with. Felt distant and just neutral with her, but then we started getting into old trauma again and "when are we going to see you again? we don't want this to carry over into the new year." Lately my temper and patience with her has been very difficult to deal with leading to this call, and I repeatedly have found that they still do not understand why I moved. And that all of their "reflection and talking" they've done together seems to center around how they felt hurt by me moving out without telling them.

Days later after therapy session, dad calls (despite my boundary of "Don't call unless it's an emergency") and the conversation turns south pretty quickly. Picking at me again about why I cut my hair (the last official last straw for me before moving out), why I hold grudges despite his empty apology. I told him he wouldn't even take responsibility for what he's done and said to me like (tw ableism, self harm) when he called me a psycho for crying horribly and pulling at my hair when I was sent home by a counselor who thought I was cutting my wrists. I was not and never had been, but was definitely dealing with huge stress) and he responded "responsibility for what?!" and I lost it. Can't remember much else about the call except that I hung up on him.

The attempts to reach some sort of understanding and potentially build a relationship with my family of origin is tiring me out. I've set boundaries about bringing up the past, knowing that I shouldn't have to recount the worst in order to have worth and for them to understand and recognize my pain. But mom has broken that numerous times, and I've only spoken to dad twice in the last 3 years on the phone, both times in the last 5 months.

I don't think it's worth it anymore. Little One (IC) really wants some connection, and I'm trying to build that for myself, but she still bears the pain of neglect and wanting to feel loved by her parents. 17 (IC, teen) very much feels the anger, and I feel tired from both perspectives. I don't know if I will ever not cry over feeling unloved by my family of origin. And I don't know when I will fully feel loved by my found family I wish they would just leave me alone, but I have decided to take a break from the very minimal low contacting them. Therapist suggested inviting mom to a session, but that was right before the call with dad. We'll see. 

welcome nab and thank you for sharing your history with us! wishing you luck on your journey to being fully whole again!

hi rose! welcome to the forum

thanks so much Not Alone

Yesterday I realized I've been having post holiday blues, after having pre-holiday blues and holiday blues. I texted a friend about feeling so tired, and they reminded me that I've been doing a lot lately, making and getting gifts for friends, dealing with apartment stuff. it always takes someone else to remind me how tired I am.

i remember about two years ago early in therapy I recounted what hypervigilence felt like. all the small everyday sounds i heard like my friends footsteps (and differentiating between the two), cupboards closing, cars honking and doors closing. a dish in the sink. etc etc and my therapist responding "that must be so exhausting" and I'd never thought of it that way. i still think about it every so often. i didn't know it was wearing me out.

but now I feel tired and perhaps I'm in the post holiday aftermath of just wanting to dissolve a bit so I've been playing video games almost incessantly, anything to not feel anything. i know it's not helpful to Siren, and i can feel that alarm going off, the childlike tugging on the bottom of my shirt. needing something. i know. i try to sooth siren when i'm going to bed because it's the only time i give myself to feel aware of myself.

i feel so tired i just cry, the way i think babies cry when they can't find away to soothe themselves to calm and sleep. at the same time, there's an unnamed anxious part that knows i have 70 things to do or figure out, and that every day something gets added to the list.

but i remember it was helpful to create brain dump lists. sometimes when im overwhelmed with unwritten tasks, every day something seems to be added because i can't fully recount what needs to be done without looking at a list. so i'll do that now actually.
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Just writing everything helps a little bit. Every week of practicing shortens my realization/reaction time. It took a long time to even be able to talk to and respond instinctively to hurting inner children. My therapist and I are really proud of my knack for being in a place where I can focus on acknowledging them and their needs, even if fulfilling those needs takes time. I know that's OK too. I'm afraid of going back to a mainstream 9-5 and losing myself to flight responses again. The benefit of living alone for me is that I can cry whenever, and don't feel the need to be funny or easygoing. I just am however I am, even when it hurts.
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One of my last sessions therapist asked me if I felt guilty about leaving my brother behind. I said I didn't. And I don't. I used to, so badly, but I understand nothing I did was a betrayal to him. Not after everything we've been through. It also isn't fair to me to feel guilty for choosing myself over maintaining a toxic home. I feel sad and betrayed by him, but right now my priority is my self work. I can wait for him, sure, but I won't stop and hesitate in my growth in hopes that I will feel love from my family.

Thanks so much Kizzie!  2021 was a year of big changes and learning in a short amount of time. I've been working through trauma-based therapy. While we haven't dug so deep, I think it's like psychoanalysis (dynamic?) where we focus on my behaviors and responses to daily situations and ways to create new coping skills that are useful in the present.

It's somewhat casual, I go at my own pace and sometimes our session may just be "I had the best day ever, so I'm going to brag to you for an hour." the big focus is working with inner parts in order to heal past wounds to help navigate daily life. I'm not sure if there's another specific word for it, but trauma-focused is how we describe it.

Kind of just going with the flow. I've been thinking about the forum for a few weeks now.

My relationship with foo seems to be near impossible to manage, and the frustrations are turning my quick tiny blips of anger into longer ones. Anger has never been for me, even with work I get angry for 2 seconds and think about how maybe there's something wrong with me or something I'm not doing.

The last call I had with my parents has drawn some anger out that has been untapped for over a decade. More than the anger I felt when I moved away. I don't feel bad for the words I used, I don't feel the shame I felt when I left them. I feel the sadness of not being fully acknowledged by my parents and brother, the sorrow of them shoving my hurt aside to make room for their pain.

i told my therapist I wished my dad wasn't around, because maybe it'd be easier to reform some relationship with mom. even now I don't know if that's true. all they want to do is tell me how they hurt, and i simply don't care. im sure in some way that is how my dad feels, but i also don't care. i've done a lot to get them to see me, so we can potentially move forward. but i won't move forward while being ignored, while the children i was in the past go ignored and receive empty apologies.

dad said i was being hateful for wanting him to feel the pain and sorrow i felt. i don't care.
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i'm seeing my therapist half as much now until i can find work, so maybe posting here in the meantime will help. i painted something sad yesterday while on the phone with a best friend. there's something about having a found family as someone who struggles with complex trauma, where despite the unconditional love there is still some detachment. particularly when you're essentially adopted into another already established family of origin. i wish i was able to tell my friends about this, the feeling like an outsider sometimes. but my own disconnection from my foo growing up probably predetermined my relationship with future found families.

during our sessions i remind myself that i'm the dad now, and that i have a responsibility to care for them in the ways my parents failed. i don't believe my dad and i will genuinely have any sort of relationship that doesn't make me wary of his sincerity. i'm just not interested in trusting he can change and willingly take responsibility for his treatment of me without trying to justify or minimize the damage.

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going into the new year didn't feel like anything. i've spent the last seven days playing video games and job searching and feeling pretty low about myself. even the painting commissions aren't helping much.

i can sense myself returning to what i perceive are obligations by others, but i know they're my own expectations. i was doing very well just showing up, coming and being as I am for the past handful of months. it was such a relief to not have to feel like i need to be this or that to be worthy and valid. 17, my teenage inner child, just yelling "who the BLEEP cares?! why are you bothered why do you care?" and understanding she's right, and i love the feeling of telling her she's right. it's one less thing for me to worry about, and Little One (one of the younger inner children) can go about playing freely and we don't have to try to perform for anyone. just remembering the feeling makes me want to keep working at it.
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inner child work has been immensely helpful in therapy, and being able to clearly, concretely visualize each child has been so great! little one with her four braids and the dress from kindergarten, 17 and her buzzed hair, piercings and spiked bracelets and her scowl. there is siren, who i used to picture as a tiny flame child i could hold in my hand, now presents themself as a smaller child whose face is made of signal waves. i'm sure there are others. but knowing them and seeing them and feeding them makes healing feel true.

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i want to work on tapping into a fight response, and be more assertive. i was never taught the words for when someone wrongs me, or when someone says something they shouldn't. so I hope I can channel some of 17's frustrations and learn to speak up more.

Hi folks! I used to post here frequently 4 years ago but took some time to live and record my life in my physical diary, but I wanted to come back and say I'm in an even better place now!

I was living with best friends for 3 years and it was amazing and scary and tiring and comforting! I think the pandemic made me realize how much I wanted my own space and last January I decided to not move with them to Louisiana despite feeling like I was obligated to after vaguely agreeing within the first few months of moving in with them. It was the second time I made such a big decision for myself knowing I would disappoint the people I cared about.

BUT I've successfully (and exhaustedly) saved months of rent and am living in a two bedroom studio type place and I have it all to myself! I've learned since summer how to make my own decisions and trust the decisions I've made for myself and it's been a wildly beautiful experience!

I've also been in therapy for almost TWO YEARS now! One more month! It's been so healing and my efforts focus on inner child healing and work.

I came back today after reading some of the successes and continued efforts you're all making and it's beautiful and hope that everyone continues to work towards being freer and more fully whole!

in a situation right now that may just blow over by tomorrow.

all sorts of EFs that i wasn't expecting. it really is inescapable. i had the thought to not eat for the rest of the day, its only 4:30pm and that hurt me so much, in my heart. the sadness i felt, the kind like when i was a child, that pangs right in the heart in a different sort of way than when my feelings are hurt.

the plan is/was to self isolate and just see my friends tomorrow afternoon after we've all had our day at our jobs. old habits. i feel like i don't know how to get out of that. i feel kind of angry too, a small bit, and i'm not up for talking especially if it's going to avoid my friends' fight.

it's like punishing myself for something unrelated to me, though they are my friends. i did this so much at foo's home and i want to break out of it. i'm allowed to eat and i'm allowed to exist in my home. this is my home too. i'm not being punished and i shouldn't punish myself.

notes:
- refusing to eat, fear of getting caught off guard?
- staying in room, fear of being seen/caught/confronted
- hypervigilence(?)/ listening out to footsteps, sniffling, other sounds

i don't know what i should do right now. i always forget the self care for household tension. i don't remember if i ever had options other than "just do your thing" from a previous entry couple weeks ago.

          last night i dreamt F found me. i was in a college and walking through some admin office hallways and found him walking with a person who hired him  and was showing him around. he was holding a briefcase.

that was 2am. cried and decided I wouldn't try to go back to sleep until i got really tired, so later at 5:30 i finally fell back asleep.

i realized it's probably because lately i've been so anxious about seeing my dad's car model so many times in public that I always fear it's him. last week I was in the suburbs where I used to live doing some shopping and was alone walking between stores and saw his car in the parking lot. and it was very likely him and M could be out shopping too on the holiday. i didn't see either of them of course.

          in the dream F saw me, even though my back was turned and my head was shaved and I had tried to walk in a way that isn't Me, but he still knew it was me. he yelled and demanded to see me outside. he didn't even seem to come for me to confront. i started to run away through the halls and found one person and got on my knees and begged them of something. i think to not let anyone know i was giving them something to hide. or that i wasn't there.

that's all i remember and gosh that scared me badly.

everything's still unresolved and it sucks right now. i don't know how to make peace with it, and I don't think it's time for that now. i still wish i was a couple steps past where i'm at now, but that's ok. i'll get there.


have been communicating with M via weekly text updates, and that's really all i feel up to writing now.

i was writing an update but closed out of it hours ago and forgot

but as things tend to be in these situations, everything was fine. left the room a couple minutes after posting and grabbed a cup of water and set it on the table to show my intent to sit with them. so that was a start. eventually i pitched in to help, but the whole thing fell apart. today we'll try again (as is also the case in working with trauma!)

i definitely overthought a lot of the small details again:
- are they mad i didn't ask to help with dinner?
- are they mad i didn't walk to greet them when they got home (it took a while for them to get to the dining room)?
- are they mad i didn't eat dinner with them?
- are they mad the only thing i said was "hi" "how was your meeting" and "the roomba got caught on something that's why it's on right now"?

those anxieties are what causes me to separate from reality and prevents me from living in the now, existing as i am. I still feel like those small independences that I obtain will help with this :thumbsup: i'll be ok!

the uncertain moods and my hypervigilance is going to continue getting the best of me if I can't find some way to start managing it. It's so exhausting being on the lookout for clues every minute they're home, it's a weird hostility that i've created for myself that they really have nothing to do with!

i try to approach from an aloof point of view, trying not to think every little thing is about me or because of something i did or said. my goal overall in these situations is to rely solely on information given, information i already have (whether those things impact emotions), rather than solely on scenarios i've built in my head. not to gaslight myself but to remember to stay present and not detach.

i want to EXIST! to LIVE!! the layers covering my potential true self are crumbling away bit by bit. one day, making sure i dont mentally catastrophize and dramaticize comes so easy and naturally that it won't feel like this huge effort. it'll happen!

HIDING right now. finding this extremely difficult. my friends came home and i was suddenly irritated by all the noise and then i didn't offer to help with dinner and they ate alone and are now outside my room (dining room) building the cookie haunted house and i just feel like an uber coward. i meant to go and say i'd be skipping dinner bc i felt irritated and not hungry and that i was trying to complete a module for work but i couldn't. but the uncertainty of moods was just overwhelming that i ran away into my room.

so obviously that could have gone better than i wanted. im sitting in the dark and my door is wide open and the dining room is bright so it just looks foolish on my part.

it's very much a "If I want something known, I should say so." that's the fight response I just don't get yet. i don't want to be annoying. realizing I'm really carrying flight/fawn/freeze with the freeze and flight actually being more overwhelming than I originally thought was the case.

am also feeling ignored but i think in reality they are giving me some space because i'm being un-communicative. they aren't the coddling type really, i guess not right now that i've been living here for two months.

donno what i'm supposed to say when i come out. maybe there's nothing to say? maybe it's just a personal thing for me and something they don't really need to know. i think that's an ok option, too. i spent so much of my life feeling the need to explain every thing because i felt like i didn't deserve the privacy. but i do deserve the privacy to my own thoughts and feelings and still, it's just been two months since i moved in with them, and things are allowed to progress slowly, even if things progress quickly in other areas.

so i feel a little better talking this out and reflecting a bit. i think if anything was truly wrong, i'd be confronted. hopefully. gonna try and exit this room now and just go back to living instead of surviving and hiding.

thanks so much blue!! having pride is one of few things we get awarded due to trauma so it's such a nice feeling to have!

There's another person here who doesn't want comments in their journal and has put that right in the title, so no matter when you start reading the thread it's very apparent they want no comments. Good idea, I may do that, too... 🤔

yeah that's true! could be really useful for staying self-focused and not getting too distracted/side-tracked by discussions!

New chapter of life, new chapter for the journal!

Some boundaries/rules/notes/???:

• Please don't comment (for now!) or advise if I didn't prompt.
  I never had an issue because I appreciate advice, but I think my taking all advice without considering my own needs or preferences, etc, is a bit hindering. Also trying to move away from my journals feeling like an entertainment space to a self-reflective, self-growth space for my benefit, first and foremost.
• Moving away from day recounting. rather do that in my physical journals.
  
• I want to focus on trauma responses in this journal.
  Processing my reactions and working to develop new skills like Fight. I think a big part of leaving FOO is learning to focus on what's going on right now, and recognizing that I don't live with them anymore, and that triggers and EFs are just that, triggers and emotional flashbacks. And that they don't signify true present danger.

I had more things but I remembered how overwhelmed I get when I over-plan so those things are good for now.

how things are going in the last two months since moving out:
Progressively getting better. I quickly got a job I nearly adore except the being on my feet all day. It gives me such a nice sense of purpose and fulfillment!

In the beginning I felt very shy around MG and Pansy. I felt so uncomfortable and intruding-guest-like and it was difficult to come out of that but I have. MG really helped me feel more comfortable about taking ownership of the space. I kept remembering him telling me how I'd have access to all the books when I moved in and that's helped so much!

Exploring the city has been GREAT! I spent so much time by myself that I feel so much more comfortable with it. M and F would be devastated to know I walk around by myself before and after work but it's a part of life! It gives me such an amazing feeling of independence!

Speaking of independence, I realize how much I like alone time. Doing my own thing. That helps with claiming part of my space in the apartment. I don't need to be attached to my friends at the hip. We don't always have to eat at the same time. Don't have to be hanging out at the same time, be in the same space at the same time. That took me a little to realize and appreciate in this transition from best friends who hang out every weekend to best friends who coexist and have separate schedules. And with knowing the city (and transport), that separation helps a lot in independence. I take the bus and come home or leave when I want for work. No permissions needed.


Trauma Responses:

- The new independence has helped with abandonment issues. Self-reliance rules!
- Rejection feelings still present, feeling unheard sometimes. My job has helped me immensely with voice projection, though, so that's hopeful! Getting better at speaking up.

- Memory has been worse than ever it feels? My schedule is no longer stable so it's hard to remember my hours and I've forgotten on two occasions where it impacted my friends so I have to work on that. No need to be so confident in knowing my schedule! It's OK to check it to make sure.

- Been texting M updates every week. It's sometimes tough, I sometimes feel a very strong feeling that I'm hurting her. But I know I'm not. That feeling is something my brain has created in response to the constant guilt tripping. So it's OK, understandable. Overall, it's been OK. Perhaps another entry on my deeper feelings on that.

- Experiencing a strong transition from Fawn/Freeze to Fawn/Flight. Gonna read on that later, but it's been problematic. Just Saturday I fully realized the exhaustion I'd been feeling for the whole month of September since I started working. Been having a lot of physical issues, particularly in my muscles that I need to get checked hopefully next month. Think more about how this isn't the "running away" my parents call it, but removing myself from a bad setting and into one where growth is possible. But growth doesn't mean constant work with no rest.


I'll stop here. Really looking forward to this fresh start and where it'll take me!

pretty much two months later i've decided to end this journal. feels kinda quick but this is just a whole new part of my life and i want to keep my thoughts organized here and that makes sense for me.

and yeah blue, this has always been the one place I can actually write without fear. I think I have this issue with my journal because of the constant broken boundaries i dealt with growing up. so I was constantly in a state of feeling like my journal is everyone's: for everyone to read, to comment, discuss, advise, etc etc. so it's a bit of a new feeling to be able to say "no" to replies, discussions and whatnot. hopefully i can exercise that ability? right? power?

Yes of course you can exercise that right! Atm it's not quite clear to me though how you want to implement this. Do you want no comments in your Journal? So no complements either? or  etc.? Or just not any discussions or advice? Will you maybe post in here how you want us to treat your Journal (and maybe other posts of yours) in the future? You can of course always Report to Moderator if a mbr goes against forum guidelines (like with advice-giving). You can report my posts too - they go to Kizzie then as Admin. Mods aren't above the rules and sometimes make mistakes or misjudgements too

blue those are some good ideas for rules. im starting a new journal tonight so i'll put up rules. that's a really great way to implement boundaries in a personal space like this.



just going to close this chapter and say i'm glad i made it. i'm proud that i made it. i'm exhausted but what i get to experience now is more than I ever could while living with FOO. it's well deserved, no matter how long it took me.