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still headaches this evening, but i've made my first home cooked meal (i think? my memory has been pretty bad) this week/month?

tomorrow I'll commit to staying off the computer and phone until my session. friends have sent soc media messages but I don't feel like checking them. it can wait until friday. tomorrow I'll tidy the room and do some watercolor painting since I'm still waiting on a client's feedback.

I'm afraid to try again but maybe I will try to ask 17 to guide me in the painting. it was really hard last week. painting something sad instead of flowers hurts. but I want to try more intuitive and expressive painting and I think she'd be really good at that. Doesn't have to be perfect. "Who the ** cares!??" she'd shout I agree

the perspective of your brain/mind working as a team with the body sounds all sorts of teams falter here and there, just like they have their successes here and there, and it's good the team has helped keep you alive, now with the healing and digging. and that team didn't need to be perfect to get you here. it really seems like there's going to be lots of little particular memories that somehow have a hold on us, but good for you for processing this (and picturing the angry response to guilt, at that!)

had a successful interview today and finally will be employed since august. hopefully I can wrap up floral and repainting commissions soon. i think I'm excited, just to have a job finally and not worry about paying rent. hopefully I make enough to cover. extremely thankful for myself for applying for benefits so groceries will also be covered huge thanks to the kind nurturer for helping me just do the things I need to do and stop fretting and freezing.

therapy session moved to tomorrow, which I think I'm ok with. I got to lie down for a bit feeling so sleepy but never napped. Therapy and IC work really has helped me instinctively and immediately fulfill needs like lying down when I feel tired, instead of powering through it. my headache is also gone. I've been having a lot of headaches lately. It doesn't help that my screentime is so high from the distractions. I'm making sure to hydrate and eat at least. zinnia helped me figure out low energy lunch things to buy so I ate an apple turkey sandwich and applesauce.

I'm not sure when I will understand and resolve my eating issues. there's something about the lunch time that, well now that I think about it, I flash back to high school. I do know why I "don't like eating lunch."

terrified of being a burden, whenever I ran out of lunch money I just wouldn't tell my parents. I'd go to school with no lunch and no money, and I'd just draw during lunchtime. sometimes my dad would know and get angry with me. I don't remember what he'd say. I was just too scared of that reaction, so any effort to not bring awareness to my lunch situation was important to me.

Asking for anything was too scary. Always has been too scary until recently. within the last year or so. It took a long long time while living with pansy and MG to ask for things.

I know now I deserve to eat, and feed the little ICs, of course 17 too. It's not that I don't feel hungry. It's a subconscious feeling or wave that comes over me at this time that masks the hunger. Something like that.
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I read an old entry here from way back and felt so sad for who I was, where I was. The lack of independence and awareness of my situation. Living alone now, I've really come very far. It's something to be proud of when so long ago, six years ago, I was making excuses for my foo while being frustrated with the constant thrusting me back into worthlessness-feelings. "How can they do this to me time and time again!?" I'm so glad I'm away from that. Even if life isn't very easy now, I am away from the people who installed poor wiring within me since the beginning, that I now have to intently work at removing and rewiring altogether. And I can safely do it here, where I give myself at least the space to cry throughout the apartment when I feel low. I think it's ok if that's all I can manage sometimes.

sorry you have to experience this elpha i hope the docs are validating your pain and that the surgeries can finally be done after all your waiting. fingers crossed for you!

1) got up from nap and ordered my favorite arepa and empanadas instead of hoping to ignore the potential hunger
2) did some flower studies of alstroemerias
3) watered and transferred most plants to my sunny bedroom (thankful for wintertime southfacing bedroom)

I know this situation is scary and new, I know you don't like sudden changes. Do you remember the last time we had to deal with a sudden change? I'll be right by your side in this.

(sometimes I cup and pat my cheek with my nondominant hand)

(TW suicide mention, sorry i forgot to note this the other day)
browsing through the memory threads and wondering if my high school memories really are locked away. maybe by 17.

i'm always astounded by friends who remember so much, so many little details of high school. when they ask me who my teacher was, I really couldn't say. who the classmates or even friends were.

i know it was a really difficult four years, bro gone to dorm at college, always fighting with dad. unprotected by mom. I guess at this time I didn't have anyone at all. I never did. it really took until adulthood to really confide in someone.

i really don't think I can ever forgive my mother for not protecting me, for justifying the unwarranted rage time and time and TIME AGAIN as if the little teas could truly make sense of its need. All the times I was crumpled into a tiny little defenseless thing.

I think about you and I see you I really see you there, crying, fists scrunched, looking at the hard floors in their bedroom as dad screamed at you. I see the sadness and I see that you needed compassion, not a man screaming at you for his own breaking your trust and privacy to read your journals. Not his wife sitting there on the bed watching it all happen. You needed her to say "this is RIDICULOUS? Why are we even reading her journals! Who cares what she's writing, she's a kid! How can you scream at her, she's a teenager, she's figuring herself out. Why would you ever say this to our child? How could you say you'd rather kill yourself than her turn out to be gay? Do you not love your child?" You were too young to not be protected. I hate that so much I wish I could have gone and picked you up and carried you away from it all.

Like the hypervigilence comment, my T also said it seemed like I didn't have anyone to safe to confide in throughout the entire trauma. The vents to my friends in high school were rare and empty. I can't even remember what I'd told them. CPTSD out of context always feels petty, like I need to explain numerous things to be valid, but back then I didn't really think I was suffering, not as bad as bro.

Today I realize that protecting myself in a healing way includes feeding myself when I tell myself I can't be bothered to eat. Dad would "give me his last dime to eat" they always say but somehow I always felt shame feeding myself or asking for lunch money. The burden. I'm not a burden now and I definitely was not a burden as a child.

Tomorrow I will think about those horrible outbursts and write a letter to the younger teenage me and to 17 about what I would have done if I were in the room with them. What I would have realized they needed.

thank you so much san i really needed to hear that today

I meet with my therapist this week again (at last ) and I think I'm going to start moving our sessions towards anger or frustration. not to be aggravated every session, but maybe some inner child work is needed with 17. Anger and loneliness. It's beautiful and nice but sometimes really hard living alone. I wish I could be hugged by someone other than myself.

Feeling very low since rose told me about moving. my last friend left in the city, moving away this year. my thoughts are

why am i being left behind?
no one will be left here but me alone
(thought about my therapist talking about how having a relationship can help in those areas of needing intimacy)
no one would want this

that last one. I'm so sorry, I know that's not true. And more importantly I want me, all of these little and big parts. There's someone out there who would take your face in their hands lovingly and tell you you are worthy. For now I will do that for myself.

It's so hard.. the trauma and now the frustrating call makes me feel extremely unwanted and unlovable. my own parents don't even want to see themselves in the past causing pain onto a child they chose to raise. my own brother has not contacted me in years. he even blocked my number, at some point. I had to find out on his birthday in 2020. that hurt so much. I cried on the balcony. my friends didn't notice or approach me, and I couldn't bring myself to tell them.

to talk about wanting to move to anger, I still feel so small and unwanted now. Little One is very hurt so I think I need to lie down for a bit today.

I visualize her a lot, she carries the bulk of the emotions and reactions that express daily. Play, excitement, sadness and loneliness. Joy. There are inner nurturers, one of them is the "kind radiant" that is the disciplined side that takes care of the important adult stuff so that we are healthy, not running on empty. It can quickly sense inner children's needs and knows what to do to fulfill them. Things like taking a nap, getting the groceries, doing dishes. Never mean about it, always reassuring, like "You'll feel a lot better when you..." "If you do this now, you won't have to do it tomorrow when you might be even more tired."

It's shaped like how I used to visualize siren, except it's a much larger version of a flame headed being. In the oil pastel drawing, it has a warm slightly visible smile, radiating an abundance of light in a celestial like background. Arms open.

Visualizing the radiant makes me feel better. It was really healing drawing her for the first time. I guess her is the pronoun I'll use. I want to channel more of that energy she radiates. Never forceful in my healing, just a confident nudge. I think I feel it best when I remind myself that somehow, things are going to be OK. However they do.

I want to do a lot of things for recovery, but I easily feel overwhelmed. Maybe I will hold off on the angry therapy sessions for now. I will keep reminding myself that I don't deserve to feel this way because of my parents. And that I've put in so much effort to try to get to where we can move forward. But I can't move forward if my parents, my mom!!!!, if she's going to keep talking about how she will not be told she wasn't a good mom. It's not my job to tell her that.

thanks yall for the supportive words (good to hear from you blueberry!)  it's been such a heavy task of keeping boundaries with them. i do wish they would leave me alone, but there's a guilt response from me at the words M would say ("we're not so young anymore"), but more processing in therapy is the plan for now like you said kizzie. I've made a promise to myself to take a break from contacting M until I'm ready to approach the subject of her joining a session, but I think that will be the last effort. my last effort with F was me hanging up on him.

armee and woodsgnome, yep they definitely don't want to hear any of it. they've pretended to hear me out back in august, the first time talking with F since moving in '18, but clearly no self reflection of their actions has been done. While my mantra of "This is not going to get better or change if we keep doing this" helped me move out, soon I will have to close the chapter of "getting through to them."

blueberry thanks so much for updating this! lately I have definitely found myself in that stuck position with my parents and wish I'd seen this (and also texted my therapist) before a recent call I made to them a few weeks ago. watching felt like teahan had recorded my past phone calls with my mom, very eye opening to the way I engaged with her. empowered adult child is definitely something to look forward to one day.

also blueberry that totally IS warped about your n-l-f's. it certainly says a lot that you see they aren't as healthy as they probably think of themselves to take you on as a project. the path of recovery shows that not only do you find it frustrating with your n-l-f's judgement of you and how you related with your parents, but also that you know the importance of trusting your gut in how you dealt with them.

MEH today

I was really hoping today would be great and feel great. Even went out to a recent favorite bakery for a breakfast sandwich and pastry, and my favorite starbucks drink. but i knowingly missed the bus home, so I walked for 30 minutes almost slipped and fell numerous times because I guess salting the sidewalks along a popular shopping/cafe street doesn't make sense

I got so sleepy after eating so I took a nap, but found the energy to work on and email an oil pastel commission update. I feel sour about it. I'm not an accurate artist, so I hope I was able to capture some of the facial features. It needs more work. I like how the smile turned out. I'm sure the more I work on the face loosely, the better it'll turn out.

THEN moved to video games for a break. My downstairs neighbor has been coughing and hacking for the past few months a lot and despite understanding the potential health issues they might have, the sounds still drive me up a wall and I can feel the smaller inner child (therapist and I call her Flaming Squirrel Girl because she wears a squirrel costume and I visualize her emitting waves of fire) throwing a tantrum. I stomped around this morning in my boots before leaving. My reactions are really immature I know. I feel like it's intended against me and my discomfort but that's not fair. I felt this way when I lived with pansy and MG. The sounds of cabinets and doors closing was all targeted at me somehow. I don't know how to ignore it, it makes me gag and throw fits and talk loudly in response !!!!!!!!! UGH I hate that I do this no matter how much I try it's frustrating!!! The walls here are so thin. I did put music on earlier and it helped a little but I'm nervous the person across the hall can hear.

Good but sad news, Rose is moving to New Orleans. She asked about my moving plans but it's not likely until next year if I can secure a job soon. I was happy and then immediately sad. An emotional flashback for sure. I let Little One cry it out a few times and soothed her little hands. "Everybody's leaving me behind." I just wish I had the capacity to really hone in on my artist work to self market and paint and draw and sell and make stable income.

I know there's no catching up to do because I'm on my own route, at my own point due to trauma and due to my recovery pace that allows me the gain the victories that I deserved to have many many years ago. I don't want to work these pointless mainstream jobs. It's not for me.
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I remember working at the restaurant last spring and finding myself so completely soulless. After the four shifts back to back day to night shifts over the weekends, I would walk into my main job completely dead and crying whenever a guest wasn't around. I don't want to go back to that.
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Another day I feel like I have a million things. I crossed things off the brain dump list. I just wrote another thing down. And a small sketch. I just feel so uninspired and empty and tired. I hate winter so much, the leaves on the trees are gone and died away and it's all ice and snow. Perhaps I'm not meant to be in this city. I know I can't force it..
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I'm deciding I'm going to watch another of my favorite movies to look and vibrate with all the colors. Howl's Moving Castle is great for that. I think I also want to watch a scifi show, I know 17 has been feeling really thrilled by that lately, and I remembered it's my favorite genre, so I should of course consume more of it when I can.

I don't know if I have energy to make dinner. Maybe a quick microwavable thing. I know I'll be ok, hugs to myself for now was going to comment on some things but I want to take care of this first for now.

was just on the phone with pansy this evening she showed me funny videos of her students teaching her animal facts   super cute!

was going to text earlier that I wasn't feeling great and wanted to talk next week instead... haven't been able to rest much today, just playing games which is understandable. and my sleep has been very poor. I'll try again tomorrow. I know to be kind to myself, but it feels frustrating always having to try again and again. I want to be more focused and energetically caring for myself and my home but I'm just tired. Still afraid of getting a new job and completely abandoning myself like when i worked the 2 jobs to save up for this apartment.

but I'm glad i got to talk with pansy. we like to just virtually have each other's company, while she works on teacher stuff, and I work on paintings and we're both quiet sometimes for a half hour and then sometimes super chatty!

sometimes i feel an initial dread when i get up the day we're gonna chat. i talked to therapist about it and they said it likely comes from always feeling like something's expected of me. and that feeling tires me out as an adult and makes me feel antisocial. but they also said that's normal for me. i am remembering again that nothing is expected and that I am free to be as I am and say whatever I feel like talking about just like pansy can. and every call I feel happy that we chatted. I'm glad it's a routine for us. I appreciate the distance we have after living together with MG, her brother for three years. for some reason it's easier and i feel less pressure when we video chat.

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that reminds me of a great thing! over thanksgiving pansy and MG came up to visit me and their family and it was great! i was so fearful of reverting to old habits of staying in my head and being overly aware of my quietness. but i didn't! i constantly reassured myself that I just had to show up. didn't need to overperform and be funny and interesting. 17 i think was very thrilled to not have to put on a show.

i did feel guilty for not having a present for MG, but i reminded myself that it was pansy's birthday presents. and that's not weird.

but Thanksgiving was a great success!  very happy my inner kids trusted me

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i really want to feel closer to MG but the distance hasn't been so kind to us. maybe I'll write more tomorrow.  *screen headache*

yes absolutely phil! when everyone else around us was allowed to feel anger, and stole that right to the emotion from us, it's really challenging to feel safe in engaging in feeling anger. whenever I attempted self protect, I was wrong, had no reason to be angry. ungrateful.. etc. 

hey lonelytourist, i'm fourthing everything that's been said. the pain is absolutely real, for the people who were supposed to protect you to have the nerve to name you like that. that's really terrible, and you are totally right. there is no good reason for the abuse and neglect and it wasn't fair for you to experience this. big compassionate hugs to you if you'd like i feel you very much on needing to connect dots to make sense of trauma. occasionally it feels ok to know that there is no valid excuse or reason for abuse, and thus i deserve to know that my trauma and pain from that trauma is real and valid.