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Felt bad by the end of the day. Especially about my self image. Today my mobile seems to be severely faulty. Great....

Also had to put up with a total scumbag on a well known internet auction site. A total wack job. Kept sending me bizarre rant filled emails and despite everything STILL left bad feedback. I appealed to the site owner and we'll see what happens, but its more junk thats stressful that I dont want to have to be dealing with.

Today is part 2 (of how many parts?) of home repairs. Supposed to be here in a couple of hours to sort the bathroom. Ugh. HATE this SO much. Im currently trying to sort my sleeping to the next level, so I can be up for when the boiler repairs are due. I feel so rough and just kind of physically 'icky'.

Had intended to get my hair cut tomorrow but dont think I can face the social interaction stress. I HATE being this way and dealing with all this.

Hooray! I dont feel horrific today! (apologies for the dark humour, but hey).

Will see how the day goes, but I woke feeling somewhat better today. Yesterday I called the Samaritans, went for a walk, and other things to help myself.

Well, whatever its due to, I feel a little calmer, and at peace.

Also saw a film yesterday that lifted me.

Mon 24th entry

today been confirmed the repairs will mean they need access to my home even EARLIER in the day. At a time I havent been able to be up for since literally a year ago. Oh heck. My mood is completely affected by my sleep. I feel in a bottomless hole when I dont get enough. Utter despair and pain when Im so tired and shredded. Dreading this.

Aiming to put it off until middle of next week.

Yeah its a good point. I think part of the problem is I struggle with accepting my limitations there. I dont want to admit that thats how much things affect me. Even though it does. And not accepting it doesnt help things.

Really difficult past few days. Today especially, regarding my emotions. Everything I do today comes with a boatload of painful emotional baggage from the past that hurts my heart.

Its all I can do to try to remind myself it hopefully wont always be this difficult.

Tough day ahead. Had to be up way earlier than I've been up for months and Im feeling it. Desperately just want to go to sleep. Have plumber coming to do repairs though so cant.

Then an electrician after. Then shopping delivery after that. Then gotta go to doctors for something. Sooooo sleepy just want to curl into a ball and sleep!

im thankful for this site today

having a weird one. I dont feel able to face anyone today. Just cancelled my grocery delivery as cant even face faking a smile for that small interaction, or even cleaning myself up for it. Had this before. Kind of just wanted to stay in bed today.its weird,ive never allowed myself to want to stay in bed before. Always told myself I had to do more.

Part of me now worries its a sign Im struggling that I want to stay in bed. And part of me is just relieved to be able to allow myself such yearnings rather than beating myself up for them.

Having said all that, Im now about to force myself to do things...(!) 

dont know what to say. feel awful.

I got the distinct feeling she was beginning to panic after being caught in her lie and just began to say anything

maybe that used to be an issue she suffered with herself even (repeated lying I mean), I don't know.

But Im done with her now. Just cant believe the money, time and effort I put into trying to trust her.

so it seems official.

called the therapist on the phone. the one who I'd mentioned here before who had lied about sessions being available. she tried every trick there is to deny the truth.

first denied she had had any other slots that were free-until i pointed out i knew someone who she had told she was free each week to.

then she blamed me for not being clear in emails about when I was free for sessions-until I quoted back my email to her where I'd said I was literally 'free each day from 1.30pm to 9pm at any venue'.

then she claimed she thought I had been asking to be alerted of free slots AT our next session, not before then-until I quoted her her own email which had said she would 'promise to let you know straight away if anything at all becomes free'.

then she claimed she couldnt comment on anything 'because she didnt have the details in front of her'-until I suggested we talk again after she'd had a look.

then she claimed she thought I'd meant it was only in relation to free REGULAR WEEKLY slots becoming free, not one off slots-until I pointed out she had told the other person she had 'free, regular, weekly slots.'

at one point she tried anger, which didnt work on me.

then she tried to shut all communication down by claiming she 'couldnt spend ages on the phone'-even though it was her who had called me (and it had only been a few minutes).

then she tried to change the subject saying if I 'didnt want the booked slot she would scrap it'.

she seemed to be trying every single trick in the book. After each failed new trick, she wouldnt acknowledge being caught out or contradicted on the last issue, or give an explanation, or apologise. In addition, it was only thanks to me calming things down that the call even lasted as long as it did.

Im struck dumb by this, am hurt and upset.

feeling angry and abandoned today. people all fake cheap smiles until anything is asked of them, then a deathly silence as everybody runs away.

I just dont get this. I've just had one hundred percent proof a therapist has been lying to me about availability, exactly as I feared.

I repeatedly said I was free anytime, any day, and did she have anything free. She told me to wait as she was busy, then in the meantime I saw her advertising sessions. Well I just got in touch again in case she'd forgot about me, and she said she only had one time slot available nearly a month from now. Then someone I know offered to call her up and pretend to be a prospective new client-and she eagerly told them she could easily do next WEEK at a number of times, and that she was free to do that weekly! And this wasnt anything that suddenly became free that had been booked previously either.

I just dont understand it and am stunned and hurt. As I said, I suspected this was the case but now I know for sure. Shes the therapist I saw for a time before but felt uncomfortable to continue with.

But in the past months I had such a hard time I just wanted to see anyone I knew a bit, so contacted her again-I cant believe I've been waiting two MONTHS for this!!

Maybe she was busy some of that time, but certainly not the past few weeks and clearly not the next month she has told me to wait.

WHAT on earth is going on here? I honestly wouldnt mind if it were due to something like her feeling she had issues herself with me and needed more time-but if so, why wouldnt she just say so? Why lie about it? She said at the start she would be honest and straight and didnt lie to clients. And in my own (partial) experience of training to be a therapist, I've never once come across anything like this.

I would honestly welcome all thoughts/views/speculation even, as Im just totally stunned and confused by this. Obviously if I choose to see her at the appointment weeks from now I will ask-but the thought of waiting even longer in such confusion, then paying her £50 to maybe lie to my face again, doesnt exactly appeal right now.

Well, Im down-but I'm not out.

Having a day off today,  hope to put tasks and things to the side.

Wanted to also mention-the other day I entered my second photo competition, the first one that gives any kind of prize. Took me quite a lot of work getting the pictures ready, and I almost fouled up the submission on a technicality (!) 

But it was sorted in the end-now we'll just wait and see how it goes-but I'm proud of myself for entering, and I think the pictures are really quite good considering things.

I think what you say is probably right blueberry. thanks for the support. times like this am so glad to have this site. its fantastic!

So am just back after visiting the council for a face to face to proceed with action against my alcoholic neighbour.


very tired. Confused as to why I feel guilty. Maybe I always do whenever I stand up for myself. Was horrible having to go over all the stressful things that have happened. The guy I spoke to seemed ok though, and seemed to believe what I was saying.

Hopefully it was worth it. Though im concerned what the neighbors reaction will be after he's been notified.