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Im sorry to hear this, and sad to say I've been through very similar things-I think its partly the lack of proper funding and resources in Britain. I was put in wrong groups, waited for months, had my files lost, etc.

In the UK, they give you about 6 sessions of CBT for free. In Germany, I hear they give you sessions of whatever therapy is the most appropriate-and you can have about 250 of them.

Not kidding. The UK is a mess.

Incredibly moved by the posts I saw in response to the 'having a difficult day' post I made.

Some in particular felt like an earthquake in a good way for me.

Not a bad day yesterday, though extremely tiring, and I think I overdid things.

Weird dreams, woke up a lot, and when I did, I felt awful. Just cant believe how exhausting and draining all this is-really have no energy to get certain things done. And sometimes Im finding that troubling, and worrying what Im going to do. The other part of me isnt too worried, and thinks its just part of the journey, and it will change.

Just upset today. Feels like grief.

Worried yesterday was a mistake. Woke up feeling I'd opened Pandora's box and I just couldnt cope with all the daily things I have to do, and all the things I have coming up in the next few weeks-but I always struggle with realizing I have painful feelings that hurt my inner child if I cant try to help and process them.

I feel like a 'bad parent'/like Im doing the bad things my parents did to me if I try to shut away the pain I've uncovered without giving proper care and love to my inner child. But as I say, Im not currently in a place where Im good at that yet, so it takes everything out of me and all my energy-which I need for the upcoming weeks and tasks.

I dont want to just 'shut off' those thoughts and feelings for a couple of weeks. That feels too much like punishing my inner child and making him stand in a corner alone. I dont know what a more balanced alternative approach thats somewhere between the two extremes would be.

For maybe the first time Ive journalled some of the neglect and emotional abuses I suffered as a kid (and adult) at the hands of my mother.

Im a bit scared about this as Im worried it will all be too much. Then again, a part of me feels ready to do it now, and feels its right to do it now.

Often when im scared or low, my mind goes blank and I just cant recall the awful things I suffered, leading me to doubt myself and also my choice to go NC.

Its quite shocking to see it laid out. Maybe it hurts my dream part that wants it to not be true. I dont know.

I tried calling the Samaritans - not that Im feeling suicidal - I just wanted to talk of it with someone. Couldnt get through to anyone in 3 attempts.....

Part of me is a bit relieved. Part of me is very sad.

Weird how so much of my self esteem is linked to my notion of how much or how little love my mother ever had for me/showed for me. When I see how little there was, I feel so hurt. When I feel hurt, I fear facing people. And when I fear facing people, part of me wants my mom's comforting. Something I rarely ever got as a kid. 

What a vicious circle. Oh, I wish I could give myself a phone call so I could give myself support. Theres something about it coming from someone else that is something extra

I dont feel very present as a result of all this. Dont feel very up to facing the tasks of my day today either.

Woo-hoo!!

No idea if I won or anything, but that photo competition I entered has just been in touch to say theyre doing a calendar of the best entries and they want permission to use my entry for one of the pages.

Not bad! Not a huge prestigious competition, but it was the first actual competition of any kind I've entered after getting a picture published in the local paper, so its something.

Will see if my photo places in the final competition results overall when they announce it.

Appreciate the support. Thanks all.

feel very upset today. Though my parents are still in reasonable health (as far as I know after going NC), Im having a period of fearing I'll fall apart when my mother eventually passes away, and fear I'll never be able to cope.

Its an old fear I've had since being a kid and guess it shows enmeshment still. But its so overwhelming today.

...and they letting agency did as I suspected and fudged things when I called them to find out whats going on. Great. So STILL no firm date when I can even try to prepare for dealing with.

I HATE this lack of knowing at such a horrible basic level.

Im SO drained when all I want to do is to be able to use what little energy I have to focus on finally trying again to rebuild a social and support network and a life of some kind

Feel in the hole again today. Had haircut yesterday and now just think I look awful. So depressed and hopeless today. And at same time, feel too enmeshed with FOO. Fear wont be able to cope when parents pass on. Even though I couldnt stand thought of seeing them.

I feel totally caught in a no mans land. A painful area between hating where I am and not feeling strong enough to change anything.

I desperately hope it changes soon. All my self care things feel like theyve been blown away by a hurricane. Cant get the mind focus to calm or soothe myself or use any of the tools I've built up over time.

And Im waiting for more news today on when the next round of repairs to my home will be and when I'll have to change my sleep for that I dont feel up to. They said theyd contact me by now but typically havent. Am giving it until 4.30pm then will have to call and see whats going on.

Hate all this. Feels like am in purgatory.

Thanks Blueberry. It has helped posting here. I also had fixed myself some fruit tea, and carried on sorting some of my photos for submission to a newspaper. Journalled some as well. It opened out my boundaries and horizons a bit to remember some different hopes for the future. And posts on this forum, such as yours, helped too.

I still feel like some aftershocks of the earlier 'earthquake' are here, resurfacing every now and then, but the ground feels a bit firmer beneath my feet at the moment.

And youre right about abusers and reactions. It is upsetting to see. Tbh its hard with this guy who did things though, as nobody is talking about him or his crimes. Its so weird how selective the media can be when it comes to uncovering such things.

Anyway. I guess its their lack of interest on this celebrated person that is probably whats pushing my buttons, and as you say, I guess im sensitive to that probably.  The feeling that the person has never had to pay any kind of cost and is still celebrated. Ah-maybe one day in the future it will change. As you can see, I find it hard to let go of feelings involving 'injustice'. Im trying to focus on the present and note how the best use of my energies is on self care for me today. But its a learning curve!

It may not have been clear in my last few posts but I wanted to make clear they werent addressed to anyone particularly-I was just addressing them to anybody that might have been reading, and also to myself; thinking out loud.

As for todays entry-I feel utterly lost. Incredibly desperate for reassurance too. But too scared and raw to ask for it anywhere. I feel that in certain areas, theres so little help available that its quite shocking.

I also feel sort of philosophically lost. Everything seems utterly pointless in an existential kind of way.

I desperately wish I had more/some support available.

I desperately hope this will pass.

Forgot to mention the name of the self admitted abuser. Arthur Eric Rowton Gill. His big sculpture still adorns the BBC main building in London. He also raped his sister as well as his daughter. Its all there on Wikipedia and many other news sources.

He invented the most popular type face in the world, 'Gill Sans', which is used on EVERY single London Underground sign, map, and street name in the country.

So millions see his works every day. Crazy isnt it.

Im all for the idea of being able to separate the art from the artist, but there's limits....

I mean its just insane really, isnt it? The level of it blows me away! For instance-literally a few hundred yards from where Im sitting there's also a 'globally celebrated' site, for people into all that 'Dark Arts' stuff, apparantly!

No mention of this at the actual site-but there it is, in black and white, written about in many books on that kind of thing. Known to many people.

And it's right in the middle of a kids park (of course....!)

Something very sick about my country.

I already knew about a world famous artist who was an admitted pedophile who repeatedly did horrible things to his own daughter. He lived in the town before he died. Similarly, all that stuff has been conveniently ignored now, even though he published his own journals where he kept dates and times of what he did. They're still available right now on Amazon or any mainstream bookshop.

And yet his artwork is STILL celebrated at the highest levels in this country, seen by millions every single day; Whilst the other things he did are quietly 'forgotten'.

Talk about messed up!!

Everything went wrong yesterday. Too painful to describe.

And thats without seeing a small girl nearly get hit by a car in front of me, then having the mother not give a cr*p when she found out and ignore her daughter's wellbeing.

I've gone into more detail on that in the having a difficult day section.

I wanted to write about another horrible part of yesterday here. Because it sounds so complicated and is hard to communicate.

Basically, the more I learn about this town Im in, the more I see what a horrible vile place it is.
But I dont have the means to move yet. Sadly, I was raised in this town. Of ALL the places I could have been raised, WHY here??

As a kid I was brainwashed into thinking it was great, but now I know the truth.

Theres countless statistics I could reel off about it that I see every day.

2nd highest rates of suicide in the country.

Highest rates of heroin addiction.

Highest number of pubs and alcoholism, etc, etc.

Its not even as if this place suffers from poverty-its actually quite a wealthy area. But its the most shallowest, vacuous, fake, narcissistic, self obsessed horrible place there is. And it kind of even has a bit of a global reputation for some of this stuff.

And its getting worse by the day, which is really upsetting me and driving me crazy.

I also strongly suspected that the place even had HISTORIC links to really messed up things.

And, yesterday, I finally got confirmation of some of those suspicions. Some I already knew about. But never on this level.

Im not going to go into any detail. It can all be looked up on Google anyway. But, in brief, it basically turns out that a celebrated
SATANIST (no, Im not kidding), was celebrated here, to the point where he even had his funeral here when he died. He was world famous, (and still is), and basically made Satanism known in popular culture, to the point where he was even put as one of the figures on the most famous Beatles album. You probably know who I mean by now.

This scum bag preached about the occult, about sexual sacrifices, about knowing people who raped and abused kids and so on.

And he was CELEBRATED in this flipping town!!

I know theres ways of looking at all this, like, well that was a long time ago-but it makes a lot of sense with this towns preoccupation with really messed up things and how a lot of people who move here from other places are always into really dark messed up things.

Every day I think-SURELY this place cant get any worse? And every day it seems to.

Tomorrow I'll probably find out Hitler used to spend his vacations here, or something equally messed up.....(!)