Messages

Autumn, your story is so tragic, and I understand that you have kept back the worst of it.  Your parents were horrific people to have treated you so hideously.  That your mind survived at all is a miracle. 

I am new here myself.  I am so glad you found this site and were able to speak of your history and your present circumstances.  I hope you will keep coming back to share here with us.  You are very good at explaining how a mind adjusts to survive extreme situations.  You paint a vivid and compelling picture.   I deal with dissociation myself, and I have a hard time putting the experience into words.

Sending lots of hugs to you.     Trees
                             

Welcome GraciousJoy.  I love your name!   What a lot you have been through!  I am new here myself, but I think maybe this would be a good place for you.   Most importantly, it is a safe place, even for those of us who don't even know how to feel safe any more.            Trees

"My main concern now is staying stable, even if it means a routine that is safe from harm."

Lostinspace, I really agree with you, just maintaining stability is a wonderful thing!    My moments of coping with life peacefully and competently give me enormous satisfaction.   Being safe and also feeling safe are important goals for me after a life filled with crises.

All the best to you as you build stability and safety.

Hi, Stella, I am glad you are here.  I am very sorry to hear you are hurting.  I hope you will feel free to share your real self here.  A facade is not necessary here.  Big hugs to you.   

flookadelic, I really love your woodsy analogy!  I can think of few things more pleasant than walking through the woods.  It's wonderful how you describe the process in exquisite detail.  I have known I was working toward reprogramming my brain, but this analogy makes it instantly pleasant, because not even nettles can ruin a walk in the woods for me.  I hope I will be able to use your analogy to reframe my journey for myself.

Whobuddy, yes, OOTS seems like the perfect place to peek out as my "dear inner child".  Another beautiful image.

Kizzi, "doing the turtle" seems like a great way to silently dance as Rain discusses.  Sometimes, not often, I even do the turtle dance in a tight fetal position under the bedcovers with the dogs in the middle of a sunny day when I feel too exposed. 

Turtle-dancing haltingly through the woods, bushwhacking through all the feelings and also hiding in the shrubbery with my dear inner child... such pleasant thing to contemplate.   Thank you.                    

I've been finding sorrow less frightening, even rewarding (a lightening of the burden), since coming to OOTS.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Thank you, Rain, for sending Gibran's entire chapter on Joy and Sorrow.  Somehow the way he writes helps my mind hone in on the true sorrow rather the just the debris it is embedded in.  He makes sorrow feel so much more approachable and survivable, and even desirable.  That is a big and welcome step for me to contemplate.

I am late in thanking you for this.  I think I was just in a spasm of hiding.  I want to be here on OOTS but I am also feeling painfully exposed.  So sometimes I feel the need to dart into my hidey-hole and regroup before emerging again.  Learning to actually feel safe can be such a slow process.

Rain, your Khalil Gibran passage reminds me a little of one by Rumi:

"Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free."

Trees

Hi, just a quick note from an older childless person:   Like Kizzie, I was also moved by all the wisdom and love in this thread.  It was a re-parenting experience for me, very comforting and inspiring.    Trees

I feel like abused dogs and I are kindred souls.  And though being around people is very stressful for me, I find myself soothed by the company of dogs.  My companions in life now are a couple of old throw-away shelter dogs.  One of them definitely has PTSD.  I've had previous dogs with CPTSD.  All adopted after they had been discarded by others.  Loving these dogs, with their fears and angers and confusion, is really fulfilling for me.  I suppose it is one of the few effective ways I am able to give love and compassion to myself, by loving them.  I was just a throw-away kid in life, so I feel very close to throw-away dogs.  They are grateful for a safe harbor in this world, and somehow that makes me feel safer, too.

Nibbe, I am close to your age, and much of what you say reminds me of my life.

I agree with Wingnut that therapy has the potential to be helpful and comforting.  But even now it is hard to find a therapist with real expertise in dealing with someone with severe C-PTSD.  And  those of us who are older find that some younger therapists also are not familiar with the ways that age can be an issue in the way that one seeks comfort.

Please be careful.  My experience with therapists has been rocky.  For me, it has been a real problem finding someone who is gentle enough to not trigger me and also strong enough to not be triggered by me.  Even therapists get triggered, and may not even know it.  And there are many who just do not realize how ignorant they are regarding severe CPTSD.

Currently I have a wonderful therapist.  We have our sessions on the phone.  I have never met this person in person.  Other therapists have disparaged this arrangement, thus betraying their own ignorance of what a person like me needs in a therapeutic relationship.  And, most importantly, they fail to understand that I myself understand my needs far better than they do.

You have survived a great deal in your life.  You are courageous and wise and deserving of great respect from any professional you may consult.      Trees

Neenonee, I am new here myself, and I am sure the more experienced members could give you more specific support and assistance.  But, I want to ask you to stay here with us.  What you describe about your life and your feelings reminds me of a lot of times I've been through in my life.

What I can tell you for sure, for absolutely sure!, is that you are NOT "rotten" or "crazy".   I used to think that about myself, too.  Keep coming here and we will convince you that you are just another good person trying to deal with too much.

Do you have children, too?  You are already dealing with so much.

I'm so new here I still find the smiley face things confusing!  But I am sending you lots of hugs

and I am asking you to keep coming here, please.    Trees

About 20 years ago, I asked my wonderful psychiatrist (a rare being) if I was BPD, and she said that knowing what I had remembered about my childhood would lead her to call me PTSD instead.  So if a person does not remember their trauma, that makes them BPD?

I find myself really unhappy when the weather stays below freezing for days and nights at a time, even if it's sunny.   This year I wondered if having my muscles sort of tensed up all the time was triggering my brain, like maybe my brain thought the new tension was from fear rather than cold.  So I tried wearing a lot more clothes, long johns, heavy sweaters, even a hat inside the house.   And it did help me, though of course I looked like the Pillsbury doughboy.

Phoebe, please come back.   

I don't know what sparked your departure, but I have many times departed from situations which felt too overwhelming to deal with.  Often it has just been an upsurging of fear of being visible at all in this world which we know can be so very very dangerous.  Sometimes it's been because I was ashamed of who I was, even though I knew I wasn't it my fault.

Sometimes I felt completely unable to figure out how to adhere to social conventions, habits of speech and so forth, of the people I had wanted to join.  There have been times in my long journey where I was too mentally exhausted, overwhelmed, and terrified to hardly even string three words into a sentence, at all.   Much less try to hide the most bitter truthful details of my story, to translate them into something less frightening for other people.  Not possible for me during my most broken times of my journey.

I have heard many stories like yours.  And every time my one and only reaction was to want to hug the person telling the tale of the truth.   (Of course, sometimes they don't want to be hugged.  That's okay, too.)

Please come back, Phoebe.  There is a place for people like you and me.     Trees

Flookadelic and Whobuddy, thank you for welcoming me.  I am sorry you both were moved around so much in childhood.  Having one's surroundings change all the time adds so much stress to a child's life.  I don't know about you, but I don't have a sense of Home at all.  There is no location on the planet that feels like home to me, except now finally I have managed to settle and start creating the home I have always longed for.  The sensation that I belong somewhere, I am beginning to feel it a little.

Rain, thank you for your warm words and hugs.  What a glowing hearth of welcome you are !    You used to have a quote of Kahlil Gibran's that I really liked.  Could you write it out again?  This time I will copy it down.  Thanks!    Trees

Yes, general background sorrow, for sure, and fear and grief, etc

Plenty of fluctuating brain fog with intermittent flashbacks.

Amazement and gratitude that I am alive at all, and, more importantly, that I am actually glad to be alive these days.  And that I feel better this year than maybe ever.

Gratitude that I have a home and a FOC (two live canine cuddlers).  Having experienced homelessness, there are lots of "little" things that fill me with gratitude, like hot running water!  and a bathtub!

And I am happy to be here.