Messages

Ana, I am sorry you are feeling so awful.  Such hideous memories.  Being so trapped inside all of that.

How sad that your therapist is unable to be there for you at such a time.  And the cluelessness about disregarding your request for no-touch, that seems especially scary to me.

The despair of feeling unfixable, it is so frightening.

I am glad you told us what was going on with you.  I hope you will continue to keep talking to us, as much as you feel inclined to.

The "terror that is you" is not all of you, though of course it does feel like that now.

May this new wave of ugliness subside soon !     May peace return to you soon !

This is a wonderful discussion, Cat.  I did not know the term "self-referencing".  I think this is what I have been thinking of as "people-pleasing,"  a compulsive need driven by fear and shame to get approval from other people.  And it forces me to spend a lot of time alone because otherwise I am not strong enough to be my own self in the presence of other people.

I have been having those same experiences with re-wording my to-do lists so that, hopefully, they become a list of things that would make me happy instead of a bunch of onerous obligations. !

You know, I could never understand why my mother could be so judgmental of me and so very respecting of other people who didn't seem much different than me.  But there was just no way for me to earn her respect.  And that is why I am still so other-referencing.

It's really validating to see other people are dealing with this same issue.

Welcome Annabelle!   I am so glad you found your way to this site.  I agree with Kizzie that your anger at your therapist was justified.  But I have found in my own experience that many therapists and psychiatrists are absolutely clueless about Cptsd (not to even mention their cluelessness about their own behavioral reactions to encountering it in patients!).

I myself do not have overt seizures the way you do.  However, over the years, the few meds that could help me at all were anti-seizure meds.  So, even though clearly those anti-seizure meds never helped you, perhaps you and I have some aspects of our Cptsd in common.

I very much hope you will stay in touch with us here.  I also recommend Pete Walker's site and writings.  For me, he has been a voice in the wilderness of Cptsd.   Welcome to you.    Trees

Dear Confident, all the best to you in your continuing journey.  You deserve the best.   DID isn't all that much different than some of us here.  I hope you will come back and let us know how you are doing.   

Welcome, Phoebes.  That mother of yours sounds like a doozy!   I am glad you found this site.  It is a good safe place.         Trees

Hi fairyslipper!

I, too, survived cancer!  (ovarian, two years ago)  The look on the cancer specialist's face as I was wheeled into surgery told me my odds were not good at all.  It was a bad bad time and the following year was far from pleasant.  But for some unknown reason, it had not metastasized and after surgery I had a good prognosis that turned out to be true!  Like you, I have made changes in my life to keep cancer at bay.  And, like you, I love talking about having survived cancer!                 Happy anniversary to you!   

People who  have not been so close to the edge just do not want to contemplate the edge at all.  S.Cat and Rain are right about that.   But like you, I also enjoy talking about my unexpected survival.  I try to frame it as, "Isn't it wonderful!  I am so totally cured from cancer!  It's so wonderful to be alive!", but of course that does not always go over real well. 

For me the difference is that people react so much more mildly to an announcement of previous cancer than to an announcement of CPTSD with previous homelessness and stays on the psych ward.  The amount of sympathy I thought I received regarding cancer was many many times greater than what I had received for the CPTSD.  The contrast made telling people about the cancer seem to be eliciting warmth and sympathy.

Have you been able to find a good site for cancer sufferers and survivors?   It's easier to find sympathy and celebration  among people like ourselves, with similar experiences (just as this OOTS site is such a blessing for those of us with cptsd).

FWIW, my own experience with cancer woke me up to parts of life that CPTSD had weakened in me.  The influx of sympathy brought me a renewed appreciation for human company, however imperfect.  Looking at death gave me a new appreciation for life even though I was someone who had been suicidal for many years, and actually did it attempt it a couple of times.  The "shame" of cancer, compared to what I endured with CPTSD, was pretty much nonexistent for me.

All the crying I did when I had to give up my dog when I became too sick to care for her did help me learn that lots of crying could actually lead me to finally finding it therapeutic to cry.  (I did get my beloved dog back right after the surgery.)  And I was strongly impelled to take care of my health, not wanting to ever see that sad look again on my dog's face!   I realized that even I, isolated hermit that I was, even I had someone whose happiness mattered more to me than my own!

So for me there have been many gifts.   I am much healthier and happier now, because of my cancer experiences. 

(And I cannot even begin to tell you how HAPPY I am to have HAIR again !!!  after all that nasty nasty chemo!  Some people look fine bald, but not me!  And I was so surprised that it mattered so much to me.  I learned that being bald is a lot worse than having too-thick hair that grows like crabgrass and takes forever to blow-dry!)

So let's you and me party down and celebrate your ninth and my second anniversary of LIFE!!!     

Hi Ana, I do plenty of freezing, although I don't think I could quite be defined as a Freezer, because of my angry side.   I do thoroughly understand that feeling of hopelessness of ever "recovering" from this condition we have.  I have had a long hard time fighting off the despair.

What I tell myself, FWIW, is that this condition has been and will be a chronic thing in my life.  Some people spend their lives fighting off Diabetes Type I.  I will spend my life fighting off Cptsd.   I will continue to work toward recovering my self, in all sorts of ways, inch by inch.  I will consult "experts" of all sorts, take what works for me and leave the rest.  I will value all anecdotal evidence from people like us, take what works for me personally and leave the rest.  I will seek far and wide for tidbits of information and wisdom, even from unusual sources.

Life is as full of miracles as it is of tragedies, I believe, or at least I keep telling myself that.  Anomalies happen all the time, for better and for worse.  Tiny bits of information, tiny freaks of nature, can save lives, or can take lives.  Lots of "experts" are wrong lots of times.  They are not prophets.  Even "science" and "scientists" are often wrong.

Many people can only offer us love and comfort and encouragement in the journey.  How wonderful there are people who can offer that!  Even if they prove to be wrong about what else would help me, even if I know right away they are clueless about what else would help me, I am grateful for a flash of compassion from a person with a generous loving nature.   

Any "diagnosis" or "prognosis" from any kind of "expert" can never be taken as the word of god or the prediction of one's fate, IMHO.

There is some nice, warm sunshine around the corner for you and we're all here to help you get your car unstuck from all that childhood mud. 

Hi Punkinmom, you are dealing with so much, so many details with so many people!  You seem to be the rock of your family, and it is so unfortunate that some of them have so little comfort and support to give you.  How I hope you can somehow find enough space for yourself to rest a little.  You deserve it!

Like Whobuddy, I am sending hugs...              

VoicelessAgony, I deeply empathize with you and your situation.  I also have had a lot of experience with crazy mixtures of emotions that feel so endless and overwhelming.  And I have always felt a lot of anger about this.  And my anger always caused more complications.  Not that I could stop it.

Nowadays I find that crying does indeed usually help me calm down and give myself a little compassion.  I do hope you can find some compassion for yourself as you weather your situation.  I send you lots of hugs. . . . .                 

"I am alone, because no one else can emotionally/cognitively handle my reality." 

What is support, what does that look like, and how to I ask for it? 

Welcome Wild Mater.  That kind of aloneness, those kinds of questions, sound so familiar to me.  I am constantly surprised on this site to read the thoughts of others that seem so similar to mine.  For me, that has been wonderfully comforting.

I hope you will find comfort here, and wisdom.  There are many wise people here.   

Chira,  I understand that not-fully-an-adult feeling.   I will turn 63 this year, but a large chunk of me is still merely three years old.  I remember my shock years ago when I realized this, and the shame that enveloped me.  But saying it out loud again and again, in a safe place, preferably, has brought me some acceptance of the truth, and consequently, compassion for this struggling self in me.   

And it seems to me that acceptance of the truth is actually a really good indicator of adulthood.  And compassion also.

Actually, this is the first forum where I feel relaxed.  .  . .I felt overwhelmed reading about people's pain and felt I had nothing to offer.  Here, I have a feeling that life's light and darkness interweave in an artistic and uplifting way.  The warmth is not superficial . . .

I share your delight and surprise with the atmosphere here on this site.  The founders have created something really special for those of us who would like to connect in a truthful but loving way.   I am so glad you are here.  I think it is your arrival that is our lovely surprise for the day.       Trees

Welcome Chira,

I also had a parent who thought money was an adequate substitute for love.  Fortunately she is dead now (and, yes! it has taken a long time for me to be able to say what a relief that is). 

When I agonized over having accepted the money, my therapist said it was the very least that the parent could have done to compensate for the absence of love from her, not to even mention all the other damage.

So now, though I understand your anguish over the money,  I'd like to suggest that you take the money and run!!!  All the money, every little penny, you deserve it all, girl!!!!

I am so glad you are here with us.       Trees                     

What wonderful sweet words!  My ICh totally lit up with smiles reading it
Thank you for posting that, Anamiame.

Autumn, I am sorry you found yourself distressed by what you posted.  And I hope it gets more comfortable for you, however you find the easiest.

Speaking only for myself, I was mesmerized by the way you told your story.  And I would welcome the chance to read more of whatever any of your alters would like to write.  Your writing just seems to capture the essence of dissociation, and the great challenge of dealing with it.

Best Wishes and Big Hugs to you, Autumn.  I hope you will come back often.

My deepest sympathies to all who have had bad experiences with gabapentin (Neurontin).  I have tried many medications over many years, and a number of them did a number on me. 

But for me, gabapentin (Neurontin) has been a lifesaver, for more than 10 years.  I would like for it to remain available to those of us who find it so incredibly helpful.    I find it totally non-addictive, and it even fails to build up in my body.  I feel incredibly fortunate to have found something that helps me at all.

It is my experience that most of the professionals that prescribe these sorts of medications have little or no idea what they actually do in the body.  Nor do they know which parts of our mostly-unknown brains (and associated organs) are functioning in such a way, within each individual organism of us, as to benefit from any which medication.  A convoluted sentence, I am sorry.

Taking any such med is an experimental endeavor, always risky.  I think the prescribers should explain that more carefully in advance.