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I've been looking for a slide show presentation I found online.  I tried to save it several times, but it didn't 'take', so I'll have to return with it later.

I have a problem with dissociation, yet it doesn't present in the traditional ways.  I scored .06% on the traditional diagnostic scale which puts me at the low end of normal.

I don't know if anyone can relate.  In different situations I have access to parts of my "personality" brain, memory etc. but not all of them.  It's a bit like if I were using a computer app like microsoft office - in different situations only some of the many functions are available in that particular type of situation.  For example in what I'll call "positive-social" situations I don't have access to fear or anger except at very high provocation.  I am often anxious but that is different to having access to fear.

This effectively puts me into an involuntary fawn, which is worsened in conditions in which threat becomes obvious - I have even less resources available to me in the moment.  Sometimes I have access to these emotions after I have left the situation, but the greater the threat, the less likely I am to remember it long-term.  All of which makes me a perfect target for abusers.

Also in situations which cause intense fear, my blood pressure and pulse either stay stable or drop (which is the opposite of what should happen).  My distress is not apparent to others except as a 'blankness'.  I become unable to respond.

I also have times (alone) in which I am overwhelmed by memories, fear and anger which aren't usually available or even accessible.  In those times those feelings are the only parts I can access. 

What I'm trying to describe is a kind of fragmentation which isn't obvious.  I have no different names, ages or identities, just shut-down aspects of myself, in which other parts of the programme aren't available.

Does this ring any bells with anyone else?

I think I'm about to be terminated by my therapist.

We've had a difficult couple of sessions in which I was angry, though not at her, but it has brought up a few longstanding issues between us.  She suggested I email her after the last session, and I sent her a couple of emails.  I had given her money to cover the extra work, but I'm not not sure I was clear about the purpose.  In response to the emails, she said she would probably email the following day but didn't.  Today she responded to a query about a joint appointment (with someone else) but nothing else to do with the content of those emails.  Ironically, I still feel unable to go ahead with what I need to do because I'm still not clear if she will be attending, despite the reply.

In the first email I suggested that there were a couple of  points of disagreement between us and that rather than go around in circles with them, maybe we could agree to not talk about them.  I tried to express that I value her and our relationship and that there was so much that was deeply valuable to me in our work together, that from my point of view, what doesn't work is much less important, and gets in the way, I respect her opinion and would prefer to agree to disagree.

The other thing is that there is a a painful issue that I haven't been able to get over.  She has seemed impatient about my  inability to get over this, so I stopped talking about how i felt about it for a long time, but that didn't help.  It has impacted every area of my life.  There were a lot of things going on in relation to it, and I felt i couldn't talk much about them.  I know she'd rather I talk about my childhood but this is current and devastating.  I reported abuse in which i was being set up to be mobbed out of a group and project I'd put my heart, soul, time and energy and money into.  I had become acutely depressed and suicidal as a result. The person involved was a key member of the group which was my other main means of support.  I chose to report it in this group also, because the abuse had overlapped, and also because it meant I had to leave this group too.  My T warned me this group would close ranks and hurt me if I did.

At first there was apparent support when i spoke about it, but I was lied to, betrayed, and their actions meant that i was effectively mobbed out of my relationships in both groups.  The consequences went even wider than the members of these groups.  Which was what my therapist predicted, in the sense that she said I would not be heard and speaking out would hurt me more.  There were ways in which what happened outstripped my capacity to "catastrophise" just how badly I would be betrayed and how badly it would affect me.  Anyway, it was my choice to go ahead and I did believe that although I might not be heard or believed, that the people I spoke to were trustworthy enough to not take action (against my express wishes) leading to further harm, to  breach of confidential information which could be used by the abuser, and that they would be honest with  me.  And I was wrong.

I don't know if it is partly because of me making a choice that she warned against, but I felt she has been irritable and impatient when I've tried to talk about how i feel, has reminded me that it was my choice to go ahead, that I had been warned they would unite against me.   At the time i said I was prepared to take the consequences and I am and have done.  But I need help with my feelings and with  dealing with the practical consequences of the fallout.  The abuser is dangerous, highly manipulative and poisonous and in a position to badly hurt others.  I'm not the first person she has pushed out of either group.  I did what I felt I needed to do.

So, after a couple of difficult sessions I said in my email that I thought it would be a good idea if I find someone else to talk about this particular thing with, to try and process it and get over it. I don't want to end therapy with my therapist.  I assume I offended her, but she hasn't responded.  She has been fantastic in so many ways.  I so value her and what she has done for me,  there aren't words to express how much.  I don't expect perfection from anyone.  I hoped I could find a way to get past some issues in asking to agree to disagree about a couple of things and to seek an alternative person to talk with about the loss and outfall of speaking out.  It doesn't mean I don't trust her - actually it took a lot of trust to be as honest as I was.  I don't want to pretend or be dishonest.  I need to get through my feelings about what happened and feel it would be better to do that with someone else.  I would wish to continue therapy with my T.

She has been brilliant through our time working together, better than I imagined I could hope for.  I feel afraid waiting for an axe to fall this week.  I don't regret being honest and I won't blame her if she chooses to end our work together.  I have been hard work - a difficult case.  Most therapists seem to be doing a bit of CBT/mindfulness with a few specific client problems. cPTSD work is a huge ask,it  is emotionally demanding , requires genuine caring and the development of a relationship way beyond the demands of most clients in a 'normal' middle-class practice.  Maybe she has come to the point where she has given all she can give.  I wouldn't blame her and I'll always be grateful to her if she has had enough.

But I feel sad and afraid.

I don't want to stir up a hornets nest, but I live a long way away and feel affected by this, I feel there might be some on this board who are hurting about this. This comment is not political and I don't intend offense to those who voted for Trump.  I hope this will be removed quickly if it is likely to be harmful to anyone or to the group.

For all of those who are suffering the effects of sexual assault, sexual abuse and rape as children and/or as adults, I feel for you if you are reeling, and feel the election result has felt like a huge a slap in the face from fellow citizens who don't understand and who are in denial about the seriousness of abuse.  I know there are other groups in the USA who might feel similarly and this is not to deny the hurt of members of other affected groups.

Obviously there are many reasons for how people choose to vote and many important issues.  It's not like abusers haven't been elected to high office before, but this feels worse.  All I can say is that sexual abuse is, and always has been, an issue  many, many people don't understand and aren't able to believe. Having our experiences  and their consequences minimised, denied, and discounted, and being blamed and shamed, accused of lying, provoking or wanting what happened, and finding that the feelings and reputations of those who have hurt us are what matter, and that we don't is not new.

The level of denial about trauma and all forms of abuse and their consequences is huge, and seems intractable sometimes.  At least through the election campaign a little light has been shed on this particular form, and with so many people moved to speak out about their experiences for the first time, it might, in retrospect prove to have been a painful step towards breaking through denial and victim-blaming.

Cyber hugs to all that want them.

Hi lovely people.
I could add this to my last post, but I wanted the headline!
I didn't think it would happen, but I had another full nights sleep last night.  i cried with relief as I was making my coffee.
It's been so long, I'd forgotten what it was like to wake in the morning after sleeping through.
I'm still recovering from the backlog of severe insomnia, but this morning I feel rested.
Have a great day, evening, or night, fellow travelers around the world.

I just slept from just before midnight until 6.am.  It was already light when I woke.

I feel so good.  Looking forward to getting on with my day, and it's beautiful out there.
The last time I slept six hours I had crashed out after several days of no sleep , or a couple of tormented hours.  This time it was after a nice day.  I was out gardening until it was dark, enjoying the smell of gunpowder in the air with Guy Fawkes tonight.  Usually I hate Guy Fawkes and wish people would stop.

I'm halfway through a really tough treatment and yesterday was a big breakthrough because I feel like I finally managed to learn how to navigate the rapids.  What helped was soothing myself, telling my frightened self kind things, so what began as flashbacks and confusion came to feel manageable.  Experiences pass, even the worst of them, the trick seems to be being kind to myself and letting them, so I can experience getting to the other side.  I didn't remember the other side.  The key really was kindness and self-compassion.

I have to work really hard on the body work Van der Kolk and others talk about.  Through the worst of anguish, terror and flashbacks, over six weeks, I learned that my pulse never changed.  I've been in shut down for such a long time that I've become rigid.  Trees bend in the wind for good reason.  I need to learn to be flexible again and I think that can only happen through movement, touch and rhythm and breathing; reconnecting my mind with my body and senses and experiencing the world as it happens.

My depression finally lifted last week and I've been waiting for the crash to come, but now I feel like I cant trust this for the next little while, and make some short-term plans.

I wish I could have reached out when this storm I'm experiencing was at its peak, like I recommend other people do.  I don't even know what i fear about doing so.  I wasn't allowed to express distress when I was a child.  My mother told me I could be arrested for crying.  I imagined that hideous scene in 'toad from toad hall' and being alone in a dungeon with a ball and chain.  I always hated that book.

I guess right now I'm in the eye or something.  I feel without hope, but resigned.

I decided amidst it all to withdraw from diazepam.  It might seem like an odd time to do that, but I don't feel anxious, just wishing I could reach the tears that seem to stay at the back of my eyes, and a kind of numb despair, which is a lot more comfortable and manageable than how I was feeling a couple of days ago.

I've decided to pull back for a while because I'm too reactive at the moment.

It is difficult to know what to do when something someone says reminds of our own bad experiences.  I think the best thing for me, is to leave it alone and not respond.  Having said that, I feel there can be a problem in the other direction, where being triggered is a sign of 'this is not okay,' and a strong sense that something that appears to be innocuous is not as it seems, where there is a troubling mismatch of content, context and experience.

I think it is better to hold my peace, and to be certain where strong feelings are involved, that any response is wise and measured, and takes the sensitivities of the whole community into account.  A damaging, potential unintended outcome in this kind of situation, can be that someone outside the situation reading the interchange, who is deeply sensitive about the feelings of others, and excessively inhibited as a result, as they struggle to ensure that they do not hurt or offend, will misunderstand, and feel confirmed in their doubts and negative feelings about themselves in interacting with others.  I'd hate to make people who are kind and sensitive feel more self-doubt.

Meant to keep track, but I think I might have missed the actual day.

Anyway,

Happy Birthday!!

Hope you are feeling much more comfortable, too!

I have no idea where to put this.  I don't think I've started a topic before.  It's so much safer to just join onto an existing conversation.  I realised I have derailed onto my own stuff sometimes because it's hard to post just about me.  I once said to someone (a few years ago) that I saw myself as a "responder".  I feel for other people and find it easy to respond to others, it makes me feel better.  It's also easier to talk about something once someone else has started the ball rolling.

I noticed yesterday that I had latched onto someone else's topic to try and say that I was really struggling, and that's not helping or fair.  It's selfish.  So I'm doing it the honest way and just talking about myself.

I've been seriously depressed the last little while.  I feel a bit better today.  I finally got some sleep the last couple of nights.  I had a good session with my therapist today.  I find it really difficult to be with her when I feel so vulnerable.  She insisted I stop talking about other people and talk about myself. I trusted her enough to have a bit of an argument about it.  It felt she was being unfair.  I talked about my relationship with her and how I felt afraid when I feel very low and vulnerable because i fear she will get angry and rejecting with me,  that she will be annoyed I'm not better than I am.  She said "I fear you're missing the good stuff" (in my relationship with her). and that i need to let her in, that my inner child needs me to care for her and to stop pushing her down.  These aren't the exact words, I was very emotional. I needed to cry.  I cried.  I trusted her.  She told me she cared very much about me and I could see and feel it.  I find it hard to feel that kind of thing.  It was healing.  She knows so much about me and has always been there for me, but letting go and crying and being cared for is so hard.  She gave me a hug.  I didn't really know how to accept it, but it mattered to me.  I have kept her at a safe distance in this.  I've briefly put my toe in the water, but never been able to go right in. There has been so much I have trusted her with, but my most vulnerable, lonely, child parts, I could never really trust anyone with.  I tend to push her away when I need her most.  I'm just looking for reasons to not trust, I latch onto little things.  All the trust we've built goes out the window and I'm defensive.  Today I talked about it and it was safe and healing.  Next week we will talk some more about it and it scares me.  I still fear that if I'm completely open I will be abandoned.   But I made a start.

I find it hard to write about this, but feel I need to solidify it.  Part of me wants to put myself down for being so needy.  But I'm not fine.  I wouldn't be here if I was.

I'm looking forward to my copy of Pete Walker's book to arrive from the US.  Any day now.

Hugs to you all.

Hi,
Is anyone else find the board behaving oddly?
Time travelling.  I answered a post, hit return, and found myself somewhere else answering a post that I thought was 'active' but was old. 

I went back to the active posts, but when I clicked on one, my own posts came up.  Which was odd.

Hi everybody, by the way

Hi there.
I appreciate this forum, I've enjoyed following some of the links people have posted and valued experiences and wisdom shared.

That said, I'm wondering if there is a simplified "active topics" function because I have great difficulty navigating in this forum because it has so many different topics and headings.  I was grateful to discover that I can find posts that I have made via the profile function because I spent a lot of time trying to figure out where I had put them.  Sometimes I read something and want to follow it, or come back to it, but I need a notebook to write down where it was.

I don't want to be criticial, I am very glad this place exists, but what would make it much simpler would be if I could go to a screen that brings up the active discusssions, and makes a new reply to an old discussion "active".