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Sorry about assuming your M is a narcissist, she just sounds so much like my M.  I hope between here and OOTF you are able to sort out whether she has CPTSD or NPD 

Absolutely no need, only I meant that I have been self diagnosing with narcissistic, antisocial, BPD, avoidant, psychotic, OCPD, paranoid and others for about 4 years and CPTSD just seems to fit the bill so well that it may well fit her symptoms as well.  I frankly don't care as she is past the point of no return being 90 years old and prefer to concentrate on my own problems.   I personally think she's all the above plus hystrionic!

 I had session no. 5 of 8 with my online councilor a few days ago.  She kept on talking about coping strategies and CBT but I said that I wanted to get in touch with who I am.  She then conceded to give me an exercise to do.  Write to my IC with my dominant hand and have him reply with the left hand.

I was very excited to try this and searched here for IC.  I had great hopes for it and was pretty excited about starting, procrastinated for 4 days but gave it a go this afternoon.  I may have been too excited because the writing with my dominant hand was almost as shaky as that of my left!  As I said, I had high hopes that something was going to give and I would have an epiphany of some sort; unfortunately I got nothing.  I stopped after 4 Q&As because I didn't know what to say.

I'm pleased to see that it is getting results for you but after 5-10 minutes it felt futile for me.  Not sure if I should try it again or if I need to do some other groundwork first.

Thanks Flook and Kizzie
Only just joined OOTS after a brief affair with OOTF so still looking up the differences between Ns and Ms etc.  Mostly A OK but couldn't find FM, LOL

I have also put physical distance between myself and M.  I moved from England to Asia about 25 years ago and my lifelong regular nosebleeds stopped almost immediately.  I knew subconsciously that it was the right thing to do.  I hope Kizzie, that you've also found some relief from your migration - the PD noise is a few Db lower.

I don't know if I would call my M a Narcissist.  She certainly has all the traits but I think that it comes from her own cPTSD.  Maybe its something that you grow into that is the defining characteristic of a Narcissist or maybe, as someone mentioned, cPTSD basically covers the gamut of PDs.  I know very little about my grandparents  from her side, only that her mother was a revered saint and her farther was too despicable to ever be mentioned.  Guess that counts as dysfunctional!

Apart from the guilt driven monthly 5 minute call, I have very little contact with M.   I would like to break this final filial tie but then, if there is a God I've certainly burnt all my bridges!

Thanks for being here people.

I have heard of many people who find relief from alcohol cravings by using Gabapentin.  But many more from using Baclofen.  They are both gaba B medicines but baclofen can cross the blood/brain barrier more easily.

By filling up with Gaba B you decrease your level of anxiety.  Maybe a chemical your brain is deficient in due to nature or nurture.

Baclofen is also an anti spasmodic which has been predominantly used by patients with Multiple sclerosis (MS) for several decades.  It is only recently that its effectiveness on anti craving has come to light.  I would say that its main use now is 'off label' by alcoholics.

Aside from the normal caveats, I'm not a Dr.; Medicines should be taken with professional supervision; etc.  I could suggest that the ideal scenario to take baclofen would be if you are in a trustful relationship with a competent T but are having trouble moving forward.  A lot of inhibitions will be lifted and you would definitely get a new perspective on things.   Trouble is; as with most psyche meds, it can take months to start to work and the dosage for this application is very subjective.  From 30 to 400 mg/day. The maximum dose for spasmodic application is recommended at 80 mg/day (may have been recently reviewed to 100 mg).

Personally I increased my dose to 240mg at which time I had no desire to drink.  This was 4-5 years ago.  I am presently taking 50mg daily as a maintenance dose. At this level I do drink, more than most people, however I don't have the burning need to get drunk every night and blackout at least a couple of times a week!

"A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step"
                               quote from someone pretty cool and with the gift of the gab.

Quoted by someone who hopes he's not being too frivolous or a puerile sycophant!

For me also I think it largely depends on the circumstances.   If I don't think about is I make enough eye contact so that no one has ever accused me of having my head down and talking to the floor.

However if I think about it I become become 'paranoid?', uncomfortable and obsessed with it.   I watch with a critical eye, so to speak, the nuances of the pupil being controlled by the iris and become quite alarmed and afraid when I see a sudden constriction.

I've never put that into words before!   Maybe another door opening for me.

On an aside; I've been quite aware of the importance of eye contact, for a long time, since I was ripped off buying some cannabis.  I met some 'oik' on the street (back in the days!) and after handing over several hundred quid was quite surprised when this honest chap didn't fulfill his side of the bargain.  On retrospect, even though I was a fairly savvy dope dealer I had been fooled by his wide open, unflinching eyes.  Think he must have glued them open with a botox anti-venom!

I'm assuming there is some problem with your mother's life view.  I know it can be painful (defeating, crushing, depressing, infuriating, invalidating) when opening up to the perpetrator.   I tried several times with well thought out strategies to do this, however to no avail, just another nail in the coffin/brick in the wall.

It just seems to me that having a shrink (who knows their stuff) present would be an excellent opportunity.   I would like to think that they would be able to have one session and grasp what's going on and then ask you to come in separately to continue the work.   I'm pretty new to this, and have just had my first 4 sessions with an online T - my faith in the profession has been rocked (and not in the musical sense).  Maybe you already have a T that you have a rapport with and could bargain with your mum to see that person together.

She's 72 and frail, I get it, but she may have some inkling that the robot mask may not be the best way of going through life.  She maybe using you as an excuse to see someone about problems that she is just now becoming aware of.

My mother is 90 and I saw her a few weeks ago.  Shadow of her former intimidating self but still clutching firmly to her warped and uncomfortable life blueprint.   She managed to make my son cry by chastising him and her engine hadn't even warmed up!   I'm still @#$% furious with her but I am also aware that she has been living this loveless, frightened life for many decades and its very sad.  If she would consider going to therapy I would do it for her, so she can get 5 minutes of respite before she kicks the bucket!

Still think it's a supreme opportunity which as time goes on will probably become less of an option.  You've got time to plan what you want to happen when you're not caught up pressing buttons with your M.  Main thing would be to make sure you see someone who is competent and understands cPTSD.

Hi smg.
Don't know your situation so well so if I'm off mark, tell me!

I noticed:
"I suggested counselling to learn new skills so that her life could be easier; she countered that she'd offered to go to counselling with me (heavy on the emphasis that she was willing to drive down and willing to pay)."

It sounds like a bit of a competition is going on.  It also sounds like there could be some room for agreement there.  I remember my mother making an appointment with a psychiatrist for me when I was about 17.  I went because I also felt there was something wrong with me.

Had a brief conversation with the P and a couple of days later my mother gave me the results.  (She had Dr friends who had probably set the appointment up).
She said,
"I've heard back from the psychiatrist and he says there's nothing to worry about in your behavior, its just normal adolescent acting out.  He also suggested that we go back together for a second appointment but I don't think that's necessary since we've already got it sorted out.  Do you?"

Of course I agreed with her - quick break to insert MANIPULATIVE FRIGHTENED LYING * - and that was the end of it.

I have often thought how my life, my burden may have been completely different if I had taken that opportunity and got her in front of a psychiatrist.

Just my 2 cents but if she's prepared to go (however distasteful she's making it with, her martyrdom your lucky position, money thing - I think you should give it a go.   

Saw this and was surprised no one had any comments.  I have a some knowledge about this from a different perspective.  That of being an alcoholic.

It is widely believed now that alcoholism and addiction are are linked to imbalances in the brain's chemistry.  How these imbalances got there is the old argument "nature or nurture".  The amygdala region is the in the first part of the brain to evolve.  As Kizzie said it deals with instinctive responses. 

The amazing thing is that once electrons starts firing in the amygdala the response goes straight to doing.   ie we don't think it over, reason about it.   We don't use our frontal cerebral cortex (our logical brain).   The message never gets there, the electrons don't get there.  The information has literally been hijacked by the amygdala.

There have been brain scans done on cocaine addicts that clearly show this type of electrical activity (thinking).

For alcoholics, one the idea of having another drink hits, its a done deal, there is no reasoning going on or any chance of it going on.  The idea is not going any further than the amygdala and the appropriate response to save your life!

One chemical that features in this region of the brain is "GABA".  A synthetic form of GABAb is Baclofen which is being used off label to treat addictions.  It worked for me.

I have often thought that this could be very useful with EFs and the other stuff we are dealing with.  When I was on high dose Baclofen I was gregarious, extrovert and feeling.  I wanted to get therapy very much at that time but none was available to me.

One caveat I have is that it does desensitize the whole "flight or fight" thing so if you are in a job or situation where you need to be on you're toes, you should be aware.   Probably not the best way to make your individual world a better place if you decide to give your enemy a chance, and take of your flac jacket with the intention of walking up to him and putting a flower in the end of his gun!

I have remarkable difficulty with this.  Either I am intensely staring into their soul and make them uncomfortable (maybe my own projection) or they are looking into my worthless being which is terrifying!  I think intimacy has a hard time when this is the starting point.

I often look at my wife and marvel when she is talking to someone.  She will lean towards them and stare unflinchingly for ages into their eyes.  People love her for it!   She has no shame - sometimes to my consternation!  But Oh - What a lovely way to be able to live.

Thanks a lot for the many thoughtful replies.

Yes for me, one of the hardest parts for me to get to gripe with is that I really do have a valid complaint.  The biggest crime I could commit would be to be visibly at variance to my mother's projected persona.  I think my father and relations had also learnt this lesson well.  After living it 24/7 for a few years there was no alternative on the horizon.  I've read that if a child has even one person to talk to about their feelings,  whatever hardships they are enduring are much lessened.   I never had that one person, even if someone had asked me or tried to open me up I'm sure I would have convinced them that I was happy and privileged.  That was the only way to look at my life.  Dissent from that view (reality) was literally unthinkable.  The charade was perfectly constructed, all eventualities were taken account for.  I watched "The Truman Show" with my daughter a couple of nights ago.  If only it had been that easy to see something was wrong and break free!

I've started reading Pete Walkers site.  I shall try to get his book but they are out of stock atm.

My name on the other site was morphicjail.  It was an attempt to explain the feeling of being in a place where whatever you tried to do wouldn't set you free.   Wherever you headed it followed you.   There was no escape.   Like a fly caught in treacle.   When I came here I shortened it to Morp which reminded me of 'Mork and Mindy'.   I never liked Robin Williams but it seems that he may have been struggling with similar problems.

Hope I don't come off as babbling incoherently, not really sure wher to start or what to do.  Thanks again for the warm welcomes. 

I joined the outofthefog forum as 'morphingjail' some time ago and on my 'welcome thread' someone suggested that maybe I should be looking at cPTSD.   Not being accustomed to taking things at face value, I then started to look into it.  2 months later, and here I am.  Thank you Rosie.   This so accurately defines my predicament.   I'm hoping that I can find some good advice here and that I may be able to help some people on the way.   At least we are "on the same page" so to speak.

I'm in my 50's and have recently come to the realization that there is probably a cause for my dysphoria:  'per se' my mother.  It would have been embarrassing 35 years ago to admit this and be crying about my mother and therefore I never did.   But after several decades I haven't been able to "get over it", so I'm going to start now!   If that's OK with you!?   

One of the reasons I haven't addressed this before in my life is that it was hidden and covered up with a chronic all pervading zeal.   No stone was left unturned to show the world what a perfect matriarch our family had.   I wish I could say that I was beaten, starved, sexually abused but I cannot fire those arrows of blame.   The least pathetic thing I can say at this point; is that one of the main impetus for me seeking help is that I don't want my children to grow up with the same dysfunctionalities that I have.

For the last few weeks I have been getting free weekly online counseling from a 'non profit' org.   Got to say that if I was paying, I would be very pissed off!   But free is quite important to me as I tend to stress rather a lot about financial security and something is better than nothing!

It appears cPTSD has had very little air time especially when I consider how well it encompasses my feelings and experiences.   Its obvious link with 'battle trauma' steered me away  from even considering it.   Having now found it I have high hopes that I can begin to get some serenity in life.

Thanks for starting this forum.