Messages

Arpy1, i hope you are doing ok.

If i could take this away from you, and others, i would.
It is scary, and I'm not glad at all that anyone else eels this way, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone in my fear.

I agree, that even if we don't have a choice but to go through pain in our lives, and even if we don't feel brave, we are brave. Just because you don't have a choice, you are still have to survive this.
You are even braver, because of the very fact that you are * scared and you don't *feel brave*. And you don't know where this recovery is going or how long it will be.
Its like you have to be strong. Thats how i feel. and i know it may be my inner protector / parent trying to help me when she doesn't know how, trying to tell the child that its ok (with out invalidating her experience), so it might not be right to think that i have to be strong.
Just, the way i survived was having another part of me step back so that I'm not overwhelmed by my inner childs feelings, and the inner child feels she needs her to be strong, because my inner child can't do this alone. Hopefully she will be able to in time, if thats whats needed. (all parts need to be integrated so they work together).
I just wanted you to know that it helps me to feel less isolated and alone reading your post.
and i want it to be over quickly too, and i also think it is not fair.
I also hate not being in control. I hate not wanting to face the pain for the fear, and i hate disassociating beyond my control too like you said, so that the pain can't be over.

Ranting is good. It helps you get out how you are feeling, and this is what it is about in order to heal and to feel better.  Talking about the injustice of it all with others who *get it*, is helpful i think.

Im just getting on board with the inner child thing and its healing for me to read, then write, even if the thread long ended.
EmoVulcan, sounds like your inner child. What a huge experience for you.
I relate so much, to you saying that your inner child seems old,
mine does too,
and this depressing knowledge, that you remember always having, that things are not ok in the world.
Im glad that i can put that feeling into words after reading that.

I believe we did know back then, and the inner child is the sub conscious mind, so that information would have gotten stored there, because it was just too overwhelming at the time to integrate into consciousness, and the environments we were in, perhaps wouldn't have allowed us to feel that.
Especially the people that hurt us, wouldn't have understood that we were feeling strong unpleasant emotions= about them!
That was the case for me anyway, and probably for a lot of us.
The inner child holds all of this stuff, this depressing knowing, and hides with it away, so known can hurt them.

trigger warning.....
Which is similar to what Lisa A Romano was saying in one of her meditations,
-for inner child the other night, and the lady was talking about the heart, telling us to feel the heart beating in your body.
She said that that is the same heart that was there during all the horrible things you went through as a child, and that heart is still here today, years later, but it remembers.
I felt it in my body on a cellular level, i just knew, and maybe that aunt just my body but the inner child.
I was so creeped out by it, the most weird feeling and i started to feel lots of panic.

I really wish everyone luck with this. Im finding it so hard.

Hope its ok that I'm jumping in on this thread.
Arpy1 and Tired, I'm so sorry you have these struggles too, as I'm sure many of us do here on the board.

After X breaking up with me, i am realizing that i repeated a childhood pattern, - same story with the narcissist in my life.
And i also make the same trauma sinareo play out because of my own defenses (fear of intimacy).
I am grasping the magnitude of needing to fix the inner child, needing to help her, in order to live a life worth living, and to stop attracting and repeating unhealthy people and the pattern of what happened to you.
Ignoring things- it doesn't work.
You just repeat over and over.

I have been trying to listen to her, (inner child), and i have been speaking to myself in second / third person- (i have dissociative parts)
i suspect the person that talks to her is the parent i tried to create to myself that i never had, when i was a child.
Im so scared to feel all this stuff.
I relate so much to wanting others to fix you.
I had a huge earth shattering realistaion the other day, when i was looking up repeating patterns.
I knew i had done that with the narcissist, but with my boyfriend of eight years???-
I knew sort of, but not with the magnitude i realize now.
I have never *felt* it properly before, only i do now.
Its devastating because my whole life hasn't even started.
It has been ruined because of my childhood, because of my abusive parents.

So basically, hearing about the cult,-
hearing you say that if you let others fix you, you are not learning to think for yourself, so you might have well stayed in the cult.
If i don't do this for myself- it won't work- known can fix you-
but also-
i might as well have stayed with my abusive mother in that case, or with the narcissist, or with my X of 8 years who has narcissistic traits.
It helped to read that.
it helps to find more reason that one, to do this yourself.

And i relate so much to it being unfair. It is unfair.
Do you guys think that angering, and grieving about how unfair it is, will help you to move forward and be able to give everything to your inner child that they never had, and that they need?
Because, I'm thinking that it is the inner child who feels this unfairness, this anger and injustice at having to do everything yourself.

Im trying to now, even if I'm afraid to feel.
Im letting her know that I'm afraid to properly hear her, and that I'm sorry for that, that i never learned how to help her, that i don't know what to do, and that that isn't my fault, but it isn't her fault either.

Hey Dutch,
Thank you so much for your message.
I appreciate it so so much, and I'm so sorry that you can relate to this, as you deserve more. 

You have said all the right things, and it is comforting beyond belief to know the i am not alone in this, even if i feel alone, and maybe am alone compared to others around me.
I am heartbroken, thank you for putting that into words for me, and for understanding.

I have been watching a lot of videos about loss and repeating patterns, abandonment etc. and how to help yourself, which does mean a long process of therapy and grieving.
Thank you for that suggestion, and thank you for warning me about the trite sights out there.
I really appreciate that heads up, before i end up potentially getting sucked into to what they may say.

Thank you for being here, not just on this post, but on many of my others, and thank you for making me feel heard.
(im also here for you Dutch)
 

ps. i know my spelling is just awful, its auto correct and me not checking over before i posted, so i hope it makes sense.
I just wanted to say, that i wish i had realized sooner, so that i could have healed sooner.
i know its all a learning journey, so its good that i repeated these patterns in order to try to heal and learn from them, I'm just gutted that i feel like my entire life has been a lie,
what i thought *was*, *wasnt*,
i feel like i have wasted a lot of my life, and that i never got to become what i could have,
i never did any of the things i wanted to do, i was never *me*, whoever that  is-
i don't know who i am!
And i spent my entire life perhaps believing a lie about what sort of unhappiness i deserve, what love is, what others think of me, that i am worth nothing and letting for the most part, others treat me as if I'm nothing.

I know it just might not be too late. But what is lost is lost.
and i know i will need to grieve that.

Thanks for reading.

Hello everyone.
Im so glad to be posting here, with others who understand, and who might have some tips or insight that may help me during this time.

I know this post sounds- very martyr like and i hate that, part of the reason i couldn't place anger and blame an responsibility upon the place it belonged- my narcissistic mother and my dad.

Partner broke up with me, and it has opened some feelings.
Sure, I'm still emotionally disassociated from my feelings,
but some have been coming, along with some relations.

Abandonment flashback-
triggered by actual abandonment in the form of a break up.

Not feeling all of it thankfully- maybe i felt it in the past when he broke it off with me multiple times, wen he hurt me in the relationship (even if unintentionally)
and when we argued and didn't speak for periods.
Or maybe my mind thinks-
oh god- can't go there- we know what thats like-
and I'm shut off from it.

But i am afraid of being alone.
I have no family, an no friends.
i have alienated everyone in my life. and i don't have a partner any ore
He was all i had.
with out him i am alone in the world,
and i will be living by myself and I'm terrified of that.
Terrified of being alone, and of going through this process alone.
Terrified i won't be able to look after myself.
and had spirts of anxiety.
i feel like a child trying to live as an adult.
I feel like I'm in the sea, with out a paddle.
I fele i have know one and nothing to hold onto, when these feelings hit.
Its is a flashback to me, going thorugh this on my own, like i had to as a child.

I feel uncared about. Worthless. Dumped, like a bag of trash.
Unsure of what others think who know about the break up.

About my mother-
and my dad.
I have come to realize after being in denial and not being able to believe that i was abused,
that i was.
Watching videos on abandonment and on attracting partners that let you down in the ways that your parents did, has helped me to see the pattern that has been my life after i left home.
I saw it before, but never *emotionally felt it before*.

My mother- undiagnosed narcissist - and my passive neglectful avoidant father
programmed my brain for faliiour.
They made me intimacy avoidant- which effected my X relationship
and made me attract a partners to repeat the same patterns the happened to me as a child.
all subconsciously of course.

I have lived an awful childhood, and a life of pain after i left home.
I may have been taught a lie, about what and who i am, and i have been living off their script my entire life.
I was an innocent child, who i believe didn't do anything wrong, didn't deserve abuse and neglect and mistreatment,
and its so unfair that that happened to me and that i want loved or shown any ounce of respect.
My mind was programmed from a young age, to accept love as being painful,
to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns, to fear abandonment and engulfment and abuse form others.
I have wasted so much of my life in bad relationships.

Im thankful that i am only 25, as i know that i am starting this helming journey a bit earlier than some,
yet i have still lost a lot.
and i have lost a lot of good relationships i could have had,
i have lots out on having a good relationship with myself,
i have spent my 20s which apparently should be the best time of your life, and my teenage years,
loving out their patterns and getting myself into bad situations.

I felt angry, and cried angry grieving tears for a little while, then i dissociated.
another reminder of what my mother took from me  - the ability to cry and to feel feelings.
I can't even feel love anymore. and thats not all my mothers fault- it was my partners for his let downs my T says, so i turned love feelings off.
not to mention I'm subconsciously only attracted to relationships in which i have to work hard at it for it to be exciting for me. I don't know how to handle partners that want to stay, even if they are no good for me in terms of their own dysfunction and hurt that they bring to the relationship.

I just kept thinking about how i had bene treated like trash, when i had done nothing to deserve it.
None of my parents loved me, and they do not love me.
How dare she treat me like that. with disrespect, like filth, how dare she rip me apart from the inside out and ruin my chances of happiness even after i left her.
who is she to do that to me?
she doesn't get a say! and it sucks that she did- because i was just a child.
It sucks they can damage us so easily, with out our content.

She has literally ruined my life and she has ruined me.
I will never be able to be young again and start over. Those day are gone and theres noting i can do about it.
I will alway have empathy and compassion and understanding for her, but i feel i have a right to be raging angry with her for what she did, and for how she has ruined my life.

I always wondered if really REALLY wanting to recover, would mean some disaster happening for me.
And it has - this break up-
and i realize that I WANT TO RECOvER SO MUCH.
she is still living with in me, its like she is some invisible force here that is still dictating everything about my life and how i feel about myself.
I DONT WANT HER IN MY HEAD ANYMORE OR IN MY LIFE
She put me through *, and I'm still living the * and i want it to stop so much.
I absolutely hate her for what she did to me.

I know its my responsibility to heal. I know known an take away the pain but me, and i know I'm not feeling it all properly at the moment. I know i will be letting go of decades worth of the same pain from the family, that was passed on and passed on, but it stops with me. Im feeling the pain that she never let herself feel.
But I'm so scared. Of everything. Of being alone. And i hate her for that.
My life is so difficult, and I just wish it wasn't.
I want recovery to start, so that all the horrible feelings stop, it has started for me, as in therapy, but its so slow and agonizing.
I can't wait to start my life, the sooner the better, if i feel strong enough to keep on going.
Maybe you guys can relate? I just feel so desperate and so lonely.

Indigo

[guilty and responsible]

Gonna write some more. Even if know one is reading.
I feel weird for doing this, but i need an outlet.

Glad partner broke up with me.
Tonight, as we are talking, and I'm still at his, cos he let me stay, because i can't go home to my dads, as he is so dysfunctional etc.
Im still at his house until i find a new place.

Because of this fear i have being in the house alone, and i can't go upstairs to use the bathroom, i have been using a bucket downstairs.
He said he feels too guilty to be in a relationship with me, because even if we compromise and he still goes out (if i don't want to or can't go)
he still feels guilty and responsible about me being at home struggling.
I asked him if he still feels the same way-
because nothing has changed-
apart from we are not titled boyfriend and girl friend any more,
I'm still in the ouse in the same situation - with the fear etc.
He was frustrated, saying that he had explained this lots of times, and he is not sure he can explain it again, because I'm just not understanding it and he's not sure if explaining it again would help me to understand.
He said he is not sure what is different.
I told him that that is why i asked the question- because he seemed to me, unsure of the answer, as he wasn't answering my question properly.
I said that i don't know, and i just wanted to know.
He didn't undersnad my question it seemed, so when he finally got it he explained the deal.

He said that he just doesn't feel as responsible or as guilty for going out knowing I'm at home struggling anymore, because we are not in a relationship any more.
He said he didn't know why he felt less guilty and responsible.
He said that as my partner, he felt it was partly his responsibility to make sure i was ok.
I said that i just wanted comparamise.
I asked him if he cares less, because we are now just friends.
He got annoyed, and said *is this one of those times when you change the perimeters of the conversation to get the answer you are looking for?*
and i said no, i was just simply asking.
I asked him what he means by saying that *i change the perimeters of the conversation*
He said about the times i asked him:
would you still want to be * me / love me, if i decided i just couldn't have sex for a long time?
(because i couldn't do intercosrse - never have been able to and never enjoyed it for my own personal reasons)
Would you want to be with me if i killed someone-
questions like that.

I said that to me, it seems like they are questions about different things,
but are about the same topic - weather he would still love me if.....

I said to him that i just wanted to know what had changed regarding his feelings of guilt and responsibility, now that we are just friends.
He finally told me that he wasn't sure
and i told him that that was ok, that i just wanted to understand it.

He said he does still care as a friend, but doesn't feel as guilty and responsible.

I said to him, that perhaps he associates being in a relationship wit feeling responsible and guilty
and he seemed to not like that, by shrugging it off and saying, *um, maybe*.as though he didn't want to hear that.

He said that when i was unable to be honest about what i wanted in th past, that was adding to his feelings of guilt and responabilty.
Now he doesn't feel that anymore, because he is not second guessing what i want.
I told him it was never his job to second guess what i want or mean.

I pointed out, that he did say, that even if i was honest, as i have been recent ly about how i have been feeling when i was triggered,
he did say he couldn't do it.

So it still stands, that he can't see me like that, in emotional pain because its too difficult for him,
yet, in this conversation, he told me that he feels guilty and responsible also BECAUSE IM NOT ALWAYS HONEST WITH HIM about what i want.

I honestly think, that if i try to help him by suggesting things that i think may help,
he doesn't like it, can't face the truth, or the possible truth,
doesn't want to investigate it (thats his choice and not for me to decide)
and maybe thats why he not outwardly but he BLAMES his feelings on me-
they are my fault, because it can't be him.
HE ADMITS HE HAS NARCISSISTIC TRAITS, AS DID HIS THERAPIST, AND MY THERAPIST

He also admitted that he DOES PLACE BLAME ON ME when it is un necessary to.
Yet tonight (he may have been triggered),
he didn't see that - he didn't stop and say- maybe i am placing blame on you.

Im very sure that if i said that, he wouldn't have liked it and would have denied it (for whatever reason of his own, deniel- inability to see what he is doing etc.)

He also said that he misses having people over because i find it so difficult (even though i wanted a compromise)
he can't wait for me to get better AND THTAS OK,
(when he broke up with me he said he feels his life is on hold and he is not happy)
but he said that he feels unsure about asking them over, because he doesn't know anymore if I'm telling the truth about what i truly want or if I'm lying
THAT IS VALID AS I DO LIE
and he said he can't relax as he is worried that I'm triggers

and if i have to take a break upstairs, he can't not come and see if I'm ok,
because that would be uncaring as my boyfriend.
I said that its nice if he cares about that,
but if i say i can handle having people over, that is my choice to say that,
but that in time, i will get better and i will learn what i an and can't handle,
and i will get used to dealing with the triggers.

Cant remember what we were talking about.
Im sure my mind is blocking out this conversation.
My natural instinct is to ignore it, but I'm so wound up by it that i need an outlet.
Maybe i feel safer now we are not going out, even though we are living together for a bit,
to look at this stuff and REALLY SEE IT CLEARLY - RELLY SEE THE DYNAMICS AND THE TRUTH OF WHAT IS GOING ON AND WHAT HAS GONE ON.

But the conversation went back into the past-
not because i brought it up intentionally,
i was just trying to explain something...
and i thought that as the relationship was over, he wouldn't mind so much.
but i think the didn't appreciate that.
he feels blamed, even though i said i wasnt blaming just trying to explain.
Oh yes that was it, about him going out and me being in the house alone-

he said that if I'm pissed off about it, he can tell and that i blamed him in the past.
I told him i don't remember blaming him,
and he said that i said to him once *see this is what happens if you go out*
and i said to him , that i said that in response to him saying that
the odor in the house wasn't nice and he was saying how disgusting it was,
and i said that if he hadn't gone out, i wouldn't have had to use the bucket,
that i had no choice and that i feel ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, and un appreciated for letting him go out and not complaining,
but that if he is out, i have no choice but to use the bucket.
He apologized after some discussion for that, and he said tonight that it was wrong of him to react that way about it in the past.

I said also that the only times i minded having people over , was when he invited people with out asking me first if i minded.
That i felt it was disrespectful to me, i felt i didn't have a choice, it felt like he didn't care about how i felt or what i wanted.
I said to him that i would never ask anyone over with out asking him.
He said that i did let my dad come down last week, with out asking him.
I said i was suprisied if i didn't as i always ask.
He said i didn't ask and we had this back and forth thing about it, as i disagreed * him-
i could be wrong, but eh said to me,
that he said that my dad can come down any time that week,
and when dad text me, i didn't ask him right away if friday was ok,
because we were not together at the time,
but I'm pretty sure i asked him
if he minded dad coming over this friday
and he said it was ok
and i asked him if he wanted to see him too, as i know it is boring.
Maybe i didn't ask him- i was not doing well that week and was all over the place.

Basically, if i explain something, by using a past example
ONLY BECAUSE WE WRE TALKING ABOUT THE PAST
(i wouldn't bring up the past anymore because i know how he felt bit that and we came to ana agreement with the help of my T to not blame each other about the past, to not bring it up into present day arguments or discussions because its harmful and just not helpful and has nothing to do with the hair and now)

he is quick to turn it back on to me, and deny any responsibility for his actions-
even if he already apologized in the past for what he did-
SO I WONDER IF HE MEANT THE APOLOGY THAT HE MADE
im not looking for an apology, i just thought the relationship was now water under the bridge, but i think he is still sensitive to it, and he can't face the things he did that were wrong, that were his responsibility and not mine because he did them.

My T said that blames too, from what i told her.
and he also admitted he blames me instead of taking responsibility yet he is still doing it.

I was saying to him that this thing he has about feeling guilty and responsible where responsibility of hi isn't due, isn't normal or healthy, although i understand it.
and that it might effect things for him in the future or in future relationships,
fi he doesn't know how he feels, what he wants, and if he continues to associate being in a relationship with too much responsibility that isn't due on his behalf.

i know he has a fear of being wrong and imperfect, so even if i am trying to help him, in as much sensitive understanding way as possible (not preaching or ordering or being a know it all)
he just can't hear it.
Thats ok, its his life and his choice.

I just wonder why i am being so - this way with him.
I guess ij just want him to realize he is as much of a problem as i was,
that he does have his own issues-
but why?
maybe I'm trying to fix something that happened a long time ago.

I felt angry after the conversation, like i had been blamed and gass lighted.
i was confused. Self doubting. Unsure. Unsure of myself.
I absolutely hate him.
He reminds me of my mother and the other narcissist i met in my life.
and maybe i should trust my feelings.
I have a lot of anger towards him about this relationship.
Im sick of feeling so alone. I think its the right choice that i am leaving.
I just need revenge and an outlet for my anger.

Dutch Uncle, he is quite a character.
i don't know what else to say. I guess i just want to be heard.
I may be wrong and mentally ill etc. but i don't know that, maybe he just makes me feel that way, though no fault of my own, BECAUSE OF TH WAY HE IS, BECAUE OF HIS BEHAVIOR, AND BECAUSE OF WHAT HE SAYS.

If anyone reads this, i will be eternally grateful. I knows very long and maybe not interesting at all to others who might not be in this situation.
I guess a little option or insight would be helpful

artemis23,
what you wrote, was so lovely, and definitely in my opinion, the correct way to look at this.
You shouldn't ignored feelings even if others may not typically react or feel the way you do or are about something.
even if pain etc is at others, in time, when that layer of self protected projection of pain and anger etc. is out of you, then yo can start seeing the pain that is to do with the past.
but all feelings are there for a reason
thank you so much for contributing to the thread, something i had not thought of. I always need a reason logically to feel pain etc. but that is not necessary.
You are so right. Thanks

Just offloading, I hope know one minds.    S:
X partner not come back tonight after being at volunteering all day, which i was gonna go to but i overslept.
He said yesterday that he can't have fun and go out even if i say its ok because,
he worries too much about me being home alone feeling like *
and i have this fear of being alone in the house since i was retraumatised and my mind conjured up this fear out of know where that this person who died will come and get me in this house.
He said that he feels bad about going out because of that,
and he said that he cares, and still cares *as a friend* and that he will always be here for me.

Maybe he is hurting because he broke up with me- who knows,
but he said all that and hasn't even texted me tonight to see if I'm ok.
This is probably normal for a break up, but, even before tonight, i was thinking-
do you really think that you would be here for me even *as a friend*, do you really think i can trust that, because so far in the relationship, he has tried being here, but has hurt me so much, and has not always *been here for me*.
My T said ages ago, that the one time i asked him for help, he turned his back on me-
saying my fear is stupid..? i can't remember what he said
but he invalidated it and said he doesn't know understand my fear and doesn't understand why he should be here for me because who knows how long it will take me to work through it in therapy.
so him saying he is here for me as a friend, maybe that doesn't involve asking if I'm ok,
but he knows the deal, and he knows I'm * scared in the house on my own, and who knows when he will be back.
Even if he could be a good friend, i wouldn't trust it after everything. When i move out, i will never speak to him or have anything to do with him again.
Im not freaking out like i thought- I'm very numb, or maybe I'm just emotionally drained after our relationship. Maybe I'm handling this like a normal person...
Which is good. That is what i want.
But underneath it, i do feel abandoned and angry with him.
I know i will be very lonely.
I just don't trust him to even  be a good friend, and its hard knowing that he knows I'm scared alone, yet he has ignored that and stayed out and probably will come back late, or sleep over where ever he is.
I feel like trash.
In this relationship i tried to fill my own emotional needs- (not even in healthy ways, as i never learned how),  because maybe once in my life, i strongly believe i learned that known will ever be here for me, known can care about me, so i have to do it myself.
Now he has really reinforced the belief that everyone will abandon me, that known cares, and that i am alone with my self.
I just think, that he really *doesnt care about me*.

Thanks for listening.

Oh my gosh, what an amazing expression ate recovery journal!
I feel the same way about singing.
Maybe i feel it is too precious to be destroyed by others- if that were to happen.
i have also been told that i have a good voice- never been told anything bad about it.
i also feel anger about not being able to share it, to not be able to feel the buzz of perhaps, others enjoying it as maybe as much as i do.
When i sing, i feel like i am soaring, but smoking is recking my voice. I feel anger when others can sing, and when my x used to want me to sing, and i had to say no when inside i desperately wish i could.
just wanted to say that i relate, and I'm glad I'm not alone in ways..i felt ashamed until reading this, for lifetime about my hidden secretive anger at others being able to share their singing.

haha, glad I'm not the only one having that problem, though not good for you because that is your name!

Thank you for your kind words and for understanding. You are right about not having to be *too perfect* anymore. I hope i can embrace that one day!

Talisien,
thank you so much for your message and I'm so super sorry that you went through this too.
How gutting for you, no wonder you were devastated.
Im very familiiour with the on and off relationship. 

It sounds like your x didn't understand proper relationships or people, therefore, he shouldn't have been in one. What a shame that he couldn't tolerate your emotions. It makes me so angry to read this, and you do not deserve that definitely not.

I hope that you are doing ok. And maybe one day, if you so wish to, I hope you will find someone who won't disrespect you, treat you badly and mess you around.

Thank you for the hugs too and for taking the time to write to me.
You are loved too, and you are a good person. He was the one with the problem.

Hey Dutch,
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your message, I can't thank you enough.
Thank you so so much for your validation of my feelings.
When partner broke up with me in the past, he told my mum what i had been saying undoing.
It was all out of anger, confusion and fear, but it wasn't ok, and thats why i started smoking and avoiding him. I surpassed everything for him.
She was mad with me and never asked what he did that made me act that way.
Everything in here eyes was wrong with my behavior...which it was...but with out finding out if i was unhappy etc. and she told me i need to just get over it and move on.
So i really appreciate you validating and understanding my feelings.

You also helped me put into words what i was feeling / thinking - that is its a cop out.
I don't know what is wrong with him, in terms of a diagnosis, or a trauma response.
I have abandoned him not by leaving- i did one time out of anger..and maybe rightfully so,
but i have been emotionally unavailable to him in terms of intimacy and sharing my *stuff*.
He said he is glad I started opening up to him a little, and he knows its hard, but he mustn't be that glad because he can't do it any more, he can't bear to see me in emotional pain, even if i don't tell him about it. If i were sitting in my room crying all day, he still wouldn't be able to handle it.

And thank you for telling me that there  is nothing wrong with me and that you appreciate me being here.
I hope to believe this, and your message helps me to feel a little stronger.

And you are right-
even T said before, that he has hurt me more than once, in many ways, so that is why i don't trust him, and why i don't feel love for him like i used to. I just shut my feelings off.
I need to move out and live somewhere on my own, and I don't ever want to speak to him again.
I always wondered if i repeated a pattern from the past by being with him, and looks like i did.
When dumped by narc lady...i learned about narcissism instead of feeling my feelings.
I feel like i want to know whats wrong with him, so that i can feel better about my decision to leave- or his decision, ...maybe its the right descision-
because he has hurt me and maybe that is all i need to know.

I don't know if i have the confidence to do video and i would run away from it if i started - i know what I'm like...but this forum is so great, and you have been so great.

I hope things are of with you Dutch? or as okay as they can be.

Love you Dutch Uncle 

and love,
Dutch.

Partner broke up with me.
T says its not my fault.
He cant deal with seeing me go throng this- he knows its the CPTSD, not me, and he knows its not my fault- thats what he said.
He blames my parents, and says the CPTSD isn't me, but he admits he has a hard time separating me and my symptoms.
he said he worries too much, it is the lack of intimacy more than his lack of social life that is making him break up with me, even though he knows its not my fault.
Weather i rage unintentionally like i did in the past, or keep this all to myself, he can't deal he says.
He can't deal with seeing me not doing well- going through these emotions, he can't deal with the fact that i have to feel things and get them out of me, even if its not aimed at him, and I'm simply depressed or crying. he can't deal with not being able to fix me.

He can't deal with it weather i open up to him or not, and I'm no good at opening up.
He says he can't go out and have fun cos he worries about me being at home and not being ok.
I told him its all part of the process and that it comes and goes, but he said that it seems like there are more bad days than good iwht us and he can't do it.
I told him i wanted us to come to a compromise on having people over and him going out, but he feels too bad to go cos he worries too much about me not being ok that he can't have fun.
He says he isn't strong enough.

We broke up last time i went to therapy- saw a T once.
he said he couldn't deal with my moods.
I understand his reasons- i really do, but I'm angry with him- although not feeling it as much as i perhaps should maybe because I'm in shock,and also exhausted with feelings that have been comming up due to therapy.
he has dumped me again like a big fat abandoner, i wonder if his love was ever real. i never trusted and now i will not trust another man ever again, more will i let myself love another again.
T says that its not my fault, that i have done nothing wrong and that I'm stronger than i know,
He says i haven't done anything wrong too but i still hate him. Part of me thinks that although he has is own childhood problems, he won't look into them, so as I'm feeling all the really scary feels, can't he at least support...? i just think that he is weak as its me gong through this scary *- but i know that is another part of me talking.
im sick of being dumped like a bag of garbage over and over again and i can't let him take me back if he so does, i need to learn self respect, and perhaps this is a learning journey.
He says he cares about me- as a friend, but i feel he doesn't care. He doesn't understand the terror i will be put through with him leaving- and i know its not his problem to fix or his fault.
I just feel uncared about, which is how he must feel with me being unavailable to him in the relationship, with my dulled down feelings because him being close and available freaks me out- i understand the patterns and the psychology here.

I need someone who loves me, who really loves me, and i can't even love myself. I know I'm repeating a pattern and I'm living a self forfulling prophecy, but its come to a head, and its too late. Im not even sure if anyone else can love me and i feel deeply that there is something wrong with *me*.

Im scared that the feelings will hit like they always do when he left me in the past, and I'm scared i won't be able to handle it.
i need to see it as flashbacks back to the past, and try to hold myself together as best i can, whilst feeling this horrid stuff, so that i don't go off the rails and do something to end it all.
I have felt like giving up, for the past moth now.

Im so scared to be alone, and just need support.
Apart from T who I'm not sure if i can just call any time if things get rough, i don't have family or friends i can turn to and I'm scared to do this recovery alone.
I now understand why people do youtube blogs and blogs about their recovery, because to have someone know how they feel and the extent of their pain, is better than having know one, and you only see Ts once a week for an hour, which sure, is better than nothing but doesn't help the isolation in the week.

I guess any words of encouragement would be helpful, or advice,
(even if i feel i don deserve them, because i am no good at relationships, and i know on a logical level that it is because of trauma, and not my fault.)
I'm desperate and i just need to be strong and i need to keep on going. I'm scared to collapse and be surrounded by all these really scary feelings, and if it happens, i will be totally alone, because i have know one, not even partner any more and that is the scariest thing to me.
It seems there is never any rest from chaos any more and i don't know how much more of it i can take.

Thank you so much for listening, i really appreciate it.
and this is Indigo by the way, just singed in as another name, due to problems signing back in, but i will try to sign back into other account.

Hey Lizzie,
I really hope you get this.
I didn't send as Pm because thought id have better luck here typing your name, but auto correct is still of course not writing the letter K at the beginning of your name!

Sorry i didn't reply to your pm. I was feeling stupid and ashamed for forgetting my email address for Indigo, (inner critic been bad lately).
and i also feel silly for saying that, i just want to be honest, as i really appreciate your help!
I will try the other email address that you found- thank you so much!
Hope your doing ok