Messages

[has slowed down. Even if they are on vacation.]

Hey Sanmagic,
How are you feeling about your diagnosis?
I am glad that the doctor seemed quite caring, and that you went to get yourself checked out, however I'm sorry to hear he kept pushing the music idea.

anyway, that's besides the point.  i asked how long before this was going to make me feel better (one shot, and one pill/day for a month), and he said who knows?  maybe tomorrow.  well, i don't feel better even tho i was hoping to.  some disappointment there.  i did think of jigsaw puzzles, and want to get one set up.  i used to love doing those.  he also said sex, which has been out of my life for years due to my husband's fears.  i have a lot of resentment and anger built up around all that which i've never gotten out fully.

Do you mind if i tell you something i read in an article, that might help you?
Here goes anyway in case...
Not sure if the article is telling the truth..but it said that, an emotional cause of adrenal fatigue is the body stops producing cortisol when it is rebelling against life as it is, because it knows that you are not happy with life as it is.
Apparently it thinks..why should i bother producing cortisol when I'm not happy or enthused aobu life or about getting up every day.  Maybe thats why the doc suggests doing things you will enjoy. I guess that eases stress to a degree.
Of course, the adrenals get tired and damaged from stress. Im not sure if the emotional component is true here too. I don't know what to believe. Maybe both are correct.
I have heard that like with the emotions, wanting physical ailments / pain to go away quickly, is like quietening the inner child.
Only listening to her because you want her to go away, when she really needs to be accepted, and loved for all the pain she is in, not wanted to be different.
I understand that you want this to get better, and maybe accepting that truth is ..needed.
Apparently, if you accept what your inner child has to say (as you would an ailment), her pain will ease, as you are accepting her and meeting her needs.
I have heard that with these sorts of conditions, listening to your emotional and physical needs...not waring to get rid of the condition right away...is what will help cure it.
Just accepting the way you body and health is.
It can be really hard to just accept that, not wanting to accept it in order for it to get better.
The adrenals i believe, are telling you to slow down...so i guess, that in order to get better, hearing them and doing what they ask of you, is in effect, slowing down...and that will make them better faster.

have had to let others take care of it, but the plants are babies and need watering and i'm afraid that they don't know anything and will muck it up and aaaaargh!  instead of enjoying it, i'm afraid i'll be devastated if i lose it.

Such a shame you havent been able to do what you enjoy, and i think its natural for you to worry that your plants wont survive.

Apparently, the desire for things to hurry up and get better, just like you asked the doctor, can still be there, the mind can still be ticking over, even if a person has slowed down. Even if they are on vacation. -
becasue mind and body are connected, that mental energy doesnt help the physical body to actually properly relax. You are still running and stressing and rushing ahead in your mind.
Really hard to stop i know.
And you mentioned chronic fatigue...it was this video i watched by the spiritual teacher teal swan, who i am a bit iffy about...she talked about chronic fatigue and i started wondering if it was the same for adrenal fatigue.
i guess it depends on your own trauma that creates your own reasons for the fatigue.
She spoke about tension. Tension needing to be different or to be accepted or to be well.
I can post it if you would like it.

And did you know that being overwhelmed is a key component in Adrenal Fatigue? (apparently)
Im thinking, is it any surprised that after everything you have been through, that your body is tired and grinding to a halt? Perhaps your emotions are spent with the alexithymia? Unless you are not able to outlet the anger you talk of having so numbness is what covers it.

It must be putting a stain on you worrying that you wont be able to do the christmas stuff.
I hope you don't mind the stuff i told you. I down know if its correct, but i learned it recently and if you'd like links i can send them.
I guess, I'm just trying to say, that its totally ok that you want to feel better. i hope that, if they are right and that healing comes from accepting your pain, that you can come to (if you wish) a place of acceptance for the place your body is in now, in order for it to heal.

Take care

  Sanmagic. I don't know what to say that might help. So ill say nothing, but just let you know that i understand and that i am with you, in thought.

Aw, thanks Dee! I always volunteered, just, making use of their kitchen to eat hot meals now the shame has decreased some.
I hope your doing ok...

Don't know if i should post...but oh well, I'm gonna...

After an intense period of feeling shame and feeling hopeless about life,
has anyone else experienced an upsurge in energy?
Dramatically so?
Parts that carry shame-
This part came out- the part who agreed with my parents - (that I'm worthless), so now i think the whole world thinks of me in the way that she did. (my mother)
That is the part who doesnt care that I'm so bad. Dissociation perhaps helped - well, that is a dissociative part
Now i feel I'm above that part. Feel light. High. Not enthused about life, but feeling better *in myself*
Eating a bit more at volunteering when i can has boosted my mood...
but i think its another part that has come out and taken over so that i don't feel the crushing pain of shame anymore and not wanting to go on.
Shame carries anger with it. Anger directed at the self - if not projected onto others.
Wondering if feeling so different, energetic, is pent up anger that i didnt express?

And after a T session in which i felt..kind of...abandoned by her- not her fault- i do think its all in my head...I shut my feelings off.
Could be the survival part that feels noting but running away and adrenaline- ie. usually when narcs *do me over* and a relationship breaks down.
but i wasnt running. I just froze, and a self destructive part came out- which i think protected me from feeling shame. After my *blow out*, i felt no shame.

Just curious. Can anyone tell me what they thin this part is?
I just feel so *drastically* different.
I know that the opposite of feeling shame can be narcissism, and that narcissism can come out in some parts / a part.

Thanks...

Yes, best of luck Sanmagic.

Sanmagic, 
I understand. I hope they if you want it., they you can get the help you need.
We are always her for you.

Hey Whobuddy,
Its totally ok that you havent been on line. I hope your ok.
And thanks a lot, for letting me know what you think might help...
I did used to eat late when others weren't around, only now there someone always around till the late hours.

Im not sure if i felt not taken care of in the beginning of this *food thing*, maybe but i don't remember. Sub consciously it could be. Its like i feel nothing about it, until yesterday in therapy when i broke down crying..very unexpected and i wish it never happened.

Im very glad your T said you can call him/her, and good for you for asking. Must have taken a lot of courage.
There is no way i can ask that of my T. I cant be open with her either, and yesterdays session i couldnt tell her properly about what has been happening. I don't think she cares about my weight loss. Thank you for suggesting it.
Its just me and -....me. I have battled this before alone, so i can do it now. I guess i just don't want to have to.

My antidepressant is also an anti-anxiety medication.  Because I was on meds and told my sister how much better I feel she went to her general practitioner and got on them herself.  She has thanked me over and over for giving her the courage.  She said it is huge, especially with anxiety.  She only wishes she tried this years ago.  I tried one, it didn't work.  Then I was on one for just over a year and it stopped working.  Now I am on a third and I am feeling better again.  It doesn't take away life's problems and isn't a cure-all, but it does help you get in a place where you can work through it.

Thats so great Dee that you found something that works for you, your sister too.

Trigger Warning...


I think my worry is that, whilst i don't want to feel this, I'm afraid i wont be able to work on stuff in therapy if i just don't feel the anxiety or shame anymore.
But maybe whats more important right now...is eating. And i want this fear of what others think and my sneaking around to go away.
And my worry too is...what if its true...all the things I'm *convinced* that everybody else thinks about me? If i went on meds- good for me- if it dulls out the pain of this...and sure, i didnt ask to be born etc etc. but...what if i don't feel this stuff anymore...and I'm just bumbling about in the world feeling just fine...when really everyone is thinking bad things ...maybe I'm just afraid that if i felt ok that people wouldnt like it, i cant be myself...etc etc.
but, if i really didnt feel and didnt care, then I'm good...

I will think about it. in fact, i will talk to my T about it. 

San magic...thank you. I will speak to my T about them.
I thought they fitted-the meds but I thought when i came off them that it was just dissociation that kept me from feeling fully...
I mean, maybe meds are meant to tempera rally fix things so much that the paranoid thoughts about what others are thinking and the outer critic etc./inner critic is meant to stop- and not just the feeling of anxiety.
I don't know. I thought meds would never fix the voices in my head if you know what i mean, and i think my anxiety is cased partly by those thoughts...so i thought that meds wouldnt help even temp use because the voices would still be there...

It makes sense if it will help me eat and be more.. *normal*.
Thank you for your thoughts...

Thanks Dee, i understand now. I thought that was what you were referring to.
I just mean...I feel so stuck. I know that know one can make me feel better or fix this for me because there is not quick fix for this stuff, and if someone else did it for me, it wouldnt be genuine.
I meant which i didnt say..that i just want a break because its taking its toll on my health and energy.

Thank you Three Roses.
I know i must eat. Im eating snack food but its not enough and its not good for my body and yes, my blood sugar is effected.
I just don't know how to eat.

Do you have any suggestions of how to start small?

Dee, thanks for your reply too and for sharing what helped you and also for your suggestions.
I was on anti depressants before..when i lived in a shared house in the past..and this problem was still the same.
I don't know if anything would stop the thoughts about what people are thinking of me.

As for letting someone know..im not sure i can with the one person who seems...more friendly.
I ended up telling my housemates in the past...but it didnt help.
I find it hard to let others in and when the fear is here, i cant go out there.

I do want to stand on my own two feet. and i have been doing that, as i have no parents who are supportive, so i have to figure life out myself.
I just...cant even get started when it comes to this, which is why i would like some help.
I was not able to overcome this in the past in shared accommodation.

I don't know if your saying to not ask for help..if there is anyone to ask..or if there is anything they can do...i think sometimes we need a nudge.
I hope you can receive some support for whatever it is that you need some help with, and if not, i hope you can accomplish what you need to.

[at times]

Who buddy, thanks a lot for your reply.
It surprised me when you say that i might be stuck in an EF. I think i know that and have thought about that ... i guess i just forget when its continuous, and i guess it doesnt feel like one because i believe what the shame is telling me.
I have a therapist i see. I talked to her about the anxiety in the house, and the not eating, which at the time, not eating was due to another trigger.
Everyone at volunteering has been saying ive lost so much weight...but T never said anything. I brought it up with her and thats the only reason we talked about the weight thing.
She knows about the shame and knows I'm not eating because i cant go out there.
She's never said ..feel free to call if you absolutely have to...and the one time we arranged to talk on the phone..i froze up and couldnt talk.
Sometimes, i wish i had someone like her on the other end of the phone.

The staff lady said at the house meeting ..your never here are you? Do you ever cook? and i said no. I am not there as much as possible, but I'm just hiding in my room when i am.
The others might think i don't want to eat or that i eat out. At volunteering last week, i couldnt come out of the toilet either until people in the corridor had gone.

I projected a lot of this onto my partner i guess- unintentionally...my rage about him not doing housework. I just ..do it. Maybe i adopted my mothers standards, and maybe these feelings are what was underneath that need to have a clean house.  I guess i had a go at him for his mess...(which i do think at times was justified...)like my mother went crazy at us...as maybe subconsciously...that way i felt better about myself...i was on top...not the one in trouble.

I want to know what this flashback is about...
Why i can't go out there when a new person comes in and why i couldn't before her, because cant walk into a room of people.

Thanks a lot for your reply.

Triggers where I'm living brought up shame.
Been trapped in it for about a month.
Always had issues with this. With going out into the communal area (in refuge for domestic violence)
New girl came in. Not been out to cook or eat. Loosing so much weight. Started with needing to not eat for control and self punishment.
Too afraid of people. Too afraid to go out there and do my share of the cleaning.
They are up late at night, so cant always do it then.  Had house meeting. They all know i havent been cleaning, that new woman I'm afraid of was looking at me, so i said, i havent been cleaning, and I'm now even more afraid of this new lady..fear that she thinks I'm lazy, when that is not the case.
Terrified for them to look at me. I can't be seen. Now, feeling shame for feeling shame.
Transpired to a lot of things, which is why i havent been posting.

Im just ..at the end of my tether...dont know what to do..hense the post.
Tonight, heard someone mopping the floor outside my room. Felt fear. That they would knock, and ask why i didnt help. Thought i might have unintentionally dragged mud into the house when came back in earlier. That id be in *trouble* and that thats why she was mopping.
Braved it and went to the bathroom just now...only someone came down with what i think was the hoover.
Just froze, rooted to the spot. Such terror and fear. Visions of whoever it was knowing i was in there, hoping they wouldnt bang on the door. Couldnt leave the bathroom for fear she would come out of the lounge. Back in my room, heart pounding out of my chest, and i hear a noise in my room. Crying and feeling trapped.

I have been feeling frozen in my body a lot, too scared to move.
I realise I'm afraid of my mother. That i think that this woman will be like my mother. The floor mopping brought about a flashback filled with fear.
That she hates me..what must she think of me etc. , she must be angry at me for not cleaning. They must all think I'm weird and anti social.
Im so terrified of people.Thought i was past it but I'm not-past has come back to haunt me.
Im scared here and i don't feel safe. I feel trapped. Just want to leave and to feel safe but i have know where to go.

scared to come home at the end of the day. But i only have the streets to wonder.
I feel lost and scared, and kind of like an orphan. Know where is safe. I wont go back to my dads, to my hometown, to the people who gave me all these problems.
I want / need someone to take me to somewhere where i can feel safe, where i don't feel like i have to hide in shame and fear. Somewhere where i can eat a hot meal.

Hate this side of me..but i need support. This feels urgent and i need help. I cant function in this house due to this fear and anxiety-triggered by being in a sort of *home* environment, with new people i don't know well.

Anyone have any suggestions of what i could do? Meds?
Thanks...

Hi Butterfly66!
Welcome! I am also from the UK.

I reckon that if Pete Walkers information resonates with you, it may be that you do have Cptsd.
I have also heard- from Pete Walker himself...that people with anxiety or depression, or whatever it may be...he thinks it is really Cptsd, caused from trauma.

Im thinking , that maybe your depression also, was an emotional flashback...as i know that numbness can be a trauma response..and triggers can set off the numbness or depression...only you might not know that youve been triggered or what triggers you at first.

I have been off meds for years and taken the alternative route but nothing seemed to help.  A few months ago I started doing some mindfulness meditations and soon began to realise that whatever I do I become obsessive about it, I was with myself for hours and hours not wanting to come out of the semi consciousness and relief from daily life these meditations brought.

Its really great that you have been trying things to try to help you.
It makes sense to me that you didnt want to come out of the medications..as you said, it was relief from daily life. Did you know that meditations can be a form of dissociation for some?
But a good realisation to have, about the fact that you become obsessive about things.

How interesting ... about the physical numbness. As a freeze type, I'm wondering if i am..*numb* only just don't know it..as ive never known any different from what i know. Would like to do somatic work..as mind and body are connected..and i don't know if i can properly heal if i don't do both.

Not familiar with Pete Levines work. Cant even spell his name...but i may look him up.