Partner broke up with me.
T says its not my fault.
He cant deal with seeing me go throng this- he knows its the CPTSD, not me, and he knows its not my fault- thats what he said.
He blames my parents, and says the CPTSD isn't me, but he admits he has a hard time separating me and my symptoms.
he said he worries too much, it is the lack of intimacy more than his lack of social life that is making him break up with me, even though he knows its not my fault.
Weather i rage unintentionally like i did in the past, or keep this all to myself, he can't deal he says.
He can't deal with seeing me not doing well- going through these emotions, he can't deal with the fact that i have to feel things and get them out of me, even if its not aimed at him, and I'm simply depressed or crying. he can't deal with not being able to fix me.
He can't deal with it weather i open up to him or not, and I'm no good at opening up.
He says he can't go out and have fun cos he worries about me being at home and not being ok.
I told him its all part of the process and that it comes and goes, but he said that it seems like there are more bad days than good iwht us and he can't do it.
I told him i wanted us to come to a compromise on having people over and him going out, but he feels too bad to go cos he worries too much about me not being ok that he can't have fun.
He says he isn't strong enough.
We broke up last time i went to therapy- saw a T once.
he said he couldn't deal with my moods.
I understand his reasons- i really do, but I'm angry with him- although not feeling it as much as i perhaps should maybe because I'm in shock,and also exhausted with feelings that have been comming up due to therapy.
he has dumped me again like a big fat abandoner, i wonder if his love was ever real. i never trusted and now i will not trust another man ever again, more will i let myself love another again.
T says that its not my fault, that i have done nothing wrong and that I'm stronger than i know,
He says i haven't done anything wrong too but i still hate him. Part of me thinks that although he has is own childhood problems, he won't look into them, so as I'm feeling all the really scary feels, can't he at least support...? i just think that he is weak as its me gong through this scary *- but i know that is another part of me talking.
im sick of being dumped like a bag of garbage over and over again and i can't let him take me back if he so does, i need to learn self respect, and perhaps this is a learning journey.
He says he cares about me- as a friend, but i feel he doesn't care. He doesn't understand the terror i will be put through with him leaving- and i know its not his problem to fix or his fault.
I just feel uncared about, which is how he must feel with me being unavailable to him in the relationship, with my dulled down feelings because him being close and available freaks me out- i understand the patterns and the psychology here.
I need someone who loves me, who really loves me, and i can't even love myself. I know I'm repeating a pattern and I'm living a self forfulling prophecy, but its come to a head, and its too late. Im not even sure if anyone else can love me and i feel deeply that there is something wrong with *me*.
Im scared that the feelings will hit like they always do when he left me in the past, and I'm scared i won't be able to handle it.
i need to see it as flashbacks back to the past, and try to hold myself together as best i can, whilst feeling this horrid stuff, so that i don't go off the rails and do something to end it all.
I have felt like giving up, for the past moth now.
Im so scared to be alone, and just need support.
Apart from T who I'm not sure if i can just call any time if things get rough, i don't have family or friends i can turn to and I'm scared to do this recovery alone.
I now understand why people do youtube blogs and blogs about their recovery, because to have someone know how they feel and the extent of their pain, is better than having know one, and you only see Ts once a week for an hour, which sure, is better than nothing but doesn't help the isolation in the week.
I guess any words of encouragement would be helpful, or advice,
(even if i feel i don deserve them, because i am no good at relationships, and i know on a logical level that it is because of trauma, and not my fault.)
I'm desperate and i just need to be strong and i need to keep on going. I'm scared to collapse and be surrounded by all these really scary feelings, and if it happens, i will be totally alone, because i have know one, not even partner any more and that is the scariest thing to me.
It seems there is never any rest from chaos any more and i don't know how much more of it i can take.
Thank you so much for listening, i really appreciate it.
and this is Indigo by the way, just singed in as another name, due to problems signing back in, but i will try to sign back into other account.
T says its not my fault.
He cant deal with seeing me go throng this- he knows its the CPTSD, not me, and he knows its not my fault- thats what he said.
He blames my parents, and says the CPTSD isn't me, but he admits he has a hard time separating me and my symptoms.
he said he worries too much, it is the lack of intimacy more than his lack of social life that is making him break up with me, even though he knows its not my fault.
Weather i rage unintentionally like i did in the past, or keep this all to myself, he can't deal he says.
He can't deal with seeing me not doing well- going through these emotions, he can't deal with the fact that i have to feel things and get them out of me, even if its not aimed at him, and I'm simply depressed or crying. he can't deal with not being able to fix me.
He can't deal with it weather i open up to him or not, and I'm no good at opening up.
He says he can't go out and have fun cos he worries about me being at home and not being ok.
I told him its all part of the process and that it comes and goes, but he said that it seems like there are more bad days than good iwht us and he can't do it.
I told him i wanted us to come to a compromise on having people over and him going out, but he feels too bad to go cos he worries too much about me not being ok that he can't have fun.
He says he isn't strong enough.
We broke up last time i went to therapy- saw a T once.
he said he couldn't deal with my moods.
I understand his reasons- i really do, but I'm angry with him- although not feeling it as much as i perhaps should maybe because I'm in shock,and also exhausted with feelings that have been comming up due to therapy.
he has dumped me again like a big fat abandoner, i wonder if his love was ever real. i never trusted and now i will not trust another man ever again, more will i let myself love another again.
T says that its not my fault, that i have done nothing wrong and that I'm stronger than i know,
He says i haven't done anything wrong too but i still hate him. Part of me thinks that although he has is own childhood problems, he won't look into them, so as I'm feeling all the really scary feels, can't he at least support...? i just think that he is weak as its me gong through this scary *- but i know that is another part of me talking.
im sick of being dumped like a bag of garbage over and over again and i can't let him take me back if he so does, i need to learn self respect, and perhaps this is a learning journey.
He says he cares about me- as a friend, but i feel he doesn't care. He doesn't understand the terror i will be put through with him leaving- and i know its not his problem to fix or his fault.
I just feel uncared about, which is how he must feel with me being unavailable to him in the relationship, with my dulled down feelings because him being close and available freaks me out- i understand the patterns and the psychology here.
I need someone who loves me, who really loves me, and i can't even love myself. I know I'm repeating a pattern and I'm living a self forfulling prophecy, but its come to a head, and its too late. Im not even sure if anyone else can love me and i feel deeply that there is something wrong with *me*.
Im scared that the feelings will hit like they always do when he left me in the past, and I'm scared i won't be able to handle it.
i need to see it as flashbacks back to the past, and try to hold myself together as best i can, whilst feeling this horrid stuff, so that i don't go off the rails and do something to end it all.
I have felt like giving up, for the past moth now.
Im so scared to be alone, and just need support.
Apart from T who I'm not sure if i can just call any time if things get rough, i don't have family or friends i can turn to and I'm scared to do this recovery alone.
I now understand why people do youtube blogs and blogs about their recovery, because to have someone know how they feel and the extent of their pain, is better than having know one, and you only see Ts once a week for an hour, which sure, is better than nothing but doesn't help the isolation in the week.
I guess any words of encouragement would be helpful, or advice,
(even if i feel i don deserve them, because i am no good at relationships, and i know on a logical level that it is because of trauma, and not my fault.)
I'm desperate and i just need to be strong and i need to keep on going. I'm scared to collapse and be surrounded by all these really scary feelings, and if it happens, i will be totally alone, because i have know one, not even partner any more and that is the scariest thing to me.
It seems there is never any rest from chaos any more and i don't know how much more of it i can take.
Thank you so much for listening, i really appreciate it.
and this is Indigo by the way, just singed in as another name, due to problems signing back in, but i will try to sign back into other account.