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Im putting this in the emotional flashbacks section, because this might also be an emotional flashback.
Once again, i just want to get something out.

I believe my X was a narc. His T and mine said he has narc traits.
He hurt me in the relationship.
I hurt him too.
He broke up with me, after 9 years, and did some really hurtful things even though we weren't in a relationship anymore. I cut contact with him.

This person, ill call her J, knew about how X hurt me and what he did.
She came and helped me move out all the stuff he packed into bin bags with out my permission after i left upset, and this was on my birthday.
He moved another girl in straight away after we talked about this and i said that whilst i was finding my own place and still living at his, i don't want her here.
T said that was reasonable as he is being disrespectful and selfish.
i moved out as they were in bed to gether despite agreeing on this, and his behaviour was scaring me.

She said she had relationships with narcs in her time, so she said she understood.
She said she was disappointed at his behaviour and what he did.

We have this group we go to, at the Allotment (as part of volunteering)
X didnt go to the group.
J believed that he was being considerate, despite evetytig else he did such as flaunting his new girlfriend in front of me, despite asking me how i felt about it, and yet still doing it.
But-
I thought that X was not coming to the Allotment because he knew that J was on my side (she said she was leaning more towards me as she had been there herself)
and he felt too uncomfortable, because J knew everything he had done.

Lately, i have been on a self destruct mission.
Started after a T session in which i felt invalidated.
As part of this self destruct mission, I told X that he could come to the allotment and asked J to get in touch with him to tell him that.
I am not going to go because its too hard to be around him.
I felt that -
during the relationship, be both hurt each other.
Only difference is, is that when the relationship was over, he continued to hurt me, whilst i didnt hurt him. So i felt justified in not wanting him to come back to the group, and J said she understood and that it was fine.
She even said she didnt really want him to come back.

After telling X that i wanted him to go back to the group, i told J that i warted him to come back, (she runs the group),
that it was not fair that he wasnt going to the group, and that i am just as bad as he is, that i hurt him a lot, if he did anything at all that was wrong.
(And this was all because of something T said in session, which i might have interpreted wrongly so i was taking all the blame)

J text me last night saying:
that X took me very seriously today when i said that i wanted him to come back and that he was very touched.
I replied saying (not that i was self destructing)
Im sure he did because he thinks I'm doing the right thing.
I said, i don't know if I'm doing the right thing but i don't like myself very much at the moment, so I'm just going to bow out.
She text back saying:
that it wont be easy but she thinks I'm doing the right thing and that it might make it easier in a way.
I understand the feeling of doubting yourself.
You are going through huge changes at the moment, so don't be so hard on your self.
This assessment cant be helping either.
Try to sleep.
---
Was i hoping sub consciously that people would see that I'm self destructing and want me to stop?
She seems to have changed her thinking to me. She is different to how she was at the beginning when i thought she was there for me.
I wonder if X has been saying things to her. They have been texting.
I dont trust her. She said he tries to remain neural but I'm thinking that maybe she believes whatever he has been saying to her.
I think that she might think that i am the bad one, that i am completely in the wrong and delusional.
I don't know if i am!!

After that text, i just felt so invalidated, brushed aside, as through known can see me, known cares, know one would even care if i died.
I couldn't express my rage cos of living with others, and it just felt too huge and scary.
I went walking at midnight and drank the rest of the night to dull my feelings.

Im in so much pain and i don't know if its my fault.
I have  known in the world. And i feel that know one is trustworthy.
This woman isn't here for me at all, and she hasnt been due to some of the other things she has been doing, which i don't know if its all in my head or not.
Sometimes, i just don't want to live anymore.
Im in so much pain and know one can help me.
Not even T it feels.
Know one would care even if they knew.
And i said to this woman when she told about an awful night she had and how alone she felt, that if she felt she could, to ring me if she wanted someone to be with her, or to talk to.
Maybe I'm thinking that she should have *known how i felt* last night but maybe my text wasnt clear.
Was it obvious from my text that i wasnt doing ok??
Are people just ignoring my pain?
Am i expressing it in an outer child way that doesnt convey my message that i want help to others properly?

i just hoped that she was trustworthy.
Even if she is, i cant trust it and then more dark thoughts come, such as, well, ill never be able to have a relationship anyway cos i cant trust.

What if theres more going on behind the scenes that I'm unaware of?
Im not sure if I'm a bad person...but I'm convincing others that i am, and they are believing me.
maybe I'm delusional if i think I'm not a bad person.

I am seriously considering going back on anti depressants because i feel just awful and everything feels so hopeless, and not just because of the text. This has been going on for about two weeks now.
i need to know if I'm seeing things wrongly, even if it hurts me.

it just feels that everyone believes my mother, not me (as in my dad- he backed up her behaviour and said she didnt do anything wrong, even though they are divorced)
and what if J believes my X?

Guys, i don't know whats going on. Maybe someone has an idea here?
Havent been able to write about this for a week, due to feeling frozen when it comes to talking about it, and due to self destructing. (i know it doesnt look like it because I'm writing this post)

Last session with T, felt invalidated.
Told her i felt shame when i was rejected by this guy who i liked (he found out i liked him)
He touched me (before he knew about my feelings for him) and i told her and T said nothing. He shouldnt have done that if he didnt feel the same way about me.
I said that i think in my head, that *he thinks I'm too young* (outer critic i think), and T said,
*He was probably worried about what other people would think, i mean the age gap is big*
after i already told her session before that, that i couldnt tell her how old he was because she might think it was weird.
Is this an invalidation? Her jumping to his feelings, rather than understanding how *i feel* and what *im thinking?*
She said that its normal feeling how i said i felt- shame- when rejected.
I left feeling invalidated and thats why i said i was leaving her in my red flags therapist thread on here.

I stuffed my feelings that night and drank after the session.
I was upset that i might have to leave her.
I didnt acknowledge my feelings this week, thinking that there is no help...i felt so uncomfortable i couldn't talk in that session...so i didnt explain all of the story, and all of my feelings, but the bits i did say...she ignored and invalidated.
I decided to quit this healing journey. She wasnt helping me form connections and understanding about why i felt so terrible after this rejection and she didnt validate.

Then my dad phoned me and i answered because he never rings and i thought it might be important.
He invalidated me by telling me how i should feel, with out me having to say anything about how i was feeling. I would never tell him anyway, because he is invalidating.
I self harmed after talking to him. My rage was so intense.
Then i started to deny everything in my head.
My parents didnt do anything etc.

Saw T today.
I needed to see her before i made my decision to leave, and i thought that if she invalidated this session, i would get up and walk out. (if i didnt freeze)
I invalidated myself in season before she could.
I couldnt talk about anything *honestly* because i thought she would think its stupid and invalidate it.
Cant remember what happened, but she was on about shame and anger.
She said that if we have been taught we are worthless and shameful, ..cant remember...
and i said...
*why didnt you say that last session, when we  were talking about the rejection?*
and she said:
*oh, I'm sorry, i always assume you know everything so i thought you'd know that. Sorry.*
(She says I'm very psychologically minded a lot.)

I wanted her - the session we talked about the rejection-
to help me to understand where these intense feelings were coming from - why they were here.
She didnt, and i lost trust in her that she knows how to work with someone with CPTSD.

I did know that, but because she normalised my feelings - brushing them aside saying we all feel like that when rejected-
i didnt go on to the other feelings i had been having such as emptiness...
so i didnt get any insight to my puzzle and i also didnt talk about the other feelings because i thought she would invalidate and, or, brush them aside and offer no insight to them.

She got that i was feeling hopeless from our interaction today.
But I'm not sure she understands exactly why as i couldn't tell her out right that i was mad at her and why.

She said she was glad that i came today, as i said i wasnt sure if i should have come...
but i don't believe her.
She does this. She is invalidating one week, then great the next...so i don't trust that it was just all in my head because this week was better- because it *always goes back around*.

I don't know why I'm self destructing - a flashback??
Why am i denying everything?
What should i do? i can't talk to her cos I'm worried shell lie.

ok this post was way too long.
ill figure out what to do.

Hello guys.
Just interested to see if anyone can relate.
I think I'm feeling empty...but I'm not sure how to describe these feelings - i don't understand these feelings- and then i think- well, I'm feeling *nothing!*

Ive felt like this for a long time- possibly forever- but maybe i never noticed.
I know i used to block it out with TV and food.
When narc lady who was a mother figure to me, i felt empty. Restless. Sad. Sad that i couldnt have her as a mother, and i used to feel numb at times, bored and - empty.

Now that she has gone- a while ago...
I don't feel those feelings for her.
I do feel them for my T sometimes.
And sometimes i feel them for other people...but i know that they are my inner childs wants for parents.

This emptiness I'm feeling, is more like, a restlessness.
i know that it might be cortisol and adrenalin still swirling around inside of me.
The emptiness may have been triggered by a rejection lately, and my inner and outer critic going on a rampage.
I still don't feel *right* in myself, and i had huge urges to self destruct, but instead, i took to the internet to try to figure out why i was feeling so bad.
Maybe a lot of cortisol was released, so the tension from the rejection and trigger and from - forever, is lingering.
The refuge has been quite the past few days- everyones been out which has been great for me. I do feel more relaxed, but on my way home from volunteering today, i realise  that i am bored, empty, and I'm not sure if i need connection with others.

Maybe I'm missing the familiarity of narcissistic abuse- or (not missing it) but my body may be at a loss now that I'm having a break at the refuge from people, because all its known since i got there is stress.
Having to hold everything in- and feeling social anxiety too- like fear living at home as a child.

Why do i feel at a loss?
I didnt let out the need i had to self destruct after the trigger the other day that lasted for ages...so maybe its tension that i never released.
I have this strange urge to self harm and to drink, in order to feel something.
And i feel guilty about that.
I have only ever self harmed to stop myself feeling intense emotions- not to stop myself from feeling numb.
When i feel terrible, i would be glad to feel nothing.
So why do i feel this need to feel *alive?*
I have been less numb of late than i have in like, maybe my whole life (as far as i remember)...so..whats wrong with me?

Ok, so im not really sure where to start, but ill try to keep it short (as i know my posts are quite rambley and long)
I was gonna talk to T about this, and I will, but I'm struggling.
If anyone has any information about this sort of stuff, about how those with CPTSD may feel when rejected, i would really appreciate it.
I may be trying to intellectualise but i need to understand these feelings I'm having.

i never thought i felt this way about rejection, but the last rejection i had years ago, i never dealt with, and i was still friends with benefits with my Narc boyfriend of the time.

After narc X left, i started to have feelings for this other man.
They weren't there for a while, only, now looking back, I think i always liked him to some degree.
I finally told this person who has become a good friend (or so i hope!, I'm still distrustful), about these feelings, as she told me that she thought i liked another guy and i told her i liked someone else and she guessed who.
Then it became more real as it was out there.

My feelings grew, and so did my fantasies of this guy, and i let myself fantasise and think about him, and i let myself enjoy having these feelings again for someone, that i never thought i would feel again.
This was in part because this woman friend said that she thinks that, despite the age difference, if he realised he sub consciously liked me (as she thought he did), he would probably go out with me, despite the age gap, and she said I'm wise beyond my years and very mature. (which was an amazing compliment)

I thought i was not letting him know that i liked him through body lang etc. because my body language doesnt show how I'm feeling inside- there is a dissconnect and i just don't know how to flirt or use body language to let someone know I'm interested in them.
Turned out, he did know (and i was worried that this friend of mine betrayed my trust and told him)

Anyway...he told me over face book chat that he likes being friends.
And i knew i would dread it if i found out that he didnt like me back, and i have cried about it before, when i thought that he didnt like me, only, i didnt know just how much i would be upset.
I was so upset, and so scared waiting for him to tell me what he was trying to tell me via Facebook chat.

I asked my inner child what she was scared of but i still didnt know. I was scared of the answer no though for sure. Now i think my inner child is showing me her fear, the fear that she couldnt show me that night or that i couldnt hear even though i tried to listen. Im sure there was a part of me that blocked unintentionally what she was feeling.
I sat on my bedroom floor and cried for ages.
I smoked a lot. And i stopped smoking as much lately, and now I'm even smoking again in the mornings. I think I'm self destructing and i had the urge to drink the other day.

I know like Dutch Uncle said, i need to grieve current losses, and they will open the door for past losses.
i think its my pattern to intellectualise everything and relate it back to the past to disassociate me from the present time hurt. Its a distraction so that i don't feel the hurt of the current loss- which feels so frightening.

I felt so great after session with T. We really bonded and she shared some stuff with me.
She gave me some great compliments and i believed they were genuine.
I felt so good about myself, and i wish i could return to feeling that way.
I wish this guy could also see those things about me, things that aren't apparent from the way i present myself in the world.
Maybe i want him to see them like T did, for validation? Because i don't believe those things about myself-they do seem to good to be true.
And people ive been with, take compliments away (narcs) so I'm worried she will do that.

It hurts that i want him, but I cant have him.
Im sick and tired of always wanting something that i cant have.
Just like with the narc lady, who i wanted to be my mum so bad.
It was painful seeing her every day and not being able to *have her*.
And i wonder if i felt this way about my own parents and that maybe thats why it hurts so much.
But when i try to tap into grief about my parents, i feel nothing about them, or about that.

I have been, since this *rejection* feeling miserable, just not right in myself, depressed almost...greiving,- it feels like someone has died. (and what might have died, is knowing that i can't keep on thinking of him in that way and the hope that he would like me too has gone.
I cant feel those crush feelings anymore- they feel addictive. I felt energetic and high and like life was more worth living apart from this trauma stuff and the refuge- all the hard stuff.)
I just wanted to have more to life than just the hard stuff.

I feel that this dude just thinks I'm a silly little girl, and i feel that my inner critic has amped up big time.
My mother is in my head telling me that i need to snap out of my silly fantasies,
i always like guys who don't like me back (its my pattern- whats the pattern called here???)
I think that this guy is freaked out that *I* liked him, its not a compliment to him as it was *me* who had feelings for him!!
I feel worthless and as though know one wants me.
And i have suddenly started feeling really ugly and i hate the way i look, and i hate my body.
I don't know what is happening to me.
I thought i had lost weight due to the stress, and i think i have, but on photos taken of volunteering with me on them, i can see the weight on my face and I'm disgusted.
I don't know if i has been there since i lost weight recently, and i just never noticed, or if the weight is coming back on even though I'm still not eating enough.
Maybe I'm just noticing the weight that was always there, because this guy doesnt like me and feel ugly.
Why would i suddenly feel so terrible and self loathing about my own body, when ive never felt this hatred for my own body before??

If it was a flashback that i could sit with and cry and it would be over and id feel better, then id rather that and i never though that id ever hear myself say that.
This is hard. And we never even went out so I'm thinking , is my reaction to a *no*, no matter how nicely put, extreme?
I know its harder for us - this stuff- when we have an inner critic jabbering away in our heads.
Its hard for me as i believe the inner critic.

i don't know if i want this guy to like me and to see al the things that T says she sees in me, because i don't see them. Am i saddened that he doesnt see them, or like them if the sees them, because my parents never saw anything good about me?

Its crazy too because, when Im with my T, i don't want him. I down care for him as much its as though he has fallen out of my head and all my wants are placed on T in my mind.
I know i couldn't have both parents at the same time as a child, so thats why i split like this, so do you guys think that liking this guy is not only filling loneliness and emptiness i feel in my life, but that i may want him to meet childhood needs?

I know there will always be a part of me (inner child) who wants people to meet her unmet needs, and in part, thats healthy if not gone overboard...but I'm wondering if my feelings about him, then alternatively only about T and he is shut out in my mind, are to do with my inner child?
(i know i can survive flashbacks now, so i don't want this guy to fix or even help me, in the way that i wanted my X to help me)

At volunteering the other day, i nearly had a panic attack, i felt like i couldnt breathe because he was there. Whats going on?

Think i want to just vent some feelings that i dont really understand.
Its frustrating and different for me to be so confused
think I'm in an emotional flashback.
Sometimes in the day, there are many, and they sort of, separate and you move on from one to the next, and sometimes, they kind of, crash into each other.

Guys, sometimes the flashbacks are many and they all roll into one, but i cant explain them with out writing reams and paragraphs.
I am stuck. I keep experiencing the same ones again and again. Catastrophizing.
I feel lost as to what to do * myself. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. The feelings feel too huge to deal with.
I feel like a small child who has just been left, and who is frantic and suffering. Not to sound too dramatic.
I dont know how to take care of myself, and the desire isn't there anyway.
Its too triggering to take care of myself, as its a reminder of that want i have for someone else to be here for me and to help me.
Know one where I'm living will understand and i cant explain it to them and i feel ashamed and stupid for comming back to the refuge each day yet in another flashback, even if they dont know.
I just want to self sabotage today.
There was absolutley no point writing this. Maybe part of me is trying to reach out. But maybe thats not the right thing to do.

Hello people.
Not sure if this belongs this section, but i thought id put it in anyway.

As well as being able to sometimes sit with these flashbacks and the difficult feelings, another success / progress i guess is the decision to not hang out with these *so called friends* i have.

I went there yesterday and i was disappointed that i went, but i think that going back there after a while of not seeing them, (due to them not connecting me), has given me a new perspective.
It has verified all the things i talked about in therapy with my T. It has helped me to see clearly what is going on with them, and my feelings i think are not crazy for the situation.

I realise that even if i dont talk much about myself (i never do), that sure makes others talk more about themselves.
But, last night, i was thinking, that if they were really interested in getting to know me, and if they really cared about me, they wouldnt act like that- totally self absorbed. Not even saying hello to me.
They never ask further question or enquire about how I'm doing. All of them just go...oh ok..and just jump onto talking about themselves.
i would understand if i was saying deeply personal stuff that would make them feel awkward - but I'm not.

And they do not think narc X did anything wrong. He has fooled them well.
I never talked to them about it because they are not supportive anyway, and then i read about how narcs twist things round so that know one would believe the truth of the person they hurt.
And they invited him over with out even telling they were going to last night, while i was there. I only knew because this guy was on the phone to him, in front of me.
I was there first, and he always hangs with them, so they could have thought that tonight, i can hang with them.
it seems only fair to me.

If they really knew me and were real friends, they wouldnt fall for these narc lies apparently.
i know i cant let anyone know me, I'm too closed off. But, they have never taken the chance, and maybe i sensed that long ago so i never let them know me.
Only now i *really realise* what my problem was with hanging out with them, because of talking about it with my T.

Maybe I'm just angry at not being believed, even though i havent fought to be believed because i know better.
I would never let what narc X did to them stop me hanging out with them.
They dont have to believe me, but inviting him over last night was just so dam unsupportive and uncaring.
But i also feel ignored in their company and it just induces flashbacks. I dont feel good when I'm around them.
I just silently picked up my bags and walked out of their house before X came round.
I was terrified.
The girl there text me and said she didnt know he was comming, and that he'd only be here for a short while. I was thinking, I'm sure * stay the whole evening, and she just doesnt understand the panic and terror and trapped feeling i feel when he is there, and she wouldnt because she doesnt know, and i cant tell her its due to his (and my parents) abuse...as she would never believe me.

And this couple and their arguments- too triggering.
And if i freak out , they wont understand why I'm triggered. i would never tell them, only if it came to it, as i feel i would have to so that i dont look crazy.

I hate being alone, but i sure as * feel better about that at the moment, than being with people like them.
It seems safer alone, even though i may flashback and have these difficult episodes to deal with.
I feel like its wrong to want that peace, like I'm living in this safe world on my own...cloud cook-oo land that is not based in reality.
But- i maybe am more in reality, purging these emotions during flashbacks, than i am hanging out with unhealthy, uncaring, boundryless people.

Even if i have no friends in my life, - that scared me a lot. Being alone.
But maybe if i can find a way to be by myself in the world, then it will be ok.
I may meet good people one day, but for now, my T is the only person i have and i think that is keeping me strong.
Scary place to be, in case she leaves...
but for now, I'm so appreciative that she is in my life.
I think that a lot of people who have been narcissistically abused end up being on their own, and lots have friends who are self absorbed etc. so they dont see them either.
Its no big loss as i was never close to them anyway.  i just need to know how to be alone.

I was so angry and ended up kicking the mop bucked in the yard and smashing a cup (was not intentional, just happened, ive been stuffing any rage id felt my entire life)

So last night felt like an ending. And it felt good, powerful.

Thanks for listening.

Hello again.
Trigger Warning**

I am posting a lot lately about different things, and i do wonder if you guys think that i should just get a grip and stop going on.
I have literally know one who knows whats really going on...and this place is such a great support as well as outlet for me.
But, if anyone does think those other things, then please feel free to let me know ..to keep it down..shut up...go away...

Living in womens refuge. Narc X left me. Wont go into it all.
Flashbacks - due to this woman parenting her 2 year old- or rather more accurately...abusing him through neglect and verbal abuse. Invalidation. Which is emotional abuse...
So I'm crying a lot and running away out of my (ground floor) widow if it gets too unbearable.
I didnt care what she thought of me or what the other women thought of me for not being in the lounge with them a lot. I know my reasons are valid, those being:
.its hard anyway to witness that- to see a child crying and in distress
.Im having flashbacks due to seeing this

But the fear of what they think of me has crept up.
Maybe my inner child worries that she will be punished for feeling unhappy about the treatment of this little boy, as she could never speak up when her sister was left to cry, and she could never speak up when that happened to her.

The other evening, i couldn't leave my room.
Yesterday day time, i was in such a bad place, - flashback, thinking that know one cares, I'm alone etc. I hate the world and plagued with thoughts of not living. I cant help myself etc. i need support and there isn't any.
My pain invisible to the world.
I got back to refuge and lots of people were in the lounge. and i have issues with walking in to a room full of people.
I was exhausted and just needed to sleep.
I put on an act (apparent competence) around others, and these people are invalidating and also just talk to me about their own problems and i cant stand it at the moment, so i just didnt have the energy to go and talk to them.
The the little one was crying etc. which i cant witness. i would never stop his tears, only comfort him, but his mother stops him and shouts at him and i cant bear it.
I stayed in my room just lying there, miserable and i couldn't sleep. Adrenalin too high and i was so hungry but couldnt go out of my room to cook.
It makes me angry and feel helpless and then i feel..depressed and trapped because I'm stuck and cant just do what i want or need.  I cant leave to pee or eat something or drink water.

I was so scared this would happen as it happened before living with other people and i had pushed it out of my mind as much as possible as it was a really horrible time.
I feel so trapped there.
I finally made toast at 2am as everyone was asleep but i knew id freak out if anyone came down and saw me.

Today i left again out of my window.
It took me ages to leave and I'm so adrenally fatigued i slept till 2 and am still exhausted like i didnt sleep deeply enough.
As pete walker says, maybe I'm also not rested in the company of safe, nurturing connections to others.
Im scared of what they think of me. Im so  exhausted i cant go out there.
I was so hungry and tired it was effort to walk into town. Im eating out a lot and i need to start storing food in my room.
In town, there were lots of people and i felt really panicky, but more intensely that ive felt it around crowds before.
I couldnt leave a toilet cubical till everyone had left the bathroom.

Walking around- these people quickly walked towards me, cutting off the path i was walking in away from them, and one woman sighed and sounded like my mother. She used to say things about how i was in crowds too.
i understand, i get annoyed with others who dont respect that you are walking about too but i still felt shame and anger and was nearly broke down in tears, just really panicky.

I dont know whats wrong with me. Im thinking its social anxiety but it started because i started going out of my room less.
Do you guys think that remembering being neglected as brought about shame in me somewhere that is so...back in the past...that i dont know whats hit me??

Does anyone have any tips or things that helped you if you have struggled with anxiety like this??
Thanks a lot.

Do you guys ever have people tell you that you look well, and that you are doing good, and that you are a really happy person?
That you *are happy*.
It really annoys me.
And dissociation i think makes me appear ok about everything.
But those things I'm not ok about, they are gone in the morning and know one sees me in those times of pain.
And it seems that others ask how i am and if i give a tiny grain of salt of honesty, they either laugh it off, or they dont say anything.
I was testing things out.
So now I'm back to saying *im fine thanks, how are you?*
as my robotic, staged response.
Know one wants to see me, and know one wants to see me when I'm not ok, even if I'm not going on about it or crying.

I cant stand when others tell me what my emotional state is, or that I'm looking well, because sure i do look well, but that doesnt mean my body isn't hurting, and that I'm to broken inside emotionally and overwhelmed, not knowing how to cope. 

Hey guys.
I dont know where to start, but I'm worried that something is wrong, with my T.
Just come out of a session with her, and i feel bummed out.
Not because of what we talked about- (sure, it bumms me out)- but its more because of what she said, and also because of what she *didnt say*.

I dont know how to trust my intuition, but I'm listening to that something inside that is telling me that i dont feel good after seasons sometimes and that I'm doubting her.
I have always had this...not every session- some are great and she seems different.
I realise now looking back, that with narc X, if felt this way, - not good like something was wrong, like he wasnt emotionally there for me or present emotionally, as well as a general feeling that something was wrong.
Then things were ok, and i felt better, then it felt like something was wrong again only i never listened or trusted my intuition, and thought it was just me or that i was emotional flash backing or something.
He always said I'm irrational and that its me.

I called T asking if she could talk (it was urgent) and said shed contact me.
She called me but i missed her call because i overslept when i finally got to sleep that night- due to not sleeping much at all.
I text her to explain what happened, and
T didnt reply to my text to let me know that she couldnt contact me again that week.
So I didnt hear her for a week.

Is that wrong?
Am i making excuse thinking...
We didnt have a session that week-
because she was off so:
. It could have been bad circumstances that she was in - family stuff- anything, -
so thats why she didnt even text me.
or
.that she is too busy to text (who knows how many other clients she contacts outside of sessions)
or
.She sees lots of people, so she forgets...

She text me yesterday and apologised saying she had to get a flight, so she couldnt get back to me.
Am i wrong in thinking she is a bit late in letting me know that?
She asked if i still wanted to talk...so i took a risk and said yes...
So she rang me
She said-
*So, this is your time to talk about whatever you want to talk about-
so off you go...*
and i just froze.
There is so much to talk about, and i didnt know where to begin and her saying that scared me.

Is this a red flag?-
After one session with her, i text her to thank her for asking questions to get me to open up.
I told her i find it difficult to talk, so questions are really helpful.
It seems like she forgot this when we were on the phone.
Does she forget because she sees lots of people?
That person that is her- i built up in my head what talking to her would be like...and it wasnt how i thought it would be.
I was so upset after the call that i cried and was angry with myself, but i had to hold it together as i was around others and others that wouldnt understand or be the most supportive.

Im not sure if I'm not seeing things correctly..or if I'm imagining things, as all ive known from FOO and other friends and X, is narcissistic relationships.
X does things and did things- to intentionally hurt me T thinks.
He would know things, know how i felt about someitng, or what i wanted- he would ask...and then he would do the exact opposite-
or just ignore things that i told him.
I know he cant remember everything, but i wonder how much of it he did on purpose to hurt me.
Im worried that she is doing this.

Today in session, she didnt talk as much as usual.
She's not too much of a talker- which is good-
but i felt i got less from her than usual.
I hope she's not going through a bad patch.
I cant help wondering if -
maybe she likes to watch me squirm when there is silence.

And she's not there to change my opinion- she said that to me-
but why do i feel unsupported when i say something such as, its so stupid...after ive told her something truthful
I say it because I worry she is judging (as i cant tell what she's thinking from her silence)
But she just leaves it at that
and it sounds attention seeking me saying those things as though I'm probing for a reaction from her, but its automatic, i cant help doing it.
I know she's not me and not in my situation, but she has always seemed just so relaxed, and to me, sometimes it comes across as if she just doesnt care, even though she is sitting up in her chair and listening to me- and she *seems present*.
It just feels to me like she doesnt care *enough*

I always felt this with X. There was something missing, that being, genuine caringess about how i felt and what i was saying and there was lack of empathy.
My dad was like this and my mum too.
Its on video footage of our arguments and discussions (X and I) -we recorded to try and help us see what was wrong with us.

I told her i was afraid to go cook in this place and why.
She said, *so, are you MAKING AN EFFORT to go and cook something?*
That made me feel uncomfortuble- as thought I'm NOT making an effort-
as though i can help this
and i told her before she said that, that I'm pushing myself to be around others.

Another red flag:
She didnt pick up on the signs of what partner was doing when i told her -
and ive talked about partner for ages when i was with him.
Today i talked about narcissistic abuse, what he had been doing-
and she didnt seem surprised or anything.
She hadn't heard of the terms used when discussing narcissistic abuse-
and this worries me.
Doesnt mean she wont be able to help me-
but-
when i first wen to see her, i asked her if she had heard of narcissism, and if she understands that its not ALWAYS me-
but that i am the way i am- BECAUSE of narcissistic abuse.

This is all so confusing.
She also said that i didnt need to ring her in the end about the refuge I'm staying at, because i managed to sort out what to do myself in terms of a refuge and weather to go or not.
which is the main reason i called last week in the first place.
That is true, and i realised that myself and i was so proud of that-
even though I'm tired of having to be strong all the time.
Im tired of suffering and feeling so bad and alone.

But what she said felt like an anbonaoment.
I know she's my T so she cant care about me In the way that i want her to.
But i wished that she said to me that i can still call if i need to.
She said to leave it next time and calm down then figure out on my own what to do , before calling someone.
She said i should trust myself more.

X said a lot of correct things- caring things-
but something was really off.
What if she's doing this too?
I have thought this for a long time, and i dont know how to listen to that voice that is telling me to be careful.

Oh yes, and i cant remember in what order it was said, but i said-
that I'm not ungrateful for having a safe place to stay...but I'm finding it hard there, and this is therapy so i have to be honest.
She said, yes, but it is good to have a place to stay.
Im  worried that she thinks I'm moaning.

She said we can talk about these red flags, as i blunderingly mentioned it one time,
and i told her i was worried she would convince me she didnt mean this or that,
(just like X did), so i think i have to figure this out on my own-
cos she could be very good at manipulating me.

One part of my brain says she is fine, another says not.
I know this is called cognitive dissonance, so do you guys think I'm experiencing that?
I just dont know what to do and ive thought this for a long time
How long should i go on like this- waiting it out??
Is all this just cos I'm extra emotional at the moment?

ps. i always doubt, then need to see her again as the week goes on, and all doubt goes away.

Thanks a lot for reading.

Other symptoms of Cptsd - thought this fitted better here.
I just want to write, to offload. Im doing this a lot lately, and i really do hope that its ok.
And this is not a woe is me post. I just need to get stuff out.

I am very appreciative of having a place away from partner- not my own yet, but a safe place.
I am homeless because he kind of threw me out, and i couldnt stay at friends place. They need their space etc. i could tell, and by this post, i am not moaning, just writing down how i feel.

So tonight is my first night here.
Im exhausted, and its been more difficult than i thought it would be.

After being all geared up to go somewhere, and somewhere that could offer support, after the gap as things went wrong and i couldnt go to the place after they said i could, i waited, not knowing what to do.
I was lying in bed the other night, thinking that all this isn't real. It feels like I'm just watching things happen in my life. Nothing feels real.
And this happened when the lady with undiagnosed NPD left my life.

So i was really nervous about going this morning.
I sat down and suddenly said to myself that i was scared and had a few small tears.
I remembered that i felt that way on the first morning of secondary school, and i talked to myself to try to calm myself down. I cried that morning too, but i knew i couldnt break down.
My parents didnt notice of course, and i was alone in my room.
Why remember this now?
I think that I'm realising that I'm doing a lot of adult things myself, and its hard.
Just like i always have.
I feel i have to keep it together.
There is no time for crying it seems and it seems to me anyway in my head, that others would think that strange, and that I'm not strong or a grown up. Of course id never intentionally cry around others.

Im worried about what the other people in this place think of me.
When i lived with others in the past, i had really bad social anxiety, and didnt eat in the evenings, as i couldnt go down and cook.
I dont want that to happen here. Im forcing myself to not run away or hide.
Then i would really worry about what they might think.

Children make me sad. Toys make me sad.
Came into contact with a little one today.
The fact that others are having a difficult time, including their children, its so sad.
I dont know how to be around children, and i think that my (narc) mums comment during my work experience with them has always made me worry.
I felt like i was about to break down and i dont know why.
The little one has no idea what is going on. He just wants to play.
And seeing the errors in others parenting is difficult.

The woman who works here asked I'm ok with children / if I'm used to them.
I was paranoid that she noticed me look upset and away when the little one was told off.

I had to buy food so i went into town.
I am so tense and my whole body aches.
It has been like this forever but am feeling it more recently as its intensified due to this long drawn out process due to whole break up and more with X.
I went for a coffee to try to relax.
I could feel myself disassociating sat there and i had a terrible headache all afternoon.
I felt so tired and heavy and buying food after was a *real* effort.

The people are nice though.
I just cant believe I'm here.

Im too afraid to tell them i smoke, for that fear again- of what they might think and
I dont want to smoke around little ones.
I already think that they dont like me and that I'm in the way.
I understand, a new person coming in is difficult.
I climbed out of my bedroom window and had one out there and found a little yogurt pot that i can stub out in.
I hope i can relax here, but i think that that will happen maybe only when i have my own place.
But it should be more relaxing and spacious than at friends.
Its only the first night, so ill see.

Thanks for listening.

Hey guys
I have know idea where to put this, as all the categories seem inappropriate for this matter.

I just don't know what do do now, and i thought, http maybe some of you right have advice or suggestions regarding what i should do...

Not living with Narcissistic X anymore
I was still at his place whilst i was finding my own place to live.
I left, due to his behavior, and have been staying at a friends place.

I don't want to be in their way, so i contacted Womens Aid for advice on a women refuge to stay whilst i sort myself out. I need a safe space to do all of it.
I contacted a refuge where i live and they said they have room for me to stay.
They said they would ring me back about it, and to just wait, so i waited and had no calls.
I rang back today and they said it went to voice mail. I have no missed calls on my phone, but maybe they don't show up for safety.
She said she couldn't leave me a message for safety reasons.

She said there is no space at the refuge.
I don't know if thats because i didn't answer their call as it didn't come through, and a space has been taken up,
or because I'm at a friends so I'm not a priority.
The lady said I'm homeless, - (i am), and that maybe applying to a homeless shelter would be better.
I googled the website she gave me the number from and it looks really complicated.

I didn't apply to the homeless thing..the band thing...because
I didn't want to end up somewhere i hated.
I just wanted to get a rented flat, as if i up my income, i would be able to afford that, and i would then need to apply for housing benefit once i have my place,
(I'm visually impaired and not in a full time job at the moment, and CPTSD is an issue to working at the moment)

so i don't know if i should stay here where i am at friends, and just try to up my income, and then i can start looking for places to live.
I don't know if i should try another refuge, or if there even is one.

Im just so disappointed.
I don't want to sound like I'm moaning.
It just seems that when things finally seem to be working out, it just suddenly all falls flat and I'm un hopeful again.

Does anyone here have any advice, or have any of you been in a similar situation?
Thanks a lot

So, this is a little weird, but i thought id write because I suggested making this birthday thread, and it was my birthday today, and also, it was around this time last year that i joined Out of the Storm.
I cant believe its been or almost been a whole year since joining the forum, and it was honestly one of the best decisions i ever made.
I have come across such lovely, supportive people and learned so much and i can never thank all you people enough.

Anyone with a birthday, please feel free to post and let us know, so that we can celebrate it with you.

Indigo / Sienna

edited the title a tiny bit as this thread was split from another birthday thread

Maybe this is for Out of the fog, i just wanted to offload, and this section seems appropriate for that.

X with narcissistic traits broke up with me again.
lots of stuff happened during the relationship that i was blind to, until i looked at the situation, recognizing that the abandonment mirrored my parents abandonment.

I began realizing that i was psychologically abused by him, i know about NPD from my mother, and from a friend i had who also left the friendship, who had NpD- both of thesepeple- undiagnosed.
X was doing a lot if not all of the things they do.
He kept doing things after we split.
I was still in the house we lived in together, as he said i could stay until i can move out into my own place. I cant go back to my parents.

He did lots of stuff and i was very scared of him.
I was putting in boundaries - not upfront or aggressively, i just wanted to protect myself from him and his psychological stiff that hurt me very much.
My T said that i am doing everything right, as i told her what he was doing and saying.
and i told her what i was doing to protect myself boundary wise.

There was one last straw in which i panicked and just had to leave.
He was looking for me while i waited for a taxi. I was terrified.
He didn't come round to where we wait for taxis.
I think he just wanted to freak me out on purpose and he wanted it to look like he cared at the same time.
I said i was going no contact by text, after him texting me stuff that were lies.

I was luckily able to sleep on this guys couch i know for that night.
I spent all night awake, trying to ring someone, just anyone t talk to.
I was feeling rage like never before, and felt i couldn't espress it in fear that my friend would stop e just like my X did.
I felt trapped and overwhelmed. I just wanted someone to be with me, and i wanted someone to hear my story.
The two friends i had were not supportive and didn't ask what had happened.
they carried on talking with each other and i just sat there, overwhelmed and wound up.

These other two people i know let me stay at theirs.
I have been there since last friday since i left that other guys house.
I have been rang a place for advice on where to go, not sure if i should ring, not sure if it was counted as domestic abuse.
I had to ring back with a reference after the weekend, and they have been so lovely and took me really seriously.
She gave me a contact to call and i am still trying to get through to a womens refuge in my area.

She asked lots of questions on the phone but it wasn't as scary as i thought it would be.
She let me take my time to talk.
She asked if X was physically or sexually abusive.
I told her about the times he restrained me.
She told me that that was wrong, that no matter the reason, he shouldn't have done it.
I told her that he said that he just didn't hear me when i was restrained in his arms and i said to him *your scaring me*,
and the first time, he said he didn't want me to leave in that state.
She said she agrees with what i told her my T said to me, that he is doing these things to hurt me on purpose.
She said that he probably did hear me as i was so close to him when he was restringing me.
She said that men that use power and control make excuses that fool the other person - that give the other person reasons for their behavior that they believe.
I remember his arms around me, how cold it felt. How uncaring it felt. How out of character (or so i thought) it was of him to do that.
I told her i could tell when he wasn't happy with me not wanting to have sex. I have issues with sex and intimacy.
But after the call i remembered that he said he would leave if i wouldn't have sex with him.
One time, i said yes to it, and i thought he knew i didn't want to, but i let myself be taken advantage over and so he did it anyway.
Afterwards i felt so used, so dirty, that i binge ate to hurt myself and then of course he comforted me.
He treatened leaving me a lot and did leave me over and over.

I started crying on the phone when this woman said that.
I had never talked about it before, and my worry that it could happen again if i go back to that house where I'm not welcome as his new girlfriend is there,
was valid.
He has broken all his promises, never kept to his world, his actions didn't match up with his words, so i don't trust him to not do that again, - i didn't even think that was an issue.
The psychological abuse is so painful and scary that that made me leave.
Whilst I understand narcism, it still scares me that the is doing these things on purpose to hurt me.
He is extremely untrustworthy, and if i went back, he might take back his word that i can stay.

After the second restraint, i ran away to the house I'm in now with these 2 people
I told the guy wat happened, and he never asked about it. It was like he did nt care.
I realize that a lot of the friends i have are self absorbed.

I was in bits after the phone call. Devastated.
I cried and just sat there in shock.
It freaks me out so much that i lived wit him. The fact that he is on this earth scares me.
The women here in this house asked how the call was.
I said it went well, and she said yeah??
as though she wanted to know more. I said i felt overwhelmed as i had to talk about things that happened in the relationship that i had never talked about.
Im sure she noticed i wasn't ok. Btu she still talked about herself to no end as usual and i was pretty quiet and didn't ask too much , which is my usual pattern to take attention away from myself.
I got the impression that she just wanted me to buck it up and act happy.
I was trying t ignore stuff like this. I have been and maybe still am, hypervig, in flight mode i guess.
But i cant ignore that.
Sometimes, apart from the forum, i have know one. and i feel so alone.
Im feeling a huge hole.
Not to sound like a victim, and I'm not after a pity party, but I have been domestically abused, and i have no support.
Its a lot to take in and its overwhelming.
I need others to be sensitive, to give me time, and to understand and accept me where I'm at.

X is charming. They don't understand narc abuse. They won't believe me.

Last summer, my dad visited.
X called him and told him how angry i was at him. I cant remember what X did or why i was angry now.
i cant remember why he visited. He said to my face that he only came to see me for such and such a reason. I knew it wasn't to see me. He doesn't visit much.
He wanted to know what was wrong, what was happening.
I couldnt explain and i knew he wouldn't understand, he has never been supportive.
I ended up saying that I have this weird fear lately, that partner could just do anything he wants its me.
He said, what?! your your own person. You do what you want!
and it came up that i was dealing with stuff from *mum* and he told me she as only a bit mean and to move on, stop analyzing things and be happy.
T was shocked when  i told her that.
So i haven't told my dad about the break up.

Then my dad rang today as its my birthday tomorrow.
Im mad at him for all he did. We have been talking about it in therapy.
I answered his second attempt at calling to get it over with.
He wanted to visit but couldn't for my birthday for some silly reason that doesn't show caringness- i cant even remember what he said.
He had no idea what to say about the break up.
Im thinking that to hear about partner, he might realize that he is like mum and he will feel guilty again and will minimize it.

I was a good little girl again *Yuck*, and just told him the most minimal stuff, he didn't ask hardly any questions, not much about what happened or how I'm feeling.
I have never talked to him about mum and what happened. I don't need him to change and i don't need his validation and i know its utterly pointless.
So i cant talk to him about this relationship I've been in.

I guess i just feel a bit s****y and unsupported, apart from this forum.
I have a lot of big holes in my life where others should ideally be.
Im so appreciative for this forum and all of the lovely people here who understand.

Thank you if you read this. Its good to get this stuff out of me.

Hello everyone,

I thought id put this question in this section *Relationships with others*, because I'm talking about the relationship i have with my T.

Little background on situation:
X with narcissistic traits broke up with me *again* and i cant go back to live with my parents, so he let me stay in his place till i was sorted with my own place to live.
He did some bad stuff- scared living with him, was putting in healthy boundaries, to protect myself-
T said i was doing all the right things.
She said he is doing the things he is doing to purposefully hurt me.

The last straw happened- i won't go into it,
but i left his house in a panic.

I slept on the sofa at a friends, (who i know likes his own space and wouldn't want me to stay. He didn't offer more nights there)
2 other friends kindly let me stay at theirs, and i rang the women refuge centre and they told me they couldn't do anything for me until monday.
It is Monday today, so I rang back and left a message as their lines were busy.  Im still waiting for them to return my call.

I didn't know if going to a shelter was the best thing.
i was unsure of weather i was being silly not to go back to that house.
I was wondering if i felt unsafe due to reasons that are more about my past, and i was wondering if anyone else who was enduring psychological abuse from partner with Narcissistic traits would freak out as much as i did, even if they didn't have the past i have had.

I don't know if this is narc abuse from FOO and him, but i cant tell what is what and never have been able to, and i have not trusted my own perceptions for so long, so like a child, i don't know what to do.

T said she will ring me in the morning as she was busy all of Friday.
I am not sleeping well. Taking me ages to get to sleep, mind buzzing etc. too adrnalised to sleep, and so i finally go to sleep, but accidentally slept through her call that morning.
I text her to explain what happened.

She hasn't replied to my text- but i can see that she has read it because it says *read* at the bottom.
I don't know what the rules are regarding boundaries with therapists and clients.
I feel like I've just *missed my chance* and  I know she isn't a *friend* who can say, ok we all make mistakes, i understand, ill call u back when i have a moment.
Its her job.
I was just wondering if you guys know what the deal with this might be- regarding her not responding to my message explaining why i missed her call, and that I'm sorry.

I thought that at least a text saying weather she could call or couldn't would be the right thing to do, as i got back to her-
i know it might look to her like I'm not that bothered about the call, but i don't think my voice message or the text (that i wasn't sure sent due to area till later) conveyed anything but being really bothered.

Maybe I'm a little paranoid that I'm attracting others who are narcy, or who don't really care and i don't want it to continue.
I just want to know if you guys think there is something *iffy* with her not replying to my text.
Thanks for any help or input- most appreciated.

Hello everyone

Just a little question about Disasociation around other people.
Everything has been very stressful due to situation with Narcissistic X break up, and is behavior.
Staying at friends as i had to leave his place.
Was there at his until i could get my own place- money being the issue i am sorting out so that i can afford to live alone.
Need to phone refuge shelter on monday.

They were out last night at my X's dads birthday party thing..
and sat alone in their house, i was not totally relaxed, but was a bit more relaxed than i had been with lots of people around, being busy a lot.
I felt myself disassociating. The head pressure, headache thing and everything sounded quiter.
Im like that today too, and very tired (which is understandable cos of the stress and adrenal fatigue and dissociation makes you sleepy)

I guess i just wanted to write.
I feel disassociated today. Things a bit quieter, even though they ar back, maybe thats why.
I am worried that they will notice.
That i am quiter and spaced out when I'm disassociated.
I don't want them to find me boring. -
I guess I'm worried they won't like me and that they'll throw me out, otherwise, i still do have these thoughts about what people think,
but i also at the same time, couldn't care less. Its hard to explain.
Maybe its 2 dissociative parts working together or something like that.
But right now, i don't want to leave, as i have know where to go, so it is about survival.
Im not using though, i do like these guys. Were not close close but we hang out.

So yes, i was wondering if anyone else has this- i think its quite common.
And i know anxiety can make the dissociation stronger- thats what I've read and experienced.
And i have anxiety around other people, and feel i have to be in a good mood and interesting and talkative to be liked.
I know this is not correct, and if people don't like me in my natural state, then thats their problem.

Sometimes its intense ,that I'm out of my body, or -
I find it hard to think clearly, cant finish a sentence, forget what I just said, or what someone else just said, and its really hard to even speak.
This happened once after a T session, and i didn't feel in control over my speech or thoughts.

What do you guys do if you are around others and you are worried they'll notice?
They probably won't, depending on the level.
ps. about grounding, I am at the moment, glad of this mental break.
I have been trying so hard to be in control. To evaluate everything so that I'm safe.
At times with X, this has been very necessary.
And i haven't been drinking etc.-havent wanted to for that reason.
Maybe this need for control comes from being disassociated.
I haven't felt the need to drink etc. to numb difficult feelings- as those feelings seem to be keeping themselves at bay.
Just thinking out loud here.
But i am glad for the break that my mind and system seem to need.

Thanks for reading x

Hey guys,

I hope this isn't too weird, but i just wanted to share a really positive experience i had today, and i think, that maybe, it might provide some hope for those of you that need it, who wish to attract healthier individuals into your existence, or at least, individuals who are not *only* about themselves, who actually *see* you and who treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

A little backstory..
Because of my parents...i got CPTSD, and part of the CPTSD for me, like many others, involves attracting subsciously to you, others that mirror your parents, / caregivers / the people that initially hurt you.
I have always had self absorbed friends.
I have just come out of a relationship with a man who has narcissistic traits, who hurt me a lot.
Sure i hurt him too, and i take full responsibility for that. We were not good for each other, and i changed a lot of my behavior, the only thing i couldn't change was opening up and doing the whole intimacy thing (counter dependent).
But he can not see his faults no matter how sensitively i put it, no matter if I'm blunt.
I attracted a woman who has undiagnosed NPD, just like my mother.

None of these relationships worked out, some ended because they ended them, and some ended, because i ended them.
I have wanted for so long, especially since this relationship with partner breaking up, to attract good people. i know i have to work on myself for it to work, and i wish for that too. it will happen one day.
Only, i think that it might be happening now.

Since the break up, people that i have always really liked, have been so supportive, with out me even having to ask or tell them or be open.
One particular person..i went for lunch with her today.
I noticed right away, that the conversation was equal.
Im a listener to others, but she didn't take advantage of that, and talk none stop.
She didn't talk over me, if i spoke, she didn't interrupt me.
She listened to me when i spoke.
Apart from my T, this is a first,
and with T, its about me, and she has to keep telling me that, because i feel so guilty for talking and her just listening.
With this person, it was equal, and I'm not used to that.
She took interest, she asked questions,
She seemed to care, and she demonstrated that.
She was empathetic, validating, perceptive, understanding.
I felt seen and heard by her.

She seems like me, - as they say- people are mirrors that you look into to see yourself.
So i would never use her kindness or lean on her to much. and if she is too much of a giver, thats an issue for her, but the conversation did feel healthy, and i care enough that i would never exploit her ...codependant? ways.
She is aware of her way of being too..to a degree.

She shared some of her story, with the undiagnosed NPD X, so she understood about my situation, and how it looks like he is a great person on the outside.
She believed me- because of her own experience and she didn't judge.
I felt less alientated, and alone, and i NEVER though id experience that, apart from with T and on here.
I know i want to shout the truth from the rooftops-
but i didn't do that.
I know that its not my job to get others to understand what happened / what is happening.
Because maybe i have a wound there, because my dad never stood up to my mother or protected me from her.

The things i guessed about this person all along, were true.
Another indicator that i need to trust myself, my perceptions and my feelings. T tells me that all the time.

I don't need her to be a mother to me, i don't need to lean on her for emotional support, (i need support) but i don't like her *for that reason only* and i don't need her just because I'm lonely.
I always liked her, just didn't know her very well, and it would be great to get to know her. Thats why its so great that it was her that stepped forward, I'm extremely lucky.
I really care about her, but i won't try to fix her.
It would be so great if we did have a friendship, because i have a feeling, that it would be equal.

A little bit of my real self appeared and i think she saw me in a different light.
I told her a little of what i knew, after her telling me a bit about her childhood, and the relationships she had been in since then, and i empathized totally, and she was open to hearing what i had to say.

i always envisioned myself being like the narcissist lady, helping others, sitting on the computer or in a cafe with someone like me, telling them what i knew, only now i know that its fine to help, if people want help, you can't just go around trying to fix people.
i really looked up to her, and thought she had healed, and ignored the niggling doubt i had in my mind that she wasn't, until everything ended and i saw the devastating truth.

After she left, i couldn't see a future *me* anymore.
Only now, i sometimes feel like i am like her, only in a healthier way that she was (I'm getting there)
I had to let go of that false image i had of her being healthy, and me being like her in my future.
But perhaps those two images of me being like her, but also being healthy and like myself, whatever that is, have blended, and maybe i am on my way to becoming that.

Going for a meal, and her driving me home, was like when i used to spend time with the narcissist lady. I still really miss her for sure, but i am numb to those feelings that i never grieved.
There is grief for me, about the fact that, what she said- some of the things = was right, and now that i am seeing that there was truth in what she said, she isn't here anymore of me to tell her that.
and its dad that she abandoned me, because i know she didi t because she was scared.
And all the illusions and dysfunctional behavior of hers, isn't HER, it was a defense against pain, and her head had been messed up by her abusers - not her fault.
Its sad that i had to not contact her again, cos i couldn't be in a realtiohshiop wither her as it was hurting me, and she would just repeat the same things she already did for sure.
If it didn't hurt so much, i wouldn't mind seeing her again. But out of self respect- weather it hurts you or not, you have to say *not ever again*.
(i know its not always possible to go no contact)

Today was in a way, sort of like a repeat of the past i had with the narcissist lady, only it seemed healthier, and I felt no pressure to be someone i was not.

I felt really overwhelmed since i got back. its a lot to take in, but in a good way.
Im not pinning any hopes on this person to fix me- nothing like that.
Im just very happy.
And this doesn't mean I've found *the person*...or that i have too high expectations.
I feel very down to earth about it all, after T helping me to see what i *do*, and who knows if it will go anywhere.
I have had a great experience with her, so i just wanted to share that.

it could be that when you are aware, awake, have your eyes wide open,
are more self aware, are on the healing path, send out a desire into the universe and through out your being to connect with like minded, more healthy individuals, or individuals who are working to become healthy, individuals who respect you, and you respect them...
maybe it really works.

I feel at a loss, and I'm at a loss about weather to write this, but I'm just doing it anyway.

Feeling shame, like i let myself down, because i opened up to someone in the outside world about what i am feeling and struggling with.
I feel stuck, because after my relationship break up, i realize that its not all my fault that it didn't work,
and its not my fault that i am counter dependent and relationship avoidant (closed off to intimacy- push others way to avoid being hurt)-
but the very fact that i am that way, did not help the relationship.
It wouldnt even help a healthy relationship.

So i thought, that maybe i should try to open up.
There have been a few, who have shown honest caring about how i am doing, considering they know the circumstances i am in, said all the right things and i have never had that before.
Something in me was telling me to just try, as this dude was very convincing, encouraging me to talk...saying that he can only help me if i will trust him..but that he won't force me..
and i felt i had no choice but to try, as my fear of being overwhelmed and alone is present.
The logical - wanting to heal part of my brain was telling me to just  try to trust in others.

So tonight, i was desperate and scared, so i opened up.
This guy seemed really sure he was ready and he told me that i wasn't freaking him out and that it wasn't too much.
I was upset at a present situation to do with the break up, which of course triggered abandonment and all the usual fears which i am sure are from my past.
its all just so hard to explain.
I didn't tell him about the past, but briefly mentioned that it has something to do with my past.
I knew it was a risk opening up a bit...
but i feel that it fell on its arse.

Its such an awful feeling to feel that know one is here.
I am certain that i freaked him out- and if that isn't so, his quick exit saying, maybe see you wednesday...
and not saying that much about what i had said, nothing comforting...made me feel uncomfortable.

Now I'm thinking that i overwhelmed him, even though he kept saying that i wasn't....
He seemed like a good person...he doesn't have to be like a therapist, just something of help to say...it was just too much for him.
maybe he wasn't the person, i was sure that even though consciously awe, i must still subconsciously attract people - anyone- who helps repeat the pattern and carries on my self perpetuating world view.

so now I'm thinking that, dealing on my own- even if in unhealthy ways, being very counter dependant and avoidant of others....is the way forward, i have no choice.
so maybe ill be stuck in this forever.
only it backfired in my past relationships.

At least i *dipped my toe* into the pool of *opening up and trying to be honest*...
and not drowned in it like i had with the narcissist lady.
So now i don't know what to do. Its just really gutting, and I'm at a loss.

I feel shameful for wanting help so badly. For needing others, even if i don't come across as especially needy. I think that everyone here will get sick of me and i feel that there is just nothing anyone an say that will make me believe them.
I can't believe what i have done, so back into my shell i go. I feel so hopeless.

I was just thinking about something that happened the other day.
i was feeling fearful. was very drunk, and was sobbing.
when i remembered it just now, i was imagining how to explain it to my T, the fear i had, and what happened.
I was thinking, what was so fearful about the trigger, that made me fearful, which ended up in me sobbing?
i realized that when i remembered myself crying, the picture i can visually see in my own head of that memory, isn't of me inside my body-
but i see the back of myself. i didn't feel out of my body when i was crying, but i was talking about myself as *we*.
i must have this about the past- watching myself- not *being me* in the memory.
its like it happened to some one else.
I don't fully remember properly how i felt when i was crying only a day or two ago.
I must be so removed from myself right now, and that is a weird realization to have for me.

[are alone, in the present time,]

I have a question i really need to ask, as i am desperate for help with this, so if anyone has any experience, things that help them, tips or advice, i am happy to hear it all, if you don't mind telling me.

My question is,
When you are feeling intense emotions- flashbacks back to the past-
what do you do when you are so scared to feel,
and when you feel alone, like you have noting to hold onto?

I know i need to feel feelings that are coming up.
But I'm so scared, a lot of them are flashbacks, but i feel alone, and i can't feel these things on my own.
I feel that i need someone to be there with me, to hold my hand, and to tell me the its going to be ok.
To talk me through it.
I realize also, that this feeling of being alone and scared, is another flashback in itself.
Being alone, feeling these feelings, is a flashback.
What if you are alone, in the present time, , and know one is there, - there is know one in my phone book i can call even.
I also realize that needing someone to be with me, feeling i have noting to hold onto, know one to tell me its going to be ok, are all things that i probably needed and felt as a child, which is why I'm feeling them now.
Im worried that if i let myself feel alone- ie. living on my own- i AM alone, won't it just make the feeling of being alone worse? I don't want it to devolve into panic.

So basically, i am looking for suggestions, and experiences from others, on how to get through this.
Thank you so much.

Hello everyone.
Im so glad to be posting here, with others who understand, and who might have some tips or insight that may help me during this time.

I know this post sounds- very martyr like and i hate that, part of the reason i couldn't place anger and blame an responsibility upon the place it belonged- my narcissistic mother and my dad.

Partner broke up with me, and it has opened some feelings.
Sure, I'm still emotionally disassociated from my feelings,
but some have been coming, along with some relations.

Abandonment flashback-
triggered by actual abandonment in the form of a break up.

Not feeling all of it thankfully- maybe i felt it in the past when he broke it off with me multiple times, wen he hurt me in the relationship (even if unintentionally)
and when we argued and didn't speak for periods.
Or maybe my mind thinks-
oh god- can't go there- we know what thats like-
and I'm shut off from it.

But i am afraid of being alone.
I have no family, an no friends.
i have alienated everyone in my life. and i don't have a partner any ore
He was all i had.
with out him i am alone in the world,
and i will be living by myself and I'm terrified of that.
Terrified of being alone, and of going through this process alone.
Terrified i won't be able to look after myself.
and had spirts of anxiety.
i feel like a child trying to live as an adult.
I feel like I'm in the sea, with out a paddle.
I fele i have know one and nothing to hold onto, when these feelings hit.
Its is a flashback to me, going thorugh this on my own, like i had to as a child.

I feel uncared about. Worthless. Dumped, like a bag of trash.
Unsure of what others think who know about the break up.

About my mother-
and my dad.
I have come to realize after being in denial and not being able to believe that i was abused,
that i was.
Watching videos on abandonment and on attracting partners that let you down in the ways that your parents did, has helped me to see the pattern that has been my life after i left home.
I saw it before, but never *emotionally felt it before*.

My mother- undiagnosed narcissist - and my passive neglectful avoidant father
programmed my brain for faliiour.
They made me intimacy avoidant- which effected my X relationship
and made me attract a partners to repeat the same patterns the happened to me as a child.
all subconsciously of course.

I have lived an awful childhood, and a life of pain after i left home.
I may have been taught a lie, about what and who i am, and i have been living off their script my entire life.
I was an innocent child, who i believe didn't do anything wrong, didn't deserve abuse and neglect and mistreatment,
and its so unfair that that happened to me and that i want loved or shown any ounce of respect.
My mind was programmed from a young age, to accept love as being painful,
to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns, to fear abandonment and engulfment and abuse form others.
I have wasted so much of my life in bad relationships.

Im thankful that i am only 25, as i know that i am starting this helming journey a bit earlier than some,
yet i have still lost a lot.
and i have lost a lot of good relationships i could have had,
i have lots out on having a good relationship with myself,
i have spent my 20s which apparently should be the best time of your life, and my teenage years,
loving out their patterns and getting myself into bad situations.

I felt angry, and cried angry grieving tears for a little while, then i dissociated.
another reminder of what my mother took from me  - the ability to cry and to feel feelings.
I can't even feel love anymore. and thats not all my mothers fault- it was my partners for his let downs my T says, so i turned love feelings off.
not to mention I'm subconsciously only attracted to relationships in which i have to work hard at it for it to be exciting for me. I don't know how to handle partners that want to stay, even if they are no good for me in terms of their own dysfunction and hurt that they bring to the relationship.

I just kept thinking about how i had bene treated like trash, when i had done nothing to deserve it.
None of my parents loved me, and they do not love me.
How dare she treat me like that. with disrespect, like filth, how dare she rip me apart from the inside out and ruin my chances of happiness even after i left her.
who is she to do that to me?
she doesn't get a say! and it sucks that she did- because i was just a child.
It sucks they can damage us so easily, with out our content.

She has literally ruined my life and she has ruined me.
I will never be able to be young again and start over. Those day are gone and theres noting i can do about it.
I will alway have empathy and compassion and understanding for her, but i feel i have a right to be raging angry with her for what she did, and for how she has ruined my life.

I always wondered if really REALLY wanting to recover, would mean some disaster happening for me.
And it has - this break up-
and i realize that I WANT TO RECOvER SO MUCH.
she is still living with in me, its like she is some invisible force here that is still dictating everything about my life and how i feel about myself.
I DONT WANT HER IN MY HEAD ANYMORE OR IN MY LIFE
She put me through *, and I'm still living the * and i want it to stop so much.
I absolutely hate her for what she did to me.

I know its my responsibility to heal. I know known an take away the pain but me, and i know I'm not feeling it all properly at the moment. I know i will be letting go of decades worth of the same pain from the family, that was passed on and passed on, but it stops with me. Im feeling the pain that she never let herself feel.
But I'm so scared. Of everything. Of being alone. And i hate her for that.
My life is so difficult, and I just wish it wasn't.
I want recovery to start, so that all the horrible feelings stop, it has started for me, as in therapy, but its so slow and agonizing.
I can't wait to start my life, the sooner the better, if i feel strong enough to keep on going.
Maybe you guys can relate? I just feel so desperate and so lonely.

Indigo