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If I slow down any more I'll start moving backwards...But thanks thanks thanks, support is so helpful.

Cascade, I keep trying it, but I don't really feel it. I do however feel really really sad. Black hole sadness. I really want to evaporate. I think early early developmental trauma is perhaps yet another beast in the monster manual of cptsd. I ordered the books recommended by PapaC and Armee and Dollyvee. Threw in Van der Kolk for good measure. I think I've been pretty badly shot up. Problem is there's no blood to show just what cptsd is actually doing.

I think this is going to take a little while to sink in...

Perhaps someone has information or feedback about this idea: Neurological development in principle begins at conception. Thus it stands to reason that trauma will have a different effect or outcome depending at which stage of neurological development the trauma begins. Trauma at age 30 will have certain differences compared to trauma at age 15. I think the earlier trauma begins in an individual, that is to say in-utero or very early infancy, the impact is significant regarding the stage that the brain is at in its development. I hope that made sense. I think in-utero trauma is very real, and it seems to make sense that this would impact many other aspects of the mind-body relationship. To be brief, it seems trauma also fits the description of a spectrum. And maybe that spectrum is amongst other things, dependent upon the neurological developmental stage of the individual when the trauma actually starts or happens.

Thank you cascade for your insightful reflections. They are pretty much spot on. I think we had a similar experience with our mothers. My mother has never seen the twistedness of her logic in bringing me into the world. This is just something that clearly has never crossed her mind. She, like your mother, used everyone around her to satisfy her emotional needs. She ate me whole emotionally my entire childhood. It was always her emotions that had the priority. If I wanted emotional support I knew I would have to give back twice as much as what I gave. No love at all, then having to pay for love was a horrible double whammy. This morning I looked myself in the mirror and told myself that I love me. Thank you for helping me and thank you for inspiring me to continue to try to heal.

My mother once told me she prayed and prayed for a baby boy. She thought that because my father was abandoned by his father that having a son would change his violent behavior. I was conceived with the sole purpose to save my mother's marriage.

I am truly so very happy for you PapaCoco. What a lovely change in my day to read such optimism and progress. You inspire. Thank you and I hope you have a wonderful time with your family of love.

And thanks for the exercise encouragement. Didn't happen today but tomorrow is another day... as Scarlet once said...

Yeah, for sure I'm not doing any digging around in the memory banks before four anytime soon. Gonna be a long time before I have the strength for that.

Thanks Shankara, maybe hot-climate folks can stand cold better and cold-climate folks can stand hot better. I think my recent ancestors had nordic genetics. Maybe that's why I prefer heat and avoid cold... just hypothesizing out loud...

Thanks Dollyvee, I was just at the point of ordering that very book 2 or three days ago. I haven't ordered it yet because I'm still trying to finish Pete Walker's book and a book by Siebern Fisher and Neurofeedback. Narm therapy is also something I looked at recently. But I'm in France and I'm pretty sure there's nothing anywhere close to being a Narm trained therapist even as close as Paris. As mentioned I could try to do something online but at the moment I have absolutely no willpower and no idea how to even go about getting that going. I'm just riding out the storm at the moment. Thanks for your feedback, it does help. If you can keep me posted about Narm therapy.

I know this is an old thread but I so relate and want to reference and possibly get "updates" from the folks who've posted here. So I'm gonna continue here...

So yes, I pretty much suffered strictly and only infancy trauma.
This is what I've been told:
TW
Punched in-utero. First four years of life listening and witnessing, physical, verbal and psychological abuse of my biological father directed at my mother and older sister. Once "kicked" out of the way by my bio-father. After about four years my mother got a lawyer and my father left. Almost never saw him again. My mother remarried, a decent guy, good enough father. Totally non-violent. Emotionally limited, but deeply caring nonetheless.

I resonate most with Woodsgnome: Things seem to have only gotten worse for me as time and "knowledge" has accumulated. Discovering Cptsd was relieving at first, but paradoxically my symptoms have actually gotten worse!!! I'm totally bedridden outside of two fundamental demands: work/financial demands (this means I have to go to work so I go to work) and taking care of my daughter one week out of two. But both of these things are extremely difficult for me. I feel like I am just barely holding it together. Suicidal Ideation comes up a lot. But I CANNOT inflict that on my three kids, especially the youngest who is 11 and would be certainly severely traumatized by such an event. Not to mention the pain that my action would reverberate amongst family and friends. Complicated, but destructive for others for sure.

So now I'm wondering what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I am as utterly lost as I have ever been. I literally don't know what to do except doing as little as possible. I live on this forum. I literally live on this forum. I keep rereading stuff, I keep rereading my own posts, I keep searching in old posts. It's very hard to finish Pete Walker's book. It's very hard to cook and clean. I know I should take a bike ride, but I am just too terrified. I went back on antidepressants for a week, but that just exploded my anxiety. I am now on no drugs whatsoever except caffeine. I am really really lost. I was in therapy but I have stopped for several reasons. I've made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I know this might be a mistake. But I don't know what else to do. I have very very little support. This forum has almost become my only support. I try to participate and support others but I feel I'm not that good at supporting others right now. Maybe that's my inner critic. It's just everything is so very hopeless inside of me right now. Finding a trauma informed therapist where I am located is nearly impossible. I've thought about trying to find someone online and doing it by zoom or Skype or whatever. The problem is I'm scared it's so little, so infrequent, and costs money. So taking that decision is really hard. I also know just how ineffective talk therapy is. When what I really need right now is to be held, hugged, loved by the woman I broke up with eight months ago. I so desperately need to be loved. And I so deeply feel utterly unworthy of being loved. And I so utterly feel hopeless. I'm so sorry, I just had to get all this out. Thank you for reading, thank you for listening. Any hope you can pass along will be greatly appreciated. I am managing to meditate a little, but I call it "desperation-meditation". I've no idea how effective it is...

Alliematt I identify so much. Saturday and I'm lying in bed exhausted. Have zero initiative, eating so-so, not doing what my trauma gurus are telling me, so not really making progress. I only manage to work and only that for the safety of the money. Can't find the energy to look for a new job. Juggling payments and bills all the time, always on the edge. Need to do my taxes... Internal critic having a field day... Ungh... you are not alone. Not alone at all. I wish you and me courage and hope. I send hugs and support.
 

Cascade thanks, really interesting reflections. This whole thread gives me a completely different perspective on the infamous IC. Part of my problem is I just don't know what to do with my IC. Play? Protect? Go somewhere fun? Talk? I'm clueless! Even watching tv is now zero fun. I literally want to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's frightening. We're back to your thread and the subject of doing nothing... At least I'm responding... I guess that's something... We're communicating. And thank the stars for that. Hugs are welcome! Here's some for you!
 

No way I can do a cold shower. I'm super sensitive to cold. I wrap up all winter long and can support the heat of boiling summer but not the cold. What would be best is exercise but I just don't have the willpower right now.