Messages

Personally, I believe this is a process. Coming from backgrounds like ours where it could be dangerous not to predict what others would think and do - so that we could choose our course accordingly, this takes time. You need to feel safe. I have a few people who I have begun to feel safe with. This is new for me. Then there are others who I like to talk with but I am more careful what I share.

Plus, I have decided that the world needs more 'listeners' who don't have an answer for everything but are willing to hear others' opinions and comments.

I haven't ordered the book yet. I have been reading reviews of this book and many similar books. I had no idea they were out there. Thank you so much for bringing them to my attention. I want to read them all - all at once - but I know that is not possible.

Selective mutism - I had never heard of it before. As a child, I was expected to speak no matter how badly I didn't want to. My survival method was primarily hiding and I could not have 'hid in plain sight' if I had not spoken. That would have caused me to draw attention to myself which in my 'code' was dangerous and forbidden. So I spoke. But it was simply speaking words that were not truly mine. Words they wanted to hear. I developed great skill at figuring out what others wanted to hear. And silencing my own thoughts.

Not my own voice. Never my own thoughts. Never expressing my own emotions. So I was pretty much mute - but speaking. When I look back on my life, my childhood and even decades into my adulthood, all the incidents I recall appear to be happening to someone who has no voice. The impression I get is that of someone (me) who has been muted and has no words to speak up for herself. No way to say No!! No way to say I Need To Leave!!

So there is another way of being Selectively Mute. When one speaks but doesn't speak for themselves. That was me. That is why I am still trying to find the real me in here somewhere. I had no voice of my own until now. And it is emerging albeit gradually.

This also sheds light onto the fact that no one knew of my torment. I was selectively mute about anything I was suffering. I only spoke words that betrayed my own self and fed the fantasy that all was well. I must have even convinced myself that things were fine because it has taken me so long to discover that things were not fine. And then to discover how extremely 'not fine' things were. And then to really understand the horror.

This is an important piece of the puzzle. Thank you again.

Electively mute is a very interesting term. And interesting that these children became mute. This book and Hayden's others sound interesting but my library doesn't have them. I may order one.

I am becoming aware that others with trauma related issues and anxiety issues have symptoms that are evident like this muteness. I know an adult who passes out when she is overwhelmed and so things are arranged for her so that this will not happen. People around her are compassionate and understanding.

The way I was taught (brainwashed) as a child, I grew to believe that no matter what happened to me, or what happened in my house, I was not to let anyone know. I was to act like all was fine. I lived in fear that I would be sent away if I did not comply. I didn't know what that meant but it was frightening. So I tried hard to never exhibit any symptoms. To suck it up and soldier on. I learned how to postpone my crying until I was alone and to cry without sound. I learned to hide my emotions. This has been a big hurdle in getting therapists to understand that I need help. They tend to think I might have mild depression or low self esteem. It took my spouse years to understand what I went through was far from the range of normal. He had met my abusers and they seem nice enough now. He heard my stories but thought they were isolated incidents. Over time and much talking, he knows now.

I think about what it might have been like if I had gone with my inclinations as a child to stop talking or to refuse to comply when at school or even to refuse to leave my friends' house when it was time to go home. Would I have gotten help? I don't think so.

I saw a public service film when I was about ten that depicted a man who came home from his job extremely depressed and unresponsive. He sat down on the floor and his wife made sure he got help. When I saw that I knew it would be different for me. If I had done the same, no one would have paid any attention.

Cookido,
I am wondering if your T understands how hard it is for trauma survivors to know, identify, and talk about feelings? That is a very important thing for a T to know. Important also for you to feel safe with this person. I do hope you get to be more comfortable with this T. It seems that very few of them actually understand us.

I am sorry to hear that you are confused, scared, and frustrated. 

I am not any kind of expert on dissociation by any means. But I have heard a couple of things that may explain the confusion. Some dissociation comes with amnesia in that one does not remember blocks of time during the dissociation. But other types of dissociation do not have loss of memory.

Another thing that I have learned is that experts disagree about the particulars of dissociation and even its definition. Some therapists have a very broad definition in that even getting 'lost' while watching a tv show or reading a good book is included. Others do not consider dissociation to be anything less than outright episodes that include having no memory of substantial blocks of time. So if you are confused about it that might be why. It is a confusing topic.

Hope wrote:
I have just started reading the same book again from the beginning - just today - and I am already glad to be doing that, as I realise how much I may have dissociated whilst reading it the first time - as I'm picking up fresh information again, and I am glad to have been able to write notes in the book and underline things - so I would think you'd enjoy being able to do the same - once you get your own copy.
***************
I do this, too! When I reread a book it is like reading it again for the first time. Sometimes I don't even remember writing those things in the margins! I had never connected this with dissociation before. Good observation, Hope!

I think the reason is that as my recovery moves forward (sometimes backward) I am never in the same exact spot when I read something as when I read it before so I process it differently and get different things out of it. I can be all over the place with my all or nothing thinking, too. Like when I read something and think that never applies to me and read it again later and think it is something I always have trouble with. Oh, such is my poor traumatized brain.

Fen Starshimmer, I am so happy you are enjoying the book, too! I was so impressed with it when I first began to read it. I told my therapist all about what I was getting out of it and he patiently listened and will support me with what helps me but I could tell it was not his 'cup of tea.' So it is very helpful to be able to write about it here with you!

I collected plush 'parts' that represent my different struggles. I enjoy getting them out or even just knowing they are on my shelf. My parts. Me. They are okay. Different ones stand out at different times. Today, Sadness (from the movie Inside Out) and Peter Pan are the ones. Peter Pan is the one I need to comfort because I was raised in a way that it was not okay to grow up. It wasn't okay to be a child either but growing up was a major wrongdoing. So Peter and I have a lot to talk about. Sadness is always with me. I am so very sad over what happened to me in my childhood. We sit and feel the sadness. And we are glad we are not living that childhood anymore but now we are safe and at times even happy.

But as I have written before the part that is first and foremost is the armored-bandaged character and I learn a lot from that one. I learn about not pushing myself into situations where I will be hurt. I am learning to begin to trust myself to know not to do things that might be harmful. I learn about taking care to bandage the wounds both old and new. I learn that the armor can be a helpful thing but sometimes it shields me from the good stuff, too.

Thanks for getting this ball rolling, Hope. And again, Fen Starshimmer, I am excited you are joining in!

Hope,
It is lovely that you think of me. Thank you!

I liked the story in the book about the woman who used rubber duckies of different colors to represent her parts. I got stuck on that thought and I found some little plush toys to represent many of my parts. This developed into keeping one in particular next to my computer. He is the one that is my protector part. The toy looks to me like a cross between someone in bandages and armor. Which is a accurate representation of my protector. He pushes me to do things for survival often beyond what I should do. Then gets wounded, hence the bandages. So I look at this 'part' throughout my day and promise him that I will try to have compassion for him and not let him put 'us' in such painful positions anymore.

This has made me more mindful of trying to process too much, too fast. It reminds me to give myself permission to slow down and even say no to things that are not resonating as appropriate at the time.

 

I can't write much now but I think of you often and send warm thoughts and hugs. This is difficult terrain to be sure.

"the qualities of self, curiosity, compassion, clarity, calm, creativity, courage, commitment, and connection"
*******
I was wondering what you think about these. The author presents them as if they are innate. When I searched inside myself trying to be very honest this is what I discovered:
Curiosity - yes, especially intellectual curiosity.
Compassion - this is new to me, I don't see it as innate because I didn't experience this in childhood so it is not something familiar to me.
Clarity - I desire clarity, search for clarity but it wasn't a natural part of my mindset. I grew up steeped in chaos, confusion, and contradiction.
Calm - again, I desire this but it is not always accessible.
Creativity - yes.
Courage - a definite no.
Commitment - definitely committed to my own survival.
Connection - this comes and goes.

ah writes:
For me, every traumatic experience I can remember is felt strongly in my body, whether it was before I could speak or after. My whole life has been spent frozen, speechless, in many ways my verbal years have been just as pre verbal as before.
*********
This is helpful to hear. All my life I have been 'voiceless' long after being verbal. I didn't even know I could have a voice, an opinion, a demand. So it makes sense that traumatic experiences were still recorded in my body moreso than in words. And in my FOO, it was taboo to mention anything that would suggest the parents were wrong. It is pretty much still that way. Finding one's voice, one's power is key in this journey. But it is very hard to do. And harder still when the only 'witnesses' deny that anything was amiss.

eyesofblue writes:
you cannot or don't know how to relax (mentally) she has also said that these can also be damaging to ourselves as we are not capable of finding safe relaxing places in our brain when or if we have experienced severe trauma it can therefore take us back to a place where we felt unsafe and almost retraumatise us, this is totally true for me, just thought I'd pass on her theory whether it's right or wrong it's definitely how I feel.
***********
I can identify with this. I have tried mediation and at times it was helpful and then the next time it was unbearably painful. I am taking a break from it for now. Anne Lamott is quoted as saying "My mind is a bad neighborhood, I try not to go into alone."

I have been told by chiropractors that my back is like a board, the muscles are so tight. I know this is from armoring all my life. I remember hearing of a mindfulness exercise where one sits and 'feels their fingers from the inside'. Feel the aliveness, the blood flowing, etc. I couldn't. I felt nothing. It was as if I didn't have fingers unless they were moving or touching something. I tried for weeks and finally I can feel them from the inside. A little bit.

But - I was in the fog for years - thinking my childhood was 'perfect' - and it wasn't.  My inner child is starting to show me how she felt - and the fact is that my NM was very pre-occupied with 'showing that things were perfect' when infact they were 'far from perfect' - instead of spending time 'with me' -- looking after me and showing me she loved me with cuddles or kind words, looks and other ways of showing it - she was very controlling - very curt in her manner, very cold.  I don't remember being hugged by her - and if she did touch me, it felt 'sharp and bony' and 'cold' and 'tense'.  She could control me with a look - just her tone of voice - I was scared to step out of line. 

So the doll - it looked perfect, and I thought 'she must love me - to have done that for me' - but you know - that doll was to show how brilliant she was at sewing, how brilliant she was in showing how much she loved me - I never 'felt it'. 

But it was FAR FROM FINE.  It was broken.  I was broken. 

I feel despondent as I write this - I feel upset. 

At least now I'm living, feeling, and I can finally 'see'.

I was amazed at how much I can relate to in your writing. Having an NM who gives things rather than love, an NM who does visible things that will cause people to regard her positively. My nm wanted to be viewed as brilliant, too, like yours.

I was given so many material things but like you was living in a FOG. I would scold myself and tell myself that I was being a spoiled 'poor little rich girl' - ungrateful and selfish. It took decades to figure out that I was severely neglected and abused. It is awkward to write those words even now. I have told very few people about my childhood.

You write "I don't remember being hugged by her - and if she did touch me, it felt 'sharp and bony' and 'cold' and 'tense'." I have been thinking about this lately. We grew up without hugs. We Grew Up Without Hugs. That is wrong. That is a crime. That should not happen to a child. Also, I grew up without knowing what it was like to be looked at with kindness. This causes me discomfort even now when I see anyone looking at me even those who love me.

It is wonderful and an amazing accomplishment that you are able to live your live - seeing and feeling. You must have worked very hard to be able to do that.

I actually found that I related to each and every single one of the things she said.  Except that I don't wish the parts would go away, as I want to meet them, understand and get to know them, and help them, so I want to engage with them, and I already feel I'm beginning to make some progress in doing that.
***************
I can't say that I wished mine would go away either but I experienced some surprising emotions about them. I felt sad that I had them and there were so many. I felt angry about what happened that wounded them and shaped them into the parts that they are. And for a while I had to set them aside because it was very intense to take this step.

This paragraph in Chapter 5 was meaningful to me:
Chapter 5 p. 79
"In an Internal Family Systems approach (Schwartz, 1995, 2001), the observer role is ascribed to "self," an internal state that draws upon eight "C" qualities: Curiosity, compassion, calm, clarity, creativity, courage, confidence, and connectedness. "Self" is not just a meditative state or dependent upon having positive experiences in life: each quality is an innate resource available to all human beings no matter what their past or present circumstances. Most importantly for the purposes of psychotherapy, access to these states creates an internal healing environment."

So we all have these 8 qualities no matter what life has dealt us and how early in life our development was hijacked. Very good to hear that I am not 'empty' but rather possess these resources. Perhaps this is where I need to start the search for my authenticity.

  p95 - "...the going on with normal life self is in charge of the body's health and well-being, must provide food, shelter, and other necessities, and is focused on present moment priorities, it is quite literally the "host" or home base for all parts of the self."
"However, when clients finally come for treatment, the going on with normal life self is often demoralized or depleted, identified with certain parts and intimidated by or ashamed of others.   Although the normal life part has the innate ability to become interested in rather than afraid of the parts, he or she may need education to recognize them as young child selves trying to communicate their trauma-related fears and phobias."
This is really helpful to me - I relate to this.
(I'm finding it quite hard to get through the chapter - mainly because I've been facing some 'stuff' 'in real life' - but just reading a few lines, it really helps each time, and I feel comforted. 
Just wanted to share that bit of the book, and those few reflections.
Hope 

Thank you for sharing this. Interesting to think of that going on with life part as the 'host' or home base. I thought mine was my 'inner adult' and I was relieved to find that I had such an adult in me. But now I am wondering if this host isn't just the part of me that protected me since earliest memory. My traumas began when I was so young basically no 'self' was developed. I simply had the parts that were wounded and the part that strategized to try and avoid more wounding. And that part grew up and had to use those strategies to get a job, home, etc. But not necessarily an adult self.

Maybe I am just overthinking this and making it more complicated than it is - another result of my cptsd.

Thanks for being there. We can try and work this out together.

In going through the book again and also looking back at my life as a whole, I am beginning to question Fisher's 'going on with normal life self' as being my adult self. And this was key to the book making sense and helping me so much. So this isn't easy.

I tried to go along with her assertion that anything one does that is adult-like means one is operating as their adult self. Some of her examples are paying bills, going to appts, going to work. But I am seeing that I lived my life as two personas since earliest memory. There was the one who was neglected/abused and another false self that was how I needed to appear to others. It seems more like parallel parts rather than one being the adult. This false self did what she needed to in order to survive. She is really just a wounded child herself and not really able or qualified to offer much comfort to the other 'parts' in any sort of genuine way. 

This bears more thinking about and I don't intend to throw out all the concepts in the book because identifying the wounds has really helped. I was wondering what you thought about the 'going on with normal life self?'

Chapter 5 was very helpful to me also. I will write more about it later. And I agree that it can sound kind of 'crazy' but the way it resonates with us tells us that this is important and helpful in our journey to wholeness.